29 & Never Dated

[DragonFox91]

I shed a few tears last night.

I feel better today. I can't help but thinking on good days tho it's just a fake happiness & the real problem hasn't been solved

 

[DragonFox91]

I feel hopeless

 

[DragonFox91]

I hate this so much. Why is finding interested woman so hard? Why am I so hopeless w/ this? I make zero progress, have literally made zero progress w/ this my whole life. I want it to be over.

 

[bèlla]

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[DragonFox91]

This morning I went to the service at the church that has the singles ministry I want to go to (next week it starts). I talked to an older couple for a bit & then the pastor for a while. It went well. Hopefully it does next week too.

 

[DragonFox91]

I felt so good after church. now I feel horrible. Just hopeless & helpless. I hate this so much

 

[bèlla]

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[Sketcher]

This morning I went to the service at the church that has the singles ministry I want to go to (next week it starts). I talked to an older couple for a bit & then the pastor for a while. It went well. Hopefully it does next week too.

It can be a good step, but it's probably not a quick fix to your situation. Just so you're aware.

 

[DragonFox91]

Have you spoken to a doctor? Your emotions swing up and down. Maybe there's a medical reason for that.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

I don't want to make the want go away. It is my dream & it's bad to snuff out your dream.

The most I'd be willing to do is see a shrink about it. (I already see a Christian counselor. He's helpful about Bible topics & Christian living, but is less of a help on this particular topic). But a professional I've seen in the past essentially just laughed it off & told me I'm still young & to see him when I'm 50.

It can be a good step, but it's probably not a quick fix to your situation. Just so you're aware.

After 29 years I've learned there could be no fixes.

 

[Sketcher]

After 29 years I've learned there could be no fixes.

OK. If that's the case, you should accept it fully enough so that you're not disappointed when you don't have a girlfriend after every weekly meeting. That essentially happened to me for a while.

 

[DragonFox91]

OK. If that's the case, you should accept it fully enough so that you're not disappointed when you don't have a girlfriend after every weekly meeting. That essentially happened to me for a while.

Hey, I'm always disappointed about my situation w/ this, but I definitely need to remember your advice the first few meetings tho especially, especially if the group doesn't seem like it might be a good fit, that these things can take some time.

This early in the game I am hoping I can just build an acquaintenance-ship, or 'group-only' female friend. Either would be a nice step forward (unfortunately I've only ever had a few couple-year-lived female friendships in my life, so that wouldn't be quite the giant step it would've been a few years ago, but would still be a really nice step forward). Hopefully that's not too much to ask for.

I'm also hoping the group does more stuff outside of weekly meetings on a consistent basis, & isn't just a 'say hi once a week on Sundays' type thing.

 

[Sketcher]

This early in the game I am hoping I can just build an acquaintenance-ship, or 'group-only' female friend. Either would be a nice step forward (unfortunately I've only ever had a few couple-year-lived female friendships in my life, so that wouldn't be quite the giant step it would've been a few years ago, but would still be a really nice step forward). Hopefully that's not too much to ask for.

If you're a decent person and socially competent, that can happen over time. But it won't satisfy, trust me.

I'm also hoping the group does more stuff outside of weekly meetings on a consistent basis, & isn't just a 'say hi once a week on Sundays' type thing.

That would be the best kind of group, though that sort of thing ebbs and flows over time, and right now there's a pandemic which limits options for meeting or going out together. If you want a social life, a group like this can provide one. That doesn't automatically mean you'll get a girlfriend out of it though. Receive what the group can reliably give you - good times, and possible opportunities for service.

 

[bèlla]

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[DragonFox91]

If you're a decent person and socially competent, that can happen over time. But it won't satisfy, trust me.

I've only ever had a few short-lived female friendships. The desire for a girlfriend doesn't go away, but the sadness/loneliness goes down dramatically

That would be the best kind of group, though that sort of thing ebbs and flows over time, and right now there's a pandemic which limits options for meeting or going out together. If you want a social life, a group like this can provide one. That doesn't automatically mean you'll get a girlfriend out of it though. Receive what the group can reliably give you - good times, and possible opportunities for service.

Short-term, that can be fine for now.

The desire to marry isn't the issue. It's your difficulty coping with singleness that's the problem. Dating doesn't mean you're heading to the altar. How would you handle a breakup?

Yours in His Service,

~bella

You're right. I don't handle coping w/ singleness well. In fact, I handle it horribly.

Breakup would mean I've made giant strides & finally broke my curse of no GF. But I don't see how it'd be any different than a friendship ending. Friendships ending aren't always fun either, don't get me wrong.

 

[Sketcher]

I've only ever had a few short-lived female friendships. The desire for a girlfriend doesn't go away, but the sadness/loneliness goes down dramatically

Short-term, that can be fine for now.

You're right. I don't handle coping w/ singleness well. In fact, I handle it horribly.

Breakup would mean I've made giant strides & finally broke my curse of no GF. But I don't see how it'd be any different than a friendship ending. Friendships ending aren't always fun either, don't get me wrong.

I once thought like that, and it still didn't spare me from the disappointment when I wasn't being actively rejected, or the heartbreak of rejection when I was. You have been warned.

 

[bèlla]

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[DragonFox91]

You will interpret the breakup as failure and be more miserable than you are. Now you know what you're missing. Your inability to cope with singleness creates a dilemma. It has to work. You'll do everything you can to make it work so you don't have to return to your previous state.

I don't know about more miserable. Just a different kind of miserable. I don't like my current situation at all.

 

[bèlla]

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[DragonFox91]

Dating isn’t a cure-all nor is marriage. If you aren’t happy that won’t magically change with partnership. You’ll bring everything you’re carrying into the connection.

You’re expecting the relationship to fill the void. No one can fix the hole inside of you. That’s God’s domain.

While I understand the desire for companionship. I don’t agree with basing your happiness on its arrival. You’re making it an idol or an orbit and that’s imbalanced.

If you aren’t content being alone. If your life isn’t meaningful without a partner you aren’t whole. You’re codependent.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

Hard words, but I understand. You speak a lot of wisdom. Unfortunately it can affect me even when I'm in a situation I should be really happy, like a vacation for example or w/ family. & that's definitely not good.

I just feel like being content about it means I have to get rid of the want, & that it'd be easier to be content about it if I didn't feel so hopeless about it ever happening. I also thought relationships are supposed to be codependent? Why is it okay for me to be upset about being alone but when a couple are apart for a week & they miss each other, everyone feels sad for them they're apart & miss each other? I feel like that all the time.

 

[Sketcher]

Hard words, but I understand. You speak a lot of wisdom. Unfortunately it can affect me even when I'm in a situation I should be really happy, like a vacation for example or w/ family. & that's definitely not good.

That's literally depression. But you know what makes that worse? When you get in a bad relationship that breaks you. I don't know if you have friends that have divorced. I do. One of them had depression before his relationship, but after it fell apart and he got divorced, it was much worse, even years afterwards. If you don't fix yourself, your brokenness will poison the relationship that you want so badly.

I also thought relationships are supposed to be codependent?

Oh, heck no. Codependency is not a healthy partnership at all.
Codependent relationships: Symptoms, warning signs, and behavior

Why is it okay for me to be upset about being alone but when a couple are apart for a week & they miss each other, everyone feels sad for them they're apart & miss each other? I feel like that all the time.

So this is no longer about what you would have with a partner if you had one - this is about what you imagine your friends and her friends would think if you couldn't be together. I don't know if I ever felt bad for any of my married friends when they were on business trips or whatnot that separated them from their spouses. It was more of an opportunity to hang out with them, and for some that may have needed it, keep them from sliding into cheating or excessive drinking.