Give "Bad" Advice (2)

Take some sand-paper and viciously scrub the area in your cheek where the wire cuts into it. Eventually the sand-paper will cause a huge callous to form and you won't even feel the braces poking your cheek!

What's the best way to deflate an air mattress?

Girl, you know you have to poke big holes in it to deflate it super fast!

How can I get a really good bargain on firewood?

Best way I know how is to grow your own forest. You better get started now. It takes a couple years for those trees to get big enough to be worth chopping down.

If I can't find what I want on Amazon, how am I supposed to buy it?

I suggest calling the toll-free Amazon ph# over and over yapping at them about what they lack. Choose one specific sales agent and ask for that person each time you call. You can also send enough emails to clog up their inbox demanding they supply you with what you want. If you're lucky, the police will deliver your item to your door along with the restraining order.

Any suggestions on how to keep my fingernails from cracking in winter & ultimately snapping off??

Cover them in marine grade fiberglass canvass and coat in marine grade epoxy. I guarantee they will not chip or break in any way. This will last you all winter. Good luck getting it off in spring.

How can I stay awake in my mid afternoon fatigue when I have to run those daily errands?

Buy yourself one of those electric shock devices and hook it to your neocortex. Program it to give you a buzz every few minutes. For better effect, take your socks off and stand in water with a hair dryer in your hand. You'll never fall asleep again.

I'm moving soon and need to tell my current loud & nasty landlord that I'm tired of her cr*p and I'm leaving..

You say she's loud and nasty. Only way to deal with this is on equal footing. Get yourself one of those bullhorns, write a big speech, and stand in front of her office or house or wherever she is at the moment, and be just as loud and nasty as she is. She will probably be convicted in her soul and ask if she can come join your Bible study group.

My kids are hungry, and I have no energy to cook or drive to some restaurant.

Ask your neighbours over

How can I make people think I'm responsible?

forest flower said:

How can I make people think I'm responsible?

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Burn the neighbour's house down. When the police visit, tell them you're responsible.

How should I clear the snow off my driveway?

Get a lot of plastic cups and start filling them up with snow! Snow is made out of water and you're probably dehydrated anyway - Especially if you live in the USA. According to North Korea, you need to eat lots of snow. And hopefully there's lots of birds left in your area for a snack. Please see special documentation on this below: North Korean documentary on American Poverty - DPRK propaganda - YouTube
QUESTION: I can't afford snow tires, how do I make my summer tires work better in the snow?

Pour boiling water on them to slice the snow. Thanks for the advice, wire has caused a callous so I don't need the sand paper.

How can I become a millionaire in one week?

Hack into the New York Stock Exchange and get lots of insider trading information. Then invest in those stocks you know are about to make a killing. Be sure to cover your tracks! If you don't like that idea then try manual labour = Rob as many banks consecutively as you can till you reach the $1000000 mark!

How can a person protect themselves from solar storms and harmful radiation?

I have special suits for sale that will protect you from those things. They are kind of expensive, but that is the price you pay for being safe. They cost $5000and one suit should last you about a month. Let me know how many you want and what sizes.

I have sore muscles but I have some exercises I need to do. How can I endure the pain?

If you soak in a bathtub full of ice for 1 hour just prior to exercising, you won't feel a thing! If you don't like that idea, then inject yourself with steroids - they will make most your body numb and also give you wonderfully puffed up biceps as well as a nice round & full poufy face

What's the best way to whiten one's teeth?

slosh 5 times daily with general household bleach.

seriously though I'd swish with peroxide every 4 days or so (make sure you dont swallow any) and It works quite well plus I didnt get a cold for almost 2 years!

I just had to pay $1400 for household propane... its still snowing and we are roofers. Ideas on ways to generate money?

Cut the propane connections to your neighbours homes and then sell it back to them at double the cost. You'll be rich and able to quit your roofing jobs - build an indoor pool with the extra income & fill it with propane too

I may have to live in a cardboard box for awhile - what's the best way to keep the interior warm?

Light a fire.

How can I stop my dog ripping up the grass?

Plant a few live wires here and there among the blades of grass. That always works on my dog.

How can I feel more motivated to clean off my desk?

Just knock everything to the floor with one swipe.

How can I test an electrical outlet with a fork?