A trouble with a friend of 10 years

[Brian Mcnamee]

I need some advice from Christians on my relationship issue.

I have a friend that I have been friends for 10 years (since we were in high schools). Let's call her 'D'.
She is 2 years older than me and moved to the different state, but we continued to have our friendship lasted. We went to the same college, majored in the same major. We studied together and lived together as roommates for a brief amount of time. We are both Christians. We both believe strongly in Christ. She is my church friend as well.

Recently we got into a discussion. I am good at argument and loves argument and loves to talk. My friend, D, is not much into those things. She doesn't like to talk. She is quiet. So during the discussion/argument, she said "I don't want to talk anymore. My feelings are ruined". I apologized first at that moment (because I didn't mean to offend her at all when we were discussing although we had a different view on the topic). she apologized for how she said it as well. So I thought we were cool.
But she has been acting as if she doesn't want to talk to me or be with me or associate with me. She doesn't respond to my text I post to group-text messages (and she left the text-message group). She doesn't want to sit with me at the church.
So I felt bad. I don't know what to do because I have apologized already and I thought we were cool. I think she needs time. So I am okay with that. It is a bit uncomfortable in this silence treatment, but if it is what she needs, so be it.
When I was thinking back on our relationship to find things I have done before that could have hurt her. Then I realized she hasn't been putting our friendship into her priority.

She always put her boyfriend before anything else (even her own family, because she loves him a lot). Then whenever she goes to a baseball game with her boyfriend, she invites other people (who are singles) but never asked me about it (although she knows I love to go to ball games and said we should go sometime several times). She never invites me to her home party that she throws with people I also know. When I call her when she is with her friends, she said I can't come, then later she said she should have invited me because I know all those people. She doesn't' want to eat out with me because it costs money, but occasional coffee is okay.

Until now, none of it had been an issue because I love talking with her. She doesn't invite me when she is with others, but she invites me alone and cooks for me and bakes for me. She gives me birthday presents and all that friends stuff. I help her with her homework and she helps me as well. I encourage her, she encourages me. We went through some tough time together as well.

She has been good friends with me, but now she acts like she wants to put distance between us. I was going through some stressful time to think how to save this relationship and realized that she doesn't want to and doesn't' seem to cherish our relationship as much as I do, which hurts my feeling.

I don't know if she is ashamed of me because I am not pretty as her or thin as she (she always gives me tips on losing weight and how to wear make-up or cloth better) or she feels low esteem around me because I have higher GPA and a job (she is unemployed and has some self-esteem issue that she told me about before). May be her boyfriend doesn't like me (All those occasions that she refused to invite me was when she was with her boyfriend), I don't know.

I don't know how to act around her anymore. I don't know if this relationship is worth saving it. I don;t know if I should go out of my way to make her feel better and so we can go back to that old relationship or it is time for me to look for new friends.

She has been my oldest friend and I thought she would be my friends even after our death. I don't know what to do now. Can you please help me?

Hi 1st from the sidelines you have not stated what you were arguing or what you said that earned her response that she felt ruined. Her subsequent withdrawal from you is obvious that there in her mind is a decision do withdraw from you. You want a quick fix to make it like it was. Perhaps your assessment of how it was was not accurate form her perspective. She has been growing apart from you for some time. I think you should respect her wishes and give her the distance she needs and pray for her and as far as church goes find new people to fellowship with. If it is a phase she will start to miss you and over time she will contact you. You can be polite and kind when you do see each other. There is no big gesture or grand apology that will make it fit as this is very similar to a couple that is breaking up. Best friends is a intimate place of confidence and trust and she does not have that in you now.

It s ok for friendships to work their course and there is a real grief in falling out with someone you still love and want to be best friends with. This of course has to be mutual. So back off and be cool form a distance and make new friends and leave the door open for her. Do not dwell on your pain but pray for her best and perhaps it will work out anyways.

 

[ToBeLoved]

I need some advice from Christians on my relationship issue.

I have a friend that I have been friends for 10 years (since we were in high schools). Let's call her 'D'.
She is 2 years older than me and moved to the different state, but we continued to have our friendship lasted. We went to the same college, majored in the same major. We studied together and lived together as roommates for a brief amount of time. We are both Christians. We both believe strongly in Christ. She is my church friend as well.

Recently we got into a discussion. I am good at argument and loves argument and loves to talk. My friend, D, is not much into those things. She doesn't like to talk. She is quiet. So during the discussion/argument, she said "I don't want to talk anymore. My feelings are ruined". I apologized first at that moment (because I didn't mean to offend her at all when we were discussing although we had a different view on the topic). she apologized for how she said it as well. So I thought we were cool.
But she has been acting as if she doesn't want to talk to me or be with me or associate with me. She doesn't respond to my text I post to group-text messages (and she left the text-message group). She doesn't want to sit with me at the church.
So I felt bad. I don't know what to do because I have apologized already and I thought we were cool. I think she needs time. So I am okay with that. It is a bit uncomfortable in this silence treatment, but if it is what she needs, so be it.
When I was thinking back on our relationship to find things I have done before that could have hurt her. Then I realized she hasn't been putting our friendship into her priority.

She always put her boyfriend before anything else (even her own family, because she loves him a lot). Then whenever she goes to a baseball game with her boyfriend, she invites other people (who are singles) but never asked me about it (although she knows I love to go to ball games and said we should go sometime several times). She never invites me to her home party that she throws with people I also know. When I call her when she is with her friends, she said I can't come, then later she said she should have invited me because I know all those people. She doesn't' want to eat out with me because it costs money, but occasional coffee is okay.

Until now, none of it had been an issue because I love talking with her. She doesn't invite me when she is with others, but she invites me alone and cooks for me and bakes for me. She gives me birthday presents and all that friends stuff. I help her with her homework and she helps me as well. I encourage her, she encourages me. We went through some tough time together as well.

She has been good friends with me, but now she acts like she wants to put distance between us. I was going through some stressful time to think how to save this relationship and realized that she doesn't want to and doesn't' seem to cherish our relationship as much as I do, which hurts my feeling.

I don't know if she is ashamed of me because I am not pretty as her or thin as she (she always gives me tips on losing weight and how to wear make-up or cloth better) or she feels low esteem around me because I have higher GPA and a job (she is unemployed and has some self-esteem issue that she told me about before). May be her boyfriend doesn't like me (All those occasions that she refused to invite me was when she was with her boyfriend), I don't know.

I don't know how to act around her anymore. I don't know if this relationship is worth saving it. I don;t know if I should go out of my way to make her feel better and so we can go back to that old relationship or it is time for me to look for new friends.

She has been my oldest friend and I thought she would be my friends even after our death. I don't know what to do now. Can you please help me?

You are over analyzing this and maybe because you are trying to figure out what happened, but I don't think this is good at all for you.

I would write her a short note. Less than two paragraphs, be very humble and ask for her forgiveness and tell her how much you miss her and that you are sorry for any offense and that if it is something you did you would like to know and be given the chance to change.

Once you go on the defensive it is all downhill from there. If you hurt her and want to be friends again, then this is about her and not you. Don't let your imagination run away with you.

 

[Bible Highlighter]

I need some advice from Christians on my relationship issue.

I have a friend that I have been friends for 10 years (since we were in high schools). Let's call her 'D'.
She is 2 years older than me and moved to the different state, but we continued to have our friendship lasted. We went to the same college, majored in the same major. We studied together and lived together as roommates for a brief amount of time. We are both Christians. We both believe strongly in Christ. She is my church friend as well.

Recently we got into a discussion. I am good at argument and loves argument and loves to talk. My friend, D, is not much into those things. She doesn't like to talk. She is quiet. So during the discussion/argument, she said "I don't want to talk anymore. My feelings are ruined". I apologized first at that moment (because I didn't mean to offend her at all when we were discussing although we had a different view on the topic). she apologized for how she said it as well. So I thought we were cool.
But she has been acting as if she doesn't want to talk to me or be with me or associate with me. She doesn't respond to my text I post to group-text messages (and she left the text-message group). She doesn't want to sit with me at the church.
So I felt bad. I don't know what to do because I have apologized already and I thought we were cool. I think she needs time. So I am okay with that. It is a bit uncomfortable in this silence treatment, but if it is what she needs, so be it.
When I was thinking back on our relationship to find things I have done before that could have hurt her. Then I realized she hasn't been putting our friendship into her priority.

She always put her boyfriend before anything else (even her own family, because she loves him a lot). Then whenever she goes to a baseball game with her boyfriend, she invites other people (who are singles) but never asked me about it (although she knows I love to go to ball games and said we should go sometime several times). She never invites me to her home party that she throws with people I also know. When I call her when she is with her friends, she said I can't come, then later she said she should have invited me because I know all those people. She doesn't' want to eat out with me because it costs money, but occasional coffee is okay.

Until now, none of it had been an issue because I love talking with her. She doesn't invite me when she is with others, but she invites me alone and cooks for me and bakes for me. She gives me birthday presents and all that friends stuff. I help her with her homework and she helps me as well. I encourage her, she encourages me. We went through some tough time together as well.

She has been good friends with me, but now she acts like she wants to put distance between us. I was going through some stressful time to think how to save this relationship and realized that she doesn't want to and doesn't' seem to cherish our relationship as much as I do, which hurts my feeling.

I don't know if she is ashamed of me because I am not pretty as her or thin as she (she always gives me tips on losing weight and how to wear make-up or cloth better) or she feels low esteem around me because I have higher GPA and a job (she is unemployed and has some self-esteem issue that she told me about before). May be her boyfriend doesn't like me (All those occasions that she refused to invite me was when she was with her boyfriend), I don't know.

I don't know how to act around her anymore. I don't know if this relationship is worth saving it. I don;t know if I should go out of my way to make her feel better and so we can go back to that old relationship or it is time for me to look for new friends.

She has been my oldest friend and I thought she would be my friends even after our death. I don't know what to do now. Can you please help me?

If you were standing by your convictions on what you believe God's Word says and that upset her, then there is nothing you can do but to pray for her. I drifted away from an old close friend of mine and I can tell it was because I believed God's Word differently on some things than he did. We used to have a lot in common. We were best friends for about 17 years or so. But like passing ships at sea, we were only meant to pass each other for a short time in this life. For so far as I can tell, we were not meant to be best buds our entire life time (as I imagined).

If it is your standing by a belief in God's Word, then never apologize for such a thing.
If you were talking about something personal that you could see differently, and you could accept it, then by all means apologize. If she was hurt by your belief of what you believe is correct and good according to God's Word, then it is time to move on and to love them from afar. Seek out new friendships in the Lord.

I hope this helps.
And may God bless you.

Side Note:

May we ask as to what the argument was about?


...

 

[1gh2g3f4]

ive found myself in similar situations.. i would even say often.. just like you here and i would feel bad about it later... and you probably nailed it perfectly by saying that you are really great at arguments.. but i want to tell you something that ive been trying (actively) to do.. maybe it will help you.. i think you would consider yourself wise if you are able to argue like you say... that should go hand in hand... but are you really wise?? and if you are... how much have you learned from the book of proverbs??? it says many things about.. listening before speaking... seeking counsel of others... (which you are doing here) and the other thing that im trying to actively do in my life.. is just simply holding my tongue... but by all means still speak your truth as you know it... but listen to the other who kinda speaks against it and consider it.. and sometimes just knowing when to hush or to stop is also wise.. so use this as a learning experience if ANYTHING else happens... be it if you two become friends again.. or if you dont.. still learn from it.

 

[Rescued One]

Yes, I guess so.
My personality has never been such a big issue in last 10 years. Actually, she asked me to argue for her several times, but I guess she doesn't like when it was directed to her. I know people think and feel differently (for me, an argument is not an act of offense, but simply one way of conversation).

I will try to get some kind of counseling about it. Thank you.

I am a person who wants my friends to be Christians who can laugh about clean humor. Arguments are like rubbing sandpaper on a sore. Discussion is different.

 

[HRDJ]

Hi 1st from the sidelines you have not stated what you were arguing or what you said that earned her response that she felt ruined. Her subsequent withdrawal from you is obvious that there in her mind is a decision do withdraw from you.

I

Side Note:

May we ask as to what the argument was about?


...

The argument was about women equality. We both agreed that men and women are different physically, which sets certain limits on our (women)'s action.

When I was talking about that, I thought that limits were like having periods or pregnancy or hormonal changes. My friend said it is about how men can carry heavier stuff than women.

So I said, "Well if a woman works out, she can carry any amount of load she wishes to carry". Then my friend said, "but if a man works out, he will be able to carry a bigger load."

Then I went on explaining that my point wasn't really that but how setting limits on women based on the activity both men and women could do is not fair. Then my friend said her feelings are ruined and said I do not understand what she meant.

When she said her feelings were ruined, I backed down immediately and said I was sorry and never meant to offend her in any way. A few minutes later, she said she regretted saying that as well but still I hurt her feeling but she said she was sorry for saying that as well.

So I thought we were cool...because it wasn't so much on the difference between our views, but little detail and misunderstanding. But I guess when I explained my position, I was a little bit more argumentive and lawyer-like than she expected.

I would write her a short note. Less than two paragraphs, be very humble and ask for her forgiveness and tell her how much you miss her and that you are sorry for any offense and that if it is something you did you would like to know and be given the chance to change.

Once you go on the defensive it is all downhill from there. If you hurt her and want to be friends again, then this is about her and not you. Don't let your imagination run away with you.

I am not trying to be defensive here..but I am not sure if I did something that bad (please read about the details for the argument up there). May be there are still some things I need to know about how people feel and such, but I was stating my opinion and it wasn't an opinion that she disagree with me completely either....so I don't know if I should really beg for her forgiveness (and she did apologized to me and I apologized to her as well...)

 

[HRDJ]

You still both go to the same church.?
How do you get along with her boyfriend?

He might be an issue if you dont get along with him...
Sounds like you aw both strong christians......
Is this boyfriend a strong christian......??

We still go to the same church, but don't sit together. I sit with other group of people.

I am okay with her boyfriend. I am not a close friend with him. her ex-boyfriend didn't like me (openly hated me), so I think she is hiding her boyfriend from me so that doesn't happen again.

He boyfriend is also from Christian family and seems to be a good Chrisitian. But both my friend and her boyfriend did say they haven't met Jesus personally, and wish that Jesus comes to them. They do believe in Jesus firmly but they said they haven't recieved the holy spirits (I don't know what that means because I believe Jesus have come to rescue me and I have holy spirit and all...so it is bit hard to imagine what they mean. But I don't judge them for that. I think it is admirable for them to pray for Jesus to touch their lives.)

The Bible tells us: give up all selfish and unloving behaviour, then ask your friend to forgive you. God and Jesus are always ready to help us. Start loving and caring and forgive your friend. Then love and be always friendly. I say this with love, HRDJ. Greetings from Emmy, your sister in Christ.

If a person takes offense, but we show a genuine concern and real apologizing for hurting them, then that has an effect over time, and we can't always predict that effect, but it could make us face something, or make them face something, or both, and one or either could be reluctant to face that whatever something, because usually it's an old feeling from childhood we want to avoid, and there's an opportunity for growth. I've learned lately that for me, this means a very good moment to pray for help, from above, with faith, because I know it aligns with God's will for me to be more healed in my heart in order to love others better, so that any kind of emotional healing I pray for I can always have total faith as I pray, just as Christ Himself instructed us to do during prayer -- to believe it will be given.

Thank you Emmy and Halbhh for your responces.
I already apologized to her and she apologized to me about her behavior as well....it is that she acts like she doesn't want me in her life after all that apologizing. So I don't know if I should go out of my way to ask her why she is still mad at me or not..

Why not take what you have posted in here and ask her these things personally? Tell her how you feel, and ask her if she feels the same way? Don't argue with her. Just listen, and then respond in a gentle way.

Based on my knowledg on her, she doesn't like to talk when she is in a fight (she is 'walk out of door' type of person). I am afraid if I start talking to her when she is not ready, she would find my action to be hostile.

Every healthy relationship has boundaries: Could it be that you have crossed the line and she is now distancing herself from you? Could it be that she doesn't want you around when she is with her boyfriend because she wants to spend private time with him? Could it be that she didn't invite you to social activities because she was afraid you might start an argument with someone and ruin the party? These are things to consider, but you won't know for sure unless you ask her.

I don't start fight with people all the time....I have never ruined any sort of party.....that is why it hurts me more. I judge myself not too highly. I know how I behave and I do my best to fix my wrongs, but I am not usually hostile to others and people tend to like me as well (I am also known to be funny and uplift party mood. I willing be the clown and do daring things to make things fun because my friends tend to be quiet and shy and reserved.). But the fact she is intentionally not inviting me and secluding me hurts me. Usually I i ignore it because I have other place to be with other people. So it is not like I have no where else to go, but the fac she is doing that kinda hurts me.

 

[Bible Highlighter]

The argument was about women equality. We both agreed that men and women are different physically, which sets certain limits on our (women)'s action.

When I was talking about that, I thought that limits were like having periods or pregnancy or hormonal changes. My friend said it is about how men can carry heavier stuff than women.

So I said, "Well if a woman works out, she can carry any amount of load she wishes to carry". Then my friend said, "but if a man works out, he will be able to carry a bigger load."

Then I went on explaining that my point wasn't really that but how setting limits on women based on the activity both men and women could do is not fair. Then my friend said her feelings are ruined and said I do not understand what she meant.

When she said her feelings were ruined, I backed down immediately and said I was sorry and never meant to offend her in any way. A few minutes later, she said she regretted saying that as well but still I hurt her feeling but she said she was sorry for saying that as well.

So I thought we were cool...because it wasn't so much on the difference between our views, but little detail and misunderstanding. But I guess when I explained my position, I was a little bit more argumentive and lawyer-like than she expected.

Possibility #1.

By what she said, there is definitely something deeper than the discussion at hand that has made her upset and it is not the conversation exactly. If I were to be a detective in this situation, I would guess that the bringing up of a man's strength might be related to the possible abusive authority from her boyfriend that she is struggling to resolve with in her own life. It is possible that her boyfriend may be controlling and he does not want her to spend time with others (that he does not agree with). So he possibly asked her to do something really hard. He may have asked to break it off with you. Maybe he does not want her to get ideas from other women. I do not know his motivations for why he felt this way. People can have all sorts of skeletons in their closet or wrong views on life (that are not easy to pick up on). Maybe your close relationship made him jealous. But I would gather that talking about men vs. women and their strengths was just a surface discussion. You could have been talking about clowns and ice cream and she still would have probably broken down emotionally and kept her distance. I think she needed to see you one last time (As a send off or goodbye). I think it was already over the moment her boyfriend did not want her to see you. For it makes no logical sense that she would break it off with you over such a discussion.

Possibility #2.

The only other possiblity I could see maybe is if you have a more liberal view of the Bible and she is more conservative. If she has beliefs that constantly confict with your beliefs in regards to the Bible, then it is possible that this may trouble her enough to end things. For our beliefs in God and His Word can be very important to us. She may love you as a friend deeply, but she may love Jesus more. If her boyfriend is an unbeliever or has not accepted Christ, this is probably not the case and the boyfriend is probably the cause here. But if not, she may not think you are on the same path spiritually as she is. I know that it is very difficult for me to see an old childhood friend of mine because he is more in the ways of the world (even though he believes in God and Christ). His thinking is more worldly and we are not on the same path or way of thinking like we once were. The good thing is that he has become more distant and I did not have to push him away. It was sort of natural in our being distant from each other. But our beliefs on things in the Bible has changed. Maybe God will bring him around one day to where I am at. But it would be hard for me to see him because he is so different from me in what I think is important in this life. Maybe this is something similar to what has happened in your situation. For the conversation could be the catalyst of the rift of differences between your beliefs.

For personally, I am more conservative. I would probably side on her position of the debate. Granted, we are to love our wives as Christ loves the church. I also believe we are all one in Christ; But there are still differences that are signficant even biblically. She may believe (like I do) that only a man can speak in authority over a body of believers on spiritual matters. That she may feel strong it is wrong for a woman to be a Pastor. This may be very important to her because she feels that is what the Bible says. She may feel that a man is the strength of her home and she does not like the progressive "women's rights equality group" type thinking. Yes, women can work out and lift things like a man, but in reality, a man is naturally stronger. God made man that way. It is a fact. I am not trying to beat my chest here or anything and act macho American, or flex my testerone muscles, but I am merely going by what I feel God's Word says plainly on this matter. For I am not undermining women by saying this. God desinged women for specific roles that are according to Christ's glory and purposes (that differs a little than man's roles). One can even see this order if they were to watch a lot of nature shows. But this is how God designed the order of things. Your debate could have brought up all the important feelings she has for her belief. She thinks authority is important and it starts with her boyfriend being her husband one day in being the head of the home. It begins with God and His Word. She could have heard a video sermon or read an article stressing the importance of this for her life; Or it could have been something she was thinking about for a long time. If there were previous discussions on God's Word were you bumped heads on occasion, this might be the cause.

I hope this helps.
And may God bless you greatly.
Pray for her to return to you if it is God's will.


...

 

[Traveling teacher]

We still go to the same church, but don't sit together. I sit with other group of people.

I am okay with her boyfriend. I am not a close friend with him. her ex-boyfriend didn't like me (openly hated me), so I think she is hiding her boyfriend from me so that doesn't happen again.

He boyfriend is also from Christian family and seems to be a good Chrisitian. But both my friend and her boyfriend did say they haven't met Jesus personally, and wish that Jesus comes to them. They do believe in Jesus firmly but they said they haven't recieved the holy spirits (I don't know what that means because I believe Jesus have come to rescue me and I have holy spirit and all...so it is bit hard to imagine what they mean. But I don't judge them for that. I think it is admirable for them to pray for Jesus to touch their lives.)




Thank you Emmy and Halbhh for your responces.
I already apologized to her and she apologized to me about her behavior as well....it is that she acts like she doesn't want me in her life after all that apologizing. So I don't know if I should go out of my way to ask her why she is still mad at me or not..


Based on my knowledg on her, she doesn't like to talk when she is in a fight (she is 'walk out of door' type of person). I am afraid if I start talking to her when she is not ready, she would find my action to be hostile.



I don't start fight with people all the time....I have never ruined any sort of party.....that is why it hurts me more. I judge myself not too highly. I know how I behave and I do my best to fix my wrongs, but I am not usually hostile to others and people tend to like me as well (I am also known to be funny and uplift party mood. I willing be the clown and do daring things to make things fun because my friends tend to be quiet and shy and reserved.). But the fact she is intentionally not inviting me and secluding me hurts me. Usually I i ignore it because I have other place to be with other people. So it is not like I have no where else to go, but the fac she is doing that kinda hurts me.

Sister. I believe the real issue is that although your friend goes to church she doesnt claim to be born again.....
Until she is born again you can only have limited fellowship.....
The Spirit cannot fellowship with unbelievers......

GOd may be in this trying to put some distance between you two until she commits her life to Jesus....

PRay for this girl and her bfriend and fully submit this relationship to Christ.....
And trust Him and leave it where He wants it!!!

I have had close friends who backslid or did not fully commit to Christ,and there has to be some distance or they will pull you down.....

 

[JCFantasy23]

Unfortunately this sounds like one of those situations where she is changing/going through something - and sometimes people distance themselves from long time friends during this phase

Sometimes we grow apart because people change

Your debate that you talked about a few posts above sounds mild and something ANY friends could talk about - that wouldnt' drive a friend off. I think its just a coincidence of timing.

I would keep giving her space. Trying to pursue someone who wants space is the worst that you can do. She will probably come back later wanting to spend more time together.

 

[ToBeLoved]

Unfortunately this sounds like one of those situations where she is changing/going through something - and sometimes people distance themselves from long time friends during this phase

Sometimes we grow apart because people change

Your debate that you talked about a few posts above sounds mild and something ANY friends could talk about - that wouldnt' drive a friend off. I think its just a coincidence of timing.

I would keep giving her space. Trying to pursue someone who wants space is the worst that you can do. She will probably come back later wanting to spend more time together.

Good point. A lot of times we do not know or understand what the other person may be going through in their life.

 

[Meowzltov]

I need some advice from Christians on my relationship issue.

Hi. I read your post very carefully, and have several thoughts.

First, if she is feeling down about her employment prospects, send her a hopeful card to cheer her up. Something nice. A card is good because you are respecting her need for distance but still letting her know you care.

Second, a word about us introverts. We love people, but we just need a lot of space. If she needs time away from you in order to gather her thoughts, the best thing in the world you can do is give it to her.

I am also a person that really enjoys a good argument over an intellectual subject. But let me tell you, very few other people are. And a really good way to lose a friend is to argue with them over politics or religion or something when they are not into that. If she doesn't like anchovies on her pizza, don't make her eat it. Bring your desire for a hearty debate online, where you can find all sorts of us like minded folks to sate your appetite.

 

[Rescued One]

We still go to the same church, but don't sit together. I sit with other group of people.

I am okay with her boyfriend. I am not a close friend with him. her ex-boyfriend didn't like me (openly hated me), so I think she is hiding her boyfriend from me so that doesn't happen again.

He boyfriend is also from Christian family and seems to be a good Chrisitian. But both my friend and her boyfriend did say they haven't met Jesus personally, and wish that Jesus comes to them. They do believe in Jesus firmly but they said they haven't recieved the holy spirits (I don't know what that means because I believe Jesus have come to rescue me and I have holy spirit and all...so it is bit hard to imagine what they mean. But I don't judge them for that. I think it is admirable for them to pray for Jesus to touch their lives.)




Thank you Emmy and Halbhh for your responces.
I already apologized to her and she apologized to me about her behavior as well....it is that she acts like she doesn't want me in her life after all that apologizing. So I don't know if I should go out of my way to ask her why she is still mad at me or not..


Based on my knowledg on her, she doesn't like to talk when she is in a fight (she is 'walk out of door' type of person). I am afraid if I start talking to her when she is not ready, she would find my action to be hostile.



I don't start fight with people all the time....I have never ruined any sort of party.....that is why it hurts me more. I judge myself not too highly. I know how I behave and I do my best to fix my wrongs, but I am not usually hostile to others and people tend to like me as well (I am also known to be funny and uplift party mood. I willing be the clown and do daring things to make things fun because my friends tend to be quiet and shy and reserved.). But the fact she is intentionally not inviting me and secluding me hurts me. Usually I i ignore it because I have other place to be with other people. So it is not like I have no where else to go, but the fac she is doing that kinda hurts me.

Never start a fight. You shouldn't have to fight about the Bible.

Ephesians 4
14 That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;

15 But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:...


29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

1 Thessalonians 2
7 But we were gentle among you, even as a nurse cherisheth her children:

8 So being affectionately desirous of you, we were willing to have imparted unto you, not the gospel of God only, but also our own souls, because ye were dear unto us.

9 For ye remember, brethren, our labour and travail: for labouring night and day, because we would not be chargeable unto any of you, we preached unto you the gospel of God.

10 Ye are witnesses, and God also, how holily and justly and unblameably we behaved ourselves among you that believe:

Practice kindness.

 

[Traveling teacher]

I agree with Jason
I believe it has to do with her boyfriend
They are in a relationship and in the process toward wives submitting to your husbands after marriage.....

I have been married for 35 years....
I am very wachful of my wife and her friends family influence.....
My wife has been influencd by her relations as we all are...
One christian sister she works with divorced her husband many years back and has not always been a good influence on her........
Also if you ar badmouthing her boyfind this is a real nogo in my book...unless he is in a specific sin.....

Try praying for her boyfriend and accepting him....
You will be in a relationship some day.....
In the same situation...n.....
Peace and grace

 

[Traveling teacher]

I agree with Jason
I believe it has to do with her boyfriend
They are in a relationship and in the process toward wives submitting to your husbands after marriage.....

I have been married for 35 years....
I am very wachful of my wife and her friends family influence.....
My wife has been influencd by her relations as we all are...
One christian sister she works with divorced her husband many years back and has not always been a good influence on her........
Also if you ar badmouthing her boyfind this is a real nogo in my book...unless he is in a specific sin.....

Try praying for her boyfriend and accepting him....
You will be in a relationship some day.....
In the same situation...n.....
Peace and grace

 

[Meowzltov]

Also if you ar badmouthing her boyfind this is a real nogo in my book...unless he is in a specific sin.....

There are two sides to this.

One one side, there is just plain old gossip. We all have our little spats, and we don't need to air our dirty linen. If it's just a simple disagreement that got ugly, it would be wrong to disparage ANYONE for that. It is also wrong to reveal anyone's little flaws that just bug us--after all we wouldn't want anyone revealing ours.

One the other hand, there are things that happen that are harmful to us and to our relationship. Women are highly social beings. We have networks of friends to vent and help each other. It's what we do. Men don't understand this. Too bad. The emotional support helps to keep us of sound mind. And sometimes, in practical terms, we need problem solving. We might need someone to tell us that this is just part and parcel of life so live with it. Or that being slapped is abuse and we are nuts to stay with him. Or ways to be assertive instead of losing our temper and yelling. Maybe we need ideas on a solution that will make both of us happy. Down through the ages, women have always helped one another.

 

[LoricaLady]

Given the weight of the evidence over a substantial period of time, and that you've already made plenty of attempts to reconcile, I would allow her the distance she seems to want. Do that for a time and see what she does with it. Then you'll know more clearly what she really wants. Perhaps it's a friendship, but not the way it had been.

Ditto to the above.

 

[LoricaLady]

I will do that..but it is just so uncomfortable.
We had been so close that people started to ask me questions today as well. I don't know what to tell those people and when I tell them about what happened to her, I do not wish to bad-mouth her either.

She has hurt my feeling and wants to put distance between us, but I do not wish to hurt her, but I also do not want to be attacked by her from behind my back either.

If you feel she would attack you behind your back, there is another issue, of trust. You might consider just telling her what you told us, that you notice she seems to be distancing herself from you in certain ways, and you wonder if she is still feeling hurt by you and/or really still wants to be friends.

It seems you two have moved into different life styles, with you being more academic and her being more into things like appearances. It often happens - though not always - that when friends start moving in different circles that they become more and more distant from one another.

 

[LoricaLady]

P.S. A thought just occurred. When you feel hurt because you friend wants some friend time with others, as at ball games and parties where you are not invited, it seems like you feel entitled to be
able to be there. People sometimes have a group friends who are congenial with one another, but not necessarily with others. You should not be hurt or offended by her making her own decisions.

 

[HRDJ]

I agree with Jason
I believe it has to do with her boyfriend
They are in a relationship and in the process toward wives submitting to your husbands after marriage.....

I have been married for 35 years....
I am very wachful of my wife and her friends family influence.....
My wife has been influencd by her relations as we all are...
One christian sister she works with divorced her husband many years back and has not always been a good influence on her........
Also if you ar badmouthing her boyfind this is a real nogo in my book...unless he is in a specific sin.....

Try praying for her boyfriend and accepting him....
You will be in a relationship some day.....
In the same situation...n.....
Peace and grace

I never talked about her boyfriend with anyone else. He is a handsome man with good job and money. He is a good boyfriend. He also said he is not attracted to a woman who is more successful than him, so i guess some of that may have influenced her and try to put her lower position than man (and she is a conservative bible believer, so I don't know what could have caused this sudden anger toward what we discussed...) I never cared much about him. He doesn't really know me personally either (except what my friend said to him about me, but I don't know what she would have said, so I wouldn't assume he knows about me.)

I never thought her boyfriend could be an issue...But if that is the issue, then I should definitely step aside from her, at least now, because they are talking about marriage.

P.S. A thought just occurred. When you feel hurt because you friend wants some friend time with others, as at ball games and parties where you are not invited, it seems like you feel entitled to be
able to be there. People sometimes have a group friends who are congenial with one another, but not necessarily with others. You should not be hurt or offended by her making her own decisions.

I didn't have problem with her having time with other people...At first, when I heard she went to those events without me, I didn't feel bad or anything like that. But when she deliberately rejected me to join the party with people I already know with, it hurt me and those old memories came on to the surface. And when she just snapped out like that during our discussion and get out of the group-chat room without giving any reason, I was like "okay, you don't want to talk to me or be friends with me anymore? Was I only that worth of friend?"

I feel like I was the needy one and she took advantage of me (I helped her a lot when she needed help - like homework, tests, intern-opportunity, financially, and making arguments for her when she wanted to fight her boyfriend.)