A Question (mostly) for the guys.

[graciesings]

Soooo... One of my buddies is going through a rough breakup and is really torn up about all this. I really want to help him and I've been trying to find ways to make him feel better.

Problem is, I really don't want to be his next girlfriend. And that needs to be crystal clear and I don't think it is? I also need ways to encourage him outside of a girly role.

So, guys, if one of your bros was going through a rough breakup, what would you do for them?

 

[dayhiker]

I guess give him some space to mourn his loss.
Then invite him out to play golf.

 

[r0keye]

Space. He'll lock on to you before you know it otherwise. I would question why you really want to help him too, do you need to be needed?

 

[Messy]

Let someone else comfort him. It gives a weird bond and he might start to like you.
I had a guy in a students' home where I lived who just broke up and a girl there talked with him for nights, months long and they played chess and talked about philosophy and theology all the time, oh my, they were annoying and it really helped him, but a woman comforting a man so much, it just gives a bond, it's weird. He didn't like her, she was just a friend to him, but she got so much attention and then a new girl came and he liked her and they dated and later married. Spoke them years later and he said he met her again after 15 years accidentally and the first thing she asked was if he was still with this girl. She also dated and married a guy one year later than them, but she was really jealous then that all of a sudden she didn't get any attention anymore and she was not very kind to that girl he later married.

 

[graciesings]

Thanks, y'all.

I'm not worried about getting attached to him. That just... doesn't seem like a problem, the way things stand. What I'm worried about is him getting attached to me.

I think what I want from him is that I miss spending time with my Dad and brother and being "one of the boys." I think I've been subconsciously looking for more (platonic) guy friends down here.

 

[Miss Spaulding]

A platonic girl-guy friendship is tricky and not often achieved. It can be done, but it's very hard. I only know a handful of people who have had success in this.

I would give the guy space at this time. But if he's prone to growing attached to the opposite sex so easily to begin with, then perhaps you should distance yourself altogether, especially since you have no intention of getting attached yourself.

 

[Hawthorne]

Give him (lots of) space, and don't mention the breakup. It would probably be best if you avoided him (save for a warm hello if you happen to see him) for a month at minimum, and, again, never initiate discussion of the breakup. Also note that the danger of a rebound of his affections is significant.

 

[Saucy]

I kinda disagree. One of your friends is devastated after a painful moment. We can all assume as much as we want what MIGHT happen or how he'll react, but the opposite could be true as well. There are ways you can provide him some comfort and be kind without getting too involved and giving him the wrong impression.

 

[dayhiker]

I personally don't have any problems keeping single male/female relationships going. We both know what the boundaries are and respect each other enough to honor those.
Ya, some talking is needed so they are out in the open and known.

 

[Tess]

It could be simple really; you set boundaries about what is and isn't appropriate for your interactions with a guy who isn't your boyfriend.

For instance, you might say that you're not going to hang out alone in the evening, that you're not going to have any physical contact, or that you're not going to discuss some of your deeper feelings/emotions with him.

 

[Miss Spaulding]

I base my opinion on the fact that Gracie has made it sound (to me anyway) that she believes there's a good chance of him getting attached or him thinking that she personally is getting attached to him.

It's because of this that I think it would be wise if she just let him know that she feels for him and will keep him in her thoughts/prayers. That's it. The end. Leave it at. Give him a few weeks or a month and then pick up on the friendship where you left off.

I'm just saying, situations like these are tricky, particularly with young people (no offense). His in an emotional state. Feelings can be easily be misconstrued.

 

[Gnarwhal]

Soooo... One of my buddies is going through a rough breakup and is really torn up about all this. I really want to help him and I've been trying to find ways to make him feel better.

Problem is, I really don't want to be his next girlfriend. And that needs to be crystal clear and I don't think it is? I also need ways to encourage him outside of a girly role.

So, guys, if one of your bros was going through a rough breakup, what would you do for them?

Buy a six pack of beer and a brick, then go to what's-her-face's house and let the party begin. Okay seriously we wouldn't do anything like that, although alcohol would likely be involved.

The last time one of my friends went through a bad breakup was—I think—about eight years ago. He started dating this girl who had been pursuing him most of our senior year of high school, and almost two years to the day from when they started dating, she dumped him. He was wrecked for a long time (in fact, I'm still convinced that this girl he married is some sort of twisted rebound, even though the space between his breakup with the first girl and his meeting this second one was probably 4-5 years).

Anyway, the night of the breakup I just went over and sat with him in his room for a couple hours. We didn't say a word. We just sat there in silence. The next night another friend joined us, he bought a 40 and we and we climbed to the top of our church (it's a big geodesic dome) and the friend who was dumped drank pretty much the whole 40. We laughed, we let him process, we trashed his ex, then we climbed down.

He was definitely a different person after dating and being dumped by her.

 

[Hawthorne]

It's because of this that I think it would be wise if she just let him know that she feels for him and will keep him in her thoughts/prayers. That's it. The end. Leave it at. Give him a few weeks or a month and then pick up on the friendship where you left off.

I'm just saying, situations like these are tricky, particularly with young people (no offense). His in an emotional state. Feelings can be easily be misconstrued.

Basically what I said. Space is imperative, but so is letting the person know he still has some support and care. It's that balance that can be difficult to attain.

 

[Miss Spaulding]

^Right. Which is due to the girl-guy aspect of this. If Gracie was a dude herself then we probably wouldn't be having this thread.

 

[Hawthorne]

If Gracie was a dude herself then we probably wouldn't be having this thread.

No, but if this thread were started by... You know, I probably shouldn't go there.

 

[ReesePiece23]

Simple. Tell him very clearly that you're there for him - there's ZERO reason to avoid him, and I know enough about you to know that you can handle this. But, you need to make it clear that you do not intend to be ANYBODY'S rebound, regardless as to who they are. It's perfectly natural and understandable for him to be reaching out emotionally right now, but remind him that whatever feelings he's experiencing for you, are purely superficial, and simply serve as a means of self protection from the heartbreak that he's going through.

Then try to re-establish the friendship and get him out of the mindset of boyfriend/girlfriend. So, don't get too emotional with him, and don't be affectionate. If you go out as friends, be sure to invite some extra people along - in fact, that would be about the best thing for him right now. When I split from my ex, I gathered friends from all corners of the country and had LOADS of fun.

Encourage him to do the same. It will pay him more dividends that being an accountant, trust me.

 

[Hawthorne]

All our answers are coloured by our experience. I know if I were in the situation of the guy, and Gracie were wanting to be there for me, it would make me angry. I can't identify why, but it would. For me, space would be the only option, but everyone is different.

 

[graciesings]

All our answers are coloured by our experience. I know if I were in the situation of the guy, and Gracie were wanting to be there for me, it would make me angry. I can't identify why, but it would. For me, space would be the only option, but everyone is different.

See, he is wanting reached out to. He's posted some stuff on Facebook that shows he's deeply upset and whenever we start chatting, he talks about it. So... I have reason to believe he doesn't want to just be given space.

Also, he seems volitaile. Enough so that I'm seriously worried about his mental health. And.... welly, y'all know me. I help people even when I shouldn't because I can't bear to see them suffer. And I might be more affectionate to people than I should be? Lol.

A platonic girl-guy friendship is tricky and not often achieved. It can be done, but it's very hard. I only know a handful of people who have had success in this.

I would give the guy space at this time. But if he's prone to growing attached to the opposite sex so easily to begin with, then perhaps you should distance yourself altogether, especially since you have no intention of getting attached yourself.

Yeah. I don't know how easily attached he is. I'm just nervous because I really don't want him to get attached. Or to run from me because he thinks I have a crush on him. (i absolutely don't.) I also don't want him to think that I might be open for some sort of FwB thing. And yet I don't want him to think I dislike him, either, because I like him... Just not that way. I think this would be a lot easier if I could just come out to him...

I kinda disagree. One of your friends is devastated after a painful moment. We can all assume as much as we want what MIGHT happen or how he'll react, but the opposite could be true as well. There are ways you can provide him some comfort and be kind without getting too involved and giving him the wrong impression.

Absolutely. Like what? This is what I need help with lol.

^Right. Which is due to the girl-guy aspect of this. If Gracie was a dude herself then we probably wouldn't be having this thread.

The problem is that I see him the way a guy would see him, and he sees me the way he sees girls.

 

[Goodbook]

He needs to go to his dad.
Or our Dad.

You can pray for him, and then tell him to talk his worries over with God.

 

[Hawthorne]

Understood.

Are you the only one around who could be his friend right now? It'd be ideal if it were a guy just so there isn't the confusion and mixed signals that can result with girl-guy friendship, and it would be excellent if there were a group of two or three people (yourself included) that could envelope him in support. He'd have the male camaraderie with the added bonus of a woman or two to balance things.