None of us are worthy of the gift of life. But one of the commandments that we are told to do is love our neighbors as we love ourselfs. Maybe i misunderstood you from what it sounded like you didnt like yourself so much. Maybe i had it wrong you seem to know who you are in Christ . My intensions are good
one of the things I have been learning about myself through this latest bout of flashbacks, is that the evidence of the abuse in my life, does come out at times, whether I like it or not. when it does, I have to go through a process of unlearning, then relearning. I've been working on this for awhile, but right now, this is a whole new "favor" that I was not prepared for.
Let me give you a bit more info about me and this struggle.
This time of year, my allergies and asthma are so bad that I feel miserable all the time. Always on the verge of ER visit. During this time, my weakened state, produces flashbacks to the abuses and griefs of the past. That is when I start fighting depression, but I also learn a lot about myself and why I am the way I am, why I behave the way I do and what I need to overcome the scars that remain. This year, the revelation is that I don't want anyone to "retaliate" but I want to know that someone is willing to fight the abusers on my account. IOW's this incident testifies to me that someone finds me worthy, however, acting upon that is something I am not yet able to process, it isn't about "fixing" anything, but rather about caring enough to find me of enough value to want to fix it.
I am so thrilled that they would love me enough to care that words cannot express my feelings, however, at the same time, doing something about it is not something I am prepared to deal with, that is still a foreign concept, something beyond my grasp of understanding. I'm working on it, but for now, it is still outside my ability to grasp that anyone would care enough about me, to actually act upon their "feelings". I was told my entire life that I was worth nothing. Even when our son died, one family member, tried to reduce our son to the monetary value that was his. This kind of thing turns my stomach as I understand who I am in Christ, however, at the same time, I know that I have no value apart from God, which means it is to be given to Him not me. In my head, I know that their gift was given to God, through us, but in my heart, I'm still struggling with understanding that I am worthy of such favor from God or anyone else. In my heart, I am still not even worthy of life.
(worthy of life story) I have severe allergies to the point of near death. One day, my father put a chemical I'm allergic to on the cat. I had a reaction bad enough that my mother and now husband wanted to take me to the ER. I couldn't breath, my throat and tongue were swelling, my lung ceased up. My father laughed and put the chemical on the carpet. To this day, if he can get ahold of the chemical and knows we are coming, he will spray it on the carpet and in the air. When you are told that you are of no more value than watching you suffocate and laugh about it, it does something to your understanding of how people view you.
Well, enough of that, didn't want to go into all of the past, time to focus on taking the flashbacks captive and putting them on the things of God.
