Give "Bad" Advice (2)

[servant of Merciful Love]

with a fork

what to do for heartburn?

 

[forest flower]

Lots of alcohol is good so I hear.

How can I wag a subject without getting caught.

 

[NumberOfStars]

wag the class and if anyone asks where you were, put on a a very convincing puzzled expression and insist that you were there. Tell them to get their eyes checked if they say they didn't see you.

My cat meows ALL THE TIME, how do I get her to be quiet?

 

[lucypevensie]

Give her something to meow about. Give her a bubble bath, hair color, hair dry, and permanent wave along with a manicure/pedicure. By the time this is all done, she should have lost her voice and she'll think twice before meowing again.

I'm all sweaty. Now what?

 

[Thom79]

Find a pond/lake and take a swim aka polar bear plunge.

I've got too much money. What should I do with it ? Invest in credit cards?

 

[lucypevensie]

You could use it for fire starter at your next campfire.

My dog seems to have hit a growth spurt and is always hungry. Any way to save money on dog food?

 

[Matthew-59]

Use the five finger discount at your local PetSmart shop.

Any way to prepare my taxes so I will be guaranteed to get a refund?

 

[MastersPiece]

yeah! LIE about all the numbers, then go buy yourself a black & white jumpsuit so you'll be all prepared to move in with Bernie Madoff.

How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

 

[lucypevensie]

I'd tell you, but then no one would need to ask that question anymore, and we all know how much fun that is to say.

If you don't own a pooper scooper, how can you pick up your dog's deuces?

 

[Thom79]

With the bottom of someone else's shoe.

The gear shift just has P,R,N,D. Is that code for party?

 

[Matthew-59]

Well of course it is! Don't you know that those letters mean this....
P = Party on dude!
R = Rock on Man!
N = No limits!
D = Drive while intoxicated.
So I'd recommend you use them every chance you get.

I need new glasses. Any recommendations?

 

[MastersPiece]

Get yourself 2 coke bottles and smash the bottoms off them. Crazy glue them together and use a coat-hanger to hang the 'lenses' over your ears. Don't worry about the jagged glass poking you in the face, the sensation will keep you awake and alert.

How do I make a 3 day mega headache go away? I tried 800 mgs of ibuprofen to no avail..

 

[Matthew-59]

Take your thumb and place it on a table and whack it as hard as you can with a hammer. Trust me, you will not notice the headache anymore.

I think there may be a pesky mouse in the house. What should I do?

 

[forest flower]

Golf balls, I hear they are poisonous inside.

Why don't rainbows have pink in them?

 

[lucypevensie]

Not quite sure how to give advice on this issue, but I have noticed that there is plenty of pink in a sunset, so maybe all the pink gets used up on sunsets, not leaving enough pink for the rainbows.

What should I get my husband for his birthday?

 

[Thom79]

A buffalo/bison. Who wouldn't love something big and hairy. Plus the meat is good for you too.

I need to go grocery shopping and my dogs need food. Can I just buy a 50lb. sack of feed and split it 3 ways?( 2dogs + me)

 

[lucypevensie]

I recommend that for all my friends who are trying to save money. Once you have enough money you can buy some milk and make cereal with your feed. Eventually you will he able to top that cereal with canned fruit and maybe some shredded cheese.

I'm kind of cold and tired. Tips?

 

[Matthew-59]

Drink 10 cans of Red Bull, and 10 shots of 5-hour Energy, and then wrap yourself in an electric blanket and get into a bathtub filled with scalding hot water. Don't forget to bring a book with you for some enjoyable reading while in the tub.

I need advice on investing money wisely. What do you suggest?

 

[forest flower]

Invest in the housing market and shares.

How can I sort my priorities?

 

[lucypevensie]

Get yourself a kid's shape sorter toy. Write each of your priorities on the individual shaped blocks, then sort them into the correct holes. I'm not exactly sure what you'd do next, but at least all your priorities will be sorted in some way.

My husband won't stop snoring! Aughhh! Help.