Hey!
I will start by saying that I haven't read all the posts. But I can definitely relate to Invalidusername and the author of the thread.
Esau? Oh, yeah! Disobeying the Spirit? Oh, that's me. Feeling that He has left? Yep! Feeling unforgivable? If you wish to know a little more about what has happened to me, you can look up my threads and posts and get an idea. Don't really want to dwell on that.
I'm posting because well maybe it helps someone, maybe it helps Invalidusername or the author of the thread.
What has recently happened to me is that I thought that I am unforgivable so I decided that I'll try to live life without God and thread my own road. It was kind of impossible to feel at peace obviously, but well... I tried to do this thing called life on my own once again. Still listening to a Sunday sermon on Youtube here and there till just a few weeks ago one sermon hit me. I had prayed the day before and.. Just felt like He was speaking to me. Trust me, it was mindblowing miraculous because I really thought that He is done with me. I don't know. This one time when it seemed like He talked to me again... Just kind of changed everything for me. I know that I cannot give an experience like that to you (well, maybe this post can speak to you/ your heart).
But after this one Sunday, I started to listen to some more sermons/ reading the word. IDK, I just have to say that.. Faith has started to rise and build in me. I start to believe that the story about the prodigal could be about me. I'm not there yet. But I have seen and tasted His goodness (when I was converted..) and I want to press in to get back there, try to get to the first love. My feelings are also whack, I know I am oppressed by devils and I am acting kind of weird a lot of the time, but we know that God is a deliverer. So I just put my hope in Him, I really hope that He will deliver me once again, I will feel clean again, I'll be healed and fulfill my calling.
This is something that I wanted to emphasize. Calling! Today I realized that I should try to follow my calling even while I'm feeling all this oppression and I don't really see any physical healing/ tangible manifestations of His presence. I don't know about you, but for me the calling He put on my life is what my own dreams and hopes are. I want to do those things He called me to do.
So yeah, I'm fighting. Fighting for my life. Fighting for eternity. Don't give up guys. Maybe you can cling to simple promises like 'faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God' and just read/ listen and hope that faith comes! It says that His Word is life. Maybe reading/ listening to His Word/ to sermons etc. brings life to your lives. It seems that that's what's happening to me again. My cravings for smoking and my own ways has reduced a lot.
There is one scary thing though. A scary thing that might turn into a joyful one. That might just be turning into a joyful one this very moment. It might cost me all. I might have to give up things that I love and enjoy. As in the first Psalm David talks about meditating on His Word day and night. It seems that God asks us everything and I think that that was what my first love was about. And I think that it's such a key. We can read the same in the first chapter of Joshua - not turning left or right from His laws and thinking about them day and night.
I hope this blesses you guys. Just my testimony and a little bit of trying to encourage you. Eternity guys. Eternity. <3 Don't give up. Call on Him.
And listen to Hillsong in all of it's forms. :>
Have a great day!
Edit:
This blessed me this evening. Maybe it blesses you too.