29 & Never Dated

[DragonFox91]

Why are women not attracted to you? What kind of women do you pursue?

I can't generate a spark. I can't get past small-talk conversation. Then they move onto other men. They can generate a spark w/ them.

 

[MehGuy]

I can't generate a spark. I can't get past small-talk conversation. Then they move onto other men. They can generate a spark w/ them.

But you at least garner their interest?

 

[DragonFox91]

But you at least garner their interest?

Not after there's no spark.

I doubt it's interest that compels them to want to at least meet me. I think it's more them trying to be nice b/c they want to be a good person. They don't have their sight on me, they have it on other men.

 

[MehGuy]

Not after there's no spark.

I doubt it's interest that compels them to want to at least meet me. I think it's more them trying to be nice b/c they want to be a good person. They don't have their sight on me, they have it on other men.

How do you meet these women?

 

[DragonFox91]

How do you meet these women?

church groups, co-workers, co-worker friends, meet-up groups

One problem I'm running into is groups I'm trying are having a very bad man-to-woman ratio. Not sure where women hang, but it's evidently not church groups or meet-up groups.

For example, I tried an anxiety meet-up group this past summer, 7 men, 2 women (1 of the women queer, the other woman in a relationship). I want to try going to it again (I believe a woman that goes to my parent's church that I go to occasionally also goes to that group sometimes), but they stopped meeting when the weather got bad & they can't meet at a park outside anymore.

A church group me & my best friend have been going to for a few years now has an even worse ratio, 12-3, men-women.

I tried another church group a couple years ago. The ratio was better, but it wasn't a good fit. My voice got drowned out. I can't talk loud like they can w/out sounding like I'm yelling like I'm angry. Everyone was super-hyper in that group. I tried that group, from winter to Memorial Day weekend.

 

[ReesePiece23]

Blind post...

(And sorry everyone, I'm using a cricket analogy again.)

100% of my life failures came through caring too much and overthinking.

I had a great cricket season in 2009; I bowled out the best in the county as well as batsman from overseas. I had a great economy, rarely got hit to the boundary and generated MAD pace. What happened over winter? I overthought EVERYTHING because I knew people excepted me to be good. So I aimed to exceed their expectations.

What happened come the spring of 2010? Well, I couldn't hit a barn door with a bazooka. In fact, I'll never forget my first delivery of the season - I pulled it SO far right, that the guy at 2nd slip had to actually DIVE to catch it.

By the summer, my run up ended up feeling like the terminal 3 runway at Heathrow. My arm just wouldn't turn over and my hands wouldn't release the ball. I thought "if I analyse it MORE it'll get better" - it didn't. I sought coaching - it got worse. And in the end the anxiety got SO bad that I'd reach the popping crease and cancel the bowl three, maybe four times before I'd FINALLY let the ball go.

All I had to do was be natural and ditch the impostor syndrome - you don't NEED to be amazing, you just need to be authentic with amazing qualities (but mostly authentic, the rest will come when you learn to become comfortable in your own skin. Honestly.)

The point is this: you're probably a LOT more charismatic and interesting than you think, you're just stifling yourself with this mindset of "I'm 29 and haven't dated - and I should have by now" - but WHY? Who says? And why is it a negative thing?

Then you beat yourself up with these self limiting thoughts, and create this false reality. Rinse and repeat that enough? And that false reality becomes TRUE because you've made vows with it. (That's the good thing about vows, they CAN be broken - just check the Married Couples forum.)

I think you should ease up on yourself a LOT. Talent, intelligence, confidence, communication and personality are ALL pursued interests. You won't obtain all that you want overnight, but it WILL start by placing a higher value on yourself.

 

[DragonFox91]

All I had to do was be natural and ditch the impostor syndrome - you don't NEED to be amazing, you just need to be authentic with amazing qualities (but mostly authentic, the rest will come when you learn to become comfortable in your own skin. Honestly.)

The point is this: you're probably a LOT more charismatic and interesting than you think,

Yes, yes, yes, yes! Agreed! That's true. & that's why it's frustrating a lot of advice usually 'work on yourself, improve yourself. Exercise. Work on your career. Learn to cook. Blah Blah Blah' just seems like it's not really advice b/c my problem isn't that I'm not interesting, it's that I don't have it, whatever that it is they're looking for. I tell my friend I feel like I could be a billionaire & I still wouldn't get interest.

you're just stifling yourself with this mindset of "I'm 29 and haven't dated - and I should have by now" - but WHY? Who says? And why is it a negative thing?

Because I don't like it.

Then you beat yourself up with these self limiting thoughts, and create this false reality. Rinse and repeat that enough? And that false reality becomes TRUE because you've made vows with it. (That's the good thing about vows, they CAN be broken - just check the Married Couples forum.) You won't obtain all that you want overnight, but it WILL start by placing a higher value on yourself.

Yes, yes, yes, yes! Those self-limiting thoughts aren't good, & they're bad, but they're reinforced when I come into contact w/ women. It's a vicious, vicious cycle

 

[DragonFox91]

church groups, co-workers, co-worker friends, meet-up groups

One problem I'm running into is groups I'm trying are having a very bad man-to-woman ratio. Not sure where women hang, but it's evidently not church groups or meet-up groups.

For example, I tried an anxiety meet-up group this past summer, 7 men, 2 women (1 of the women queer, the other woman in a relationship). I want to try going to it again (I believe a woman that goes to my parent's church that I go to occasionally also goes to that group sometimes), but they stopped meeting when the weather got bad & they can't meet at a park outside anymore.

A church group me & my best friend have been going to for a few years now has an even worse ratio, 12-3, men-women.

I tried another church group a couple years ago. The ratio was better, but it wasn't a good fit. My voice got drowned out. I can't talk loud like they can w/out sounding like I'm yelling like I'm angry. Everyone was super-hyper in that group. I tried that group, from winter to Memorial Day weekend.

As I thought might happen, the bolded was the problem at the 18-29 age group ministry I went to today. There was 5 of us, plus the leader, one woman married, the other woman left before I had a chance to talk to her.

Predictable.

I'm going to keep going, it seems like a good fit, & they said there's usually a few more.

I get the point isn't to meet a wife, but jeeze, I feel like I don't even get thrown a bone.

Meeting single women is a challenge.

 

[MehGuy]

As I thought might happen, the bolded was the problem at the 18-29 age group ministry I went to today. There was 5 of us, plus the leader, one woman married, the other woman left before I had a chance to talk to her.

Predictable.

I'm going to keep going, it seems like a good fit, & they said there's usually a few more.

I get the point isn't to meet a wife, but jeeze, I feel like I don't even get thrown a bone.

Meeting single women is a challenge.

That's odd. Because I thought on average more women were into religion than men. Been a good 14 years since I've been in a church though.

 

[DragonFox91]

That's odd. Because I thought on average more women were into religion than men. Been a good 14 years since I've been in a church though.

I don't know what to say. I haven't seen that. It's the same issue at other church groups I've gone to consistently.

 

[bèlla]

.

 

[DragonFox91]

I wonder if it's b/c I"m in the age group that's still maturing spiritually. But I'd think that'd affect men & women both?

Single women your age aren't looking for men in church unless they attend a large one with a vibrant community for singles. College groups, online dating, and local interests are the usual stomping grounds.

Do you have a local Christian college? Their events and services attract a younger demographic.

I live near one. The last church I attended was comprised of attendees 35 and under. Roughly 80%. It was very distracting!

Yours in His Service,

~bella

There are 2 Christian colleges basically right across the street from this church. One of the guys I was talking to attended one of those colleges, the married couple might've graduated from it, I know the leader graduated from one of them.

They said usually they get some of the colleges' students in the class. It's hard to tell how COVID's affecting things. I said everything seems closed but churches, so why not go to church?

The age demographic in this group is fine, & the church in general, it's the lack of single women in my dating age range that appears might be an issue, just as it has been in past groups I've tried

I don't think it's a good idea attending those college's services & events.

Why on earth wouldn't they be looking in a church? They should be attending it anyways, regardless of if they're wanting to date. College groups, I'm too old for those now, dating sites are useless, & local interest groups I've tried also have horrible man-to-woman ratios.

 

[DragonFox91]

It's so frustrating.

 

[bèlla]

.

 

[DragonFox91]

What we're you doing before Covid? Did you have hobbies and interests you pursued? Did you have an active social life?

Hobbies & interests, yes. Social life, Go out w/ co-workers occasionally, go to church groups, meet up w/ my friend, meet up w/ my brother & his friend, try meet up groups, I had one female friend I had met online for a while that just ended. It's there, I meet people, not a lot but I do, & it's definitely not leading to meeting single women.

If you're consistently seeing the same result why do you expect something different?

What am I supposed to be doing?

You're dependent on their presence to meet prospects. But that may not be the case for them. I didn't look in church. That's too much work. I can set up a profile and attract the man I want. Otherwise, I'm choosing what's available.

The more flexibility you have the wider you cast your net. A person who's limited to local prospects isn't in the same category as someone who isn't. The latter will probably go online and see what happens. That's what I did.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

That's good dating sites work for you. They don't for a lot of men & women. They don't work for me. I try them. I wish it was easy as you say.

 

[bèlla]

.

 

[DragonFox91]

How many activities exposed you to the opposite sex and how often?

Not many.

But I try to go to places to meet them but they're not there.

You don't believe you're good enough. You expect to be passed over. That's the message playing in your head. You define yourself by your limitations. I didn't.

Even when my body collapsed. I never said I was disabled, worthless, or unlovable. I dated with two incurable diseases. They didn't alter my beauty, personality, or intelligence. They assailed my flesh. But that doesn't make me useless.

I never loved stopped loving bella. You need to fall in love with the dragon. That's half your battle.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

PS. And you thought I didn't understand.

If we're talking about online dating, that's what happens when I try messaging them. That's a fact.

Even when my body collapsed. I never said I was disabled, worthless, or unlovable. I dated with two incurable diseases.
PS. And you thought I didn't understand.

Hmm, maybe you do

 

[bèlla]

.

 

[DragonFox91]

You're consumed with meeting singles instead of enjoying your singleness. Happiness is a huge magnet. If you spent less time stressing about this and took advantage of the opportunities to try to something new or explore an interest you'd have more experiences to draw from.

When you're desperate you project the same. People can sense it. You don't wanna be the guy or girl every one avoids. You've gotta chill. I know it's hard. The anxiety is spilling out. Don't think you're hiding it.

Check out this thread. Look at the stuff he's experiencing.

I'm not trying to hide it. I need so much help w/ this.

How is my happiness being single going to be a magnet if I'm not actually meeting single women?

Online dating is a woman's market. Given what you've shared I wouldn't recommend it. The rejection exacerbates your insecurity. Intimate settings and blind dates are better. Just because you're a woman doesn't mean its a slam dunk. There's a lot of women in your shoes.

My definition of success is a yes. They're willing to be with you or make you theirs. That's the first step. Establishing your position is second. If the person can see themselves with you long-term they'll admit it. Not the one day spiel. They'll discuss the realities of merging your lives and what it means. That's the preamble to the question. The final step is the ring.

Many go awry by confusing the spiel with the second step. "One day" is not a valid response for someone who really wants you. They've been rolling it around in their head well before they admit it.

So if I'm not to try online dating, I'm getting too old for university groups, & the guy:girl ratio at interest groups is horrible, how am I supposed to improve my situation???

Riddle me this. When you get a girl what's the next issue? This triggers your anxiety. What will you replace with it? I think you'll freak out about the relationship. Worrying about the future, if she leaves you, and so on.
I have no clue. I don't get anxious about losing my friendships.

I guess maybe I can be so private, so that's one. I'd imagine by the time we're actually dating tho, she knows enough about me it wouldn't be as an issue. Does she love my scars & quirks?

You need better coping strategies. Otherwise, the reactance will never cease. You'll exchange one dilemma for the next and never have peace.

Yours in His Service,
~bella

What, tho?

 

[MehGuy]

I don't know what to say. I haven't seen that. It's the same issue at other church groups I've gone to consistently.

Do you think some of this is due to the coronavirus? Men tend to be more pig headed and adventurous than women. This might explain some of the gender disparity at these meetings?