Advice needed, turning around

[Rosesandthorns]

Man I'm glad you posted, it frightens me people can be in the same state and not ever know what's going on.
*staff edit*

It's 8am here and I am still awake. I pray the Lord speaks to us both. I cannot hear his voice easily (again, I feel the holy spirit has left) but I'm praying so much that after London I can get rid of these demonic horrible evil spirits!

 

[Rosesandthorns]

Pray the attacks don't get worse for me sharing this information. Thank you Jesus. In Jesus Name Amen

 

[Invalidusername]

I would feel annoyed when people would comfort me because I thought they didn't understand how lucky they were. I am only sharing my experience in hope that it will make you also see that even in that state there is hope. When the HS leaves Demons, spirits whatever you want to call it INSTANTLY come in. They can take the form of emotionalness, catatonic.. all kinds of things.

That's demonic, that is what these demons are. I can't put you into my body or me into yours but I wish I could so you could see I am a walking tomb, I can type, see what I type but I don't feel it. I don't feel fear either infact only "knowing" something is bad.. I don't feel convicted of sin or bad for my sin my heart doesn't feel love (believe if or not my boyfriend cannot tell) this is not a result of God being done with you.. if I'm talking to you I'm talking to me. I don't feel a thing but the only reason I'm able to rationalize is knowing that demons do not allow us to experience the Holy Spirit. If you open the doors they BLOCK IT. Do you see?

I have tried to commit suicide multiple times and not felt any fear of doing it. I was thinking all kinds of things like maybe I'll be saved after death ect. When I went to London for the deliverence service it wasn't fully gone but I felt something leave me... and I felt the start of the Holy Spirit come back (after 2 years of sheer agony of non existent torture of feeling like I wasn't even alive) so it is possible... if you are alive and breathing no matter how you feel. The demons want you to feel so numb you can't even comprehend that you could have them delivered. They are clever.

That is in essence what I spoke about in my last post.

I see what you mean. I still don't think deliverance will save me. If the Holy Spirit leaves, it's all over. Hebrews 6:4-6 exists for a reason.

I am mentally dull and numb constantly. I feel as if I am constantly drifting in and out of awareness. It's very brief but I always feel unattached to reality. An angel could physically manifest and tell me that I'm going to rot in hell for eternity and I would feel absolutely nothing. My family could drop dead and I would feel nothing. I'm glad we can relate to each other.

And yes I was unaware of this state for many years. It wasn't until I tried to repent that I realized the state I was in.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

Then, my Brother to the exact word you said we are in exactly the same position. I was and still am convinced it was blasphemy continually rejecting the HS that quenched it with me. I wouldn't say comforting is the word to describe hearing another person describe how I am feeling but we are both here still alive talking.

KJV is what you are referencing I'm guessing, I have switched to the Youngs Literal.

After hours and hours of endless searches through YouTube, Google, Christian blogs anything I could get my hands on I realized that the Bible we know and the Bible that the Greeks translated are two different texts. Same Bible, Same word of God but tweaked wording. There are videos on YouTube showing this how they turned "forever" and "eternal" in Greek which is aionos which means "till an age" or "of the age" basically an age. Even the unpardonable sin is not eternal. "In this AGE.. or AGE.. to come." This is still scripture it's just how it is interpreted. I spent so long studying the lake of fire too. I have come to so much more peace with the idea of death after finding out that really God is not going to fail in his plan that he wishes no one should perish but all will be reconciled to Christ Jesus.

Hell is real I'm not disregarding that btw, it's just 100% not what we have been taught.

 

[Invalidusername]

Then, my Brother to the exact word you said we are in exactly the same position. I was and still am convinced it was blasphemy continually rejecting the HS that quenched it with me. I wouldn't say comforting is the word to describe hearing another person describe how I am feeling but we are both here still alive talking.

KJV is what you are referencing I'm guessing, I have switched to the Youngs Literal.

After hours and hours of endless searches through YouTube, Google, Christian blogs anything I could get my hands on I realized that the Bible we know and the Bible that the Greeks translated are two different texts. Same Bible, Same word of God but tweaked wording. There are videos on YouTube showing this how they turned "forever" and "eternal" in Greek which is aionos which means "till an age" or "of the age" basically an age. Even the unpardonable sin is not eternal. "In this AGE.. or AGE.. to come." This is still scripture it's just how it is interpreted. I spent so long studying the lake of fire too. I have come to so much more peace with the idea of death after finding out that really God is not going to fail in his plan that he wishes no one should perish but all will be reconciled to Christ Jesus.

Hell is real I'm not disregarding that btw, it's just 100% not what we have been taught.

That is wishful thinking, however hell is indeed eternal and there is no escape.

There is a chance that we have not blasphemed the Holy Spirit so we shouldn't jump to that conclusion. I am however not denying that possibility.

I often wish I was never born.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

Also just to mention when I went for deliverence in London I was convinced even though I was there it wouldn't work. I can't even explain how hardened I was like I felt like I wasnt even physically there, like I couldn't feel my own body just painful numbness. I thought that God wouldn't allow me to be delivered.

Then I realized after I had the deliverence that my mind was so demonized it had made me believe God would want me to be in that state. As you probably think God has cut you off. I caused the demons. I made the Holy Spirit leave. The demons just fed off of it. Was I just falsely decieving myself into believing I was being delivered? Maybe. Did it kill me to try it? No... did I feel something small afterwards? Yeah, a conviction.. a small emotion. Was it a deception was I saved? Who knows. Now I'm questioning it. I just know that no matter how bad you feel or are incapable of feelings God is not a tormenting God a punishing God.

 

[Invalidusername]

Also just to mention when I went for deliverence in London I was convinced even though I was there it wouldn't work. I can't even explain how hardened I was like I felt like I wasnt even physically there, like I couldn't feel my own body just painful numbness. I thought that God wouldn't allow me to be delivered.

Then I realized after I had the deliverence that my mind was so demonized it had made me believe God would want me to be in that state. As you probably think God has cut you off. I caused the demons. I made the Holy Spirit leave. The demons just fed off of it. Was I just falsely decieving myself into believing I was being delivered? Maybe. Did it kill me to try it? No... did I feel something small afterwards? Yeah, a conviction.. a small emotion. Was it a deception was I saved? Who knows. Now I'm questioning it. I just know that no matter how bad you feel or are incapable of feelings God is not a tormenting God a punishing God.

All what I know is I refuse to give up seeking after God so I suggest you to continue and not give up seeking. First thing is to drop the boyfriend. I gave up my besetting sins that I wallowed in for years so you can too.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

All what I know is I refuse to give up seeking after God so I suggest you to continue and not give up seeking. First thing is to drop the boyfriend. I gave up my besetting sins that I wallowed in for years so you can too.

Amen. Thank you Brother.

 

[jamesbond007]

We are all creatures of habit -- good and bad. I suppose it means God is a supreme being of habit. Satan tempts us, but God warns us. Those are polar opposites. He gives us warning signs, so one has to pick up on them. It could be the bad feelings you get after doing some of your bad habits. I'm not sure what gets you off track since I've gone past that stage you're in long time ago. Maybe the Holy Spirit can help you in this regard.

It seems to me that your habit whether it is sex, drugs or something else you are missing or a combination of them is causing your emotions to go off-track. If it was me, I would've have changed or have tried to change my ways after the healing you experienced. I've never experienced anything like what you described. It sounded amazing.

The other thing you can do is pray specifically to be rid of the habits that causes your emotions to go off-track. You will have to be honest with yourself and tell God what things are happening and what you think and feel are your bad habits. I will pray that you will receive an answer and be able to get past your demons.

While you're not a Kevin, it could still apply. Best.

 

[Strong in Him]

I don't feel saved even now so I can't trade him. The whole point of this post is I am trying to crawl back to him..

I agree with another poster.
The thing that struck me as I was reading your OP was your saying "I don't feel the Holy Spirit." No doubt God can bless us in many tangible ways and we can have the joy, and comfort, of feeling his presence, and Spirit, near us. But our faith doesn't depend on feelings - the NT says that we walk by faith, not by sight, 2 Corinthians 5:7. I'm sure that deliberately continuing in sin has grieved the Holy Spirit, but even now, I feel sure that he is prompting you to repent and turn back to God - hence your words "I am trying to crawl back to him." If your heart were completely hardened, you wouldn't care. Of course you can't feel the Spirit at the moment - a) because you are, or have been, involved in sin and b) because I think the devil wants you to keep focusing on your lack of feelings instead of trusting God. If he can convince you that because you FEEL unsaved so therefore you must be unsaved, job done. You won't read Scripture, pray, talk to God or other Christians because you FEEL unsaved, and will come to believe that there is no point.
Look at what God's done for you in the past. You said that you spent 2 years living in fear and dread, knowing that you'd lost the Holy Spirit and that you'd probably blasphemed - then God delivered you.
You've said that you've tried committing suicide several times, and failed - so you're still here, expressing a desire to find God again.

My advice, fwiw - repent, ask to be delivered, shun sin, commit yourself to God and start to read his word regularly. Jesus said "heaven and earth will pass away by my words will never pass away." Matthew 24:35. Elsewhere he said that if we build on the right foundation - Jesus and his words - we will be like a house that is built on rock and cannot fall when storms come, Matthew 7:24-27.
The only sure thing is Jesus, his words, life, example; NOT feelings. If you FEEL God's presence after you have done all this; wonderful. But don't trust in it, or those feelings. You know God is real and can deliver you; you have seen, and experienced, his deliverance and presence. So tell him that you want to return to him, then confess your sins, trusting in 1 John 1:9. Rejoice in his forgiveness; play Christian music loudly to encourage you about what he has done, and to drown out the voices that say "you need to feel something."
If you believe that moving away to another part of the country will help you to resist sin and temptation, then I would say; do it - if it is possible. BUT, if you have not repented, asked for help, committed yourself to God and determined to read his word and trust him, there's probably little point. Because wherever you go, you will still have the belief that you need to FEEL God in order to be saved, and without the strength and foundation of God's word in your life, you will be more open to, and easily swayed by, sin. The devil wants you to be that way; he doesn't want you to return to God.

My story is very different to yours, yet I spent many years with fair weather faith - if the sun was shining, I was doing well at school, I was healthy and people were being nice and encouraging, I believed this was proof that God loved me; I felt happy and that God was happy with me. But if the weather was awful, I failed an exam or couldn't do my homework, if I struggled with my health or felt sad of lonely, that, to me, was proof that God didn't love me, that I wasn't saved or his child.
That was utter nonsense.
The cross proves how much God loves us, not circumstances or feelings. While we were sinners, far away from him and unworthy of him, he gave his Son for us, Romans 5:8, 1 John 3:16. Instead of killing us, turning his back on us or saying "I won't love you because you haven't done .....", God reached down to us, took our sin upon himself and made it possible for us to become his children, John 1:12, Romans 8:16, heirs with Christ, Romans 8:17 and possessing every spiritual blessing, Ephesians 1:3.

You have these things because HE has done it for you and given them to you. If you repent, accept and believe; they are yours whatever your feelings try to tell you.

You're even trying to encourage another Christian in the faith - you're not past redemption.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

I agree with another poster.
The thing that struck me as I was reading your OP was your saying "I don't feel the Holy Spirit." No doubt God can bless us in many tangible ways and we can have the joy, and comfort, of feeling his presence, and Spirit, near us. But our faith doesn't depend on feelings - the NT says that we walk by faith, not by sight, 2 Corinthians 5:7. I'm sure that deliberately continuing in sin has grieved the Holy Spirit, but even now, I feel sure that he is prompting you to repent and turn back to God - hence your words "I am trying to crawl back to him." If your heart were completely hardened, you wouldn't care. Of course you can't feel the Spirit at the moment - a) because you are, or have been, involved in sin and b) because I think the devil wants you to keep focusing on your lack of feelings instead of trusting God. If he can convince you that because you FEEL unsaved so therefore you must be unsaved, job done. You won't read Scripture, pray, talk to God or other Christians because you FEEL unsaved, and will come to believe that there is no point.
Look at what God's done for you in the past. You said that you spent 2 years living in fear and dread, knowing that you'd lost the Holy Spirit and that you'd probably blasphemed - then God delivered you.
You've said that you've tried committing suicide several times, and failed - so you're still here, expressing a desire to find God again.

My advice, fwiw - repent, ask to be delivered, shun sin, commit yourself to God and start to read his word regularly. Jesus said "heaven and earth will pass away by my words will never pass away." Matthew 24:35. Elsewhere he said that if we build on the right foundation - Jesus and his words - we will be like a house that is built on rock and cannot fall when storms come, Matthew 7:24-27.
The only sure thing is Jesus, his words, life, example; NOT feelings. If you FEEL God's presence after you have done all this; wonderful. But don't trust in it, or those feelings. You know God is real and can deliver you; you have seen, and experienced, his deliverance and presence. So tell him that you want to return to him, then confess your sins, trusting in 1 John 1:9. Rejoice in his forgiveness; play Christian music loudly to encourage you about what he has done, and to drown out the voices that say "you need to feel something."
If you believe that moving away to another part of the country will help you to resist sin and temptation, then I would say; do it - if it is possible. BUT, if you have not repented, asked for help, committed yourself to God and determined to read his word and trust him, there's probably little point. Because wherever you go, you will still have the belief that you need to FEEL God in order to be saved, and without the strength and foundation of God's word in your life, you will be more open to, and easily swayed by, sin. The devil wants you to be that way; he doesn't want you to return to God.

My story is very different to yours, yet I spent many years with fair weather faith - if the sun was shining, I was doing well at school, I was healthy and people were being nice and encouraging, I believed this was proof that God loved me; I felt happy and that God was happy with me. But if the weather was awful, I failed an exam or couldn't do my homework, if I struggled with my health or felt sad of lonely, that, to me, was proof that God didn't love me, that I wasn't saved or his child.
That was utter nonsense.
The cross proves how much God loves us, not circumstances or feelings. While we were sinners, far away from him and unworthy of him, he gave his Son for us, Romans 5:8, 1 John 3:16. Instead of killing us, turning his back on us or saying "I won't love you because you haven't done .....", God reached down to us, took our sin upon himself and made it possible for us to become his children, John 1:12, Romans 8:16, heirs with Christ, Romans 8:17 and possessing every spiritual blessing, Ephesians 1:3.

You have these things because HE has done it for you and given them to you. If you repent, accept and believe; they are yours whatever your feelings try to tell you.

You're even trying to encourage another Christian in the faith - you're not past redemption.

Thank you for your encouragement. I am enrolling myself in a biblical women's school once I've recieved my deliverence as I feel I need to move away from the environment I am in, it keeps me going into sin.

I do feel at this point in time that in order to keep my salvation and redemption I will need to move away to somewhere that I can grow. I had a message from a friend who is a Christian who said the same thing. The signs keep pointing there.

"you believe that moving away to another part of the country will help you to resist sin and temptation, then I would say; do it - if it is possible. BUT, if you have not repented, asked for help, committed yourself to God and determined to read his word and trust him, there's probably little point. Because wherever you go, you will still have the belief that you need to FEEL God in order to be saved, and without the strength and foundation of God's word in your life, you will be more open to, and easily swayed by, sin. The devil wants you to be that way; he doesn't want you to return to God."

I believe this repentence true genuine lasting repentence can only happen away somewhere I can be with other believers and out of this comfort zone, that's the beggining. I had it before when I was in London I just need to start the process I know the Devil wants me to beliebe I have no hope. I know my heart is hardened but I am still clinging on to that hope. Even the hardest of hearts that have no desire for God must have hope somewhere deep down.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

When I think about the most hopeless of the hopless like Judas or the pharasees I just wish there was a way to bring them to the hope of the Lord even in the darkest of their suffering.

I don't always have this outlook of hope, often it's desolate sometimes I spend hours pondering if it's worth living but there's a small voice instead of me saying try again

 

[Strong in Him]

Thank you for your encouragement. I am enrolling myself in a biblical women's school once I've recieved my deliverence as I feel I need to move away from the environment I am in, it keeps me going into sin.

I do feel at this point in time that in order to keep my salvation and redemption I will need to move away to somewhere that I can grow. I had a message from a friend who is a Christian who said the same thing. The signs keep pointing there.

That's great news - I pray that you will be able to go, and learn, and grow in, your faith.

"you believe that moving away to another part of the country will help you to resist sin and temptation, then I would say; do it - if it is possible. BUT, if you have not repented, asked for help, committed yourself to God and determined to read his word and trust him, there's probably little point. Because wherever you go, you will still have the belief that you need to FEEL God in order to be saved, and without the strength and foundation of God's word in your life, you will be more open to, and easily swayed by, sin. The devil wants you to be that way; he doesn't want you to return to God."

I believe this repentence true genuine lasting repentence can only happen away somewhere I can be with other believers and out of this comfort zone, that's the beggining.

Like I said; great.
I said that only because I was a little worried about your words about FEELING saved. If that is your belief, that salvation is dependent on feelings, then any time you feel lonely, stressed or depressed, you may doubt that you are saved - or sin again, because you feel you are beyond redemption and it doesn't matter.

I know my heart is hardened but I am still clinging on to that hope.

I don't believe your heart is hardened.
a) you are on a Christian forum and have written a post about wanting to return to God
b) you are willing to move to a different part of the country and start a new life at a Christian Bible college, in order to make a break with the sin and temptation of your past.
c) you have been encouraging another Christian not to give up hope, and that God can save them.

Someone whose heart was hardened before God would not be seeking repentance and looking to make a new start with him.

 

[Strong in Him]

I don't always have this outlook of hope, often it's desolate sometimes I spend hours pondering if it's worth living but there's a small voice instead of me saying try again

I believe that small voice is the Holy Spirit prompting you not to give up and leading you to Jesus, so that you can repent and be forgiven.
Like I said, your suicide attempts failed; you're still alive, want to meet with God again and have planned to go to a Bible college so you can learn more about your faith. That's happened for a reason.

 

[Neostarwcc]

Two weekends ago I took a trip to London, completely last minute on the train unprepared and travelled alone 8 hours from my home in Wales.

The night before this happened I had lost my faith.

I was with my boyfriend we had been having sex and I had been drinking alcohol heavily for nights. I was feeling close to death, spiritually and physically. I didn't feel the Holy Spirit anymore I felt weak, my health declining and that my spiritual body was so damaged from all of the sin that I thought "Ok, this is the end. If I die, I die."

12am, just as I was about to go to bed my phone rings just before we headed upstairs - a Christian friend said he knew what was happening and said I needed to repent, how he knew I don't know..

I ran into the bathroom "How!?" He said the Holy Spirit told him to contact me.

I was so hardened I thought there is no way I could turn back.

Saturday Morning - I headed over on the train. The whole journey I was so out of my comfort zone not to mention I had no clue where in London I was going!

My heart was hardened towards Jesus. I couldn't feel the Holy Spirit. I felt suicidal and void of human emotion all I could feel was fear, anger and rage. I had constant eye pain a strange feeling of pride. I could feel the demonic presences entangled into my being I was very aware of what was happening. This was my whole body demonically entangled from the sex, drugs, sin and loss of the Holy Spirit.

Saturday Arrival - When I got there I fasted for two days I didn't eat or drink a single thing. The night before Sunday I tried to sleep but I could not sleep an inch I was attacked all night.

Sunday Morning - We headed to two services. The first service I went to was a small evangelical church where there was a lot of singing and worship the Lady was prophesying, she was very annointed as she began to talk it was as if she was speaking to me out of all the crowd, she saw what was happening inside of me and called me up. She prayed over me and I fell to the floor shaking I felt the fire of the Holy spirit move through her as she prayed and I could feel things leave me. She placed a blanket over me and I couldn't move on the floor for a good 10 minutes. I knew there were still things inside of me though and it wasn't finished. I hugged her so hard when I left and she exchanged phone numbers with me. Second service - The second service was a very large congregation in London, called winners church. We tried to make it on time to the service but we missed it - travelling so far we were so dissapointed but luckily my friend knew the pastor who favoured him so highly that he agreed to meet with me in his office.. this gentleman was a face I'll never forget as he got up from his desk, I could see the Holy Spirit in his eyes and the love of Jesus as he annointed my head with oil and commanded whatever was left to leave he told me to read the book of JOB after I had left. His eyes were piercing and the image stayed with me all the way back to my friends house. We got back to my friends house, I felt a slow shift taking place inside of me.

We arrived back at my friends house, I showered and got a clean change of clothes. I sat down and began to write with my pen -- I could feel the essence of life slowly coming into me telling me information and it made sense. The feeling stayed with me, I headed for the train thinking about what was happening.

On the train home I planned to meet my boyfriend when I got off the train. I was staying at his house. I told him I didn't wanna go back to having sex and I wanted to abstain, he respected my desicion and I told him I needed to keep to this cleaner way of living. We ordered Chinese food and watched movies and we didn't have sex.

The week went on and I felt less of the Holy Spirit and felt I was leaving doors open "Shall we go out?" my friend said. I said ok as long as I don't drink. I ended up drinking, having sex and being tormented even worse.

Shortly, if not days after I felt the holy spirit eave. I was back in square one and even worse than before. I couldn't sustain the deliverence.

I am thinking I may need to leave the area in which I'm living in, in order to change my path.. if there's still hope left, I want to repent of my sin but I need to be in a place where I cannot repeat habbits? Leave my area completely move somewhere I can keep my deliverence.

I spoke to my boyfriend and he wants to move to Leeds I just need to figure out a ministry down in Leeds, I know of one called Mercy UK which is a biblical school which is what I was going to do this year which is in Yorkshire. He supports my Christian beliefs and said if we get married he will get baptized.

I have a ticket that's valid for a whole month to go back down to London. Maybe break things off with my boyfriend for now, fast, repent and get deliverence this time..

Any advice appriciated please no judgemental or mean comments as I'm feeling fear as it is. Thank you.

First of all of like to say that most of the time you cannot "feel" the Holy Spirit since the Holy Spirit lives inside of your spirit not inside of your body. Second of all if you have the Holy Spirit God's word says that it will never leave you (John 14:16).


Also? I would stop going to that church in London. When the Holy Spirit enters you for the first time you don't twitch and convulse and can't move for ten minutes that isn't the Holy Spirit entering you that's a demon. I'm sort of the expert on what it feels like when the Holy Spirit enter you because I saw it happen to me. I saw the Silhouette of Christ and the Holy Spirit and I saw my entire born again experience. When the Holy Spirit enters you it feels like you are being washed and you feel your sins be washed away. Obviously not every Christian is as lucky as I was and I don't know what it feels like to a so called "normal" Christian but apparently from what my wife told me it feels kind of hot. I think my experience felt kind of hot as well although I don't remember forgive me it happened almost 8 years ago.

The way Christianity works is you either have the Holy Spirit or you don't. And since you left the faith it sounds like you don't. Because scripture says that a true believer would never and could never leave the faith (1 John 2:19, Hebrews 6:4-6). People who have the Holy Spirit just cannot leave the faith because the Holy Spirit works to keep them in the faith. We could not even abandon the faith even if we wanted to. In times of temptation we endure. I do agree with you that you need to get the Holy Spirit. However, only Christ can give the Holy Spirit. And that is done through faith and repentance. I'm not saying you need to break up with your boyfriend but I am saying you need to stop having sex with him. One of the biggest regrets I have in my life is that I too had premarital sex. With the woman who would later become my wife but it doesn't matter. I still hurt God and it was when I was a born again Christian. We all sin but our sin still hurts God.

But I want you to do me a favor. If you truly desire to be a born again Christian I want you to stop trying to get the Holy Spirit on your own means. I want you to come to Jesus in prayer and tell him that you accept him as your Lord and Savior. Tell him how sorry you are for your sins and come to him in faith. Jesus promises to never drive away those who come to him in faith and that those people are saved forever (John 6:37-40) Paul quotes Jesus in Romans 10:13. If you mean your prayer with all your heart Jesus WILL give you the Holy Spirit. That is the ONLY way to obtain it and when you obtain it you have it for forever. Good luck.

 

[Neostarwcc]

I believe that small voice is the Holy Spirit prompting you not to give up and leading you to Jesus, so that you can repent and be forgiven.
Like I said, your suicide attempts failed; you're still alive, want to meet with God again and have planned to go to a Bible college so you can learn more about your faith. That's happened for a reason.

I agree. She needs to stop seeking the Holy Spirit on her own and needs to turn to Jesus. Only he can give the Holy Spirit. Not some preacher.

 

[well hey]

Two weekends ago I took a trip to London, completely last minute on the train unprepared and travelled alone 8 hours from my home in Wales.

The night before this happened I had lost my faith.

I was with my boyfriend we had been having sex and I had been drinking alcohol heavily for nights. I was feeling close to death, spiritually and physically. I didn't feel the Holy Spirit anymore I felt weak, my health declining and that my spiritual body was so damaged from all of the sin that I thought "Ok, this is the end. If I die, I die."

12am, just as I was about to go to bed my phone rings just before we headed upstairs - a Christian friend said he knew what was happening and said I needed to repent, how he knew I don't know..

I ran into the bathroom "How!?" He said the Holy Spirit told him to contact me.

I was so hardened I thought there is no way I could turn back.

Saturday Morning - I headed over on the train. The whole journey I was so out of my comfort zone not to mention I had no clue where in London I was going!

My heart was hardened towards Jesus. I couldn't feel the Holy Spirit. I felt suicidal and void of human emotion all I could feel was fear, anger and rage. I had constant eye pain a strange feeling of pride. I could feel the demonic presences entangled into my being I was very aware of what was happening. This was my whole body demonically entangled from the sex, drugs, sin and loss of the Holy Spirit.

Saturday Arrival - When I got there I fasted for two days I didn't eat or drink a single thing. The night before Sunday I tried to sleep but I could not sleep an inch I was attacked all night.

Sunday Morning - We headed to two services. The first service I went to was a small evangelical church where there was a lot of singing and worship the Lady was prophesying, she was very annointed as she began to talk it was as if she was speaking to me out of all the crowd, she saw what was happening inside of me and called me up. She prayed over me and I fell to the floor shaking I felt the fire of the Holy spirit move through her as she prayed and I could feel things leave me. She placed a blanket over me and I couldn't move on the floor for a good 10 minutes. I knew there were still things inside of me though and it wasn't finished. I hugged her so hard when I left and she exchanged phone numbers with me. Second service - The second service was a very large congregation in London, called winners church. We tried to make it on time to the service but we missed it - travelling so far we were so dissapointed but luckily my friend knew the pastor who favoured him so highly that he agreed to meet with me in his office.. this gentleman was a face I'll never forget as he got up from his desk, I could see the Holy Spirit in his eyes and the love of Jesus as he annointed my head with oil and commanded whatever was left to leave he told me to read the book of JOB after I had left. His eyes were piercing and the image stayed with me all the way back to my friends house. We got back to my friends house, I felt a slow shift taking place inside of me.

We arrived back at my friends house, I showered and got a clean change of clothes. I sat down and began to write with my pen -- I could feel the essence of life slowly coming into me telling me information and it made sense. The feeling stayed with me, I headed for the train thinking about what was happening.

On the train home I planned to meet my boyfriend when I got off the train. I was staying at his house. I told him I didn't wanna go back to having sex and I wanted to abstain, he respected my desicion and I told him I needed to keep to this cleaner way of living. We ordered Chinese food and watched movies and we didn't have sex.

The week went on and I felt less of the Holy Spirit and felt I was leaving doors open "Shall we go out?" my friend said. I said ok as long as I don't drink. I ended up drinking, having sex and being tormented even worse.

Shortly, if not days after I felt the holy spirit eave. I was back in square one and even worse than before. I couldn't sustain the deliverence.

I am thinking I may need to leave the area in which I'm living in, in order to change my path.. if there's still hope left, I want to repent of my sin but I need to be in a place where I cannot repeat habbits? Leave my area completely move somewhere I can keep my deliverence.

I spoke to my boyfriend and he wants to move to Leeds I just need to figure out a ministry down in Leeds, I know of one called Mercy UK which is a biblical school which is what I was going to do this year which is in Yorkshire. He supports my Christian beliefs and said if we get married he will get baptized.

I have a ticket that's valid for a whole month to go back down to London. Maybe break things off with my boyfriend for now, fast, repent and get deliverence this time..

Any advice appriciated please no judgemental or mean comments as I'm feeling fear as it is. Thank you.

 

[well hey]

There are a few people here who have no clue! Your heart is pursueing Jesus and that simple fact you will do well. God bless you and God bless you! Dont forget immerse your mind with the Bible. !

 

[well hey]

Too late? What's that supposed to mean? You dont know the amount I've been through You don't know me. I wouldn't consider myself lucky. I have fallen very deeply and far from God, many times. I don't mean to sound rude saying that but you don't anyone enough to say that. I am trying to.. that's the aim..

You now have the gift of the Holy Spirit. Continue to repent throughout your life as you are doing and you will have him. Bless you precious believer