A trouble with a friend of 10 years

[HRDJ]

I need some advice from Christians on my relationship issue.

I have a friend that I have been friends for 10 years (since we were in high schools). Let's call her 'D'.
She is 2 years older than me and moved to the different state, but we continued to have our friendship lasted. We went to the same college, majored in the same major. We studied together and lived together as roommates for a brief amount of time. We are both Christians. We both believe strongly in Christ. She is my church friend as well.

Recently we got into a discussion. I am good at argument and loves argument and loves to talk. My friend, D, is not much into those things. She doesn't like to talk. She is quiet. So during the discussion/argument, she said "I don't want to talk anymore. My feelings are ruined". I apologized first at that moment (because I didn't mean to offend her at all when we were discussing although we had a different view on the topic). she apologized for how she said it as well. So I thought we were cool.
But she has been acting as if she doesn't want to talk to me or be with me or associate with me. She doesn't respond to my text I post to group-text messages (and she left the text-message group). She doesn't want to sit with me at the church.
So I felt bad. I don't know what to do because I have apologized already and I thought we were cool. I think she needs time. So I am okay with that. It is a bit uncomfortable in this silence treatment, but if it is what she needs, so be it.
When I was thinking back on our relationship to find things I have done before that could have hurt her. Then I realized she hasn't been putting our friendship into her priority.

She always put her boyfriend before anything else (even her own family, because she loves him a lot). Then whenever she goes to a baseball game with her boyfriend, she invites other people (who are singles) but never asked me about it (although she knows I love to go to ball games and said we should go sometime several times). She never invites me to her home party that she throws with people I also know. When I call her when she is with her friends, she said I can't come, then later she said she should have invited me because I know all those people. She doesn't' want to eat out with me because it costs money, but occasional coffee is okay.

Until now, none of it had been an issue because I love talking with her. She doesn't invite me when she is with others, but she invites me alone and cooks for me and bakes for me. She gives me birthday presents and all that friends stuff. I help her with her homework and she helps me as well. I encourage her, she encourages me. We went through some tough time together as well.

She has been good friends with me, but now she acts like she wants to put distance between us. I was going through some stressful time to think how to save this relationship and realized that she doesn't want to and doesn't' seem to cherish our relationship as much as I do, which hurts my feeling.

I don't know if she is ashamed of me because I am not pretty as her or thin as she (she always gives me tips on losing weight and how to wear make-up or cloth better) or she feels low esteem around me because I have higher GPA and a job (she is unemployed and has some self-esteem issue that she told me about before). May be her boyfriend doesn't like me (All those occasions that she refused to invite me was when she was with her boyfriend), I don't know.

I don't know how to act around her anymore. I don't know if this relationship is worth saving it. I don;t know if I should go out of my way to make her feel better and so we can go back to that old relationship or it is time for me to look for new friends.

She has been my oldest friend and I thought she would be my friends even after our death. I don't know what to do now. Can you please help me?

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

I don't know if she is ashamed of me because I am not pretty as her or thin as she (she always gives me tips on losing weight and how to wear make-up or cloth better)

I think it would help to know if the people she invites to events and parties when you aren't allowed are of a certain appearance if so maybe she does have an issue with your looks and this is the reason. I would hate for it to be the case but if she is like that then you deserve a better friend anyways. Some people are flaky about that so if she did even mention your appearance and urged you to change it then maybe she does have an issue with it regardless which isn't cool either way. Reading over everything you said this does seem to be the most likely reason but some people just have attitude issues and you did say she has self esteem issues so probably not the most emotionally stable person anyways.

 

[brinny]

I need some advice from Christians on my relationship issue.

I have a friend that I have been friends for 10 years (since we were in high schools). Let's call her 'D'.
She is 2 years older than me and moved to the different state, but we continued to have our friendship lasted. We went to the same college, majored in the same major. We studied together and lived together as roommates for a brief amount of time. We are both Christians. We both believe strongly in Christ. She is my church friend as well.

Recently we got into a discussion. I am good at argument and loves argument and loves to talk. My friend, D, is not much into those things. She doesn't like to talk. She is quiet. So during the discussion/argument, she said "I don't want to talk anymore. My feelings are ruined". I apologized first at that moment (because I didn't mean to offend her at all when we were discussing although we had a different view on the topic). she apologized for how she said it as well. So I thought we were cool.
But she has been acting as if she doesn't want to talk to me or be with me or associate with me. She doesn't respond to my text I post to group-text messages (and she left the text-message group). She doesn't want to sit with me at the church.
So I felt bad. I don't know what to do because I have apologized already and I thought we were cool. I think she needs time. So I am okay with that. It is a bit uncomfortable in this silence treatment, but if it is what she needs, so be it.
When I was thinking back on our relationship to find things I have done before that could have hurt her. Then I realized she hasn't been putting our friendship into her priority.

She always put her boyfriend before anything else (even her own family, because she loves him a lot). Then whenever she goes to a baseball game with her boyfriend, she invites other people (who are singles) but never asked me about it (although she knows I love to go to ball games and said we should go sometime several times). She never invites me to her home party that she throws with people I also know. When I call her when she is with her friends, she said I can't come, then later she said she should have invited me because I know all those people. She doesn't' want to eat out with me because it costs money, but occasional coffee is okay.

Until now, none of it had been an issue because I love talking with her. She doesn't invite me when she is with others, but she invites me alone and cooks for me and bakes for me. She gives me birthday presents and all that friends stuff. I help her with her homework and she helps me as well. I encourage her, she encourages me. We went through some tough time together as well.

She has been good friends with me, but now she acts like she wants to put distance between us. I was going through some stressful time to think how to save this relationship and realized that she doesn't want to and doesn't' seem to cherish our relationship as much as I do, which hurts my feeling.

I don't know if she is ashamed of me because I am not pretty as her or thin as she (she always gives me tips on losing weight and how to wear make-up or cloth better) or she feels low esteem around me because I have higher GPA and a job (she is unemployed and has some self-esteem issue that she told me about before). May be her boyfriend doesn't like me (All those occasions that she refused to invite me was when she was with her boyfriend), I don't know.

I don't know how to act around her anymore. I don't know if this relationship is worth saving it. I don;t know if I should go out of my way to make her feel better and so we can go back to that old relationship or it is time for me to look for new friends.

She has been my oldest friend and I thought she would be my friends even after our death. I don't know what to do now. Can you please help me?

I thought she would be my friends even after our death.

Would you be so kind as to elaborate on what you mean by being friends even after your deaths?

Thank you kindly.

 

[paul1149]

now she acts like she wants to put distance between us.

Given the weight of the evidence over a substantial period of time, and that you've already made plenty of attempts to reconcile, I would allow her the distance she seems to want. Do that for a time and see what she does with it. Then you'll know more clearly what she really wants. Perhaps it's a friendship, but not the way it had been.

 

[HRDJ]

I think it would help to know if the people she invites to events and parties when you aren't allowed are of a certain appearance if so maybe she does have an issue with your looks and this is the reason.

Well, for the ball park friends she had are pretty tall and okay looking (People I know and people who don't care about looks.) but the party people she had are not so much pretty. The only thing that I can think of as common between these people is that they are more of introverts than extroverts, like myself. For that party issue, I asked her after that party and she said she invited those people because they are immigrants who were away from family so she threw a party for them (but I know those people and she lives with her family.)

For her self-esteem issue, she is unemployed. Currently, she is studying coding to get a job at this company that her boyfriend works (he boyfriend will be promoted to a manager level soon, so she is hoping her boyfriend would recommend her for the job and hopefully get a job).

Her twin sister did say she is a feeling bit blue about her future.

She did say she is unstable emotionally when she apologized to me after the argument. She recently got into an accident that she caused and had some bad things happen to her (she didn't specify what other bad things but she said some things happened to her). So I guess she does have some internal conflict at the moment.

Should I wait for her to calm down? Or it is not just worth it?

 

[Kit Sigmon]

let her be...she knows your number and will give you a holler
or send you a text when she is ready to talk.
You be yourself, that's all you can be anyways.

This is one of the reasons why I encourage people not to be fixt
hanging out with one friend so much.
Make sure you got a hobby or hobbies that involves other people...example:
I use to be in a Christian's singles group at church many moons ago
and it was great...they always had something planned for the weekends
and we did stuff together like: eat out, go to movies, events and or help
each other with yard work/chores etc.

 

[HRDJ]

Would you be so kind as to elaborate on what you mean by being friends even after your deaths?

Thank you kindly.

we talk about heavens and how we will meet each other in the heaven when we die.

(I was very sick at one point in our friendship and my doc said I might have cancer and all that. so that conversation came up.)

 

[brinny]

Well, for the ball park friends she had are pretty tall and okay looking (People I know and people who don't care about looks.) but the party people she had are not so much pretty. The only thing that I can think of as common between these people is that they are more of introverts than extroverts, like myself. For that party issue, I asked her after that party and she said she invited those people because they are immigrants who were away from family so she threw a party for them (but I know those people and she lives with her family.)

For her self-esteem issue, she is unemployed. Currently, she is studying coding to get a job at this company that her boyfriend works (he boyfriend will be promoted to a manager level soon, so she is hoping her boyfriend would recommend her for the job and hopefully get a job).

Her twin sister did say she is a feeling bit blue about her future.

She did say she is unstable emotionally when she apologized to me after the argument. She recently got into an accident that she caused and had some bad things happen to her (she didn't specify what other bad things but she said some things happened to her). So I guess she does have some internal conflict at the moment.

Should I wait for her to calm down? Or it is not just worth it?

You should respect her wishes and give her space.

Have you considered getting counseling for coping skills and for learning and respecting boundaries?

 

[brinny]

we talk about heavens and how we will meet each other in the heaven when we die.

(I was very sick at one point in our friendship and my doc said I might have cancer and all that. so that conversation came up.)

This might be something you may want to discuss with a counselor.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

Should I wait for her to calm down? Or it is not just worth it?

I would take a wait and see approach personally. I'm sure you have let her know plenty of times by now how you feel about her and everything and what you want. Assuming she does know what you want and how you feel about her and this friendship, the best thing you can do now is focus on other things and people. If she has distanced herself from you and she really has, given what you said, I wouldn't put anymore time or effort into trying to make someone be my friend when they for whatever reason don't want to. It sucks to lose close friends but it doesn't seem she valued you as highly as you valued her anyways.

 

[HRDJ]

Given the weight of the evidence over a substantial period of time, and that you've already made plenty of attempts to reconcile, I would allow her the distance she seems to want. Do that for a time and see what she does with it. Then you'll know more clearly what she really wants. Perhaps it's a friendship, but not the way it had been.

I will do that..but it is just so uncomfortable.
We had been so close that people started to ask me questions today as well. I don't know what to tell those people and when I tell them about what happened to her, I do not wish to bad-mouth her either.

She has hurt my feeling and wants to put distance between us, but I do not wish to hurt her, but I also do not want to be attacked by her from behind my back either.

 

[HRDJ]

let her be...she knows your number and will give you a holler
or send you a text when she is ready to talk.
You be yourself, that's all you can be anyways.

This is one of the reasons why I encourage people not to be fixt
hanging out with one friend so much.
Make sure you got a hobby or hobbies that involves other people...example:
I use to be in a Christian's singles group at church many moons ago
and it was great...they always had something planned for the weekends
and we did stuff together like: eat out, go to movies, events and or help
each other with yard work/chores etc.

Okay..I will just let her be alone. It is so uncomfortable for me. I do have another church group, but I had been friends with her for so long that it is too hard to open to new people....but I will try. Thank you.

 

[brinny]

I will do that..but it is just so uncomfortable.
We had been so close that people started to ask me questions today as well. I don't know what to tell those people and when I tell them about what happened to her, I do not wish to bad-mouth her either.

She has hurt my feeling and wants to put distance between us, but I do not wish to hurt her, but I also do not want to be attacked by her from behind my back either.

It sounds like she withdrew from you because as you stated, that you like to argue and debate, but she doesn't, and you knew she didn't like it. The offense came from you in that case.

Perhaps for your own benefit and self-respect as well as respecting your former friend, you can move on, and in the meantime, get some counseling to learn how to do so.

 

[HRDJ]

I would take a wait and see approach personally. I'm sure you have let her know plenty of times by now how you feel about her and everything and what you want. Assuming she does know what you want and how you feel about her and this friendship, the best thing you can do now is focus on other things and people. If she has distanced herself from you and she really has, given what you said, I wouldn't put anymore time or effort into trying to make someone be my friend when they for whatever reason don't want to. It sucks to lose close friends but it doesn't seem she valued you as highly as you valued her anyways.

Okay, I think I will just let her do what she wants. It really sucks to lose a friend that I thought it would last a lifetime...but I will just have to wait and see. Thank you for your advice and reading my long post!

 

[brinny]

Okay..I will just let her be alone. It is so uncomfortable for me. I do have another church group, but I had been friends with her for so long that it is too hard to open to new people....but I will try. Thank you.

Yeah, when someone indicates that they prefer to be left alone, it is perhaps best to do so, and leave them alone.

 

[HRDJ]

It sounds like she withdrew from you because as you stated, that you like to argue and debate, but she doesn't, and you knew she didn't like it. The offense came from you in that case.

Perhaps for your own benefit and self-respect as well as respecting your former friend, you can move on, and in the meantime, get some counseling to learn how to do so.

Yes, I guess so.
My personality has never been such a big issue in last 10 years. Actually, she asked me to argue for her several times, but I guess she doesn't like when it was directed to her. I know people think and feel differently (for me, an argument is not an act of offense, but simply one way of conversation).

I will try to get some kind of counseling about it. Thank you.

 

[381465]

Maybe she just needs a break from arguing.
I hate arguing and you said you love it and are good at it.
That would exhaust me a few seconds.

 

[HRDJ]

Maybe she just needs a break from arguing.
I hate arguing and you said you love it and are good at it.
That would exhaust me a few seconds.

I guess that is true, too.
I got over it after the apology, but I guess it was more tiresome for her than I expected.

Thank you for sharing your insight.

 

[brinny]

Yes, I guess so.
My personality has never been such a big issue in last 10 years. Actually, she asked me to argue for her several times, but I guess she doesn't like when it was directed to her. I know people think and feel differently (for me, an argument is not an act of offense, but simply one way of conversation).

I will try to get some kind of counseling about it. Thank you.

If someone is not inclined to welcome debates/arguing, it could very well be, from their perspective, irritating and obnoxious to have it imposed on them. Therefore it can be an offense if it was not invited and the other person persists in it. it sounds like perhaps her patience wore thin and she needs a reprieve.

Good move to get counseling. Please update us on how it's going.

 

[brinny]

I guess that is true, too.
I got over it after the apology, but I guess it was more tiresome for her than I expected.

Thank you for sharing your insight.

That's very perceptive of you.