Afraid I'm Fake

[Duke of Stratford]

I guess this is something of a follow-up from my first-ever thread. I received a lot of great advice there, and I'm very thankful for it.

I'm still struggling with making God the center of my life. I pray about it all the time. I know I can love God much more than I do now, and I want to. I want to know Him as my Father, as my everything. It feels really hard for me to do that sometimes. I have these beautiful quiet moments where I really feel Him, where I feel Christ's love in such a wonderful way, but it's usually a short time until I feel like God just...tolerates me. Or like I'm missing something that keeps me from the joy in faith that almost everyone else seems to have. If my progress is slow, that's okay--I know it's slow for a lot of people--but I can't shake the fear that I'm just fooling myself into thinking I'm a genuine follower.

My biggest worry is that, at the end of the day, I'm the thorny soil from the Parable of the Sower; that I'm too distracted, too anxious about other things to actually bear fruit. Again, I pray about this, but I worry I'm still doing something wrong or that I'm not doing enough for there to be any change. The problem is, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't think God is calling me to anything specific right now--at least nothing that would change this.

I worry that I'm sinning nearly every moment I'm not doing something faith-related. I worry that I don't obey out of love, only out of fear or some sense of obligation. I worry that I'm lukewarm and just don't care enough, or I'm not caring correctly, or or or or or.

I make no secret of the fact that I have really bad anxiety problems. And that may be a part of it. Family, friends, and church mentors tell me time and time again I worry too much about this sort of thing. But what if it's not my anxiety? I don't want to be one of those poor souls who ends up unpleasantly surprised when my time comes.

I know this is a lot, but if anyone can relate, or if anyone has some advice...I'd really appreciate it.

 

[GospelS]

God is still working in all of us and He will bring it to completion. Most of us are all just like you and had to go through the similar process. All we can do is continue to hold on to God in faith. I had been through what you explained for almost 18 years but suddenly it all changed one day and I’m not the same anymore. I would strongly encourage you to keep thanking God for everything little thing and pray to give you the gift of His Holy Spirit.

The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit. John 3:8

 

[theoneandonlypencil]

I guess this is something of a follow-up from my first-ever thread. I received a lot of great advice there, and I'm very thankful for it.

I'm still struggling with making God the center of my life. I pray about it all the time. I know I can love God much more than I do now, and I want to. I want to know Him as my Father, as my everything. It feels really hard for me to do that sometimes. I have these beautiful quiet moments where I really feel Him, where I feel Christ's love in such a wonderful way, but it's usually a short time until I feel like God just...tolerates me. Or like I'm missing something that keeps me from the joy in faith that almost everyone else seems to have. If my progress is slow, that's okay--I know it's slow for a lot of people--but I can't shake the fear that I'm just fooling myself into thinking I'm a genuine follower.

My biggest worry is that, at the end of the day, I'm the thorny soil from the Parable of the Sower; that I'm too distracted, too anxious about other things to actually bear fruit. Again, I pray about this, but I worry I'm still doing something wrong or that I'm not doing enough for there to be any change. The problem is, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't think God is calling me to anything specific right now--at least nothing that would change this.

I worry that I'm sinning nearly every moment I'm not doing something faith-related. I worry that I don't obey out of love, only out of fear or some sense of obligation. I worry that I'm lukewarm and just don't care enough, or I'm not caring correctly, or or or or or.

I make no secret of the fact that I have really bad anxiety problems. And that may be a part of it. Family, friends, and church mentors tell me time and time again I worry too much about this sort of thing. But what if it's not my anxiety? I don't want to be one of those poor souls who ends up unpleasantly surprised when my time comes.

I know this is a lot, but if anyone can relate, or if anyone has some advice...I'd really appreciate it.

Honestly this looks like something I would write almost word for word, so I can empathize with how you're feeling. If you want, feel free to shoot me a DM and we can talk about it.

 

[Tempura]

"if anyone can relate" oh boy, I believe so many of us can.

I believe we can make a bad habit or worshiping our faith instead of God. We are not letting God be on the throne, we're putting our faith there and constantly scrutinizing it, trying to shine it and examine it. In a very weird way, when we want to reach for God, we're reaching inside ourselves and then comes the never-ending struggle to fix a broken machine ourselves. Our faith isn't perfect. Remember the man who cried "help my unbelief", he knew, and Christ knew too. The One we're grasping with our faith, He is perfect. So instead of being constantly worried about the strength of our own grasp, we can focus on His strength who is on the other end, who died for you and is able to keep you standing, and will not lose you. In short, great and good thoughts of God and His loving ability, instead of despairing for our own inability.

Anxiety is a [insert a ban-worthy word here]. I've had it all my life. But anxiety and fear doesn't get to be God, no matter how often they like to present themselves as such. We can learn to not depend on our feelings, but take a stance instead. We can go to God as broken and fearful as we are, and leave it to Him. We can even leave our faith in His hands and ask for all good spiritual things. When we can't trust ourselves anymore, it becomes easier to actually trust God when we can't find in ourselves what we need. I'm talking about trust that defies feelings and circumstances, He can do it.

Try not to worry. Christ has you. He is the author and finisher of our faith, not us. Said a prayer for you.

 

[Sophrosyne]

I wish I 'felt" God the way you do, about the best I have "felt" is a rather subtle peace come over me when I'm very anxious and upset so subtle that I didn't even realize it for year that it happened at all.
God is there always even if you don't "feel" him he listens to every word you speak to him and I believe even knows your feelings and anxiety and everything you are going though and things will get better and worse in cycles over time for you to help you trust in him more and be a lot less anxiouis training your mind to conquer what it tries to upend you over.
So if you don't feel him don't fret, just realize how lucky you are to have that gift but it can be a curse to some believers as they sort of get hooked on the feeling even addicted to it and go through withdrawal when it doesn't happen as often or intense they think God has left them or is upset with them and go all nuts bothering everyone there is to pray for them and such when in fact it is I think part of like weaning people off that dependency into a stronger more durable faith.

 

[friend of]

James 1:4

 

[Dave G.]

None of us are up and running 100% 100% of the time. We're still human in fleshly bodies. Go read some of Apostle Pauls comments on this very matter concerning himself no less !!!

 

[anna ~ grace]

I guess this is something of a follow-up from my first-ever thread. I received a lot of great advice there, and I'm very thankful for it.

I'm still struggling with making God the center of my life. I pray about it all the time. I know I can love God much more than I do now, and I want to. I want to know Him as my Father, as my everything. It feels really hard for me to do that sometimes. I have these beautiful quiet moments where I really feel Him, where I feel Christ's love in such a wonderful way, but it's usually a short time until I feel like God just...tolerates me. Or like I'm missing something that keeps me from the joy in faith that almost everyone else seems to have. If my progress is slow, that's okay--I know it's slow for a lot of people--but I can't shake the fear that I'm just fooling myself into thinking I'm a genuine follower.

My biggest worry is that, at the end of the day, I'm the thorny soil from the Parable of the Sower; that I'm too distracted, too anxious about other things to actually bear fruit. Again, I pray about this, but I worry I'm still doing something wrong or that I'm not doing enough for there to be any change. The problem is, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't think God is calling me to anything specific right now--at least nothing that would change this.

I worry that I'm sinning nearly every moment I'm not doing something faith-related. I worry that I don't obey out of love, only out of fear or some sense of obligation. I worry that I'm lukewarm and just don't care enough, or I'm not caring correctly, or or or or or.

I make no secret of the fact that I have really bad anxiety problems. And that may be a part of it. Family, friends, and church mentors tell me time and time again I worry too much about this sort of thing. But what if it's not my anxiety? I don't want to be one of those poor souls who ends up unpleasantly surprised when my time comes.

I know this is a lot, but if anyone can relate, or if anyone has some advice...I'd really appreciate it.

When I first came to Christ as an adult, I had similar scruples. Don't worry. Pray, trust in God, live your life, trust in Him to help you with sin, perspective, focus, and growth.

What helped me was setting aside time in the day to pray, and time at night, and just focusing on doing the best I can with Christ's help the rest of the day.

Many of us have similar worries. Don't worry so much, friend. God is saving you. You are not saving yourself. You co-operate with Him, but it's still His work, mercy, love, and grace bringing you through. We are all so small, weak, little, and messed up. All of us. Just follow Him. He'll help you.

 

[St_Worm2]

Hello again Blaire, the Christian life is wonderful, but it is anything but easy at times, so you can give yourself a break now and again for not being as perfect as you'd like to be (knowing that none of us are, and that the Lord does that regularly for all of us who are His too ).

BTW, do you know which command is given more than any other in the Bible by the Lord?

It's "do not fear"

Unfortunately, He probably felt it was necessary to repeat it so often because, like the somewhat similar command to, "trust God" .. e.g. Proverbs 3:5-6, it's one of the most difficult commands for us to obey. Again though, the Lord knows this, and fortunately for us, the two principle "ingredients" (so to speak) in His love for us as our Abba are "patience" & "kindness" .. 1 Corinthians 13:4

As for your OP, you wrote:

I have these beautiful quiet moments where I really feel Him, where I feel Christ's love in such a wonderful way, but it's usually a short time until I feel like God just...tolerates me. Or like I'm missing something that keeps me from the joy in faith that almost everyone else seems to have. If my progress is slow, that's okay--I know it's slow for a lot of people--but I can't shake the fear that I'm just fooling myself into thinking I'm a genuine follower.

The good news is this, the very same One who saved you also promised to sanctify you (grow you up in Christlikeness .. Philippians 1:6, 2:13) throughout this life, as well to see you safely through this life to be with Him in Glory .. e.g. John 10:27-28; Philippians 1:6, 2:13. So, as God continues to sanctify & preserve you in the faith .. e.g. 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 (and as you continue to work alongside of Him in the process of sanctification, as He enables you to .. e.g. Philippians 2:12-13), I think that you will find those "beautiful quiet moments", that you referred to above, happening more and more often

As far as God simply "tolerating you", no, you are either His "enemy" .. cf Romans 5:10, or you are His "daughter" .. e.g. John 1:12; Ephesians 1:4-6, who He loved so much that He chose to die rather than live w/o you (so that you wouldn't have to live out eternity w/o Him, nor He w/o you). So, whenever you find yourself doubting the reality of His love for you, just go back to the foot of the Cross and remember all that He did for you, because of His great and everlasting love for you!

As for what to do, when you get thoughts like, "I feel like God just...tolerates me" or "I can't shake the fear that I'm just fooling myself into thinking I'm a genuine follower", remember where (& from whom) those thoughts and feelings originate, and then take them "captive" .. 2 Corinthians 10:5, as we are commanded to do, because I don't believe that God is ever the One who is behind such condemning/confusing thoughts, Satan is .. e.g. James 4:7; 1 Peter 5:8-9.

So 1. choose to stop listening to Satan's lies and half-truths and then 2. make a conscious choice to listen to God/take Him at His very word instead, no matter how things feel or seem to you in the moment (this, BTW, is much easier said than done .. especially at first .. and Satan knows this .. but it does become easier because the promise .. that Satan will eventually flee from you .. will be fulfilled if you choose to obey the command to resist him, which we principally do by believing/trusting/obeying God and His word, ~instead~ of listening to Satan).

My biggest worry is that, at the end of the day, I'm the thorny soil from the Parable of the Sower

It might help you to think about/obey commands like this one .. 2 Corinthians 13:5, and look for ways to assure yourself that you are, indeed, a Christian. If you'd like to talk about what kinds of things to look for to figure that out (to figure out whether you are/are not truly, born again), we can discuss that here. Just let me (us) know.

God bless you! (Romans 8:28)

--David
p.s. - here is just one of the many ways that help us know whether or not we are true believers.

 

[Duke of Stratford]

"if anyone can relate" oh boy, I believe so many of us can.

I believe we can make a bad habit or worshiping our faith instead of God. We are not letting God be on the throne, we're putting our faith there and constantly scrutinizing it, trying to shine it and examine it. In a very weird way, when we want to reach for God, we're reaching inside ourselves and then comes the never-ending struggle to fix a broken machine ourselves. Our faith isn't perfect. Remember the man who cried "help my unbelief", he knew, and Christ knew too. The One we're grasping with our faith, He is perfect. So instead of being constantly worried about the strength of our own grasp, we can focus on His strength who is on the other end, who died for you and is able to keep you standing, and will not lose you. In short, great and good thoughts of God and His loving ability, instead of despairing for our own inability.

Anxiety is a [insert a ban-worthy word here]. I've had it all my life. But anxiety and fear doesn't get to be God, no matter how often they like to present themselves as such. We can learn to not depend on our feelings, but take a stance instead. We can go to God as broken and fearful as we are, and leave it to Him. We can even leave our faith in His hands and ask for all good spiritual things. When we can't trust ourselves anymore, it becomes easier to actually trust God when we can't find in ourselves what we need. I'm talking about trust that defies feelings and circumstances, He can do it.

Try not to worry. Christ has you. He is the author and finisher of our faith, not us. Said a prayer for you.

Man, I actually started crying while I read this. Thank you so much for these lovely words and for your prayers. It helps to hear this from someone who knows what it's like and doesn't sugar-coat it. Anxiety makes trusting God so, so hard in a myriad of ways. I just try to keep clinging to those moments of peace and remembering that, at the end of the day, is who He really is. That His love is evident in my brokenness. I'm not really sure what I'm saying right now, but just...thank you.

 

[Duke of Stratford]

I wish I 'felt" God the way you do, about the best I have "felt" is a rather subtle peace come over me when I'm very anxious and upset so subtle that I didn't even realize it for year that it happened at all.
God is there always even if you don't "feel" him he listens to every word you speak to him and I believe even knows your feelings and anxiety and everything you are going though and things will get better and worse in cycles over time for you to help you trust in him more and be a lot less anxiouis training your mind to conquer what it tries to upend you over.
So if you don't feel him don't fret, just realize how lucky you are to have that gift but it can be a curse to some believers as they sort of get hooked on the feeling even addicted to it and go through withdrawal when it doesn't happen as often or intense they think God has left them or is upset with them and go all nuts bothering everyone there is to pray for them and such when in fact it is I think part of like weaning people off that dependency into a stronger more durable faith.

Thanks. Honestly, those moments are really, really small and subtle; usually I feel insecure about how rare they are. I really should be blessed that they've been there at all. I know we aren't supposed to go by feelings, but there are a lot of people out there who say having some experience or other is what denotes your faith, and there are so many people who feel it all the time...it's hard not to get discouraged. Thank you for the reminder to appreciate what I have experienced; that's a blessing in and of itself, and maybe that's what I need. Stability instead of erratic hyper-emotionalism.

 

[Duke of Stratford]

When I first came to Christ as an adult, I had similar scruples. Don't worry. Pray, trust in God, live your life, trust in Him to help you with sin, perspective, focus, and growth.

What helped me was setting aside time in the day to pray, and time at night, and just focusing on doing the best I can with Christ's help the rest of the day.

Many of us have similar worries. Don't worry so much, friend. God is saving you. You are not saving yourself. You co-operate with Him, but it's still His work, mercy, love, and grace bringing you through. We are all so small, weak, little, and messed up. All of us. Just follow Him. He'll help you.

Thanks, Gracia. I've been working on setting aside time and being more focused in my Scripture reading, and it's been really helpful. Even though I know I'm not saving myself, it's still so easy to fall into the trap of not doing enough or being on-fire enough. But it's very helpful to hear that lovely folks like yourself can relate. One step at a time, I suppose.

 

[Sophrosyne]

Thanks. Honestly, those moments are really, really small and subtle; usually I feel insecure about how rare they are. I really should be blessed that they've been there at all. I know we aren't supposed to go by feelings, but there are a lot of people out there who say having some experience or other is what denotes your faith, and there are so many people who feel it all the time...it's hard not to get discouraged. Thank you for the reminder to appreciate what I have experienced; that's a blessing in and of itself, and maybe that's what I need. Stability instead of erratic hyper-emotionalism.

Anxiety is a form of fear and God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind
2 Tim 1:7

 

[longwait]

I guess this is something of a follow-up from my first-ever thread. I received a lot of great advice there, and I'm very thankful for it.

I'm still struggling with making God the center of my life. I pray about it all the time. I know I can love God much more than I do now, and I want to. I want to know Him as my Father, as my everything. It feels really hard for me to do that sometimes. I have these beautiful quiet moments where I really feel Him, where I feel Christ's love in such a wonderful way, but it's usually a short time until I feel like God just...tolerates me. Or like I'm missing something that keeps me from the joy in faith that almost everyone else seems to have. If my progress is slow, that's okay--I know it's slow for a lot of people--but I can't shake the fear that I'm just fooling myself into thinking I'm a genuine follower.

My biggest worry is that, at the end of the day, I'm the thorny soil from the Parable of the Sower; that I'm too distracted, too anxious about other things to actually bear fruit. Again, I pray about this, but I worry I'm still doing something wrong or that I'm not doing enough for there to be any change. The problem is, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't think God is calling me to anything specific right now--at least nothing that would change this.

I worry that I'm sinning nearly every moment I'm not doing something faith-related. I worry that I don't obey out of love, only out of fear or some sense of obligation. I worry that I'm lukewarm and just don't care enough, or I'm not caring correctly, or or or or or.

I make no secret of the fact that I have really bad anxiety problems. And that may be a part of it. Family, friends, and church mentors tell me time and time again I worry too much about this sort of thing. But what if it's not my anxiety? I don't want to be one of those poor souls who ends up unpleasantly surprised when my time comes.

I know this is a lot, but if anyone can relate, or if anyone has some advice...I'd really appreciate it.

We all go through the same kind of emotions as you do. So make the most of this current period of isolation to dig into the Word of God even the hidden books of the Bible. Didn't it say in Daniel that the Book will be sealed until the time of the end? So now is the time when deeper hidden knowledge, revelations and insights will be poured out on us if only we seek it out ourselves and are willing to make that extra effort instead of being complacent, lazy or procrastinating.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

I'm still struggling with making God the center of my life. I pray about it all the time.



I know I can love God much more than I do now, and I want to. I want to know Him as my Father, as my everything. It feels really hard for me to do that sometimes. I have these beautiful quiet moments where I really feel Him, where I feel Christ's love in such a wonderful way, but it's usually a short time until I feel like God just...tolerates me. Or like I'm missing something that keeps me from the joy in faith that almost everyone else seems to have. If my progress is slow, that's okay--I know it's slow for a lot of people--but I can't shake the fear that I'm just fooling myself into thinking I'm a genuine follower.

My biggest worry is that, at the end of the day, I'm the thorny soil from the Parable of the Sower; that I'm too distracted, too anxious about other things to actually bear fruit. Again, I pray about this, but I worry I'm still doing something wrong or that I'm not doing enough for there to be any change. The problem is, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't think God is calling me to anything specific right now--at least nothing that would change this.

I worry that I'm sinning nearly every moment I'm not doing something faith-related. I worry that I don't obey out of love, only out of fear or some sense of obligation. I worry that I'm lukewarm and just don't care enough, or I'm not caring correctly, or or or or or.

I make no secret of the fact that I have really bad anxiety problems. And that may be a part of it. Family, friends, and church mentors tell me time and time again I worry too much about this sort of thing. But what if it's not my anxiety? I don't want to be one of those poor souls who ends up unpleasantly surprised when my time comes.

I know this is a lot, but if anyone can relate, or if anyone has some advice...I'd really appreciate it.

I think that all Christians struggle with that at least occasionally because, we are stuck in this flesh which often seems to go the other way.

Remember --- Repent
should have been our middle name.

MB

 

[Duke of Stratford]

Hello again, and thank you again for your kind words!

I've got a whole host of thoughts that make it hard for me to rest in that place of love and trust--I suppose that's something that I'll have to continue to work on through prayer. I get paranoid that I'll engage in easy-believeism if I relax too much, but I suppose that could be something else the enemy likes to take hold of. Feels like it's a balancing act between lukewarm and legalist sometimes. I guess I just need to focus on each individual day and not worry about getting everything right immediately. Progress is easier to see in hindsight, generally speaking.

It might help you to think about/obey commands like this one .. 2 Corinthians 13:5, and look for ways to assure yourself that you are, indeed, a Christian. If you'd like to talk about what kinds of things to look for to figure that out (to figure out whether you are/are not truly, born again), we can discuss that here. Just let me (us) know.

I really appreciate the offer here. I'm reading through 1 John (and listening to some teaching on it as I slave away at my desk), which is helping somewhat for checking those things. I know I don't do all of it perfectly, so I'm praying over the areas where I'm not doing so hot. I may have to decline your offer, though--not because I don't appreciate it or think it's important, but because that's the exact sort of thing my anxiety loves to latch onto. I have joined a group for Christians who struggle with anxiety disorders (and we all seem to have issues with assurance there!) to help out in that regard.

Thank you again for taking the time to reach out! It really means a lot!

 

[Tempura]

I guess I just need to focus on each individual day and not worry about getting everything right immediately. Progress is easier to see in hindsight, generally speaking.

Exactly what Christ told us to do. Each day has enough worry of its own, being anxious just simply doesn't help us. It doesn't help our tomorrows, and it robs us of our strength today.

Just today I caught myself in the same old habit, stressing over absolutely everything about myself and my faith. I should catch myself doing it every day, but there are days when anxiety just wins. I've noticed I've been saying the Lord's prayer every day now, it's a good way to shift our perspective from ourselves to God. In the same Chapter in Matthew 6, where Christ teaches us the prayer, He tells us not to worry so I can easily link these two things (Lord's prayer and not worrying) together. In the end of the chapter He tells us to seek HIS Kingdom and HIS righteousness, instead of our own. It all helps me to take my damn mind out of myself, which has always been the issue.

For people like me, and perhaps you if I understood you right, this "balancing act" can be a nightmare. Anxiety is a whirlpool of fear, confusion and uncertainty and everything about it feeds itself. Let's say for the sake of making a point, that today my faith is the strongest and best it's ever going to be in this life. Is it enough for my mind? It sure isn't. I could be at my peak "righteous", but I could be feeling like I'm the most lukewarm, awful and sinful Christian who ever lived, and perhaps not even a Christian at all. Where is the peace and joy I'm supposed to have? But then, let's pretend I'm actually at peace and somewhat joyful. I feel fine. Now my mind really has ammo. How dare I have peace! How dare I have joy! How dare I be so relaxed, better watch out or I'll become the worst backsliding bastard who ever lived.

That's how it goes. It's unrelenting, nothing is good enough, and bad isn't bad enough. Peace isn't an option, not worrying becomes almost blasphemy and joy is borderline sin. It's a game forever rigged against us. And it always pushes us into ourselves. Deep, deep inside ourselves, just mulling our insides. Constant, useless self-occupation. What am I going to find there? I'm a sinner, so there is nothing in there but dirt. I should already know, so many times I've gone to the end of myself where I realize that I can do nothing. What I'm looking for, what I need, is simply not there. I jump into myself, supposedly after righteousness, answers and peace, but what I get is fear and failure and nothing else.

-----------------

But we aren't given the spirit of fear, we should always remember this. When we obey our fear, which is ridiculously easy for anyone with anxiety and even more so with people who have more severe mental conditions and circumstances, everything is upside down. Everything is reversed, good becomes bad, Savior becomes a tormentor and the insanity in our minds can be something like this:

Christ didn't come for us, no, now we must go to get Christ! What, Christ suffered for our sin, what do I read? "God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them"? NOT GOOD ENOUGH, I need to finish the job. It's not His righteousness anymore, it's about ours! Joy, comfort and peace in Christ? How about no, let's take our sick self-imposed suffering and torture ourselves until we become holy enough. Surely this is God's way for His children! Someone might even be impressed with all this holiness going on. And if we delude ourselves long enough that this is the way to go, the bitterness disguised as holiness would be something to behold. Just wait until we see brothers and sisters who are seemingly happy with their lives, coming along with people. How dare they? Time to whip out the finger, point it at them and tell them how they're going to suffer eternal hellfire for being so much less holy than we are. And then we go inside, enjoy our tea (fish-flavored for maximum suffering) and enter our private torture chamber again where we have motivational posters such as "God hates you" and "Keep calm and suffer more, idiot" on the wall to keep us alert.

I might have exaggerated a bit for comedic effect, but at times I just want to laugh at this...insanity. Hope you laughed a bit too. But I'm so glad God has this. His plan, His Son, His righteousness, His salvation, His Spirit, His strength, His love, His purpose, His will. Not mine. And I can breathe.

Oh, and about the

not worry about getting everything right immediately. Progress is easier to see in hindsight, generally speaking.

thing, that I was supposed to answer earlier before I went off the rails like a madman, that's right. We often want to take our cross, and be at the finish line now. NOW. We want to skip the journey. That's one reason we can be so anxious and full of worry. We lack patience, we think we're in a hurry, and we want to outrun God's work in and through our lives. But He knows best.

Hope I didn't confuse you with this rambling, just wanted to share some more. God bless you, Christ and His peace with you.

 

[Duke of Stratford]

Exactly what Christ told us to do. Each day has enough worry of its own, being anxious just simply doesn't help us. It doesn't help our tomorrows, and it robs us of our strength today.

Just today I caught myself in the same old habit, stressing over absolutely everything about myself and my faith. I should catch myself doing it every day, but there are days when anxiety just wins. I've noticed I've been saying the Lord's prayer every day now, it's a good way to shift our perspective from ourselves to God. In the same Chapter in Matthew 6, where Christ teaches us the prayer, He tells us not to worry so I can easily link these two things (Lord's prayer and not worrying) together. In the end of the chapter He tells us to seek HIS Kingdom and HIS righteousness, instead of our own. It all helps me to take my damn mind out of myself, which has always been the issue.

For people like me, and perhaps you if I understood you right, this "balancing act" can be a nightmare. Anxiety is a whirlpool of fear, confusion and uncertainty and everything about it feeds itself. Let's say for the sake of making a point, that today my faith is the strongest and best it's ever going to be in this life. Is it enough for my mind? It sure isn't. I could be at my peak "righteous", but I could be feeling like I'm the most lukewarm, awful and sinful Christian who ever lived, and perhaps not even a Christian at all. Where is the peace and joy I'm supposed to have? But then, let's pretend I'm actually at peace and somewhat joyful. I feel fine. Now my mind really has ammo. How dare I have peace! How dare I have joy! How dare I be so relaxed, better watch out or I'll become the worst backsliding bastard who ever lived.

That's how it goes. It's unrelenting, nothing is good enough, and bad isn't bad enough. Peace isn't an option, not worrying becomes almost blasphemy and joy is borderline sin. It's a game forever rigged against us. And it always pushes us into ourselves. Deep, deep inside ourselves, just mulling our insides. Constant, useless self-occupation. What am I going to find there? I'm a sinner, so there is nothing in there but dirt. I should already know, so many times I've gone to the end of myself where I realize that I can do nothing. What I'm looking for, what I need, is simply not there. I jump into myself, supposedly after righteousness, answers and peace, but what I get is fear and failure and nothing else.

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But we aren't given the spirit of fear, we should always remember this. When we obey our fear, which is ridiculously easy for anyone with anxiety and even more so with people who have more severe mental conditions and circumstances, everything is upside down. Everything is reversed, good becomes bad, Savior becomes a tormentor and the insanity in our minds can be something like this:

Christ didn't come for us, no, now we must go to get Christ! What, Christ suffered for our sin, what do I read? "God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them"? NOT GOOD ENOUGH, I need to finish the job. It's not His righteousness anymore, it's about ours! Joy, comfort and peace in Christ? How about no, let's take our sick self-imposed suffering and torture ourselves until we become holy enough. Surely this is God's way for His children! Someone might even be impressed with all this holiness going on. And if we delude ourselves long enough that this is the way to go, the bitterness disguised as holiness would be something to behold. Just wait until we see brothers and sisters who are seemingly happy with their lives, coming along with people. How dare they? Time to whip out the finger, point it at them and tell them how they're going to suffer eternal hellfire for being so much less holy than we are. And then we go inside, enjoy our tea (fish-flavored for maximum suffering) and enter our private torture chamber again where we have motivational posters such as "God hates you" and "Keep calm and suffer more, idiot" on the wall to keep us alert.

I might have exaggerated a bit for comedic effect, but at times I just want to laugh at this...insanity. Hope you laughed a bit too. But I'm so glad God has this. His plan, His Son, His righteousness, His salvation, His Spirit, His strength, His love, His purpose, His will. Not mine. And I can breathe.

Oh, and about the

thing, that I was supposed to answer earlier before I went off the rails like a madman, that's right. We often want to take our cross, and be at the finish line now. NOW. We want to skip the journey. That's one reason we can be so anxious and full of worry. We lack patience, we think we're in a hurry, and we want to outrun God's work in and through our lives. But He knows best.

Hope I didn't confuse you with this rambling, just wanted to share some more. God bless you, Christ and His peace with you.

Again, you hit the nail on the head. I honestly could have written the first half of this myself. Thank you for being so understanding--a lot of the time, people will be sympathetic to the anxiety struggle without really understanding what it looks like. It's this constant back-and-forth between extremes, and nothing is ever good enough. You're lukewarm or a legalist, no in-between. It's really hard to rest in Christ when things are like that (especially when anxiety will make you question if you've even received Him at all). But I'll keep trying.

Thank you. <3