Give "Bad" Advice (2)

[Matthew-59]

Ceylon cinnamon. Where can I get some?

I would suggest you look around in an adult bookstore.

Who should I call to fix a broken window?

 

[lucypevensie]

If there is anyone to call, I always recommend calling Ghostbusters first.

Any way I can make my Kindle battery last a little longer?

 

[forest flower]

Dip it in lithium.

What is the best thing to eat after getting braces?

 

[lucypevensie]

You will probably be in dire need of comfort at this time. Eat what makes you feel happiest. For most people this is candy or bubble gum. Or a steak dinner with corn-on-the-cob and potato chips.


Tips for getting my dog to stop eating paper out of the garbage?

 

[captainkate]

Instead of putting your garbage in a trash can. Stuff it between your mattresses. Then, the dog can't get it!


What's the best method for combing knots out of my Child's hair?

 

[MastersPiece]

You don't need a comb! Wash her hair in an electric mixing bowl with the beaters on high speed, then stuff her in the clothes dryer to get it straightened out

How do I keep my laptop computer from over heating?

 

[lucypevensie]

Pour a glass of ice-cold water over the keyboard. It will cool right down, I guarantee it.

How do I shorten a pair of pants for my son?

 

[captainkate]

hahaaha!
These are great.

 

[captainkate]

Stretch him on a rack until you get the right length for his pants.

What's the best way to tell a friend his breath isn't kosher?

 

[lucypevensie]

Instead of being blunt and rude about it and saying, "Dude, your breath is foul", be more subtle. Walk past, stop, sniff the air, wave your hand in front of your face and say, "Gross! What's that stench? Smells like someone's beath isn't kosher!" If he is smart he might get a clue.

I didn't sleep enough last night, didn't drink enough water yesterday, and ate too much junk food after dinner last night, and now have the headache to prove all this. Suggestions?

 

[MastersPiece]

It sounds like you're having sugar and carbohydrate withdrawals.. Go to the nearest McDonalds and get a Big mac, fillet-o-fish, quarter pounder, french fry, icy coke, thick shake, a sundae and an apple pie. Make sure you supersize everything. If you do this daily you won't have to worry about that nasty headache ever again.

What's the best way to deal with a very rude landlady?

 

[lucypevensie]

Maybe she just needs to lighten up and laugh a little. How about a fun practical joke? Place some dog droppings in a small paper bag, light it on fire, place it on her doorstep, ring her doorbell, then run and hide. When she opens the door she will have no choice but to stomp out the fire. I bet she'd get a real kick out of that.

Tips for staying awake while driving at night?

 

[forest flower]

Hire a marching band.

How can I get A's in my report card?

 

[MastersPiece]

Buy some white-out and replace all the F's with A's. When you flunk the school year take the report cards with the A's on them in as proof you passed. Your parents will be so pleased and if you don't end up in juvey-prison, you'll get a fine job as a white collar fraud-artist & be able to retire in one of those really posh jails with Bernard Madoff!

Any advice on how to put air in my tires?

 

[lucypevensie]

Don't bother with air, it'll just leak out eventually. Instead, pump your tires full of concrete. When it cures your tires will hold their shape and you'll never have to bother with pesky air pumps again.

Anything I can do with my hair until I can get a haircut appointment?

 

[MastersPiece]

I find firework sticks make great hair holding equipment. Take a stick and shove it through your hair all piled on top of your head just like Pebbles on the Flintstones. This will hold it up out of the way. They're also real pretty to look at with the sparkly paper wrapper. For entertainment value and to burn off split ends, light it!

What's the best way to cheer someone up?

 

[lucypevensie]

Maybe sit and watch a movie with them. Try Schindler's List for a lighthearted story that can turn any frown upside down.

What should I buy at Trader Joes?

 

[imoss]

Flint, tires and matches so you can get a job as fire starter in Rome.

my husband is doing the dishes & I'm feeling guilty... what should I do?

 

[lucypevensie]

Quickly conjure up some tears, go to him on your knees and beg for forgiveness for not helping with the dishes. Then offer to clean the rest of the house. I bet he'll feel so bad from you that he tells you to just take the night off, maybe even the rest of the week.

My son needs black socks tomorrow and nobody here has any. What to do, what to do...

 

[forest flower]

Grab a black permanent text or black paint and cover white socks in them.

How can I stop the wire from my braces from cutting into my cheek?