Big Mess! (Friend of mine)

[TheDatelessLoserX2]

I have a friend of mine that I have known since 7th grade from church. He was the model Christian, his walk was as straight as his talk and he was a great guy, he commited his life to be a youth minister, he also was going out with this girl who is also a really great friend of mine and a great Christian girl as well. Well he went off to college last year (a supposedly "Christian" college), and came back with problems with anger, and would just get mad over the smallest things, and start swearing up a storm. His grades tanked (I mean he passed 2 classes all year) and no body knows why. He and the girl recently broke up because he kept taking his anger out on her, and she couldn't take it anymore, and was really hurt by it. He has recently been hanging out with this other guy who goes to our church, but is a bad influence, and recently they have started drinking heavily. (Both are underage). He also calls his ex and tells her she is all he has to live for, and that getting back together would make him shape up. Me and my friends have tried talking to him, but it just goes in one ear and out the other. I would talk to his folks, but his dad is the youth minister, and would take it very hard indeed. We have gone out on a limb to make him feel included and not left out because of his behavior(his best friend went to another church, chased a girl, and never came back, so he feels left in the cold) but our efforts are starting to seem fruitless and I don't know what to do. Where do you draw the line between looking out for a friend, and babysitting? He is an adult, so he has to make his own decisions, but he's making all the wrong ones!!!! !!!!!!

 

[Princess Pea]

I don't have much experience with alcoholism, but I suspect what you said about him drinking heavily is a huge clue to his personality change. I'd be way out of my league trying to advise anyone on what to do with an alcoholic, but is there some kind of counseling center at your college? Or look up AL-ANON in your local phone book - that's a support group for family/friends of alcoholics. They'd be able to advise you.

Don't rule out talking to his dad, either, even though it would be really hard. You're his friend who cares about him and wants to help him, and his dad feels that even more strongly.

 

[KeilCoppes]

I'm a PK, so I know they're exactly like everyone else, with one exception... they have a lot to live up to. And often they rebel against it. Given that, though - his folks really do need to know. If you care about him, someone needs to go out on a limb. Yes, it will be hard for his dad, but would he rather his son go into alchoholism and depression, or go through hard times and possibly come out better? .And. is it more loving to ignore while people come to harm or to face up and deal with the hard things? The first principle of love is denying oneself and doing what is best for another no matter the cost.

My dad is currently going through hard times with my sister, so I understand how hard it can be.

 

[TriptychR]

Tell the parents immediately! It's better to learn your kid is in danger mode from someone else than to learn it from one of his mistakes.

 

[Tink]

You have to tell his parents so that they can get him help immediately. Especially after you said that he tells his ex that she's all he has to live for....big blinking sign that he is probably thinking about suicide. If you wait, it could be too late. You're in a tough position, but if you care about him and it seems that you do, you have to tell his parents. God be with you.

In Christ,
Tink

 

[IDOXLR8]

I also agree with telling his parents. Although you feel like you have done alot I would not give up on your friend. Being a friend means being there for someone through the best and worse times of their lives. I would also recommend praying for him. He does not need to focus on getting back together with his ex-gf but needs to focus on his relationship with God.

 

[wvmtnkid]

Yep, I am in the talking to his parents camp. However, don't expect him to immediately be grateful to you for this. What matters now is his getting his life back together. I would also venture to say that dancing with alcohol probably has a lot to do with his personality change. However, there may be more to it than that. His family needs to know what is going on so that he can get the kind of help that he needs.

Perhaps if you don't feel comfortable talking to them by yourself, maybe several of you could talk to them, and explain what you know. It will probably be hard on them as well to hear about the behavior of their son. I would definately cover everything with lots of prayer!

 

[neffster]

I think you and a couple of your other friends should sit down with him and see what is going on. Try working it out with him before going to his parents. If he is an adult just lay it all out there for him. Tell him the reasons why you are concerned and that you would like to se him get help. Offer to get help with him. Pray for him and his situation. I also believe it probably is the alcohol that is affecting his behavior/attitude. If he is not receptive or not willing to tork with you on getting help then approach his parents.

 

[TheDatelessLoserX2]

I think you and a couple of your other friends should sit down with him and see what is going on. Try working it out with him before going to his parents. If he is an adult just lay it all out there for him. Tell him the reasons why you are concerned and that you would like to se him get help. Offer to get help with him. Pray for him and his situation. I also believe it probably is the alcohol that is affecting his behavior/attitude. If he is not receptive or not willing to tork with you on getting help then approach his parents.

He isn't an alcoholic, yet. I've asked around and he has no prior history of drinking, so this is a relatively new thing. It also doesn't help that the people getting him to drink and supplying the alcohol, we have known for years, and they are regular church goers. His dad knows he has problems. He went to go see his ex at her dorm room at 2 am one night, and was knocking on their window. HEr roomate freaked out and called campus security. Standard proceedure is that the day after, the city police pay a visit to them and get a statement. The police called his house and talked to his mom, who hung up on them (she is a godly woman, but I think she was shellshocked by all of this). I don' t think he's suicidal. I think the "your all I have to live for talk" is just an attempt to get her back, because he has used this before, and had it work for him but I am not 100% sure. And we HAVE sat him down and asked him whats going on, and everytime he just says he doesn't know, or dodges the question, or does not answer, or something else of that nature. And we have made known many times that if he needs help just ask. Like I said, we have gone way out on a limb to make him feel accepted, and not ostracized for what he does, because he needs GOOD friends right now. Pray for him PLEASE!

 

[Macrina]

You have gotten some good advice so far.

Have you considered an intervention? This would involve his dad, you, any friends who are concerned... his ex if you felt it was appropriate, or not, depending. In my mind, the goal would be to get him into counseling. It sounds to me as though he has troubles that require professional consultation, and perhaps a united front from those who love him will help.

 

[IDOXLR8]

He isn't an alcoholic, yet. I've asked around and he has no prior history of drinking, so this is a relatively new thing. It also doesn't help that the people getting him to drink and supplying the alcohol, we have known for years, and they are regular church goers. His dad knows he has problems. He went to go see his ex at her dorm room at 2 am one night, and was knocking on their window. HEr roomate freaked out and called campus security. Standard proceedure is that the day after, the city police pay a visit to them and get a statement. The police called his house and talked to his mom, who hung up on them (she is a godly woman, but I think she was shellshocked by all of this). I don' t think he's suicidal. I think the "your all I have to live for talk" is just an attempt to get her back, because he has used this before, and had it work for him but I am not 100% sure. And we HAVE sat him down and asked him whats going on, and everytime he just says he doesn't know, or dodges the question, or does not answer, or something else of that nature. And we have made known many times that if he needs help just ask. Like I said, we have gone way out on a limb to make him feel accepted, and not ostracized for what he does, because he needs GOOD friends right now. Pray for him PLEASE!

Please do not take this the wrong way but you state you do not think he is suicidal. I had a friend of mine commit suicide at a very young age. I also thought my friend was not capable of such a thing but boy was I completely wrong. One thing I have learned is not to assume things until you know exactly how he feels. You also stated his mom hung the phone up on the cops. Do you feel she will ignore your concerns? Regardless I am going to pray for your friend.

 

[neffster]

He isn't an alcoholic, yet. I've asked around and he has no prior history of drinking, so this is a relatively new thing. It also doesn't help that the people getting him to drink and supplying the alcohol, we have known for years, and they are regular church goers. His dad knows he has problems. He went to go see his ex at her dorm room at 2 am one night, and was knocking on their window. HEr roomate freaked out and called campus security. Standard proceedure is that the day after, the city police pay a visit to them and get a statement. The police called his house and talked to his mom, who hung up on them (she is a godly woman, but I think she was shellshocked by all of this). I don' t think he's suicidal. I think the "your all I have to live for talk" is just an attempt to get her back, because he has used this before, and had it work for him but I am not 100% sure. And we HAVE sat him down and asked him whats going on, and everytime he just says he doesn't know, or dodges the question, or does not answer, or something else of that nature. And we have made known many times that if he needs help just ask. Like I said, we have gone way out on a limb to make him feel accepted, and not ostracized for what he does, because he needs GOOD friends right now. Pray for him PLEASE!

It is a good thing that you have gone out of your way to help him, and I will pray for him as I am sure others will do also. Just don't give up on him. Some people don't know how to accept the help offered to them the first time, or even the second. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable asking for help. Whatever the situation, I hope he finds the help he needs. Just continue being there for him, that will help him out the most.