One of those days, where I just want to cry, but I'm afraid if I start, I might not stop. Nothing is really wrong, but nothing is right either. There is more to do around here than can possibly get done in one spring, maybe 5 springs and a summer, but not in one spring...it's good having one son home, but adds a lot to our household, and my health is bad enough now, that I barely keep myself going, much less the husband and 2 kids that are still suppose to be home. Our youngest has decided that defiant disobedient is good, and at 13, he's old enough to know that I won't tolerate that. Got a neighbor that I don't even want to talk about. Not enough money to pay all the bills and do the things around here we need to do. Hurting so bad I can barely move. Missing our son of course. Having self doubts. Tired of even trying to keep breathing, not to mention the effort it takes to breath with asthma and severe allergies, no one will treat. Just a boat load of the usual...in fact, I kind of hope no one reads this, much less responds, cause honestly, it makes me sound like a whining )*&__+*U(* even though my heart is so full of gratitude and wonder and thankfulness that it is overflowing. I know that probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me. I survived, even thrived, in the midst of child abuse, molesting as a teen, a marriage that was being destroyed by porn. I survived and even thrived, being abused by the church and left for dead. I survived and even thrived the loss of our son, as I watched another go off to war. Yadda Yadda Yadda...If nothing else, I am a testimony to the power of God to not just survive, but to thrive in the midst of an evil and sinful world. None the less, I am tired, I just want to close my eyes and wake in the arms of my King. I know He still has work for me here, I get that, and I willingly submit to that...but I'm tired, simply tired, and hurting, just simply in pain. I struggle to just breath, and I don't want to fight anymore, even if fighting is to breath...Our sons death still, almost 3 years later seems surreal...well, I just came here, to say, I'm so tired I want to cry...so very tired....
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