Any unusual situations experienced at church because you're female?

[JCFantasy23]

Another thread got me thinking about this. Do you think that you were ever treated differently at a church because of your gender? This could include unfairness, sexism, or even in the other scope of things with favoritism and more praise or opportunities.

 

[SkyWriting]

Another thread got me thinking about this. Do you think that you were ever treated differently at a church because of your gender? This could include unfairness, sexism, or even in the other scope of things with favoritism and more praise or opportunities.

Our pastors wife became the church leader. I don't recall if she became the pastor after I left. But she always said she had a different road to travel in her efforts than her husband did.

 

[AnnaDeborah]

Definitely double standards for men and women in a lot of churches I've been in. Glad the one I am in now treats us all with equal value and respect.

 

[seeking.IAM]

If you'll permit a male's answer about a female question...My now-retired wife practiced a profession and was a working mom. The church we attended while raising kids (not my current denomination) had an evangelical, conservative bent. There was a lot of bias in the church about women staying at home and being full-time, stay-at-home moms. This came from other women themselves, and wasn't really a position of the pastorate. My wife came to feel as if she was thought of as "less than" because she chose to work outside of the home. All of the church's women's activities were scheduled during the daytime, so my wife could never participate. The negative message that she was being a selfish, bad mom made her feel out-of-place and was so strong she decided to give up on the institutional church. It makes me very sad.

Our children are now grown and gone. They are well-educated, professional, functional adults. Yet my wife's injury lingers and I still sit in the pew by myself.

 

[AnnaDeborah]

I am so sorry. I pray that your wife will find healing.

 

[dreadnought]

Another thread got me thinking about this. Do you think that you were ever treated differently at a church because of your gender? This could include unfairness, sexism, or even in the other scope of things with favoritism and more praise or opportunities.

I fear there are Christians who treat women as inferior. They make no secret of it.

 

[bekkilyn]

I haven't really experienced it lately, but I'm not sure if it's because I really haven't experienced it, or if I'm just so used to experiencing it that I don't even recognize it when it happens.

 

[AnnaDeborah]

I've found more odd situations based on my being a single woman compared to married women. E.g. a number of years back, a close friend invited me to her wedding. There was the standard bit in the church notices the previous week that 'any members of the congregation who would like to see the couple marry are welcome to attend the service'. Five minutes before the service was due to start, one of the deacons tapped me on the shoulder (where I was sitting in the seats reserved for those who had received a formal, personal invitation to the wedding and reception) and asked me to go out and look after the children of some of the church members who had popped in to watch the service. "It would be nice for them to have a break from looking after their children and be able to watch the service in peace". I pointed out that I had been formally invited to attend, my friends would be very disappointed if I wasn't there and someone who hadn't received a personal invitation should look after the kids. "Oh, but none of them are single. They have to look after children all the time, so it's not fair to expect them to look after other people's."

 

[bekkilyn]

I've found more odd situations based on my being a single woman compared to married women. E.g. a number of years back, a close friend invited me to her wedding. There was the standard bit in the church notices the previous week that 'any members of the congregation who would like to see the couple marry are welcome to attend the service'. Five minutes before the service was due to start, one of the deacons tapped me on the shoulder (where I was sitting in the seats reserved for those who had received a formal, personal invitation to the wedding and reception) and asked me to go out and look after the children of some of the church members who had popped in to watch the service. "It would be nice for them to have a break from looking after their children and be able to watch the service in peace". I pointed out that I had been formally invited to attend, my friends would be very disappointed if I wasn't there and someone who hadn't received a personal invitation should look after the kids. "Oh, but none of them are single. They have to look after children all the time, so it's not fair to expect them to look after other people's."

I can think of a couple responses....

"Do these parents know you are passing their beloved children off to random strangers without running any background checks?"

"There is good reason why I chose never to have children." *ominous look*

Or the one I'd probably use in practice...

"Nope, not going to do that. God never promised life would be fair."

I've never had anything remotely like this happen before though.

 

[bekkilyn]

You know what...this last post just reminded me of a great article on single "neighbors" that came out for Christianity today this week!

Learning to see your single neighbor

 

[JCFantasy23]

If you'll permit a male's answer about a female question...My now-retired wife practiced a profession and was a working mom. The church we attended while raising kids (not my current denomination) had an evangelical, conservative bent. There was a lot of bias in the church about women staying at home and being full-time, stay-at-home moms. This came from other women themselves, and wasn't really a position of the pastorate. My wife came to feel as if she was thought of as "less than" because she chose to work outside of the home. All of the church's women's activities were scheduled during the daytime, so my wife could never participate. The negative message that she was being a selfish, bad mom made her feel out-of-place and was so strong she decided to give up on the institutional church. It makes me very sad.

Our children are now grown and gone. They are well-educated, professional, functional adults. Yet my wife's injury lingers and I still sit in the pew by myself.

That's a shame about your wife! I'm sorry she was made to feel badly about having a career. That's definitely not right.

 

[JCFantasy23]

I've found more odd situations based on my being a single woman compared to married women. E.g. a number of years back, a close friend invited me to her wedding. There was the standard bit in the church notices the previous week that 'any members of the congregation who would like to see the couple marry are welcome to attend the service'. Five minutes before the service was due to start, one of the deacons tapped me on the shoulder (where I was sitting in the seats reserved for those who had received a formal, personal invitation to the wedding and reception) and asked me to go out and look after the children of some of the church members who had popped in to watch the service. "It would be nice for them to have a break from looking after their children and be able to watch the service in peace". I pointed out that I had been formally invited to attend, my friends would be very disappointed if I wasn't there and someone who hadn't received a personal invitation should look after the kids. "Oh, but none of them are single. They have to look after children all the time, so it's not fair to expect them to look after other people's."

Wow, that took some nerve on his part. Your invitation wasn't as important because you didn't have kids of your own yet? Yikes, I would have been beyond irritated.

 

[JCFantasy23]

You know what...this last post just reminded me of a great article on single "neighbors" that came out for Christianity today this week!

Learning to see your single neighbor

Interesting article.

I've seen a lot of comments about single issues in churches on the forums - the singles forum especially. I never experienced anything negative about this myself, but I don't have as much church history as a lot of Christians here. Or else I've just been lucky.

 

[Paidiske]

Another thread got me thinking about this. Do you think that you were ever treated differently at a church because of your gender? This could include unfairness, sexism, or even in the other scope of things with favoritism and more praise or opportunities.

How long have you got?

Short answer, yes, this has happened to some degree just about every church I've been involved in.

Most egregious example was being kicked out of theological college while I was pregnant, rather than being given flexibility in my programme.

 

[All4Christ]

Well....we can’t be priest or deacons, so I guess that is a big difference I don’t feel like we are treated differently though in equality, value of our opinion or input, other ministries, etc. We have women who preach, teach, sometimes act as president of the parish council, lead the choir, etc. Preaching isn’t the most common ministry for women, but it does happen some.

Many women in our church stay home with kids when they are young, but plenty work as well. I am one of the only married women without kids, though, so I guess that does separate me some from some others who are my age / life stage.

So....being the odd one out for not having kids yet (not for a lack of trying) and not having an ordained role are probably the two biggest differences. I’m fine with the latter though, since it isn’t related to the whole “women are the weaker sex and were the first to sin, so they can’t preach to or teach men or talk at services” and the such. That is frustrating to hear. The former is tough on multiple levels.

ETA: It is strange to me though that a man can be ordained as a reader, and a woman reader can’t be ordained. We both can be readers, but being ordained as a reader is I guess part of that lower level of the ordained clergy /priesthood. Since we both can do the same thing though, just without the title, it’s not a big deal to me.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

If you'll permit a male's answer about a female question...My now-retired wife practiced a profession and was a working mom. The church we attended while raising kids (not my current denomination) had an evangelical, conservative bent. There was a lot of bias in the church about women staying at home and being full-time, stay-at-home moms. This came from other women themselves, and wasn't really a position of the pastorate. My wife came to feel as if she was thought of as "less than" because she chose to work outside of the home. All of the church's women's activities were scheduled during the daytime, so my wife could never participate. The negative message that she was being a selfish, bad mom made her feel out-of-place and was so strong she decided to give up on the institutional church. It makes me very sad.

Our children are now grown and gone. They are well-educated, professional, functional adults. Yet my wife's injury lingers and I still sit in the pew by myself.

Have you together sought / asked/ a solution - maybe fellowship somewhere else without the problems ?
Yahweh's (God's) Way perhaps to accomplish >>

I am so sorry. I pray that your wife will find healing.

and to find somewhere that is 'right', fulfilling the Gospel and being Christ's Fellowship without irreconcilable differences that prevent the flow of JESUS' GRACE ?

That's a shame about your wife! I'm sorry she was made to feel badly about having a career. That's definitely not right.

I think what was not right was much more than views about "career",
i.e. the apparent (if not unaware) hard-heartedness of the women in the institutional church......
Yet, perhaps, if the pastorate was not aware or not responsible somehow.....

This came from other women themselves, and wasn't really a position of the pastorate.

perhaps they could have come to a peaceful and 'right' solution then and there ?

 

[Dave-W]

Most egregious example was being kicked out of theological college while I was pregnant, rather than being given flexibility in my programme.

OUCH!!!

That was certainly rude and illegal (at least here in the States).

 

[JCFantasy23]

Short answer, yes, this has happened to some degree just about every church I've been involved in.

I'm sure you may have the most stories since you're actually in ministry and probably see bias quite a bit, or hear of it from others who come to you for support about it.

 

[JCFantasy23]

This one is weird - when I was a teenager, my mother and I decided to try to get into a church-going habit. We tried a relatively busy Lutheran church down the road. I put on a dress and makeup, not used to church but being taught you were supposed to dress up. We were sitting there when this teenage boy who apparently was crushing on me pretty hard sat next to me. We were around 13/14 at the time. I was shy and trying to ignore him while still being polite, but all the adults in the service thought it was the cutest thing. He was apparently a regular there and they were all for it. He wouldn't stop leaning on me, wasn't paying attention to the service at all since he was all out flirting, it was odd. I started feeling uncomfortable, and then he leaned down and kissed me right on the skin of my chest/cleavage right during church service! My mother and I were just stunned the adults kept thinking this was sweet/funny, we definitely didn't go back there.

 

[JCFantasy23]

The second issue was in my late twenties. My ex and I attended a non-denominational church because that is his preference and I agreed to try some of them out. I don't know how else to describe this other than what I view as either sexism or just not liking me for some reason. We introduced ourselves at the front outside the doors, and they made a point to shake his hand before mine - even if I was closest to them and had my hand out. I ignored this thinking perhaps it was a respect issue to shake the man's hand first? But it got worse when we went inside. Instead of bringing out two new membership packets, they brought out one and went completely over me to hand it to him instead. I was the one closest to the aisle and reaching for it, so they had to go completely over me to hand it to him instead. They were polite and talked to me, but kept handing everything to him instead. It was odd. Even he commented on it because it was pretty obvious.