how do I let go?

I spent years and years with the neglect of emotional abuse and physical neglect that were a by product of my marriage to a man that did these without thinking, constantly, as a result of his abusive childhood. He was so bad at comforting and listening to pain in anyone else that he was mean if you tried. He was completely without affection for years, when we first got married. I was so ALONE. No one I knew and no one in the family I grew up in understood this weird life I was living. I talked to girlfriends, but they didn't really understand, or half the time believe me...cause he was always nice in public.

I started to learn from all that, that it was bad to cry; useless to be mad or upset and lonelier than death. SO, thank God, I had my journals. I wrote it all down, everything. I had pages and pages of tears and sadness and pain and neglect and sexlessness as a new bride. I was so beyond sad. Me and Jesus were the only ones who knew it all. I became so close to Him that my husband started to be angry with Jesus for even existing, like a jealous boyfriend. But, he didn't change(my husband). So, I kept writing and crying and begging and praying to God...somehow....it worked.

In the end, Jesus in me..won! My husband had to accept my friend Jesus. He was a Christian before we ever got married. We went to bible studies and church together. But, he couldn't get close to Jesus, or relate to Him. He'd never done that with any people, so, he couldn't do it with God either. But, he wanted to. I felt so torn apart. My husband didn't WANT to be the broken mess his family had left him in...but, he didn't know how to be different. Church pastors and friends really just felt overwhelmed by his issues and counselors came and went. My husband would quit going everytime the issues got too hard or the counselors would keep telling him the same things he didn't want to hear from anybody.

So, I was completely alone in my hope to heal my husband's broken heart and spirit...a lot. Except for our son. He wanted it too. But, he was a little boy. I spent all our weekends together trying to teach him all the things no one had ever taught his dad and having fun. He grew up somewhere along the way.

The next thing you know, he was moving in to our new house for the first time. His Mom had thrown him out. Instead of weekends, he was there every day. He was a young man now, 18. He started to see the things that weren't easy to notice on weekend visits. He started to see how he wasn't able to be sad or get support from his dad. He saw how disconnected his dad was from everything. He cried after many efforts to 'be with' him. It broke my heart.

As he started to tell me what he was feeling, we got closer. He saw that I always went down to sit on my rock in the woods and spend time with God. He asked a lot of curious questions. One day, after lots of emotionally stressful events, I broke down in tears when we were hugging. He said he had never seen me cry in his whole life. I never noticed that.

The end of the story is, that as we helped each other through the next 7 years of learning how to deal with my husband's abuse issues together, with God, I learned some things very valuable. VERY.

I spent 9 years ALONE with my pain in the neglect and emotional and verbal abuse of my husband's company. Jesus was my best friend and helped me to survive the agony, as did my girlfriends. Jesus IS able to do that for you, or for anybody else, too. I learned to PUT HIM FIRST above ALL others.

I learned that the day that my loving Christian son hugged me while I cried, for the first time in years in someone else's arms until I let go, that I had been seriously damaged by the abuse. And, that he had learned to love, as I had held him in his tears, as a boy.

I learned that I would do it all over again.

I learned that I couldn't be alone anymore. I needed hugs and touch and kindness like a plant needs water.

I learned that part of the reason that I suffered like I did was because I was ignorant. Ignorant of the price of living in this incredibly difficult marriage and ignorant of how much I NEEDED to be loved by someone who knew my situation and my sacrifice.

I learned that I need to do this pain with other people who understand the issues and the cost and the grief of it all. I learned that if I had reached out to other people who are abused, I would have healed ME a little everyday. I learned that Jesus wanted that. He wants me to reach out for help and go get it so that I don't become the very thing I hate....someone whose pain levels are soooo high, that they are abusive and unkind to others around them. To overcome abuse, I need to let out the pain with others who understand it.

And, so, babygirl, do you.

I am praying for you to find, go, be sent to, invited to, given the company you need, in the flesh. The company that will hold that hug until YOU let go...until YOU are finished, each day. In Jesus' mighty name, for His glory and in His honor, I pray. amen.

luv4godremains said:

who can you takl to though, who can anyone really trust to talk to? I dunno, it just seems like the only person you can ever trust to keep things quiet or to not judge you or get all preachy on you is God, but it just doesn't help takling to him at the moment, cos it's not talking to someone in person!

Click to expand...

I wore my friends out with my talking-but they are still my friends- God Bless them. For God is able to handle whatever you throw at him. It is great when you have someone to talk to face to face. And there is always this forum. We are here to listen.

Now that's results! You were very brave to share. God may have prepared her to know to ask you about your dad. I do CONTINUE to lift you before Jesus. May He hold you every breath you take, dear one.

Please keep in touch and let us know how this goes and unfolds. Be still in your heart and believe tht He will deliver you. I am believing for you, too.

Shachah said:

Shachah, you're such a blessing to everone on here, and have been such a blessing to me, more than you could know! thanks for all your kind words of wisdom.

Click to expand...

Thanks for writing that. I do need to know that God is using me in all my words for someone. I like learning that I have been encouraging to you. This whole abuse environment leaves us with a lot less of the good words that we need to hear than some other segments of this forum may be. Thanks for telling me.

Love you, Sha

luv4godremains- you may email me if you want.

Letting go of the past is the last step to grief, like grieving for someone you've lost. The first step is to admit that you've lost something -- and you have. There will be anger, toward the abuser, and then bargaining: "Oh, it couldn't have been as bad as I made it out to be, right?" Eventually, when bargaining stops working, it gets replaced with depression or despair, when you take down your emotional barriers and the full impact of what's happened finally hits you full on. But finally, there will be acceptance: we realize that we could have done nothing to prevent what had happened. We learn to cope with the loss, and give ourselves time to adjust. And, with acceptance comes the confidence needed to carry on with our lives and grow.

You may not want to, but believe it. It really was that bad.

Telling yourself that "it couldn't have been that bad" was a good way to shield yourself from the full impact of the facts. For me, it was, "at least it could've been worse. At least it didn't happen all the time. At least I talked about it. At least..."

I guess I realized recently that letting go wasn't going to erase the past, as I had thought. It isn't going to make everything okay in my mind, or make everything normal, which is what I first thought it would do. The past is always going to be there, but letting go means looking forward. It means finally realizing that your darkest days are over, and now you can truly dream -- if you've ever wished you could fly, now you can.

how someone who is suposed to love me and look after me could do that!

Click to expand...

I guess a lot of people think this way, but when he's a good father, he "Dad," and when he's not, he's (put his first name here.) Sometimes people grow up with the wrong ideas... often they think "there are good reasons and bad reason for beating your children" and "there are good people and bad people who beat their children" and then they get confused. Perhaps these people grew up with no boundaries of their own, and don't see why their children need personal boundaries; also common is when parents think of their children as extensions of themselves, and not as separate people. They don't understand that you are their flesh and blood, but you are not them.

Sometimes parents inflict violence on their children because they feel out of control of their lives, so they try to control everyone else around them. Children become easy targets. They might blame the child for their problems, because a child can't really challenge them. For instance, my father took anger out on me because things at work weren't going well, and he felt helpless to what his boss, etc. were doing to him.

Moreover, the parent often doesn't believe he/she is abusive. If you've ever been beaten for crying, a lot of times it's because when a parent sees that he/she has made the child cry, they feel even more helpless. They become angry at the child for making him feel like an abusive parent (which he will not admit to being.)

why not try to stop that kind of thing happening to others instead?

Click to expand...

Perhaps... is that what you want to work toward in your own life? Is it a calling? Because you know that you have an ability that other people don't -- you can understand what's happening to them and what they're going through. Of course, everyone with that ability would give it up in a second if it meant that they could gain back what they'd lost... but they can't.

marli said:

Letting go of the past is the last step to grief, like grieving for someone you've lost. The first step is to admit that you've lost something -- and you have. There will be anger, toward the abuser, and then bargaining: "Oh, it couldn't have been as bad as I made it out to be, right?" Eventually, when bargaining stops working, it gets replaced with depression or despair, when you take down your emotional barriers and the full impact of what's happened finally hits you full on. But finally, there will be acceptance: we realize that we could have done nothing to prevent what had happened. We learn to cope with the loss, and give ourselves time to adjust. And, with acceptance comes the confidence needed to carry on with our lives and grow.

Click to expand...

Thanks for posting this tie in to the grieving process for abuse survivors. I actually never heard this done before. It makes sense.

Truly ties in to the recurrent grief process treadmill I am endlessly zipping on. It's hard to get anywhere in it when the abusive evidence and actions are still occurring. I just feel like an open wound this week, after several events. Anybody got a wrench to throw in this treadmill so I can graduate to another level of acceptance before I have to start again?

Thanks for this new angle to view. I am sure the Lord can help me to fit it in for me as time goes by. Where did you learn that, in a counseling session or group?

Blessings.

=) Actually... I volunteer at my local library, and when reference desk requests for help are few and far between, I decided to see if it was possible to figure things out for myself through reading. So I read a couple of books while I was there -- I was too nervous I guess to check them out and let the circulation desk people draw conclusions abut me. There were two that are amazing, life-changing, and absolutely worth looking into: "Outgrowing the Pain" by Eliana Gil and "Strong at the Broken Places" by Linda Sanford.

Great! resource references, woohoo.

I love when there comes access to different information to chew on. Thanks for sharing them. I am a student, and therefore busy, I don't know how much time I have to read, but I hope to check them out.
Blessings.

I think there are many ways to find healing and God know which one will work best.

Amen

ljorem said:

I think there are many ways to find healing and God know which one will work best.

Click to expand...

Amen!

It is sometimes hard to believe we do need help. I like to think that I can handle everything by myself. Sometimes I just have to cry out to God with a humble attitude. He wants us to come to him with arms outreached. He is Our Father and he loves us and wants to comfort us.