anyone have any insight?

[razzelflabben]

One of those days, where I just want to cry, but I'm afraid if I start, I might not stop. Nothing is really wrong, but nothing is right either. There is more to do around here than can possibly get done in one spring, maybe 5 springs and a summer, but not in one spring...it's good having one son home, but adds a lot to our household, and my health is bad enough now, that I barely keep myself going, much less the husband and 2 kids that are still suppose to be home. Our youngest has decided that defiant disobedient is good, and at 13, he's old enough to know that I won't tolerate that. Got a neighbor that I don't even want to talk about. Not enough money to pay all the bills and do the things around here we need to do. Hurting so bad I can barely move. Missing our son of course. Having self doubts. Tired of even trying to keep breathing, not to mention the effort it takes to breath with asthma and severe allergies, no one will treat. Just a boat load of the usual...in fact, I kind of hope no one reads this, much less responds, cause honestly, it makes me sound like a whining )*&__+*U(* even though my heart is so full of gratitude and wonder and thankfulness that it is overflowing. I know that probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me. I survived, even thrived, in the midst of child abuse, molesting as a teen, a marriage that was being destroyed by porn. I survived and even thrived, being abused by the church and left for dead. I survived and even thrived the loss of our son, as I watched another go off to war. Yadda Yadda Yadda...If nothing else, I am a testimony to the power of God to not just survive, but to thrive in the midst of an evil and sinful world. None the less, I am tired, I just want to close my eyes and wake in the arms of my King. I know He still has work for me here, I get that, and I willingly submit to that...but I'm tired, simply tired, and hurting, just simply in pain. I struggle to just breath, and I don't want to fight anymore, even if fighting is to breath...Our sons death still, almost 3 years later seems surreal...well, I just came here, to say, I'm so tired I want to cry...so very tired....

 

[razzelflabben]

well, just got word that another of our youth was killed in an auto accident today. She graduated last year. Not feeling anything yet...in fact, I was told I knew before the parents, so I have to be very careful not to say anything, but how can I not say anything. Too many kids dying...so miss my son...too many young lives ended too young!!!! So very tired! so tired...

 

[Catherineanne]

I struggle to just breath, and I don't want to fight anymore, even if fighting is to breath...Our sons death still, almost 3 years later seems surreal...well, I just came here, to say, I'm so tired I want to cry...so very tired....

I am so, so sorry, R. I won't derail your thread with details but I have had the most terrible, terrible week. Briefly, my priest ordered me out of the church on Sunday, and does not want me back.

What kind of priest does that? I am devastated. I have friends supporting me, but nobody at all from my church, to which I have given my heart and soul for almost three years. I think everyone is as shocked as I am.

So, I found this in a book, and it is helping me, so I hope it helps you as well.

When you get no consolation in prayer, when you feel you are getting nowhere,that may be the best prayer you have ever said, because you are doing it not for your sake, but for God's. Always seek the God of consolation; never seek the consolations of God. It is always that way round.

Quite often, we are in a kind of distraught mood, and simply don't know how to pray, feeling that deep sense of being lost. It is good at such times to see oneself rather like the lost sheep in the parable caught in the briars, surrounded by fog; the more you try to escape from the brambles the more you get entangled. The more you try to rush through the fog the more likely you are to get lost. When you are in that mood just wait in your prayer, wait for him to come and disentangle you.

Cardinal Hume. The Mystery of Love.

 

[Catherineanne]

well, just got word that another of our youth was killed in an auto accident today. She graduated last year. Not feeling anything yet...in fact, I was told I knew before the parents, so I have to be very careful not to say anything, but how can I not say anything. Too many kids dying...so miss my son...too many young lives ended too young!!!! So very tired! so tired...

Oh no!! I can't believe that such a thing could happen again; that is beyond anything.

May the Lord have mercy on the young lady, and her family.

I am so, so sorry, R. This is not at all what you deserve or need.

God be with you.

 

[razzelflabben]

I am so, so sorry, R. I won't derail your thread with details but I have had the most terrible, terrible week. Briefly, my priest ordered me out of the church on Sunday, and does not want me back.

What kind of priest does that? I am devastated. I have friends supporting me, but nobody at all from my church, to which I have given my heart and soul for almost three years. I think everyone is as shocked as I am.

So, I found this in a book, and it is helping me, so I hope it helps you as well.

When you get no consolation in prayer, when you feel you are getting nowhere,that may be the best prayer you have ever said, because you are doing it not for your sake, but for God's. Always seek the God of consolation; never seek the consolations of God. It is always that way round.

Quite often, we are in a kind of distraught mood, and simply don't know how to pray, feeling that deep sense of being lost. It is good at such times to see oneself rather like the lost sheep in the parable caught in the briars, surrounded by fog; the more you try to escape from the brambles the more you get entangled. The more you try to rush through the fog the more likely you are to get lost. When you are in that mood just wait in your prayer, wait for him to come and disentangle you.

Cardinal Hume. The Mystery of Love.

not sure whether to say sorry first, or thanks first. I can't even imagine why a priest would do as you have witnessed, but I do know first hand, that the church can be a very dangerous and painful place.

My husband pastored several churches, the first, we were run out of because he preached that we were to love even our enemies. Lots of nasty things, before we were run out. Second church was similar, but the much older deacon children physically assault our two eldest boys over our stand for Christ. We almost took our eldest to the ER over the situation, but praise God ended up not having to. There is strength in your words, power in prayer, and praise to offer our King no matter the situation. Thanks for that reminder. If I can be of any service, please don't hesitate to get ahold of me...I listen pretty good...

May you find peace in the midst of this storm, encouragement in the body of Christ, a body that is scattered far and wide, and comfort as you witness the next door that God opens for you.

 

[razzelflabben]

Oh no!! I can't believe that such a thing could happen again; that is beyond anything.

May the Lord have mercy on the young lady, and her family.

I am so, so sorry, R. This is not at all what you deserve or need.

God be with you.

I must still be in shock, cause I still don't feel anything but disbelief...in fact, everyone I have talked to today is asking the same question...what is going on that it is happening again? Not sure we can ask that question, but I'm not sure we can avoid in our humanness asking it

She was the first person to convince our daughter (grew up with 4 brothers) that it was okay to be a girl...

 

[razzelflabben]

The numbness is starting to wear off...doesn't help that our third son just got his drivers license today...I know it's a part of life, but not only did this young kid die in an auto accident, it is also what killed (our) my husbands nephew, and is what killed a dear friend of mine shortly after we graduated high school. Especially as much trouble as our son had in getting his license, this will prove to be a real challenge for me.

 

[razzelflabben]

well, we got through yesterday...(calling hours we will not be able to go to the funeral)...the mother was not doing well at all, not sure it helped that in line, the family that just lost their son, was directly in front of us...in fact, I know it spurred things for the father, cause he commented to my husband and I, that you can't know what it's like, unless you have lost a child, if they had known, they would have done more...so not what I wanted to hear from a grieving father...and yet, maybe, it is a demonstration of humility that is a humility that brings healing....we will see.

Went straight from calling hours to a graduation party...argh...so hard. None of that even deals with the rest of the dramas of the day. Such a stressful day! Yet God was faithful, and we made it through much more in tact than we should have without God being God.

May we know the power, might, love, and comfort of the living God, as He flows in us and through us and is witnessed to the world by our words and actions.

 

[razzelflabben]

I'm sure saying this will open me to all kinds of nasty comments, but I will say it none the less. I have watched many parents grieve, I have been one of the grieving, and there is one thing I have witnessed, something I wish people could understand without making excuses. There is a difference between the way one grieves in the power of the Holy spirit and in the power of self. I saw it yesterday, and when talking to someone who didn't get to go to the calling hours (talked to her today, long story) Her comment was, not about grieving in the power of the Holy Spirit, but rather that the daughter who died was her entire life....I don't know how to explain to people...For the last 24 plus years, my children have literally been my entire life. 24/7 I have lived for my kids, they not only were always with me, but I home schooled, so they were literally never away from me. I can pretty much count the number of times I was kid free in that 24 years, on my fingers. If anyone understands being close to their kids, I do. Even when our son went to CA for a summer to spend time with his brother (who was in the service) he did so with the idea of finding work so we could move out there with him...we talked pretty much every day...we offered to pay for him to go to a local amusement park for his graduation, and he said to me, "mom, it just wouldn't be any fun without all of us going" I get it...without my kids, I would not have had a life the last 24 years, seriously, and literally...that isn't the difference in how we grieved, how the family of the young man that just died grieved...the difference in how we grieved, is the hope and power of the Holy Spirit within...we grieved as ones with hope, not as the world who is without hope...my prayer has become that these parents would discover the power of the Holy Spirit in their lives (not saying anything at all about salvation, that is not mine to judge) that in their grief, they would fall into the arms of God and allow God to do what He does best...heal the broken hearted...there is a difference, why can't people understand that, and in that understanding, stop making excuses and start examining their own lives? Well, my rant is done, I'm "worried in prayer" for the parents of this young woman...may we all learn to lean more and more on Christ.

 

[razzelflabben]

I sit here poised before a blank post, feeling the need to write something (my outlet) but not knowing what to say. So many things are swirling around within me this week, from the loss of our son, to the loss of the young woman we helped bury this week. From the frustrations of being in pain, and unable to breath, to the loneliness of knowing that I have no true family, (extended) and those that want to be family, I can't accept because I simply don't know how. Feelings of missing our eldest who recently moved a few states away, to the desire to have the house to myself for a few quiet moments of solitude. I guess, in the analysis of life today, I can conclude, that life is basically a jumbled mess of contradictions, good vs. evil, right vs. wrong, laughter vs. sorrow. But in Christ, they cease to become contradictions and become a beautiful tapestry of truth, that God is the both/and, not the either/or. It is God that is both Joy and sorrow, wrath and justice, grace and judge. It is Christ that reveals our sin and gives righteousness. Comforts us and asks us to endure that we might grow.

As I sit here and seek words to say what is in my heart, maybe the sum total of what is there, is that God is my all in all, and without Him, I am not. I live for Him, not for my children or husband, but for what He needs me to accomplish before I can go home. I raised my kids for Him, no matter how tired I became, how badly I needed help, I continued on, because He is my King. When I endured abuse, molesting, attacks by the world and by the church, when the sorrow of loss engulfed me, when I was too tired to move, when I worked 96 hour days, did without meals, suffered homelessness, when our house was dangerous and there was no hope, I endured because I very simply Love the King of Kings, who in His mercy looks upon me with the favor of a child. The very thought of which brings tears to my eyes. How could the King of Kings, desire to call this servant, who was not even worthy of a parents love, beloved child?!

Tonight, as I close my eyes, as I allow the tears to fall where they may, it is this that I want to remember. My Lord and King, smiled with favor, on every moment of my life, including but not limited to the moment He, in His grace, took our son from my arms. May I never forget His favor, may I always treasure His grace, and may I always trust His purpose, His will, His truth, His wisdom, and in that trust, endure to the very end.

 

[razzelflabben]

so ready to collapse into a heap of tears. The anniversary date of our sons death will be here very soon, all the reminders of this time of year, just helped bury another kid, a friend of his and ours, and just got word my in laws were in an accident. Word is they are okay, totaled the car, not sure what all is going on there right not. Every time I go outside my throat and tongue start swelling from chemicals people around us are using, so I can't go outside and the windows let it inside...Can I crawl in a hole and just not come out. On top of all that, got into a fight with my husband today, cause he is shutting down to deal with his grief, which is okay for some things, but for some things, we still have to talk. Then spent a long time on the phone with a friend who loves to talk, it is never good news when I talk that long with her...where is my rock...? I need a rock, no make it a boulder to crawl under, as big as I am, a rock wouldn't hide enough of me.

 

[Catherineanne]

so ready to collapse into a heap of tears. The anniversary date of our sons death will be here very soon, all the reminders of this time of year, just helped bury another kid, a friend of his and ours, and just got word my in laws were in an accident. Word is they are okay, totaled the car, not sure what all is going on there right not. Every time I go outside my throat and tongue start swelling from chemicals people around us are using, so I can't go outside and the windows let it inside...Can I crawl in a hole and just not come out. On top of all that, got into a fight with my husband today, cause he is shutting down to deal with his grief, which is okay for some things, but for some things, we still have to talk. Then spent a long time on the phone with a friend who loves to talk, it is never good news when I talk that long with her...where is my rock...? I need a rock, no make it a boulder to crawl under, as big as I am, a rock wouldn't hide enough of me.

I am so, so sorry, R.

St Isaac of Syria said that when life gets too much, we should wrap ourselves in a cloak and go to bed, and stay there until we can cope again. By all means take the time you need, and do whatever you need to do to survive. Be good to yourself; you certainly deserve it.

Lord, have mercy,
Christ, have mercy,
Lord, have mercy

 

[Catherineanne]

not sure whether to say sorry first, or thanks first. I can't even imagine why a priest would do as you have witnessed, but I do know first hand, that the church can be a very dangerous and painful place.

I can't understand it either, except that he does not like following rules, and church treasurers have to follow the law. At times I have had to restrain potential (and actual) illegal behaviour, and I think he has borne a grudge against me for a long time.

My husband pastored several churches, the first, we were run out of because he preached that we were to love even our enemies. Lots of nasty things, before we were run out. Second church was similar, but the much older deacon children physically assault our two eldest boys over our stand for Christ. We almost took our eldest to the ER over the situation, but praise God ended up not having to. There is strength in your words, power in prayer, and praise to offer our King no matter the situation. Thanks for that reminder. If I can be of any service, please don't hesitate to get ahold of me...I listen pretty good...

Thank you; you are most kind. I did not mean to derail what you were saying, only to say that at times our path leads through the Valley of the Shadow. The only good thing that can come from that is meeting others in that Valley, and walking beside them for a time.

You are such a good soul, R. And your husband was right; we have to love our enemies. That is the only way to destroy them; to turn them into friends.

Some will understand, others will resent us for trying.

May you find peace in the midst of this storm, encouragement in the body of Christ, a body that is scattered far and wide, and comfort as you witness the next door that God opens for you.

Thank you so much.

God is good.

 

[Catherineanne]

I sit here poised before a blank post, feeling the need to write something (my outlet) but not knowing what to say. So many things are swirling around within me this week, from the loss of our son, to the loss of the young woman we helped bury this week. From the frustrations of being in pain, and unable to breath, to the loneliness of knowing that I have no true family, (extended) and those that want to be family, I can't accept because I simply don't know how. Feelings of missing our eldest who recently moved a few states away, to the desire to have the house to myself for a few quiet moments of solitude. I guess, in the analysis of life today, I can conclude, that life is basically a jumbled mess of contradictions, good vs. evil, right vs. wrong, laughter vs. sorrow. But in Christ, they cease to become contradictions and become a beautiful tapestry of truth, that God is the both/and, not the either/or. It is God that is both Joy and sorrow, wrath and justice, grace and judge. It is Christ that reveals our sin and gives righteousness. Comforts us and asks us to endure that we might grow.

As I sit here and seek words to say what is in my heart, maybe the sum total of what is there, is that God is my all in all, and without Him, I am not. I live for Him, not for my children or husband, but for what He needs me to accomplish before I can go home. I raised my kids for Him, no matter how tired I became, how badly I needed help, I continued on, because He is my King. When I endured abuse, molesting, attacks by the world and by the church, when the sorrow of loss engulfed me, when I was too tired to move, when I worked 96 hour days, did without meals, suffered homelessness, when our house was dangerous and there was no hope, I endured because I very simply Love the King of Kings, who in His mercy looks upon me with the favor of a child. The very thought of which brings tears to my eyes. How could the King of Kings, desire to call this servant, who was not even worthy of a parents love, beloved child?!

Tonight, as I close my eyes, as I allow the tears to fall where they may, it is this that I want to remember. My Lord and King, smiled with favor, on every moment of my life, including but not limited to the moment He, in His grace, took our son from my arms. May I never forget His favor, may I always treasure His grace, and may I always trust His purpose, His will, His truth, His wisdom, and in that trust, endure to the very end.

Your posts are so full of love for God and for your son; they are very moving.

This is nothing like the actual loss of a child, but this is the closest I can come to it; when my daughter was very small she became ill, and it was not clear whether it was meningitis or something less serious. Our doctor came to see her at home and gave me advice, but a day or so later she became much worse. She was about 20 months old, and she was very ill.

I told my husband to get the car out of the garage and we prepared to take her to A&E. At that point I prayed, and I was really desperate. Knowing she belonged to the Lord, and that if he wanted to take her home there was nothing I could do to prevent that, I offered her back to him; I tried to thank him for the gift of her life, and I accepted his will for her life and mine.

In the event she was in hospital for three days, but then came home again. It was not meningitis. But I have never forgotten the fear and helplessness of those days; I have never forgotten the feeling as I sat beside her cot through that first night after the doctors had helped her, and watched her sleep peacefully for the first time in days.

From what you have said I hope you can have no regrets about your son's life. There was no rejection; no animosity; no fractured relationship. You were a loving mother to him from the moment he was born, and you still are. You never took him for granted, and you treasured every moment.

I am not sure if any of this helps or not. I can't know what you have gone through; I can't even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child, but I can understand the fear; the terrible, terrible fear. And then we put a smile on that fear, and we let our children go out into the world; to drive a car, to work, to meet people. We cannot be with them every moment to protect them, and we would not be good mothers if we tried. Our time of holding them and protecting them has gone; now we have to let them go, and trust God to act for the best in everything, however painful it is for us.

May God be with you, R.

 

[razzelflabben]

I can't understand it either, except that he does not like following rules, and church treasurers have to follow the law. At times I have had to restrain potential (and actual) illegal behaviour, and I think he has borne a grudge against me for a long time.



Thank you; you are most kind. I did not mean to derail what you were saying, only to say that at times our path leads through the Valley of the Shadow. The only good thing that can come from that is meeting others in that Valley, and walking beside them for a time.

You are such a good soul, R. And your husband was right; we have to love our enemies. That is the only way to destroy them; to turn them into friends.

Some will understand, others will resent us for trying.



Thank you so much.

God is good.

I wasn't complaining, just chatting, figured since it was my thread, we could go down any path we wanted...I've really enjoyed your encouraging words.

 

[razzelflabben]

Your posts are so full of love for God and for your son; they are very moving.

This is nothing like the actual loss of a child, but this is the closest I can come to it; when my daughter was very small she became ill, and it was not clear whether it was meningitis or something less serious. Our doctor came to see her at home and gave me advice, but a day or so later she became much worse. She was about 20 months old, and she was very ill.

I told my husband to get the car out of the garage and we prepared to take her to A&E. At that point I prayed, and I was really desperate. Knowing she belonged to the Lord, and that if he wanted to take her home there was nothing I could do to prevent that, I offered her back to him; I tried to thank him for the gift of her life, and I accepted his will for her life and mine.

In the event she was in hospital for three days, but then came home again. It was not meningitis. But I have never forgotten the fear and helplessness of those days; I have never forgotten the feeling as I sat beside her cot through that first night after the doctors had helped her, and watched her sleep peacefully for the first time in days.

From what you have said I hope you can have no regrets about your son's life. There was no rejection; no animosity; no fractured relationship. You were a loving mother to him from the moment he was born, and you still are. You never took him for granted, and you treasured every moment.

I am not sure if any of this helps or not. I can't know what you have gone through; I can't even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child, but I can understand the fear; the terrible, terrible fear. And then we put a smile on that fear, and we let our children go out into the world; to drive a car, to work, to meet people. We cannot be with them every moment to protect them, and we would not be good mothers if we tried. Our time of holding them and protecting them has gone; now we have to let them go, and trust God to act for the best in everything, however painful it is for us.

May God be with you, R.

again, thanks, this is a very emotional time of year anyway, the anniversary of our sons death is the 19th, the day before father's day that year. So we go from mother's day without him, to graduations (we were at a graduation party when he died) to father's day reminders, then, in Aug. is his birthday, this year in between all that, was this other death, my in laws car accident, friends reminding us because of the other death (that is natural conversation) a gift from new friends who didn't know him but are grieved with us, and a few other reminders thrown in for good measure. I told my husband today, I just want to get through this time of year without anyone saying a word to me, just get through, in silence, lol...but we have been called to be there for everyone who is in need, so we continue to push the memories to the back of our minds the best we can, and listen to others and pray for them, and do our best to encourage them to be empowered in the HS, all the time, crying in our hearts and longing for people to just not say or do anything right now that reminds us that our "baby" boy isn't with us anymore. One friend last night was talking about the local amusement park (not her fault) which reminded me of our son, not wanting to go if we couldn't all go...(this is the time of year everyone goes up there, so we can't escape the memories when people live their lives) just want to not be reminded every two seconds this time of year, but every year, it hits, every year, our pastor talks about how much...nope, thinking about it is memories to. May our Lord keep the visions and dreams that haunt away this season, and in their place, give us strength to endure, grace to Love those in need, and peace as the reminders assault, then fade once again into the days that are but a vapor...sorry for the rant....you didn't ask for it...

thanks so much for sharing your story...seriously, it is kind of nice knowing you know the fear, but God granted you the gift of your daughters life. That fear...so strong, so consuming, as we watched helplessly as they dove to find him...when they tried CPR...time to stop...I think you are the first person who ever talked to me about that fear...which was beyond words, and which is so much a part of the continued pain in our hearts...thanks for understanding that fear...so encouraging...

 

[Catherineanne]

again, thanks, this is a very emotional time of year anyway, the anniversary of our sons death is the 19th, the day before father's day that year. So we go from mother's day without him, to graduations (we were at a graduation party when he died) to father's day reminders, then, in Aug. is his birthday, this year in between all that, was this other death, my in laws car accident, friends reminding us because of the other death (that is natural conversation) a gift from new friends who didn't know him but are grieved with us, and a few other reminders thrown in for good measure. I told my husband today, I just want to get through this time of year without anyone saying a word to me, just get through, in silence, lol...but we have been called to be there for everyone who is in need, so we continue to push the memories to the back of our minds the best we can, and listen to others and pray for them, and do our best to encourage them to be empowered in the HS, all the time, crying in our hearts and longing for people to just not say or do anything right now that reminds us that our "baby" boy isn't with us anymore. One friend last night was talking about the local amusement park (not her fault) which reminded me of our son, not wanting to go if we couldn't all go...(this is the time of year everyone goes up there, so we can't escape the memories when people live their lives) just want to not be reminded every two seconds this time of year, but every year, it hits, every year, our pastor talks about how much...nope, thinking about it is memories to. May our Lord keep the visions and dreams that haunt away this season, and in their place, give us strength to endure, grace to Love those in need, and peace as the reminders assault, then fade once again into the days that are but a vapor...sorry for the rant....you didn't ask for it...

I understand, really I do. I can't know how you feel, but I can understand that not being able to cope, but having no choice; having to bear the unbearable, having to carry what is too heavy.

Your cross is very heavy. So is mine, in lots of ways. I think what helps me is to realise that even the Lord could not carry the cross he was given; he had to have Simon of Cyrene carry it for him. We cannot expect to be able to carry our cross without falling, if the Lord could not carry his. What we can do, I think, is to help other people bear the weight of their cross, and in doing so the Lord lightens our own, just a little.

I think you cannot expect not to think of your son. If you were to go to Outer Mongolia for the next six months; away from every reminder; the sun would remind you, the rain would remind you; just waking up every day to the terrible realisation all over again that he is gone, will remind you.

I am really, really sorry that your friends can't help you at this time; some because they are grieving as well, others because they cannot understand. I hope you find consolation somewhere; some element of peace and calm among the storm of life. You really deserve some peace.

thanks so much for sharing your story...seriously, it is kind of nice knowing you know the fear, but God granted you the gift of your daughters life. That fear...so strong, so consuming, as we watched helplessly as they dove to find him...when they tried CPR...time to stop...I think you are the first person who ever talked to me about that fear...which was beyond words, and which is so much a part of the continued pain in our hearts...thanks for understanding that fear...so encouraging...

I am so sorry.

It looks from what you say that you are having flashbacks. Have you been asked about ptsd symptoms? It might be worth considering. Treatment for ptsd would help you to cope with the memories, instead of being overwhelmed by them. You would not forget, but you would remember in a different way.

I have complex ptsd. Every time my daughter gets into the car and drives away I fear for her; I am afraid for her every day, every moment. The normal fear of a mother for her child is heightened for me; I remember it all those years ago, and I feel it every day when my daughter is not safely with me. I cannot bear to watch the news; I cannot bear to see those who have lost their children, their loved ones. I feel for them, and I pray for them. Yes, my daughter remains with me, but the fear never really goes away.

I have to try to stay as normal as I can manage; to smile, take my daughter to the station or watch her drive away and allow her to live her life. The alternative is for her to end up as I have; as a recluse who is too afraid to face life at all, having been battered a few too many times by a few too many people.

I think the answer is found in small victories, rather than major ones. For you and me the greatest victory is to keep on going; keep on loving; keep on trusting God. And one day, meet those we love once more.

If you can bear to do so, remember that the Lord has promised that love will remain even when heaven and earth pass away. Love always remains.

Be good to yourself.

 

[razzelflabben]

I understand, really I do. I can't know how you feel, but I can understand that not being able to cope, but having no choice; having to bear the unbearable, having to carry what is too heavy.

Your cross is very heavy. So is mine, in lots of ways. I think what helps me is to realise that even the Lord could not carry the cross he was given; he had to have Simon of Cyrene carry it for him. We cannot expect to be able to carry our cross without falling, if the Lord could not carry his. What we can do, I think, is to help other people bear the weight of their cross, and in doing so the Lord lightens our own, just a little.

I think you cannot expect not to think of your son. If you were to go to Outer Mongolia for the next six months; away from every reminder; the sun would remind you, the rain would remind you; just waking up every day to the terrible realisation all over again that he is gone, will remind you.

I am really, really sorry that your friends can't help you at this time; some because they are grieving as well, others because they cannot understand. I hope you find consolation somewhere; some element of peace and calm among the storm of life. You really deserve some peace.



I am so sorry.

It looks from what you say that you are having flashbacks. Have you been asked about ptsd symptoms? It might be worth considering. Treatment for ptsd would help you to cope with the memories, instead of being overwhelmed by them. You would not forget, but you would remember in a different way.

I have complex ptsd. Every time my daughter gets into the car and drives away I fear for her; I am afraid for her every day, every moment. The normal fear of a mother for her child is heightened for me; I remember it all those years ago, and I feel it every day when my daughter is not safely with me. I cannot bear to watch the news; I cannot bear to see those who have lost their children, their loved ones. I feel for them, and I pray for them. Yes, my daughter remains with me, but the fear never really goes away.

I have to try to stay as normal as I can manage; to smile, take my daughter to the station or watch her drive away and allow her to live her life. The alternative is for her to end up as I have; as a recluse who is too afraid to face life at all, having been battered a few too many times by a few too many people.

I think the answer is found in small victories, rather than major ones. For you and me the greatest victory is to keep on going; keep on loving; keep on trusting God. And one day, meet those we love once more.

If you can bear to do so, remember that the Lord has promised that love will remain even when heaven and earth pass away. Love always remains.

Be good to yourself.

wise words, haven't been diagnosed, or treated, can't afford it even if someone took the time...we have both gained a lot of strength from taking our thoughts captive and putting those thoughts on the Lord, sometimes, the memories still threaten, Job calls them the dreams and visions that haunt, so I started calling them that as well. There are plenty of things in my life that should have "stopped" me from living by now, both in physical death (like being hit by a train) and in psychological "death" like abuses and such, but God sustains, God strengthens and so we move on, tired, and vulnerable right now, but moving on, in faith, in His strength, in His comfort. We will get through this, I have no doubt, just gonna be touchy for a season...

 

[Catherineanne]

wise words, haven't been diagnosed, or treated, can't afford it even if someone took the time...we have both gained a lot of strength from taking our thoughts captive and putting those thoughts on the Lord, sometimes, the memories still threaten, Job calls them the dreams and visions that haunt, so I started calling them that as well. There are plenty of things in my life that should have "stopped" me from living by now, both in physical death (like being hit by a train) and in psychological "death" like abuses and such, but God sustains, God strengthens and so we move on, tired, and vulnerable right now, but moving on, in faith, in His strength, in His comfort. We will get through this, I have no doubt, just gonna be touchy for a season...

Well, any time you need a friend, I am here for you. I will be aware of your anniversary as it comes closer, and I will pray for you.

I would look into ptsd for yourself if you have the energy; it can help to understand what the features are, so that you do not blame yourself for what are in fact symptoms. There are lots of good resources online, so have a search and see what you can find.

We have both gone far beyond our own strength. Now we rest in the Lord, and survive only by his strength, as you rightly say.

May the Lord be with you.

You and I are survivors, and we survive by God's grace.

 

[razzelflabben]

Well, any time you need a friend, I am here for you. I will be aware of your anniversary as it comes closer, and I will pray for you.

I would look into ptsd for yourself if you have the energy; it can help to understand what the features are, so that you do not blame yourself for what are in fact symptoms. There are lots of good resources online, so have a search and see what you can find.

We have both gone far beyond our own strength. Now we rest in the Lord, and survive only by his strength, as you rightly say.

May the Lord be with you.

You and I are survivors, and we survive by God's grace.