A question for you male-types

[Tink]

Sounds like a guy I know. Is his name William?

 

[Tinkerbell33]

The only way that you can find out what is really going on is to ask him about it.

 

[deliciousBass]

Blind post - sounds like he found somebody else.

 

[Sketcher]

Probably confusion or cold feet. That is if he didn't find somebody else, or have some massive attack of depression.

 

[Inkachu]

Sounds like a guy I know. Is his name William?

No, lol.

 

[Inkachu]

The only way that you can find out what is really going on is to ask him about it.

Honey I've been asking since Christmas, and he just won't talk to me. I've emailed and called, and all I get are these little one-liner answers every few days.

I just sent him one last email and said, if you want to continue talking, call me tonight. If you don't call, I'm done and I'll leave you alone and take that as a sign you aren't interested anymore. I'm done playing email tag; this is not how adults treat someone they care about.

 

[rdonovan1]

I'm not sure as to how long you knew him before all of this silence stuff started happening, but based upon what I have read and from what you have described it does sound like he is either busy or just not very interested in you anymore and I agree that if he is serious about you, then he should at least provide you with an explanation as for what is going on with him and that he should at least give you some sort of time frame as to when he thinks the two of you could talk more if he is really interested in you as that would be the proper thing to do.

More than likely though he really is not all that interested in you and has decided that he is going to move on to someone else, but I could be wrong because I don't know his circumstances.

All that I can tell you is as to what I would do. If it were me, then I would at least send you an e-mail letting you know as to what was up with me so that you at least knew ahead of time, but at the same time I probably would not be taking things too seriously unless we had actually met in person because whether we like it or not people can and do lie on the internet and I know that because I have experienced it first hand and that is why I prefer not to get involved in long distance or Internet based relationships.

At some point if the relationship is serious, then it is going to have to come offline and both people are going to have to meet in person as that is the only way that you can really tell for sure. If the chemistry and the excitement is not there after you have met in person then it just is not meant to be and there is really not much that anyone can do about that.

 

[ido]

He is not interested anymore and he is too cowardly to come out and say it.

Judging from your story, I would bet he saw an old flame when he went home for Christmas and that rekindled an interest in her.

Forget him.

I'm no guy, but I was thinking this exact same thing before I read this post.

Whether interested or just a friend, anyone who drops you suddenly isn't as great a person as they seemed to be. If they had tons of time for you up until a certain point, then it stopped suddenly, that is a tell-tale sign, IMVHO, that they lost interest or weren't as genuine as they seemed to be about their feelings or friendship to begin with.

I know it hurts and it sucks that some people (girls do this kind of stuff to guys, too) are inconsiderate enough to behave this way. But, rather than wait around for him to tell you the status of the relationship, I encourage you to make your OWN mind and ditch the dude. Even if he's already given up or lost interest, making your own decision to move on will give you the closure you need.

 

[ido]

Honey I've been asking since Christmas, and he just won't talk to me. I've emailed and called, and all I get are these little one-liner answers every few days.

I just sent him one last email and said, if you want to continue talking, call me tonight. If you don't call, I'm done and I'll leave you alone and take that as a sign you aren't interested anymore. I'm done playing email tag; this is not how adults treat someone they care about.

I have a few guy friends that I talk to pretty regularly, but there are periods of time where we don't chat or email for several days at a time and they always give me a heads up if they're going to be offline for a few days or will send an email explaining - in fair detail - why they've been MIA.

Have you read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You"? It's secular but it's spot on about men and their behavior in relationships, IMO.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I predict that after you stop contacting him for a prolonged period of time, he will one day randomly contact you and say something lame like "hey long time no talk, how have you been... I've missed you... blahblah". When he does that don't write him back or write short one liner e-mails....

 

[ido]

I predict that after you stop contacting him for a prolonged period of time, he will one day randomly contact you and say something lame like "hey long time no talk, how have you been... I've missed you... blahblah". When he does that don't write him back or write short one liner e-mails....

I had a guy do this! I asked him what had caused him to fall off the face of the earth and he admitted that he was dating another girl at the same time and "thought he preferred blondes". I told him that I don't give guys second chances and that he should treat the women he dates the way he will want guys to treat his daughters when they're old enough to date. He got a little huffy about that.

 

[Inkachu]

Thanks FNG and Nutty. It's all in God's hands. I always pray that He'll take away the wrong ones, and oftentimes that's a painful thing to go through. I was hopeful about this one, though.

Life goes on, right?

 

[rdonovan1]

One interesting book that I can recommend is 'Hot Relationships' by Tracey Cox. That book seems to be pretty good and I would suggest that everyone read it.

Another good one is 'The Mating Game' by Pamela Regan. I would also recommend a book called 'The Mating Mind'.

I have been into and have been studying relationships for a long time from both sides of the fence because I was once introduced to seduction and attraction through what is called the pick up arts.

Basically all the pick up arts is, is a bunch of guys that got together and that starting studying seduction and attraction as they all wanted to improve their chances with women. The pick up arts is split in two because on one side of the fence there are guys whose only point is to get laid while the other side like myself tends to believe in creating better relationships.

Much of it is based upon psychology, human behavior, and sales & marketing concepts like influence and persuasion, but some of it is also based upon the works of psychiatrists like Dr. Milton Erickson and that the fields of cognitive and behavioral psychology as well.

The whole point of it all is to teach men to be more successful with women, but I personally believe that it is a two way street because women at the same time need to take the time to understand men and to adjust their thinking and behavior to accomodate men and to meet in the middle.

If men and women can't establish a common ground and be willing to meet each other in the middle, then the relationship is bound to fail.

In my book it is all about communication, romance, and mutual courtesy and respect for one another as without that no relationship can survive for very long at least not in a mature and healthy manner.

 

[Peacemonger]

I'm a big fan of direct, cut-the-crap, honesty. I'm not a fan of childish mind games. I'll respond to this post as if *I* were the guy who wrote those e-mails.

Anyway, I've always thought that there were plenty of "weird" or "strange" people on CF. I'm not trying to offend anyone or single anyone out -- it just seems that there is a huge dose of ODD in the people on CF -- especially the singles. Not everyone, just handfuls. It seems like there's a lot of clingy people, whiny people, and irrational people. There's a higher prevalance of people who are so dead set on finding "the one" (or anyone) that it completely consumes their lives. And when they do find someone, they sink their teeth into this person and never let go.

Anyway, speaking as a guy who had a fever the past couple days (but now just your average URI with productive cough and annoying sniffles), the very last thing I wanted to do was communicate with people. I don't want to meet people in person, I don't want to talk on the phone, and I don't want to e-mail or IM anybody. I only want to recover and feel better again.

When he sent the short e-mail: "Sorry, I've been sick," that was ridiculously succinct. He's sick! If he's the kind of God-loving human being who in in love with truth as I am, he really is ill! This explains the silence.

When you sent him the lengthy ultimatum e-mail saying there's no excuse for "complete silence for days at a time with no explanation," that doesn't make sense to me. Because, once again, if he is a truth-teller, then "I've been sick," or "Having a bad day here" are perfectly logical explanations. If I were the guy, and I received an ultimatum like that, the first thing to come to my mind would be "Wow, control freak. She's fallen way too hard, too fast, and we've never even met yet. She just won't leave me alone to recover from my illness as well as spend time with my family. She is like a dripping faucet in the middle of the night. The more she continues to be so clingy and demanding, the more turned off I will become of her. I really wish she wasn't like this. I just want to be left alone for a few days so I can be myself again."


All these conspiracies about flings or him being a jerk are possibilities -- once again, I'm not him and can't speak to his heart as well as honesty -- but it just seems to me that there is some overreacting going on, especially since this is just a silly online friendship.

 

[Inkachu]

I appreciate your input, Peace. Let me say this:

If I'm casual friends with a guy, I don't care about silences and absences.

This wasn't a casual friendship. This was something that was progressing pretty steadily towards romance, and like I said, the subject of arranging a face-to-face meeting had come up.

If he had said, 'I'm going to visit family, I'll talk to you when I can' I would've been fine with that. I am not a demanding, stalker-ish kind of girl, and I'm certainly not a control freak. But when you say 'I will call you later', I expect a call. Don't say it if you aren't going to do it. It's not unrealistic to expect people to follow their word. I don't expect anything unrealistic; just honesty and some basic respect.

And even if, for some reason, you become too busy to call later, at least have the decency to call or email the next day, knowing that someone was waiting and expecting to hear from you.

As for his email stating he was sick, that was over a week ago, and it was in the past tense - he WAS sick, hence his silence between Christmas and New Year's (supposedly, he didn't mention being sick when he emailed me Dec 27). Fair enough. I didn't give him any kind of ultimatum at that time. That WOULD have been ridiculous.

But I know for a fact that he's been back at work. Before Christmas, he was emailing me constantly throughout his day at work, and calling me, too. Now he isn't. And he won't tell me why, other than he's "busy". Even busy people get coffee breaks and go home at night.

It wasn't until today that I reached the end of my emotional rope. I'm a big girl. I can handle being told someone's not interested in me, or they want some time and space. Mysterious, cryptic silences are not a considerate or mature way to treat someone that you know is worried and concerned about you.

I am giving him every benefit of the doubt. I really, really, really liked him, and I want to keep liking him. I want to believe the things he said to me. I want to believe that he is honest and trustworthy and genuine. But by the same token, I don't want to be taken for a ride and treated like a fool.

Right now, I'm just waiting and leaving it in the Lords' hands.

 

[rdonovan1]

I'm a big fan of direct, cut-the-crap, honesty. I'm not a fan of childish mind games. I'll respond to this post as if *I* were the guy who wrote those e-mails.

Anyway, I've always thought that there were plenty of "weird" or "strange" people on CF. I'm not trying to offend anyone or single anyone out -- it just seems that there is a huge dose of ODD in the people on CF -- especially the singles. Not everyone, just handfuls. It seems like there's a lot of clingy people, whiny people, and irrational people. There's a higher prevalance of people who are so dead set on finding "the one" (or anyone) that it completely consumes their lives. And when they do find someone, they sink their teeth into this person and never let go.

Anyway, speaking as a guy who had a fever the past couple days (but now just your average URI with productive cough and annoying sniffles), the very last thing I wanted to do was communicate with people. I don't want to meet people in person, I don't want to talk on the phone, and I don't want to e-mail or IM anybody. I only want to recover and feel better again.

When he sent the short e-mail: "Sorry, I've been sick," that was ridiculously succinct. He's sick! If he's the kind of God-loving human being who in in love with truth as I am, he really is ill! This explains the silence.

When you sent him the lengthy ultimatum e-mail saying there's no excuse for "complete silence for days at a time with no explanation," that doesn't make sense to me. Because, once again, if he is a truth-teller, then "I've been sick," or "Having a bad day here" are perfectly logical explanations. If I were the guy, and I received an ultimatum like that, the first thing to come to my mind would be "Wow, control freak. She's fallen way too hard, too fast, and we've never even met yet. She just won't leave me alone to recover from my illness as well as spend time with my family. She is like a dripping faucet in the middle of the night. The more she continues to be so clingy and demanding, the more turned off I will become of her. I really wish she wasn't like this. I just want to be left alone for a few days so I can be myself again."


All these conspiracies about flings or him being a jerk are possibilities -- once again, I'm not him and can't speak to his heart as well as honesty -- but it just seems to me that there is some overreacting going on, especially since this is just a silly online friendship.

That's true, but you also need to take into consideration the amount of time that has passed.

Both you and I are both guys and we both know dog gone well that if we are not really interested in a woman then we are going to look elsewhere for someone else with the principal thought that if she is not going to put out then we will find some one that will.

That is in our biological nature and no amount of whining is going to change that.

In the book 'Marketing to women' which is written by a woman named Marti Barletta she talks about the differences between what drives men and women to make the decisions that they make.

Some of those differences including staying alive, mating, maximizing the number of offspring, and of course their favorite saying are like this.

His strategies:

Fight competitors for food, territory, and rank in the pack. (Higher ranking males get the first sitting at all meals and the best female companionship).

Fight off competitors like most mammals. In some species only alpha's get to mate or win female choice awards like most birds and reptiles. Be sure to fluff your feathers and to strut your stuff.

Mate often, with different females. The proverbial quickie is the safest way to not get caught with your prehistoric pants down. The more one night stands you have, the more shot you get at genetic immortality.


"Survival of the fittest".


Her Strategies.

Stay alive as long as possible. It's the best way to maximize the number of offspring born and to raise them to the point of self-sufficiency. Don't pick a lot of fights. You could get killed. You don't have to fight for mates, don't worry you'll have more suitors than you want. Do team up with other like minded females. Everyone gets more food and sometimes free baby-sitting.

Choose your mate carefully. You can only have so many pregnancies, so you have to get really good at reading nuances to judge suitors hardiness, genetic, compatibility, and success as providers.

Nuture offspring carefully. Thanks to the biological setup you don't get nearly as many chances as males to produce offspring. You have to make sure the ones you have make it. The best maternal instincts and mothering skills will pass on to the next generation.

"It takes a village".


Those are the basic mating strategies that men and women have and that is proven by just observing human nature and through evolunary psychology and I personally believe that for the most part it is right on the money and that is why I believe that most of what psychologists and psychiatrists say about us all being crazy is nothing but a lot of hogwash because everyone has these same basic patterns, so that tends to make me wonder and to question as to where many of these psychologists and psychiatrists get off at when they start interpreting basic human instinct and emotion and turning it all into some sort of pathology. Do they seem to think that they are above and beyond those same instincts, drives and emotions that drive the rest of us.

 

[rdonovan1]

Just a suggestion, but if people really want to understand as to why the opposite sex does things that you don't understand then it would probably be a good idea to look into things like evolutionary psychology, human behavior, and gender differences as you can generally learn a lot from it, but don't forget though that if it were not for God none of this would even exist in the first place.

 

[Peacemonger]

I appreciate your input, Peace. Let me say this:

If I'm casual friends with a guy, I don't care about silences and absences.

This wasn't a casual friendship. This was something that was progressing pretty steadily towards romance, and like I said, the subject of arranging a face-to-face meeting had come up.

If he had said, 'I'm going to visit family, I'll talk to you when I can' I would've been fine with that. I am not a demanding, stalker-ish kind of girl, and I'm certainly not a control freak. But when you say 'I will call you later', I expect a call. Don't say it if you aren't going to do it. It's not unrealistic to expect people to follow their word. I don't expect anything unrealistic; just honesty and some basic respect.

And even if, for some reason, you become too busy to call later, at least have the decency to call or email the next day, knowing that someone was waiting and expecting to hear from you.

As for his email stating he was sick, that was over a week ago, and it was in the past tense - he WAS sick, hence his silence between Christmas and New Year's (supposedly, he didn't mention being sick when he emailed me Dec 27). Fair enough. I didn't give him any kind of ultimatum at that time. That WOULD have been ridiculous.

But I know for a fact that he's been back at work. Before Christmas, he was emailing me constantly throughout his day at work, and calling me, too. Now he isn't. And he won't tell me why, other than he's "busy". Even busy people get coffee breaks and go home at night.

It wasn't until today that I reached the end of my emotional rope. I'm a big girl. I can handle being told someone's not interested in me, or they want some time and space. Mysterious, cryptic silences are not a considerate or mature way to treat someone that you know is worried and concerned about you.

I am giving him every benefit of the doubt. I really, really, really liked him, and I want to keep liking him. I want to believe the things he said to me. I want to believe that he is honest and trustworthy and genuine. But by the same token, I don't want to be taken for a ride and treated like a fool.

Right now, I'm just waiting and leaving it in the Lords' hands.

OK, I have a better idea of the time frame now. And I don't have any answers, and I don't think anyone here really does because none of us are him.

Best of luck. If I were you, I wouldn't contact him, since you already have several times. The ball is in his court.

 

[frenzy]

Ugh, I hate when guys do that. They show interest and then all of a sudden disappear and when you ask them for a reason, they find every way to avoid telling you the truth. I'm sorry he did that to you.

 

[rdonovan1]

OK, I have a better idea of the time frame now. And I don't have any answers, and I don't think anyone here really does because none of us are him.

Best of luck. If I were you, I wouldn't contact him, since you already have several times. The ball is in his court.

I agree. I think that the best idea for you is to move on and to look for someone else that you like. If he contacts you for any reason, then make him explain his actions to you and if he can offer you a good reason as to why you should forgive him and trust him, then do what you know is right and pray to God to help you decide as to what to do.

If he can't offer you a good explanation and reason, then you should move on to someone else, because chances are he is lying to you and if that is the case, then what assurances do you have that he would not lie to you later on when it really does matter even more.