Dealing with "cool" people at church?

How do I deal, in a non-jealous way, with the "cool" people at my church? Or how do I understand them and not get bothered by the aura of "we're so cool" that they seem to thrive on?

Examples: There is a bunch of people who generally are louder, more boisterous and more self-assertive than others. There will be a church dinner and they'll jokingly yell across the room to one another. One of these people is the associate pastor's wife.

In ministry meetings, they'll talk in a way that shows off how close they are, such remarking about how well their children were playing together the other day, or about something that happened when they were over at each others' homes. Or how fun the trip was that they all went on together.

Sometimes, it makes me feel resentful, quite honestly.

These people don't ever approach me to ask how I'm doing. They rarely show an interest in anyone who isn't in their circle. On the one hand, it shouldn't bother me, as I'm capable of stirring up my own fun. On the other hand, it does bother me because I don't believe it's right to foster a cliquish feeling. And, I do feel there's a certain "LOOK AT ME" quality of behavior going on. There's a need for them to feel they are at the center of things.

I would appreciate advice on this situation. Thanks.

Can I assume it's a small church? If I can, I'd say that perhaps those people are quite close, and have things between them that they may not share with others. When I was associated with a small church, the same thing happened. If it isn't a small church, then that insight is somewhat void.

However, if you really don't feel comfortable at that particular church, perhaps you should seek a new one. I know there are a lot of good, bible based churches out there. I think a person should attend a church that they truly feel comfortable in. I do hope you can find the solution that is best for you. God Bless

Thank you, rejectreality. Yes, it is a small church, and people can become close. It still seems wrong to behave like a clique though. I would hope they can share closeness withouth broadcasting it to everyone else. I will take and ponder your advice on switching churches though. Much appreciated! God bless you too.

It is unfortunate, but what you describe is not uncommon. And I don't really think it is intentional, but rather people simply just being unaware of how they present themselves.

I might also point out that children are a common denominator in may co-parent relationships. As the kids become involved with one another, the parents follow. Thus, if you do not have kids, it can sometimes be a hinderance to share in their conversations.

I have attended both large and very small churches. It can sometimes be difficult to become engaged in a small church, whereas very large churches have lots of activities to which one can become involved.

If you decide to stay where you are, I would only suggest that you try to not think in terms of "exclusion" but rather "inclusion". Focus on those areas where you CAN participate - maybe volunteer to assist as a youth leader, children's choir, etc. Opportunities where you can not only contribute, but get to know the kids, which will lead to knowing the parents.

I don't know if they really just want attention or if they truly enjoy their friendships and don't mind feeling like it's "family time" at events.

I concur with SinneD's posting about joining or volunteering to get to know some of the people there.

LilLamb219 said:

I don't know if they really just want attention or if they truly enjoy their friendships and don't mind feeling like it's "family time" at events.

I concur with SinneD's posting about joining or volunteering to get to know some of the people there.

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Thanks for the perspectives, SinneD and LilLamb. I agree that what they are doing may be more in the interests of enjoying themselves and not, in a way, be intentional to make others envious.

(Although, I believe there are also shades of intention: You can be causing a problem by your actions even if it's not your main intention to cause a problem. But you're still doing it for some underlying reasons.)

I wil try to see what I can do to either get involved more with children or strengthen my own friendships at church or punch through the wall of cliquishness with them. Thanks for you replies, and I welcome any further advice.

Well, maybe stop viewing them as the clique and start thinking of them more like family could help?

I have seen this in many churches...but I realized God made us all different for a reason...in my expierience these seem to be the people who really put themselves in the front line of ministry...the one who is never afraid to give a testimony...or the one who will stand up and sing no matter how big the crowd.
I found myself envious because I was so quiet and reserved but in my heart of hearts, I prayed for that boldness. but that just wasn't me, and God showed me my place, in quietness, in listening and compassion. just try to see them through the eyes of God, he has a reason for them being the way they are....they just haven't fined tuned their instrument so to speak.

More thanks and appreciation to all of you for the advice and trying to help me to see this situation with more understanding eyes. I will ponder what you have said, as some of it is quite challenging.

ub4me, what you said resonates with me, about wanting to be bolder, but realizing your place as a listener is more valuable to the Lord. I am like you, in a way. I see what needs to be done to help out the group and I do it, whether it's sweeping the floor after a potluck or stepping in at the last minute to fold our bulletins Sunday morning.

I struggle with this "silent service" though. I would *hope* that such actions are valued and appreciated by the group (not that I am serving to attract attention, but hopefully you know what I mean). However, I see much more social approval flowing to the people who joke around and, yes, seem to flaunt how socially active they are.

The reason I say "flaunt" is because I do know one of these people quite well, and she has consistently demonstrated that she is not happy unless she's the center of attention. So, forgive me for feeling this way, but I resent that people who are perhaps more self-oriented get more social approval, and the people who are perhaps more considerate of others are left on the fringes.

SCJ said:

It's like there are people they 'care' about and people that are just there.

... I just got tired of listening to how much fun they were all having in fellowship with each other every Sunday morning at Sunday School when they have never shown an interest in even getting to know me or my wife.

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This is EXACTLY how I feel. Thank you for articulating it so well, SCJ. I couldn't have said it better.

I am not trying to be difficult here, btw! I guess it just touches a nerve for me. I feel as though I am willing to go along and laugh with them and listen as they talk about their activities together, but where's the genuine reaching back from them to me?

It is unfortunate, but what you describe is not uncommon. And I don't really think it is intentional, but rather people simply just being unaware of how they present themselves.

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I would like to paste this several times for effect, but it would just be silly. Cliques are everywhere you find people, because some people like to lean on others.

I think there is a problem when all of these people are the same...I am meaning same as in Social Class, Job Type, etc. That is a true clique that can damage a church.

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Yes, I've seen that happen with who can afford to go to the retreats, and take time off for extra ministry activities, send their kids to the church school.

If you are feeling this, then most of the church is probably feeling this too. Make an effort to try to lift up people who are downtrodden. Try to organize some activities that will make others feel useful and part of the team. Make this your invisible ministry -- to accomplish what the clique is not equipped to accomplish. Care for the others.

--incident omitted--

Jenster said:

How do I deal, in a non-jealous way, with the "cool" people at my church? Or how do I understand them and not get bothered by the aura of "we're so cool" that they seem to thrive on?

Examples: There is a bunch of people who generally are louder, more boisterous and more self-assertive than others. There will be a church dinner and they'll jokingly yell across the room to one another. One of these people is the associate pastor's wife.

In ministry meetings, they'll talk in a way that shows off how close they are, such remarking about how well their children were playing together the other day, or about something that happened when they were over at each others' homes. Or how fun the trip was that they all went on together.

Sometimes, it makes me feel resentful, quite honestly.

These people don't ever approach me to ask how I'm doing. They rarely show an interest in anyone who isn't in their circle. On the one hand, it shouldn't bother me, as I'm capable of stirring up my own fun. On the other hand, it does bother me because I don't believe it's right to foster a cliquish feeling. And, I do feel there's a certain "LOOK AT ME" quality of behavior going on. There's a need for them to feel they are at the center of things.

I would appreciate advice on this situation. Thanks.

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Wow, it's like being back in high school all over again! I went to my 30-year high school reunion a year ago and saw all the "popular people" at one table, just like old times. I was appalled! Okay, I resented it, because it reminded me how (Ugh!) much I had wanted to be a part of that crowd. So [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed off at myself for letting them take me back there, I did my best to ignore them and left as early as possible.

Cliques make us feel jealous and resentful, because they exclude us. They enjoy being who they are and there really isn't anything to do about it. So you will either have to learn to ignore them and group with people you enjoy, or find another church.

I must admit, I've not experienced this grouping since I've been in church, so I don't believe it to be the norm. However, it may be something you need to deal with internally or you'll see it no matter where you go to church.

I know I'm not much help, because I’m with you on your feelings. Just want you to know you have an “amen corner” in the group.

God bless!

The Guide

I noticed this about the worship team at my last church. I had been saved there so it was my first experience of church, but I noticed that a certain group of people were 'cool' and had a sort of mystery about them.

As it happened, God had me join these people in their ministry and it soon became apparant that they had just as much problems, if not more, than any one else in the church.

Some of them had known each other since their teenage years, so they were very close, but strangely it was those ones where I did find real friendship (even if it took a year or so). Sad to say, most of the others had really big problems that they didn't share with anyone until it became public knowledge.

I think that what the others in your church see as being friendly, or familiar with one another, only serves to isolate and even exclude others, the very thing they would want to avoid. This defeats their own purpose. I would think that their intention is to unite people. It's good to be friendly, but there is a place and time for everything.

i Agree If There Is Lack Of People Reaching Out, Then Their Are Probably Others Feeling The Way You Are....you Have A Wonderful Oppurtunity To Minister Here To Others Like You...helping Them Realize That They Are Just As Important To God...they May Not Be The Mouth(no Pun Intended)...but The Hands And The Heart Of God,
just As Vital...if Not More So In A Hurting World. A Person Who Sees A Need Has A Marvelous Oppurtunity To Let God Use Them In That Area....you Could Be The One Who Can Change Things.
i Know It Can Be A Lonely Place...but You Could Make Wonderful Friends By Reaching Out.

SCJ said:

I see this a lot too. I like the posts so far and I highly agree with ub4me and think she has a great perspective.

I have left churches, and actually currently looking for a new, because of this problem. I don't think the problem lies in the 'cool' people who, like ub4me says, are usually on the forefront of ministry. I think there is a problem when all of these people are the same...

I am meaning same as in Social Class, Job Type, etc. That is a true clique that can damage a church. I have seen that in my home church (the one I grew up in) and in the church I left recently. It's like there are people they 'care' about and people that are just there.

I am in public service and don't have a college degree and it was very obvious that people in my last church, while glad to have me there, were not really interested in fellowship with me because I wasn't in their social class. I just got tired of listening to how much fun they were all having in fellowship with each other every Sunday morning at Sunday School when they have never shown an interest in even getting to know me or my wife.

So I think you need to differentiate between the 'cool' people (defined as the central figures) and the 'in crowd' defined as an unhealthy clique within the church.

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I think this is the problem with a lot of churches. Most of the people are from a certain back ground and if you don't belong to that class, job type, marital status, etc: you are sort of left feeling like an outsider. I say marital status because being one of the few single people with no kids at a church is tough. I know that from my current experience. It is hard to know what the answer is. It is tough to decide to go to another church. Yet, staying at a church where someone feels like an outsider is tough too.
It is also hard in churches that are older-everyone seems to have known everyone for decades.

heron said:

I understand this too -- was once in a pot luck line behind my pastor, who passed his favorite people's table and begged them to save him a seat because there was no one else good to sit with.

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!!! That was pretty tacky of him.

I appreciate everyone's replies, esp. the encouragement to think of others who may be feeling left out. I do believe it is right to be inclusive, so it's probably wise to put my energy there rather than let the insensitivities of others get me down.

fushiarose, I just wanted to let you know that, as a single person, I understand what you mean having to choose between feeling like an outsider and leaving your church. That's a tough one. My heart goes out to you.

God bless you all.

Godsgurl4evr said:

I think the only cool people at church are the ones that are truely there for God and there to help others find their way to him. If your there for that then your cooler than anyone who THINKS they're cool!

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Great post, Godsgurl4ever! Thank you for that blessed reminder.

Would you feel comfortable inviting a friend to the church and confident they would be welcomed?
If not then there is a problem. Maybe talking to the pastor about it would help. I personally would be hesitant to switch churches. I go to a small church and I have felt as if I don't belong. I kept going and focused on God and sought ways to help people. It usually is unintentional when people act like that. I know I can be loud and cause the focus to switch to me. I think sometimes it is just an attention thing or a self defence mechanism I use to feel comfortable.