A question for you male-types

[Mrs. Luther073082]

THE INTERNET HAS FEELINGS!!!!!

lc

/hyper

 

[GQ Chris]

Now see Chris, you just had to go there, lol.

Seriously, I've met some of my very best friends in Christian Singles on AOL. It's not as if Christians are limited to CF, you know lol. And some of those friends of mine have met and married. Yes, there are liars and fakes and wackos, but that's what prudence and wisdom and discernment are for.

And my cat is snoring...hehe.

And I could probably find a hundred dollar bill in a trash dumpster but does that mean its a good place to look ...

 

[Inkachu]

I think I know a few more married couples from the 'net than you have found hundred dollar bills in trash bins


Well. I got a few more emails from him this afternoon. Still nothing laid out plain and clear, but I'm going to assume from what little he said that he's got no futher interest. It'd be nice to know what the heck happened on his end, but...what's done is done, I guess.

Just another guy who uses you and disappears when he's done.

You know, it's these times when I have to fight the urge to say "See...nobody wants me...nobody will ever want me." Cause that's how it makes a girl feel.

Guys. Don't do this to girls.

 

[ido]

You know, it's these times when I have to fight the urge to say "See...nobody wants me...nobody will ever want me." Cause that's how it makes a girl feel.

A guy behaving this way has little to nothing to do with whether or not you are desireable to the OS. If you start thinking that way, then you will behave that way around guys and create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don't sell yourself short like that!

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

You know, it's these times when I have to fight the urge to say "See...nobody wants me...nobody will ever want me." Cause that's how it makes a girl feel.

All this means is that God answered your prayer about taking away another of the wrong guys.

Been there. You'll be glad about it one day.

 

[Inkachu]

Thanks gals. I just need to go cry for a bit and I'll be OK, lol.

 

[Mikeb85]

I'd like to get the guys' opinions on something that's been going on with me and a guy I know. Here's a rundown of the situation:

This guy apparently noticed me in one of the Christian chat rooms on AOL. He sent me an email saying he liked my profile, thought I was pretty, etc etc. I answered back, said thank you, yadda yadda. Basically, we began emailing back and forth, then instant messaging, then talking on the phone. We talked every single day for over a month. We were both quite smitten with each other, and both excited about it, and were talking about meeting in person in the near future.

Already this would worry me. I've found that too much time together (whether it means in person, talking on the phone, etc...) too soon is trouble - big trouble. Best to enter things cautiously and slowly, in my experience when things develop too fast (talking every day on the phone before meeting in person IMO qualifies), they end just as quickly.

Then comes Christmas Eve. He's travelling to visit family, and calls me on his way there. He promises to call me again later that day. He doesn't.

He doesn't call or email on Christmas. Or the day after. I'm starting to worry he didn't make it there safely. I send him a few emails and leave a few voice mails.

Two days after Christmas I get an email that basically just says "I miss you, hope you had a good Christmas".

I email him back. No response. Nothing for three more days. I'm basically beside myself, having no clue what is going on or why he's just suddenly gone silent or if something is wrong. His phone has been turned off the entire time, all I can is leave voice mails. His emails are all unread.

Then another short email that says "Sorry, I've been sick". That's it.

Then more silence.

This is how it's been since Christmas. He's sent me maybe two more emails, just saying things like "Sorry, I've been busy" "Sorry, having a bad day here". He's not returned any phone calls.

I finally reached my limit and sent him a rather long email telling him that whatever's going on, there's no excuse for him to just give me complete silence for days at a time with no explanation. Did he lose interest? Was there some serious crisis going on in his life? WHAT? I've begged him to just TELL me what's happening. Even if it's just saying "Sorry, I'm not interested in you anymore". And all I'm getting is silence.

In your opinions, fellas...what the HECK is going on?

I'd say he probably lost interest. Things like that happen when you are suddenly very attracted to someone, you can lose that attraction just as quickly. I know for myself, setting the precedent of talking to someone everyday early in the relationship is a set up for disaster - as you progress in the relationship even more time and effort is expected, and that can be too much stress to take.

I'd personally much rather talk to someone a few times a week in the early stages, and progressively grow closer over a longer period of time. That way both people can have more time to contemplate things early on, and as the commitment grows then time together can too. Commitment is much more important than attraction (whether physical or intellectual), and a relationship that develops too quickly is generally more indicative of initial attraction (which naturally can be subject to change).

And I know this from personal experience - several relationships I've had that started off very quickly, died just as quickly (and in the exact manner you described for this one).

 

[EazyMack]

Just another male-type to say that it appears that his interest has somehow been deferred. No way of telling why or how based on the evidence provided in the original post (I haven't read the other pages of this thread).

 

[JonMiller]

I would also like to point out that this isn't really a male type thing, I Think.

Similar things have happened often to me (in fact, almost every girl who has been a possibility to date?), even with girls I met (and had never interacted with online).

JM

 

[rdonovan1]

I think I know a few more married couples from the 'net than you have found hundred dollar bills in trash bins


Well. I got a few more emails from him this afternoon. Still nothing laid out plain and clear, but I'm going to assume from what little he said that he's got no futher interest. It'd be nice to know what the heck happened on his end, but...what's done is done, I guess.

Just another guy who uses you and disappears when he's done.

You know, it's these times when I have to fight the urge to say "See...nobody wants me...nobody will ever want me." Cause that's how it makes a girl feel.

Guys. Don't do this to girls.

This kind of reminds me of an episode of George Lopez in which the daughter Carmen fell in love with a boy. She had a big fight with her parents about the whole thing and then when she did get their approval to marry the guy he split.

They all tried to tell her that he was not coming back, but she would not listen to them.

What's relevant here is that he ditched you and you are having trouble moving on because just like Carmen you keep hoping and praying that he will come back, but the reality is that he is just not going to come back because he has moved on.

I know that it hurts and I'm sure that if everyone here could they would all give you a big hug.

I know that none of this can or will make anything easier on you, but I am pretty dog gone sure that someday you will find and meet a man that truly does respect you and that truly thinks that you are beautiful and special.

No matter what happens, just remember that you are not the only one that has had bad things like that happen to them.

I for one am one of them and at the rate that I am going I am starting to think that I have a better chance of winning the lottery than I do of ever finding the right woman for me.

I've tried to meet people online before and so far have not had much luck. Some of the women that I have met on MySpace have been complete lunatic's and I say that in a nice way. One of the first ones that I met told me that she had genital herpes and that she wanted to come over to my house and have sex with me.

I personally found that very alarming and strange, but it did not end there as after that she started calling me all of the time and halfway during the middle of the conversation things would go silent and before you knew it there would be someone else on the line accusing me of calling them and harassing them.

This type of stuff combined with the way that my family has always treated me has made me very, very cautious and cynical because at the moment I am seriously doubting that I will ever meet anyone that is normal and that is why I am focusing on looking offline and it is also why I joined CF.

It would be nice to meet a nice normal woman, but at this point I am thinking that my chances of that ever happening are pretty much impossible.

 

[20MoreMiles]

In your opinions, fellas...what the HECK is going on?

He's moved on. So should you.


Maybe he's married and realized he was acting on lust and made a mistake. Perhaps he met someone else. Perhaps he had no confidence in a relationship with you or in general. Maybe he's insecure about meeting you. Who knows?

Bottom line, move on.

 

[deliciousBass]

I've tried to meet people online before and so far have not had much luck. Some of the women that I have met on MySpace have been complete lunatic's and I say that in a nice way. One of the first ones that I met told me that she had genital herpes and that she wanted to come over to my house and have sex with me.

I personally found that very alarming and strange, but it did not end there as after that she started calling me all of the time and halfway during the middle of the conversation things would go silent and before you knew it there would be someone else on the line accusing me of calling them and harassing them.

How did she get your phone number?

 

[jja1981]

i thought that was obvious he is playing you he probarly has a family and wife and trying to use you as bit on the side trust me blokes like come and go and i am bloke.

jja

 

[Inkachu]

Already this would worry me. I've found that too much time together (whether it means in person, talking on the phone, etc...) too soon is trouble - big trouble. Best to enter things cautiously and slowly, in my experience when things develop too fast (talking every day on the phone before meeting in person IMO qualifies), they end just as quickly.

Not that it matters now, but we didn't start talking on the phone from day 1, and we didn't talk on the phone every day. We emailed for a while at the beginning - nothing excessive or lengthy, just a short hello and how are you each day. After a few weeks we went to IM's, and again, it's not like we were IMing for 8 hours a day to each other; we both work and have lives offline lol. But we did keep in touch daily. We've talked on the phone several times; not every day, and never for hours at a time or anything like that.

I'd say he probably lost interest. Things like that happen when you are suddenly very attracted to someone, you can lose that attraction just as quickly. I know for myself, setting the precedent of talking to someone everyday early in the relationship is a set up for disaster - as you progress in the relationship even more time and effort is expected, and that can be too much stress to take.

Well, again, we didn't "set a precedent" of talking every day.

I'd personally much rather talk to someone a few times a week in the early stages, and progressively grow closer over a longer period of time. That way both people can have more time to contemplate things early on, and as the commitment grows then time together can too. Commitment is much more important than attraction (whether physical or intellectual), and a relationship that develops too quickly is generally more indicative of initial attraction (which naturally can be subject to change).

And I know this from personal experience - several relationships I've had that started off very quickly, died just as quickly (and in the exact manner you described for this one).

I know what you're saying; I've been there as well, and learned from those mistakes. I was the one keeping a bit of distance at first, quite honestly, and after we'd continually said "hi" through emails for a while, I figured we were both interested enough to really start conversing regularly, so that's what we did.

 

[overit]

Ok-several things-Ink this doesn't only happen on line-it happens in real life-in fact women have written dating books about it LOL-I don't know WHY they do this but it happens a lot. Bury the head in the sand-ignore it and it will go away-if I pretend I don't get the messages she'll get the hint. It's the cowardly dissapearing act-it's VERy common.

NOw-before the guys come and jump on me-I'm speaking only of guys that do these things (and there are MANY that do)..this does not mean that if you dont' do this you can ridicule, argue and diss my response

2nd-Ink-the internet-forums-chatting can give you a TREMENDOUS false sense of intimacy. Hence why I don't trust a relationship that develops through forums/chats anymore-been there done that. But it's a known thing-and it's evident that you did develop a false sense of intimacy this time and got hurt. You HAVE to be EXTREMELY careful about these things. If you do start a chat thing-don't take anything seriously-even if they seem so interested and tell you what you want to hear. No REAL relationship will develop unless you have met them-what happens prior-even talks about dreams, you, him, etc is just smoke and mirrors. Guard you heart. I'm so very sorry this happened to you. Please don't be too trusting! I hate to see people get hurt.

You've had a lot of good advice here. <Staff Edit>

 

[Gwendolyn]

Sounds like an idiot, don't waste your time on him. Find something else to focus on.

 

[GQ Chris]

Do I have to post wisdom from the internets again?

 

[GQ Chris]

well okay....

------------------------------------------------------------

If a man wants you!

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat ON you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always knows where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.
BY THE WAY, THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN, SO TAKE A HINT.

 

[deliciousBass]

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.

Processing... processing... saving.... complete!

dBass has now reserved the above quote for future use

Yes, I am bored.

 

[Inkachu]

Ok-several things-Ink this doesn't only happen on line-it happens in real life-in fact women have written dating books about it LOL-I don't know WHY they do this but it happens a lot. Bury the head in the sand-ignore it and it will go away-if I pretend I don't get the messages she'll get the hint. It's the cowardly dissapearing act-it's VERy common.

NOw-before the guys come and jump on me-I'm speaking only of guys that do these things (and there are MANY that do)..this does not mean that if you dont' do this you can ridicule, argue and diss my response

2nd-Ink-the internet-forums-chatting can give you a TREMENDOUS false sense of intimacy. Hence why I don't trust a relationship that develops through forums/chats anymore-been there done that. But it's a known thing-and it's evident that you did develop a false sense of intimacy this time and got hurt. You HAVE to be EXTREMELY careful about these things. If you do start a chat thing-don't take anything seriously-even if they seem so interested and tell you what you want to hear. No REAL relationship will develop unless you have met them-what happens prior-even talks about dreams, you, him, etc is just smoke and mirrors. Guard you heart. I'm so very sorry this happened to you. Please don't be too trusting! I hate to see people get hurt.

You've had a lot of good advice here. I am taken back though by newbie there-who goes on to suggest you read all these relationship books-study behavior-study human psychology etc...and on the same page not long ago I got blasted and so did everyone else for how in error we are for relying on psychologists, books, dating experts instead of GOd-how he follows God's word not psychologists-we were all in error, wrong, on the path to destruction, etc (which had NO bearing on the truth or even what I was talking about). So I truly am questioning your motives here, is this a split personality thing or are you truly messing w/people here? Because I had some very harsh words from you and then I was called mentally ill for "relying on psychology and books" instead of God's words ....care to lay out the honesty card donovan? This is off topic but I really dislike behavior like this and I've known many of these people for a long time and I don't like any of us being messed with. Maybe this isn't the right place for these actions.

Thanks, Over. 12 hours of prayer and reflection do make a great deal of difference. I'm feeling much more at peace about it today.