Alcoholics and Addicts Discussion/Support Thread

MarkChristopher · Oct 22, 2005

Sober all week this week....Imagine that!

Still dealing with stress issues though. Seems just about anything (large or small) lately will set me off. I don't like having a hair-trigger temper. My wife really hates it. Seems there can be a lot of hurt when an angry word comes flying out.

I really want to calm myself down. Thats a hard thing it seems for me.

Anyone have any suggestions?

tiredmom · Oct 24, 2005

Hi, everybody...well, like MC, I too have managed to stay sober about that long...but I too am having issues. I feel very quiet, and sort of disconnected from everybody.

This has been interpreted by my husband and oldest daughter as my being in a "bad mood". I call it being "quiet so as not to provoke anybody." Besides, why bother to open up? Nobody really wants to know how I feel anyway. My husband shows this by ignoring what I say. By the time he even realizes I'm talking to him, it's "Huh? What?" Why bother...

I know it's not all about me (and I had this reinforced to me at church this Sunday)...but I feel like sometimes it is about me. For instance, my husband almost always is so critical of anything the kids or I do. We never seem to clean the house/bedrooms up to his expectations. Nothing ever gets done in his time frame. He is verbally critical of everybody, yet he puts on this air of perfection when it comes to anything he does. Only HE can set the posts right for my horses' corral...which is why it hasn't yet been finished. He works (like I don't?), and hasn't time to do it until HE has time. Which is rarely. (I was promised this fence a year ago, when we first moved here...we bought the lumber in June, and there it sat until last month...we've only set 10 posts in a month. there are fifty to set, not to mention the rails which must be put on after.

He won't allow my friend and I to set the posts while he's at work (even though he's seen the beautiful woodwork and home improvement she's done herself in her own home). why? Because NOBODY can do it his way, or as good as he can. So there it all sits, undone, in a year's time. No corral, no shelter, and fall is definitely here, with its cold winds and rain. The horses have nothing but a tiny round pen and falling apart tarped structure. It doesn't even have any walls. Why? Because we removed the tarp walls when summer came, on the assumption he/we would have it all built BEFORE winter. Ha. It still isn't started, much less finished. I call this a broken promise. There have been lots of times we coulod have worked on it. He chooses other stuff in his free time.

These are the kind of things that torque me out. These are the kind of things that, no matter how much I pray, still come from him, at least every other day. These are the kind of things that Satan often uses to try to push me to drink. My husband never hits us, never throws things...but he does yell at the kids way too much, and he does abuse us verbally and emotionally with his put-downs and implications that we are not "good enough". I am sick and tired of it.

Finally last night, as we were finishing up a bathroom remodel project (which by the way, took me about a month to do, as we had a houseguest during, and I had to stop the project for about a week and a half...and I battle manic depression, but more to the depressive side) , he starts in on how long it's taken me to finish this. (It was my project, my responsibility.) He actually made me quit painting (the job was a faux finish, and required 2 more light coats, easily done in a day or two), all because he didn't want to wait-- he wanted to put up the new cabinets and finish the remodel RIGHT NOW, because he was "tired of living in a half-done bathroom". Crap. so much for the paint job being done right. He's always complaining about how "half-done" everything we do is...and then he causes my artistic job to be half-done. I don't personally like the outcome, because I KNOW in my mind how it was supposed to look when finished. (siiiigh)
Last night, after the last bit of criticism he had, and much of his implied criticism, by looks and body language (it isn't always verbalized!), I finally blurted out, "You know what? FOr the last twenty years, you have been criticizing everything I do, and it's never good enough, and you are a perfectionist. I am tired of this!" To which he replied, "Oh yeah, drag my mother into this!" I hadn't said a WORD about her, but he is right, and he knows it: she too is a perfectionist, always had/has a spotless house, redoes everything every three days, because she is not happy with it. He is an only child, and she spent every waking moment cleaning. She will clean the clean. Nowadays, she keeps telling me how much she missed with him, and telling me a spotless house is not as important as one's kids, because they're only little for awhile, and then they're gone. She's right; but he doesn't buy it. He thinks I am lazy (although he hasn't come right out and said THAT...but his criticism, and some other statements he's made indicate it), and he thinks that as a stay-at-home mom, I ought to have FAR more done in a day than I do. After all the kids are at school most of the day...so I have ALL KINDS of free time, right?

well, I do what I can, it's not always perfect, and I deprive myself oftentimes of things **I** want to do. I have a four year old horse I've wanted to train since I got him at one...and he still isn't saddle broke. All I do with the horses is basically feed them anymore. I hardly even have time to trim hooves. I never ride, haven't ridden in a year. why? Because between trying to clean, shopping, helping with homework, and making meals, I don't have time. and whe I DO take an hour to work on something artistic, or do something ***I*** want to do, he is critical and mentions other things "you should hasve been spending time on", rather than artistic pursuits, etc. He feels my interests are frivolous and time wasting. Hmph.

So there, now I got it out. I know this probably not the right forum to spew it in, but it is one of the MAJOR things that makes me want to drink. I have to really fight the urge, because the criticism is often, and the constant feeling of failure is in my mind and heart. Yes, I KNOW God is pleased with me, and helping me, but not EXPECTING perfection of me, as I am human, and broken, and not perfect in this life. He loves me as I am, and will improve on me in His timing, not my husband's. But when you are married to this guy, and have loved him for 23 years, and live with him every day, 20 years of criticism wears on you. And when it now is aimed at the kids as well, that hurts. And they are now what he calls "overly sensitive" about criticism. They feel crushed at the littlest bit of negative respons to their best tries. They are intelligent well behaved kids, and love their dad much. He doesn't complain about the straight A's, but everything else is not perfect. It makes them cry, they feel deeply hurt when he yells and complains.

My husband told me, "If you have a problem with criticism, then it's just YOUR guilty conscience!" He actually said that last night. I told him, "If I had a guilty conscience, wouldn't that mean I am doing something wrong??? I have nothing to feel guilty about! I do what I can, and it's not good enough for you, and that's what it is!!" I cried and cried, in the new bathroom, scrubbing my paint drips off the bottome of the garden tub (which by the way, I've only used twice in a year since we bought this house. I just don't have time to lounge. The dog has had more baths in it than I.) I am tired of this!

Again, sorry to have vented here, I guess it would have been better somewhere else. But I am really driven to the brink of drinking with this attitude of his. I can't get through to him about it, because HE is perfect, and couldn't possibly be this mean. I am so sick and tired of it.

Please pray for me....I don't know what to do, except to kill myself trying to live up to his impossible standards. It's been 20 years, and if I haven't changed by now, he probably isn't going to change me. Believe me, I've tried a lot, so please don't give me any well meaning advice on "getting organized", using a schedule, whatever. It doesn't work. even if I was perfect, it still wouldn't be good enough for him.

Thanks for allowing me to vent. Hopefully I won't cave in to a beer or three. I'm really struggling.

jussanuddername · Oct 27, 2005

LAWise520 said:
I was doing some catnip last night....and as much as many people don't think it's a drug even, it is...so back off....but man....later I had a horrid coughing fit and couldn't sleep, finally I got some nightquil ...but now I'm back to coughing again....not to mention the fact that catnip tastes nasty.

Catnip has no toxins/intoxicating chemicals. Cats react to it from the smell. It has no effect on humans, so unless you have four legs and a tail, stop wasting your time.

jussanuddername · Oct 27, 2005

MarkChristopher said:
Sober all week this week....Imagine that!

Still dealing with stress issues though. Seems just about anything (large or small) lately will set me off. I don't like having a hair-trigger temper. My wife really hates it. Seems there can be a lot of hurt when an angry word comes flying out.

I really want to calm myself down. Thats a hard thing it seems for me.

Anyone have any suggestions?

Breathe, pray, call someone in recovery, go for a walk. Are you in AA? Read your Big Book. Are you in NA (like me) read your basic text.
Congratulations on your week. You cannot do this on your own. The twelve steps are the way to go.

MarkChristopher · Oct 27, 2005

Hello!

I have to laugh! I am here in the house alone tonight. It could be very easy for me to have gone right out and picked up something to drink. But you know what? I didn't. I did not even have the urge or inclination to.

I think I surprised my wife. She called the house about 10 minutes or so after she left to go out. I kind of think she was expecting the phone to just ring...which would have been her clue that I ran out to the package store. BUt I didn't!

No...I do believe that I have gotten that out of my system.

Its been a much better week this week. I'm sure that there will continue to be peaks and valleys. But I'm still here. And I've met a lot of nice people here on this forum.

Thank you all again for your prayers and support.

God Bless!

jussanuddername · Oct 27, 2005

Mark keep up the good work, but please find a support system to help you.
Don't think you can win this battle on your own, few have found true recovery without the support of those who are empathetic to your problem. There is no reason to do this on your own. The spritual disease is cunning baffling and powerful abd will sneak up on you when you least expect it and when the desire comes, what are you going to do? Post on a bulletin board and hope someone reads it in time?

MarkChristopher · Oct 28, 2005

jussanuddername said:
Mark keep up the good work, but please find a support system to help you.
Don't think you can win this battle on your own, few have found true recovery without the support of those who are empathetic to your problem. There is no reason to do this on your own. The spritual disease is cunning baffling and powerful abd will sneak up on you when you least expect it and when the desire comes, what are you going to do? Post on a bulletin board and hope someone reads it in time?

Your point is well taken. I should have a support net handy.

I appreciate your advice!

jussanuddername · Oct 28, 2005

The only reason that I offer this "advice" is that I have tried to stay clean on my own many times and have always failed. I have known literally thousands of recovering people over the past 20 years and I have never known anyone to be successful doing it on their own.

MarkChristopher · Oct 29, 2005

jussanuddername said:
The only reason that I offer this "advice" is that I have tried to stay clean on my own many times and have always failed. I have known literally thousands of recovering people over the past 20 years and I have never known anyone to be successful doing it on their own.

I really didn't know how to get started. And I reached such a state that knew I had to do something. I found this site, peeked into the door and decided to come in.

I'm glad that I have.

TheMainException · Nov 8, 2005

jussanuddername said:
Catnip has no toxins/intoxicating chemicals. Cats react to it from the smell. It has no effect on humans, so unless you have four legs and a tail, stop wasting your time.

Hey...you know what....have you read the stuff about people trying it...huh huh? Have ya? Cats react from the smell of the oils and chemicals in it.....how do you know that only cats react to it? Have YOU tried it??? Cause you can't bash something you haven't tried....

pilgrimdon · Nov 8, 2005

I agree on this and feel it has biblical merrit and support...

jussanuddername said:
The only reason that I offer this "advice" is that I have tried to stay clean on my own many times and have always failed. I have known literally thousands of recovering people over the past 20 years and I have never known anyone to be successful doing it on their own.

I wont drag in all the biblical references to "allelon" Grk for the "one anothers" in the NT. But it definitely builds the sense of accountability and responsablity to each other. It is also clear when to let one go and fall so the enemy and the world can have its way and tear him/her up in hopes that they might become restored. But through and through and all in all it rings reconciliation... with commitment and bearing one another burdens (struggles/addictions/issues/etc..)...

Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand.
-Emily Kimbrough

jussanuddername · Nov 11, 2005

LAWise520 said:
Have YOU tried it??? Cause you can't bash something you haven't tried....

I haven't tried leprosy either, but I know that it isn't something I want to try.

Go ahead then. Do your catnip, it's better than doing something that actually gets you high.

SOTK · Dec 17, 2005

How's it going everyone?

SOTK · Dec 17, 2005

Christmas can be hard for some people with addictions. Is everyone doing well?

Serenity432001 · Dec 17, 2005

Hi Everyone, I am new to this board and this is my first post. I was interested in this thread because I am also a recovering alcoholic/addict. My sobriety date is Feb 23, 1993. Even though I haven't had a drink or a drug I feel like I've had lots of dry relapses since that time and Christmas is a difficult time for me. There is quite a lot of stress in my life right now and I am relying heavily on God, AA & the twelve steps & other recovering alcoholics at this time. I find that I need all of the above to stay sober. I'm so glad you all are here and hope to find shared experiences, strengths, & hopes.

Blessings

Lisa P

SOTK · Dec 18, 2005

I am glad you are here, sister. Do you feel like talking about your stress?

Serenity432001 · Dec 18, 2005

Well, how much time do you have? lol My 21 year old daughter is due to deliver my first grandchild any day now. She is not married and the father is not in the picture so she'll be doing this on her own. There have been some good things come from it I feel, though. She's really wanting and has right now anyway, changed her behaviour and wants to be a good mom but I worry about the responsibility part & etc.--how much do I support--how much do I not-kind of thing. The second thing that is stressing me out is my 17 year old son is set to go into the air force in March and this is a good thing I feel. We had a really rough year last year and once he made a decision to join the air force, his behaviour & attitude has changed but it's the waiting that is stressful and they will call and say your going Tues and then call back and say no your not and this kind of thing but that's just the military so I hear. The third thing is my husband's job is causing us to have to move in about 5 or 6 months so there is the selling of the house, leaving my job, & finding a new place to live stresses. I know that I have so much to be greatful for and don't want to sound like I'm complaining but I'm just in reality(for a change-ha)that I do have several things going on and that each one individually are considered high stress and to have them all at once along with the stress of the holidays can be a bit much. The good news is I am in recovery and do have a set of tools to help me thru this and for that I am so very grateful! God is good and friends are good! I appreciate you asking--it was very helpful just to write it all down. I've been looking for an on-line meeting type thing or message board that I have sense enough to figure out so I am glad this is here. Thanks again

Lisa P

SOTK · Dec 18, 2005

Serenity432001 said:
Well, how much time do you have? lol My 21 year old daughter is due to deliver my first grandchild any day now. She is not married and the father is not in the picture so she'll be doing this on her own. There have been some good things come from it I feel, though. She's really wanting and has right now anyway, changed her behaviour and wants to be a good mom but I worry about the responsibility part & etc.--how much do I support--how much do I not-kind of thing. The second thing that is stressing me out is my 17 year old son is set to go into the air force in March and this is a good thing I feel. We had a really rough year last year and once he made a decision to join the air force, his behaviour & attitude has changed but it's the waiting that is stressful and they will call and say your going Tues and then call back and say no your not and this kind of thing but that's just the military so I hear. The third thing is my husband's job is causing us to have to move in about 5 or 6 months so there is the selling of the house, leaving my job, & finding a new place to live stresses. I know that I have so much to be greatful for and don't want to sound like I'm complaining but I'm just in reality(for a change-ha)that I do have several things going on and that each one individually are considered high stress and to have them all at once along with the stress of the holidays can be a bit much. The good news is I am in recovery and do have a set of tools to help me thru this and for that I am so very grateful! God is good and friends are good! I appreciate you asking--it was very helpful just to write it all down. I've been looking for an on-line meeting type thing or message board that I have sense enough to figure out so I am glad this is here. Thanks again

Lisa P

Yes, it sounds like you have a full plate! You know, I have been reading a lot about Paul's suffering lately (I have some things going on as well). Check out the scripture below:

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassing great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in harships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthinas 12:7-10

Our hardships and weaknesses can draw us closer to God and show us our deep need for Him. It's hard to delight in these times of harship and difficulties, believe me, but I am learning how to do this. I don't think the above Scripture shows that Christ delight's in our sufferings, however, I do believe that our suffering can be used to draw us closer to Him. The closer I get to Him the more I trust that He will take care of me and the concerns I have. He wants us to go to Him and trust in Him.

Thanks for sharing with me. It does help to write stuff like this out and get it off your chest. We are supposed to be learning on each other and sharing these burdens.

You know, as weird as this sounds, I can sometimes look forward to difficulties like Paul. It feels good to be able to feel and deal with difficulties without going to the bottle. I have God to go to now and He really is faithful and a good God!

I'll be praying for you.

In Christ,

SOTK

Serenity432001 · Dec 19, 2005

Thanks SOTK for those wise words--very comforting and needed. Also, appreciate the prayers. You will be in mine as well.

If Not For Grace · Dec 19, 2005

I don't know why. I just did.

Alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics, that's why. Like a smoker, once addicted you are addicted.

I am a believer in the VOID theory. We look to fill what we perceive as voids in our life with various substances or things to fill the voids (sex, $$$, drugs, etc.)
We believe these things will make us happy.

Our walk should be a spiritual one. Let it begin.....with me. Note the pause.
12-steps do work, if you work them. READ ODAT and The courage to change daily readings, give them a chance. What do you have to loose?

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