29 & Never Dated

Sketcher said:

That's literally depression. But you know what makes that worse? When you get in a bad relationship that breaks you. I don't know if you have friends that have divorced. I do. One of them had depression before his relationship, but after it fell apart and he got divorced, it was much worse, even years afterwards. If you don't fix yourself, your brokenness will poison the relationship that you want so badly.


Oh, heck no. Codependency is not a healthy partnership at all.
Codependent relationships: Symptoms, warning signs, and behavior

So this is no longer about what you would have with a partner if you had one - this is about what you imagine your friends and her friends would think if you couldn't be together. I don't know if I ever felt bad for any of my married friends when they were on business trips or whatnot that separated them from their spouses. It was more of an opportunity to hang out with them, and for some that may have needed it, keep them from sliding into cheating or excessive drinking.

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bèlla said:

It isn't my intention to be harsh. If my words sting I apologize.

Note: I'm addressing your question and other observations in my response. Just a heads up.

I don't believe in coddling. Especially in situations where long-term damage is a possibility. The problem isn't singleness. It appears that way on the surface. But the greater issue you're struggling with is discontentment. You aren't satisfied with your life. Some of it is tied to your self-esteem and experiences. Expectations play a part as do connections.

You would improve your condition if you had a combination of therapy, people praying on your behalf, encouragement, and mature believers who've accomplished what you're seeking or are a little further than you.

If all your associations are in the same boat that's a problem. They can't tell you how to move forward. Because they haven't figured it out. You're more likely to hear feedback that reinforces your circumstances than those that challenge your behavior. They don't want to hurt your feelings.

But sometimes the truth isn't pretty. We need uncomfortable revelations to shake us from our stupor. The sandpaper moments that irritate and liberate. In this instance, tough love is best.

The elephant in the room you haven't confronted is two-fold. You've made a woman your life's breath. She's your oxygen. Without her life is meaningless. You've surrendered your power and dignity in the hope she'll treasure you and fill the void. By ceding control in your person you're handing her the reins. She'll assert her authority over time.

Because you've convinced yourself you can't live without her. You'll do everything you can to maintain the bond. You'll bend and contort yourself until you're unrecognizable. You'll despise yourself while craving her and heighten your discontent. It hasn't vanished.

You will discover in the course of the connection that you misjudged her and yourself. You'll realize the solution wasn't a woman. It was bringing your emptiness to God and allowing Him to fill it. By putting another in His place; you've denied yourself the healing He'd bring if you'd yield.

You're bending to the wrong one. You need to cry out to Him and stop crying for her. You need to get whole to provide the wisdom and insight you lack. Otherwise you'll operate from your ache and select the wrong companion. Weakness will be your downfall.



As Jordan Sparks said, how can you breathe with no air? How can you stand if you're relying on another to do it for you? If you require her to be erect. How will you support her when she's flailing? You can't. Because she's carrying you both.

You're placing the burden of your welfare, happiness, and relationship on her shoulders. That's unloving. You're treating her like an ox. Not a wife. You're supposed to share the burden. Not dump it in the other's lap and expect them to fix it.

More importantly, it's unkind to pawn a wounded animal on someone else. If we valued our companions and loved them the way we're supposed to. We'd do all we could to clean up our mess before meeting. That doesn't mean you'll fix everything. But the effort counts.

The more baggage you remove the greater your chances for happiness. If you're resting on your laurels and ignoring the calamity you've created. Your inaction speaks volumes. Inertia isn't Christlike. It's selfish.

You aren't avoiding the problem. You're paying it forward. Only then, you'll have two more to deal with. Hers and the collective. Now your hands are full. But you did it to yourself.

Singleness isn't a period of lethargy, escapism, or endless brooding. It's a time of expectant preparation for the thing you've prayed for. If you're sitting on your hands you don't believe its coming. You don't think the prayer was answered.

If you truly believe God is bringing you a wife. A bone of your bone and flesh of your flesh companion. You'd work your butt off. You wouldn't spare anything for the privilege of calling her yours.

But if 20 looks like 30 and 30 looks like 40 you're lying to yourself. You're not waiting on God. You're stuck. If you want to get unstuck. Handle your business.

Take your head out the sand. Pull your mind out the clouds. Stop chasing fantasies and get real with yourself. Pick up the mirror and see what you've become. Is that husband material? Are you ready for a wife?

Are you prepared to love, honor, and serve unselfishly? If not, what's holding you back? Deal with it. And keep tackling the stumbling blocks. The impediments to love within and around you.

After awhile you won't recognize yourself. The old is no more and the new has come. Bring God into the process. He knows the way forward. Your way ain't working. Until you realize it isn't working. You'll have another decade under your belt. The choice is yours.

L'Chaim. To life.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

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TenthAveN said:

I’ll tell you from experience that it isn’t the same as a friendship ending. You aren’t romantically attached to a friend. Your body and mind react differently. When my first actual girlfriend broke up with me, I immediately went and cried. I don’t remember if I cried after that night, but at that point in my life I rarely cried. So again, it’s not the same. You may react differently, so I can’t say for sure if it will affect you as much.

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Sketcher said:

I've ended friendships too, the difference between them and unrequited love is massive. It's good that you have some standards, most people do. Understand that my heart in this is for you to do well here. You're embarking on a journey that I embarked on 12 years ago, and I still qualify to post here. From what you described you seem primed to make the same mistakes, so I am trying to warn you about them ahead of time so that maybe things will go better for you during this window of opportunity.

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bèlla said:

How did you know? Chew on that. What happened?

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bèlla said:

Why did you want a girlfriend at a young age? What were you hoping to gain from the connection?

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bèlla said:

The bigger question is why a child desired someone special. What triggered the need for acceptance from the opposite sex. Some children develop an affinity for another child. But this experience wounded you and left you feeling you're unwanted. You've carried since that time.

You wanted ownership at a time when you weren't mature enough to handle it. You sought solace in her arms. That's very adult behavior for a little one. I've seen similar actions with young mothers. They have a baby to secure the love they didn't receive from their parents. The baby is a surrogate and they pour themselves into the child in the hope they'll love them always.

Ask the Lord for healing. Begin praying against the spirit of rejection, loneliness, and heaviness. You have to tackle it on natural and spiritual planes. I'd like you to pray 1 Corinthians 13 for the rest of month. But personalize it. Pray it aloud.

For example,

My love is patient and kind
My love does not envy or boast
My love is not arrogant or rude

It's a prayer and declaration. If you feel hesitation around a passage. Take note. That may be an area that's blocked. The prayer will nourish your spirit and comfort you.

I'll pray too and see if I get something.

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bèlla said:

I knew it would happen.

The Lord gave me that exercise several years ago when I was standing for someone in prayer. He'd try to push my buttons and I turned the other cheek. But I was reaching my breaking point. He wanted me to be the bigger person in the scenario. I prayed it for 30 days and found my way to agape.

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bèlla said:

Waiting is hard. But the alternative is worse. You can choose escapism and fantasize about someone you'll never have. Or attach yourself to someone who doesn't feel the same. Watching a person exchange the truth for a lie is sad. You know they're deceived.

Some people chided me for standing in prayer for one in need. They felt I should focus on myself, meet a guy, and so on. But in the course of my service the Lord did many things. I received my healing, calling, and alignments. He was putting things in place on my behalf.

At the end of my service He revealed my next assignment and provided a ten year plan. Two years later He told me I was heading overseas. Last year He reminded me of a task and prayer requests. I was told to write down all the things I desired. I used to spend hours interceding for others and was too tired to pray for myself at the end. He changed the format and had me pray the list for a time. I forgot about it and the requests too. But I wrote them down.

When I looked at the lists I was shocked. Little by little He brought them to pass. I didn't realize it. I was focused on Him. The same was true with prayer requests. Beholding His favor was dramatic. It taught me an important lesson.

The sacrifices were minimal in deference to the rewards. Nothing I relinquished compares to His return. He returned it in spades. Doing things His way won't always make sense to onlookers. But that's okay. You listen to Him. He won't lead you astray.

So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. But someone will say, “You have faith and I have works.” Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works.

If you believe the Lord called you to marriage. Truly believe. Then its done. You walk in the expectation of its fulfillment. That's the premise behind my thread.

Many singles 'believe' they're meant to marry. But their actions tell a different story. They're too depressed, lethargic, and unbalanced. That's akin to declaring a major and choosing courses haphazardly.

You wouldn't do that. You'd select the classes best suited for your goal. You'd develop the skills that enhance your proficiency. You'd do all of this for a job. How much more for your spouse? The person you've pledged yourself to before God.

We spend more time preparing for careers than the one we love. And you wonder why so many fail? I don't. You reap what you sow. Sow sparingly and you'll reap the same.

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bèlla said:

I
I encountered someone who believed I was the one for him. No measure of reasoning could change his mind. All the time he spent pining for me the Lord was talking to me about another man. And preparing me to be with him.

If you want the Lord to build the house you have to take your hands off. You can't do it and tell Him to bless it. You may include elements He'd never add.

I had a prayer partner who frequently complained about her husband. One day I remembered a situation from my past and posed a question. How did you marry an alcoholic in your thirties? It wasn't pretty. But I knew a girl whose mother did the same. And a light bulb came on.

The circumstances were identical. She didn't know him well. They married in a month. The girl's mother did the same in two weeks. In their haste to be wed they aligned themselves with a problem. They endured a lot of heartache because of it.

Whenever you get ahead of God a crash is coming.



I stumbled on a chat room in my twenties. It provided many lessons I've never forgotten. Especially relational ones. There were many singles on the site. But the majority were married. They were there everyday. Sometimes all day. I befriended my share and heard their stories.

The site was filling a void. It was the third wheel in their relationship that compensated for what they lacked. You need to understand time to catch it. We have 168 hours in a week. Give yourself 56 for sleep and you're left with 112. Take away 40 for work and an 5 extra for the commute. You're down to 67. You have to eat and dress. We'll subtract 10 for five days. Now you're at 57. The weekend gives you 32 (with sleep removed).

That leaves 25. In the course of five days when you remove work, sleep, meals, and your toilette you have 25 hours at your disposal. Give or take a few depending on your circumstances. With the sliver that remains all you can think of is hanging out online? A working household doesn't have many hours. Even when a spouse remains at home.

When you do the math you realize the truth. Most couples don't spend much time together. And a happy pair wouldn't spend their morsel in front of a computer. Because it's limited. They'd make the most of the small moments and look forward to the bigger portion on the weekend.

The people who spent the most time on the site were the unhappiest. Many had empty marriages and more than a few had affairs or were heading that way. Children were neglected. Meals went unmade. They subsisted on the venue. Some came in during the day while at work. Especially teachers.

The ones who were home all day were the worst. They weren't building skills, learning something new, or doing anything productive. They were wasting time while their husband worked. It never dawned on them to do something different. To be industrious.

But I encountered a difference later on. They realized the folly of spending their days on the Internet. Doing nothing. They applied their time and energy to profitable pursuits and the Lord blessed them. Not a little. A whole lot.

All my Christian business associates retired their husbands. Every one of them. None of them began as entrepreneurs. But the Lord rewarded their efforts. Their spouses are free to do the things they love. To pursue work for His glory.

That's the kind of woman you want. That's Proverbs 31 in the flesh. She's worth waiting for

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bèlla said:

That's an excellent approach. The prayer can be used on yourself and others. That's how I prayed it. My love for X is patient. Directing it towards another softens the heart. It's useful during difficult moments or to reinforce your heart. I've done both.



Patient because He knows your heart and will provide the help meet you need.



Yep.



Same here. I was very different a few years ago. Being in a Christian environment changed me. That was bothersome to someone who knew me well. He said I sounded fanciful. My writing shifted. I didn't understand what he meant but now I do. The ground was lacking and the fire was gone.



We'll spend the rest of our lives growing. We never stop if we're diligent. Everyone has areas of strength and struggle. Being alone is difficult at the moment. But that doesn't mean you'll feel the same at year's end. Perspective is key. One day at a time.



Getting married is easy. Having a happy marriage takes effort. Your willingness to prepare is commendable. You don't realize what that means. To hear a man share his triumphs and investments in his betterment and welfare are priceless. Because he's looking beyond himself and providing me a better companion. He wasn't wasteful. That isn't commonplace.

If you surrender the process to Him He'll let you know. It will come up in your quiet time and prayer. Some changes you can make alone and others occur in partnership. As you increase your confidence and lean into Him you'll attract notice.



I would pray until I received an answer or had peace on the subject. Wholeness is attractive. Your openness and transparency is an asset. You aren't afraid to bear yourself. Don't change that. Relating is more fulfilling when you don't have to extract answers from the other person.

As you steep your mind in the Lord and attend to your spirit and natural man, you'll see changes and doors will open. Not immediately. But you'll stand taller and occupy greater space in a room. You won't walk in rejection and loneliness. You'll move in victory. The energy you project will draw its complement.



Yes I do. But I have a different dilemma. The men I dated are behavioral extremes as am I. Dating alphas skewed my view of men. I expect qualities which may not be the norm in my companion. That's what I'm accustomed to.

Adjusting isn't easy. I've outgrown a lot. Readiness is appealing. I know who I am, what I want, and where I'm going. I want a man who can say the same.

I'm not trying to send a man through an obstacle course, make him jump through hoops, or interview the heck out him. I'm not looking for safety. I'm looking for fit.

No is liberating. You save a lot of time. You can focus your attention elsewhere.



Nothing is worth a bad connection. Being alone is better. Most of my previous friends weren't believers. But the women were very surrendered. I miss that. We inspired one another. I had to spend money to recapture it.

You've made a lot of progress. Keep up the good work!

Yours in His Service,

~bella

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