Anyone up for a chat thread?

[seeking.IAM]

I occasionally like to indulge in some chili dogs after church.

It seems like if you had a really good sermon, you ought to reward yourself.

 

[Paidiske]

And, on the other side, if you had a really bad morning, you ought to console yourself.

No? Just me?

 

[seeking.IAM]

It seems like if you had a really good sermon, you ought to reward yourself.

And, on the other side, if you had a really bad morning, you ought to console yourself.

Win-win!

 

[Paidiske]

Here is something I have found very unexpected in my new role.

So; I'm spending a lot of time visiting practicing Anglicans who are in hospital. And I would have thought I'd be listening to them talk about their health, their emotions, their relationships (etc). But I reckon about 80% of the conversations I'm having with these folk are about their problems in their parish. What they don't like about their rector, struggling with change, parish conflict, whatever.

It's like... I'm of their world enough for them to think I'll get where they're coming from, but far enough from their particular parish to be an impartial listener.

What it's actually making me think, though, is that we've obviously done a terrible job equipping people with the skills, the character, and the wisdom to navigate conflict and interpersonal issues in the church. And I am wondering whether there might be something that we could be doing better...

 

[seeking.IAM]

Are there any common themes to learn from?

 

[Paidiske]

It's early days, but I'd say the over-arching common theme would probably be, we are utterly lousy at communication and healthy conflict. (By which I mean, actually working through issues rather than all the games we see played in parishes rather than dealing with the underlying problem).

 

[Shane R]

And, on the other side, if you had a really bad morning, you ought to console yourself.

No? Just me?

That's what the ice cream stands are for. Although they'll be closing for the winter soon. One already did.

 

[RamiC]

It's early days, but I'd say the over-arching common theme would probably be, we are utterly lousy at communication and healthy conflict. (By which I mean, actually working through issues rather than all the games we see played in parishes rather than dealing with the underlying problem).

What would working through issues consist of? I am asking because I see a shortage of conflict resolution everywhere, not just the church. Right now there is simply none in the Church of England.

 

[Paidiske]

Well, I mean, you can go as big and formal and complex as you like, I suppose. But it can just start with some basic things:
- Is this objectively an issue? (Is it interfering with the church's mission, are people being hurt/harmed/unsafe, are laws being broken, etc ?)
- If no, what's the button that's being pushed for me? (Why am I sad/angry/hurt/disappointed etc?)
- What's the proper approach to take in raising the issue (if it's not my issue), or getting help to deal with the issue (if it is my issue)?
- How might I communicate with the relevant person or persons concerned? (Eg: chat to vicar, letter to secretary of parish council, or so on)
- What's the right thing to do if the outcome I want doesn't happen?

I mean, to give you an example of one situation I'm aware of (and I've heard versions of it from both the vicar concerned, who is a friend, and a parish council member, whom I visited in hospital), there was conflict over what colour to paint the interior of the church. The person who was upset by the decision did not use appropriate channels/processes to attempt to resolve the issue, did not accept the outcome when they essentially lost the vote, and ended up behaving very inappropriately towards others, such that he has had to be removed from his lay leadership position due to breaches of the relevant code of conduct.

All because he couldn't figure out how to cope with not liking the colour of paint that parish council chose!

 

[RamiC]

All because he couldn't figure out how to cope with not liking the colour of paint that parish council chose!

That does look like simple clear communication and acceptance of the priorities should have solved it.

 

[Paidiske]

And, perhaps, also, acceptance that in community life, you don't always get your own way. But for some people, that's a real struggle!

 

[seeking.IAM]

All because he couldn't figure out how to cope with not liking the colour of paint that parish council chose!

There are some problems improved communication is not going to solve. Things like this may be one of them.