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Featured Advice Please

Discussion in 'Requests for Christian Advice' started by Gentle Lamb, Apr 4, 2021.

  1. Gentle Lamb

    Gentle Lamb "Let there be sheep!"

    +472
    Christian
    Single
    I feel terrible. In spite of having a genetic illness, passed down to me from my parents, they have shown me little compassion and care (I'm the youngest of 3, not so young anymore, I'm in my 30s now). They've threatened to kick me out and have wanted me to contribute financially since I was in college, not even working, just trying to get my education (which was a priority for them) and manage life with the little health I had. They would take money that school would refund me from financial aid to pay the bills though they didn't really give me pocket money. When I graduated high school, they took all the money people gave me as gifts and said that it was a gift to God and used it to pay their church mortgage. I know their financial situation has been tough, but they also made some poor decisions. They resented having us, blaming us for their financial problems because they never finished school before having kids. They have their charity work that they do in their home country and they collect money from people to help their charity back home. They talk about how much they help people and glory in the fact that they are helping better people's lives. Meanwhile I am here living with them, not benefitting from having them as my parents, though they do provide a roof over my head (I contribute financially as well). Sometimes I feel guilty and feel that I should contribute more to the finances of the house but then I see the poor financial decisions they make, such as spending money on what is not necessary, while bills need to be paid and necessities wait. I've never been able to accept the gospel from them, in spite of the fact that they are church leaders. I've been thinking of relocating recently, however, it would be hard for me to live on my own. I have not discussed this with them as they lash out at me and verbally abuse me when I need anything from them, so I have learned not to depend on them unless absolutely unavoidably necessary. The tentative plan is to relocate with my sister. I just think it's so ironic that while they are bragging about helping others they're not even helping me, in spite of the fact of my illness. My mom has verbally abused me during hospital stays to the point where I have gone to the emergency room and kept it secret from her. Thank God my health has improved over the years and my quality of life has improved with many interventions. God has been faithful. It's just an awful situation. I don't currently contribute to their charity as my conscience won't allow me to support it, knowing that they treat us like so much garbage. In response my parents verbally abuse me, call me selfish, and constantly want me to give money. I'm wondering if my sister and I would do best relocating to a different city to escape their control and abuse (we do have bigger dreams for ourselves), or should I try to live on my own and what support systems might be available if I take the big step of moving to a city where I don't know anyone, or is it more advisable to stay local around people I already know. I'm sure I'm not wrong for not wanting to contribute to their charity when they have taken advantage of me financially in my earlier stages of life, as well as being abusive, right? Financially am I wrong for not giving them more money? As they're getting older, though my mom still works for now, I'd like to take over their finances though I'm not quite there yet, but hope to be very soon. How does this sound? Any advice would be appreciated please.
     
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  2. bèlla

    bèlla ⭐️ Supporter

    +12,672
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    I’m sorry you’re having a hard time but happy to hear you’ve pushed through the difficulties in spite of your circumstances.

    I think a local move would be best. You’ll get acclimated to being on your own and have a support network to turn to. When you’re settled and ready to spread your wings the Lord will lead you.

    The space may improve relations with your parents and your peace of mind. Remain in prayer as you discern and ask others to do the same on your behalf.

    God bless and keep you.

    Yours in His Service,

    ~bella
     
  3. Daniel Marsh

    Daniel Marsh Well-Known Member

    +2,051
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    I hope they are not church leaders of any kind. Check into a woman's abuse shelter anywhere.
     
  4. GirdYourLoins

    GirdYourLoins Well-Known Member

    +811
    United Kingdom
    Pentecostal
    Married
    Ive got to say this sounds like an abusive relationship so getting out sounds like the best thing for me. id say stay local as well so you have people around you already know. I am a little concerned about how you finish though, you want to take over their finances. Sounds to me like you want to pay them back for what they have done to you. I would say you would do better walking away and cutting all financial ties with them. Any relationship you then have with them would depend on how they respond to that.
     
  5. Gentle Lamb

    Gentle Lamb "Let there be sheep!"

    +472
    Christian
    Single
    You are right, it is abusive, very abusive. Maybe cutting off financial support is a better option, I just want to honor them as my parents and I know they need the money, plus they are getting old, my mom should retire soon. So I don't want to leave them hanging. The word of God says that I should love my enemies, which is what helped me learn to love them, and supporting them financially is a way I can show love and not continue the patterns of abuse.... Or do I have the wrong mentality?
     
  6. Gentle Lamb

    Gentle Lamb "Let there be sheep!"

    +472
    Christian
    Single
    It's not severe enough to check into a shelter but if it were that's an option I would surely consider. They're definitely church leaders, not good examples of what it means to be one though.
     
  7. Gentle Lamb

    Gentle Lamb "Let there be sheep!"

    +472
    Christian
    Single
    Thank you Bella. I've lived apart from them before and I will never trust them again because they made themselves so friendly while I was away and turned into my worst enemies when I came back home. I think separation is good and necessary on every level.
     
  8. bèlla

    bèlla ⭐️ Supporter

    +12,672
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    You’re welcome. :)

    If you have ties locally stay put. Moving out of state with health challenges isn’t easy. You’d have your sister of course. But developing ties beforehand would be better.

    In the meantime, do something nourishing for your spirit. You’ve been through a lot. I’m watching War Room tomorrow. Maybe you can do the same.

    ~bella
     
  9. coffee4u

    coffee4u Well-Known Member

    +1,759
    Australia
    Christian
    Married
    Move out.
     
  10. Tolworth John

    Tolworth John Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,474
    United Kingdom
    Non-Denom
    Married
    If you are going to move out, make that move radical, not to somewhere in your town but move so you have at least a state between them and you.
    But also research it. Is there a good supportive church where you are going to, can you get a decent job, somewhere to live within walking distance of shops, is it on a bus route etc etc.

    While researching this are you able to save money to finance the move?

    Honouring one's parents. The Bible makes it clear that honour is a two way process, parents are to be respected for their wisdom, love and care of you, if they haven't shown that it is very difficult to respect/honour them.
    Just as forgiveness is dependent on the offender repenting, no saying sorry no forgiveness so honouring one's parents depends on them being honourable.
    To be extreme would you honour them if they were thrives and expected you also to be a theft?

    Move away and maintain minimal contact, a once a week phone call.
     
  11. GirdYourLoins

    GirdYourLoins Well-Known Member

    +811
    United Kingdom
    Pentecostal
    Married
    Its such a subjective area that it really comes down to personal choice. I was raised by a verbally abusive and violent father who died before I became a Christian (at the time I said it was the best thing to ever happen to me) so may have a biased opinion, I have struggled with the commandment to honour your mother and father.

    I would say cutting all financial ties would be my advice. This would mean any relationship you have with them would be based on social interaction with no finances involved. It would not mean you cant offer to help them out in the future if they need it and doesnt stop you changing your mind and offering financial help in the future. What I do think this would show is how much they value you rather than your money. If they show spite and resentment for you moving out and taking away money from them you would be in a far easier position to cut all ties and move away if you chose/need to do so.
     
  12. Gentle Lamb

    Gentle Lamb "Let there be sheep!"

    +472
    Christian
    Single
    This is wise advice. I am happy that your story has been turning out well. I see that God has blessed you, given you the gift of faith, and delivered you from serious oppression from your unfortunately unkind father. You are right, I can always offer them financial help in the future if I feel so led to do when I am better able to offer that help financially. Right now, the best thing for me to do would be to save everything I can, but because the finances are so hard and they've been demanding money for so long, I just do what I can and feel guilty that I can't contribute more... meanwhile they are sending money overseas while we are struggling here. I guess I shouldn't feel guilty, it's just hard being in this environment and constantly dealing with this issue. Thank you.
     
  13. Gentle Lamb

    Gentle Lamb "Let there be sheep!"

    +472
    Christian
    Single
    Bella, thank you. Sometimes I go through things and don't even realize I'm going through something. I appreciate your kind words. <3
     
  14. Gentle Lamb

    Gentle Lamb "Let there be sheep!"

    +472
    Christian
    Single
    Thank you for breaking things down for me this way. At my church (which is of another culture, not American), they always place the burden of responsibility back on the children and just say honor your parents, love your parents, and emphasize making the relationship with my parents work. But I am their child, not the parent, and there is only so much I can do. As their child, I do the best that I can. As parents, they have failed in their duties towards me and biblically, according to the verse in the bible that says if any provide not for his own, he should be counted as an infidel, then they can be counted as infidels. I am really struggling and there are things they could do to help me and make my life easier if they cared about me enough to do it. They don't and my life is all the more difficult because of it. And because they bully me and goad me and prey upon my weaknesses I'm too fearful of their response to approach them to ask them to do anything else that could possibly make the burden lighter for me. It's a shame.

    I have a sister who lives across the country and she's urging me to join her in her city, where the cost of living is much lower and I'd be able to live on my own but still have her near. I'm strongly considering this option and praying about it, especially because the sister I'd be living with if we move close by (about 30 miles away) is not a Christian and I don't want to live in an environment with someone who is openly hostile to the gospel. I know my parents are very controlling and I think it's best to put more distance between us, as you said Tolworth... I'm strongly considering this option. Thank you for your input, as always. God bless you.
     
  15. Gentle Lamb

    Gentle Lamb "Let there be sheep!"

    +472
    Christian
    Single
    I am trying. Having a disability, it's not as easy as it sounds. The past few years have been about getting my health stable and it's been a real battle. I've been too close to death too many times to the point where I don't even care whether I live or die, at least I thank God for salvation and I know if I die, I'm going home to my Maker, and I can't beat that. But I'm still alive and trying to do the best that I can.
     
  16. coffee4u

    coffee4u Well-Known Member

    +1,759
    Australia
    Christian
    Married
    I am very sorry to hear that and how given that, how your parents are treating you. Unfortunately toxic people including parents do not normally change. I hope you get well.
     
  17. HopeandMoreHope

    HopeandMoreHope New Member

    12
    +6
    United States
    Christian
    Divorced
     
  18. HopeandMoreHope

    HopeandMoreHope New Member

    12
    +6
    United States
    Christian
    Divorced
    So sorry for your pain and challenges. I am hearing that this is very very hard, but at the same time, you would like to salvage some part of your relationship with your parents. It is clear you do love them. Moving out sounds healthy, despite the family dynamics. It is time for you to be independent and to make your own decisions. Even if some of those decisions are not ideal, they are your choices and you will grow from the consequences, no matter what. You need healthy boundaries with your parents and some distance will allow for that. On your own, you can see with clearer eyes what you want in your life. You can develop spiritually, emotionally and be responsible for your physical well-being. It can be a very good thing! While it is somewhat scary, any change is! But you will find your way. You might also want to consider counseling throughout this process. Having a safe person to vent to can be soooo good, especially when you are dealing with major life changes. Your parents may have also made some decisions that seem very hurtful to you but there may be reasons you may not understand. I am not suggesting that they are "right" but their decisions may not have been MEANT to harm you in spite of the fact that some of them did. As Christians we are called to forgive, but that does not mean that you need to go back to the way things were. Be strong! Make the move! But share with them that you understand you are an adult and need to be independent rather than moving out because you can't bear living with them. How you present it will make a big difference in your future relationship with them. Lean on trusted family and friends when you can but definitely consider counseling as well. The more support you have, the more empowered you will feel. May God bless you and keep you. He will not let you go.
     
  19. Gentle Lamb

    Gentle Lamb "Let there be sheep!"

    +472
    Christian
    Single
    You're right and it's unfortunate. They've made some tiny, incremental positive changes over the years, which is good. But it's not enough unfortunately. Thank God my health has been improving, no hospital stays in almost 2 years, God is good, thank you :)
     
  20. Gentle Lamb

    Gentle Lamb "Let there be sheep!"

    +472
    Christian
    Single
    Thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it!! I am using some books to help with the therapy process (bibliotherapy) and it's helping me. There are so many issues I need to address in my life. I trust that God will help me as I pray and seek to get better from these issues and that He will show me what to do in terms of the move. I definitely agree with you that I need healthy boundaries and I hope a fresh perspective being in a new place without them will help me a lot. Thank you for the encouragement, I take it to heart! God bless you too!
     
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