Being pressured to date/marry someone I'm not interested

[timewerx]

Here's the thing. We are poor, we live in a third world country. I used to have a good career going but I messed it up -- and it's nearly impossible to recover from that mistake. I still have a job but it's not as lucrative as before and opportunities are now bleak. Bottomline, we are poor. Parents have no pension, no medical insurance. Any major medical problem and that's it.

However, there is a little bit of hope for us in getting out of poverty. We have relatives in a 1st world country I won't mention. They found a woman for me who might be interested. She saw my picture and is now quite interested.

If I would pursue a relationship and eventually marry this woman, I would most definitely immigrate to her country of citizenship. There, I'd be earning a lot more and have a lot more opportunities for work (I did some research). I'd definitely get myself out of poverty and eventually, I'd be able to help my parents in everything they might need in the future, especially financial and medical assistance. In addition, I could also help my niece since my sister is also struggling to pay her school fees. The woman also had well-to-do, middle class parents and had a middle class career herself.

So if I pursue a relationship with this woman, everyone would be benefitted by it and would be happy especially since it could get us out of poverty and get my parents financial and medical support in their old age.....

....Well, except me. I already talked to her and sadly I didn't find her interesting enough. Although she is a Christian, our interests weren't common enough and some rather large differences in theological beliefs in Christianity.

In short, I don't think I'll be happy with her either as a GF or wife. I wanted to call it off (just friendship for now) but my parents are very strongly pressuring me to have a relationship with her.

What do I do??? I don't like the woman but if I end up marrying her, it would be a huge help to my parents, sister, and niece!

And should I disobey my parents in these matters?? After all they are Christians too. Thanks for any advice.

 

[Zoii]

Noone can advise you. This one is yours to make as you seem to know the pros n cons well. My only comment is if it turns out you will marry her, think about how you will package any negative feelings because its sure not fair to take it out on your new wife and any children that may happen as well.

 

[Far Side Of the Moon]

Maybe you'll learn to love her...but I think Its important to get you and your parents out of that situation.

 

[timewerx]

Noone can advise you. This one is yours to make as you seem to know the pros n cons well. My only comment is if it turns out you will marry her, think about how you will package any negative feelings because its sure not fair to take it out on your new wife and any children that may happen as well.

I feel like if I do it, it would be a huge help to my parents and sister and niece.

But I have no feelings for this woman. That's bad isn't it? Is it okay to marry someone for other reasons than love?

I think that is what Queen Esther did right?? She married someone she didn't love to save a nation, in this case, I'm saving my parents and sister from poverty.

 

[timewerx]

Maybe you'll learn to love her...but I think Its important to get you and your parents out of that situation.

It would be impossible to get my parents out of the picture. Because they're the ones pressuring me and if I do it, I do it for them, not for me.

I don't know, I really feel bad about it. I feel like we're doing it for the money even if we badly needed money.

However, I also believe I can get us out of poverty someday if I continue working very hard on my new job. But my parents seem impatient about it and couldn't wait for me to be earning a little more. It's understandable since they're old.

 

[-Luca]

Why are you using a permanent solution for a temporary problem?

 

[ReesePiece23]

Nope. Not at the cost of making you unhappy. Find another way. ( There is ALWAYS another way.)

You also (on your own admission) have a shaky history with your mental health. This could trigger you again.

Don't do it timewerx.

 

[Another Lazarus]

How would people get married without having met be4, its absurd to me, people marriage for status only and to have children to take care of them when they get old. Anyway you can gamble on it if you wish. who knows if she is real good.

 

[timewerx]

Why are you using a permanent solution for a temporary problem?

It wasn't my choice. It was my parents'.

But at the same time I feel indebted to them. There was one time I needed huge money from them and they gave it to me in an investment that went bad. It was partly the reason why we having financial difficulties so it's partly my fault too.

I could get us out of poverty on my own if God Willing but my parents can't seem to wait and marrying the person they want is a much better solution than what I have in mind -- financial-wise.

However, I can't shake the feeling that it's wrong. The person I'd be marrying if that happens won't get real love from me, it will only be fake and can cause problems later on.

 

[timewerx]

Nope. Not at the cost of making you unhappy. Find another way. ( There is ALWAYS another way.)

You also (on your own admission) have a shaky history with your mental health. This could trigger you again.

Don't do it timewerx.

There's also a problem of her being unhappy at some point if I only forced myself into the relationship. Women will find out, they are very smart in this stuff.

I agree there is another way. My parents just couldn't wait and don't trust me anymore that I could succeed after my big failures in life.

 

[timewerx]

How would people get married without having met be4, its absurd to me, people marriage for status only and to have children to take care of them when they get old. Anyway you can gamble on it if you wish. who knows if she is real good.

We've talked on skype before. The major problem was uncommon interests on important stuff and huge theological differences.

I'm particularly very uncomfortable with her denomination (same as my parents'). She's very active in that denomination and her parents are missionaries in the same. Just imagine the setup, very bad for both of us and won't look good on her parents too.

I wouldn't pursue a relationship with her if it's my decision.

 

[Norbert L]

Here's the thing. We are poor, we live in a third world country. I used to have a good career going but I messed it up -- and it's nearly impossible to recover from that mistake. I still have a job but it's not as lucrative as before and opportunities are now bleak. Bottomline, we are poor. Parents have no pension, no medical insurance. Any major medical problem and that's it.

However, there is a little bit of hope for us in getting out of poverty. We have relatives in a 1st world country I won't mention. They found a woman for me who might be interested. She saw my picture and is now quite interested.

If I would pursue a relationship and eventually marry this woman, I would most definitely immigrate to her country of citizenship. There, I'd be earning a lot more and have a lot more opportunities for work (I did some research). I'd definitely get myself out of poverty and eventually, I'd be able to help my parents in everything they might need in the future, especially financial and medical assistance. In addition, I could also help my niece since my sister is also struggling to pay her school fees. The woman also had well-to-do, middle class parents and had a middle class career herself.

So if I pursue a relationship with this woman, everyone would be benefitted by it and would be happy especially since it could get us out of poverty and get my parents financial and medical support in their old age.....

....Well, except me. I already talked to her and sadly I didn't find her interesting enough. Although she is a Christian, our interests weren't common enough and some rather large differences in theological beliefs in Christianity.

In short, I don't think I'll be happy with her either as a GF or wife. I wanted to call it off (just friendship for now) but my parents are very strongly pressuring me to have a relationship with her.

What do I do??? I don't like the woman but if I end up marrying her, it would be a huge help to my parents, sister, and niece!

And should I disobey my parents in these matters?? After all they are Christians too. Thanks for any advice.

Personal attraction aside, is she a virtuous woman? Proverbs 31:10-31

 

[timewerx]

Personal attraction aside, is she a virtuous woman? Proverbs 31:10-31

Based on the theology I have, she won't be because her actions would be dishonoring God.

That is how big our theological differences are.

 

[timewerx]

The whole thing is like "The Problem Child 2" movie.

Maybe I should tell my parents: "If you like her so much, you marry her". It's a line from the movie towards the end.

 

[RaymondG]

I would rather be Poor and sad than rich and miserable. Marriage is hard when the two go in loving and agreeing.....I cant imagine the situation if you go in without those two....and you would be stuck for however long it takes to reach citizenship......AND if you are extremely religious you are stuck for life.

I have to say, your plan sounds good and could solve a lot of issues and make many people happy. But have you tried God's plan?

I would tell God your desires and then wait for Him to order your steps.

 

[Zoii]

I would rather be Poor and sad than rich and miserable. Marriage is hard when the two go in loving and agreeing.....I cant imagine the situation if you go in without those two....and you would be stuck for however long it takes to reach citizenship......AND if you are extremely religious you are stuck for life.

I have to say, your plan sounds good and could solve a lot of issues and make many people happy. But have you tried God's plan?

I would tell God your desires and then wait for Him to order your steps.

Then youve never been desparately poor in a developing nation with no way out. Its so easy for people here to advise when they come from 1st world nations with nowhere near the issues faced that the poor of developing nations do.

 

[RaymondG]

Then youve never been desparately poor in a developing nation with no way out. Its so easy for people here to advise when they come from 1st world nations with nowhere near the issues faced that the poor of developing nations do.

You dont know my situation or where God brought me from. My advice is based on my experience and belief in God. No situation you can describe, no matter how bleak, is too hard/bad for God to overcome.
Do you not believe this? Is there anything too hard for God?

 

[381465]

Would it be possible for her, as a friend, to assist you in relocating to her country for citizenship or work visa?

It's a shame this appears to be an all or nothing scenario.

 

[Zoii]

You dont know my situation or where God brought me from. My advice is based on my experience and belief in God. No situation you can describe, no matter how bleak, is too hard/bad for God to overcome.
Do you not believe this? Is there anything too hard for God?

I dont know anyones circumstances just a little of the OPs and Is it really Gods job to sort our individual messes out? Obviously not or the world would not have desparately poor people in countries like the Phillipines for example which are strongly christian

 

[RaymondG]

I dont know anyones circumstances just a little of the OPs and Is it really Gods job to sort our individual messes out? Obviously not or the world would not have desparately poor people in countries like the Phillipines for example which are strongly christian

You are right. Forgive me for my belief in the power of God. I encourage you to continue to work out your own problem until you are ready to give up and try something new.