Married man falling in love

jfj503 · Jun 30, 2005

Hi everyone! I need to talk or I'll explode!.Ive been married for 20 years
now..For the past fourteen years I have been disabled with strokes and complications
am losing feeling in my legs,ect... and unable to cosumate my marriage in the normal manners ...there are other ways right? MY wife has been having an affair for 8 years now and pretty much left me to die,things were bad.She even takes the kids out with him and puts me down and
in front of the kids.SHe makes alot of money and refuses to pay any
bills,which I pay myself through social security disability.

We have two kids and I have not filed for divorce because of them. I haven't been strong enough physically to go through a divorce.She usues the
lack of sex as an excuse to have affair and the truth is she doesn't care for me, and I feel like a doormat with my photo on it should be at the front door.She loves this fool deeply.

I am so isolated and lonely, she moved into the garage four years ago.
My 76 year old mother drives me to doctors and takes care of me.
Well the past year a single mom with two kids, who herself I found out was battered physically and is very vulnerable and desperately looking
for someone came to my church.She lives in the projects ,and is having a very difficult time financially..You guessed it,I asked her to pray for me the other day and she clasped both her hands around mine.I asked her to pray for me cause I am so deeply in love with her without even talking to her more than two minutes.She cries in church and my heart sinks,she is so beautiful I love her soul.She is a young girl probaly in her thirties I am 50.I am not attracted to young women Please help me God and please advise me anyone...
I am in love with her and am so confused about declaring it!Am I commiting adultry too?

Terri12345 · Jul 1, 2005

In my opinion it wouldn't be adultery on your part. Your wife ended your marriage when she started a relationship with this other guy.

~Nikki~ · Jul 1, 2005

Terri12345 said:
In my opinion it wouldn't be adultery on your part. Your wife ended your marriage when she started a relationship with this other guy.

I disagree. The Bible says that when two previously unmarried people get married to each other, God makes them one flesh for life, and they'll never be two again, but one flesh til one of them dies. Marriage is FOR LIFE, for better or worse til death.

Link · Jul 1, 2005

northstar said:
I disagree. The Bible says that when two previously unmarried people get married to each other, God makes them one flesh for life, and they'll never be two again, but one flesh til one of them dies. Marriage is FOR LIFE, for better or worse til death.

Um, ?!?, but in the bible, Jesus DOES give reasons for divorce, somewhere... >.> anywho, one of the first things the bible said was a reason for divorce was if your wife/husband was cheating. While God wants us to be faithful, he does not want us to become doormats... o.o ._.

Btw...
._. Thats a really rough situation, I'll pray sooner or later things turn out better.

JulesM · Jul 1, 2005

I am really sorry about your situation.

In the NT you will see that is was said that adultery is grounds for divorce. If you wish to persue a new relationship you can divorce your wife for cheating on you.

If you have another relationship before the divorce is final you are committing adultery.

There are many differing views on this forum about divorce, etc - I urge you to seek God will all your heart about this situation. :prayer:

Mr.Cheese · Jul 1, 2005

What a mess.
I don't know what your wife is thinking.
You've grounds to divorce. Clearly the marriage covenant has been destroyed.

Geez. You poor guy.

It makes perfect sense that a woman showing love to you would be something you would become attached to.

But for now you still have a wife. What do you want to do with her?

jfj503 · Jul 1, 2005

Wow thanks! I need to go deeper if anyone dosen't mind.Thank you Lord for my brothers and sisters around the world who have responded to me..Hopefully we can
help one another and lighten not only my burden but someone elses.

To answer the guestion you still have a wife?Well actually I don't have a wife. I have a piece of paper stating that is what she is.She is a roomate,a codependent,I don't know what she is?.I no longer have any use for her,nor love her with agape love,I am tapped.I don't want her back ...

Like she said my world does not evolve around a disabled man. Niether does mine,my
identity is in Christ not what she says I am .I am a battered husband(not talking hitting) which = wimp!,
in the worlds eyes.I feel totally worthless,but I know I have great value and worth
to Jesus who died for me.
I am glad to be able to share on this forum.This is what church leaders tell me....
BTW she had an abortion and is trying to have a baby and told me I would be responsible for it ...Sic!

Church Leaders:

Erase the new girl from your heart,everything has to be done in order(divorce first),and you need to heal.I have had four years to heal,form this close proximity seperation.I will need to heal for my childrens sake only

God hates divorce

Stand up for God(she is showing your children adultry is OK) and file!

Grow a backbone!

God hates divorce!But he will forgive you.

Plead the blood both situations(other ladytoo) and overcome it with your testimony.

Treat the older women as mothers and the younger women as sisters!

Unsaved family and friends advise!

Kick her to the curb,take out the trash,you're a doormat,you like your situation,you're in denial and thats keeping you in this abusive situation.

My question is: is falling in love only adultry.Would declaring my love before
divorce be considered adultry .Does anyone know? I am still confused..

Btw i got the weirdest answer from my pastor who has been following my situation.
I said there are couple of woman at church who make me happy.He replied either choose one or choose?I think he meant choose to file because you have grounds or chooose a girl you like?

GOING DEEPER.i was not the best husband in the past neither. I was unfaithful but never fell in love,no relationships... So I guess I am reaping some stuff too!There is a lot of guilt here and she is only so pleased to remind me of it.... God Bless and Thanks!!

madison1101 · Jul 1, 2005

I am so sorry for your situation. I believe there is emotional adultery and physical adultery. I believe both are sins. I strongly urge you to file for the divorce, and wait until the divorce is final before you fall in love. Lean on the Lord for His strength and the courage to wait till the legal stuff is over.

My prayers are with you. God will bless your life through this. Jeremiah 29:11

f U z ! o N · Jul 1, 2005

im sorry your wife is treating you like that. i would hope that if i was disabled my future wife would care for me. she is committing adultery therefore you do have grounds for divorce.

EmSchmem · Jul 1, 2005

I would definately support divorce in this situation. But at the same time I would distance myself from the "other woman" for a while. Not indefinately but until you ARE officially out of this. This really is the most fair to both of you. Her reputation and heart are protected and you get to see if she is willing to wade throught the cruddy circumstances of life.

Svt4Him · Jul 1, 2005

JulesM said:
I am really sorry about your situation.

In the NT you will see that is was said that adultery is grounds for divorce. If you wish to persue a new relationship you can divorce your wife for cheating on you.

If you have another relationship before the divorce is final you are committing adultery.

There are many differing views on this forum about divorce, etc - I urge you to seek God will all your heart about this situation.

Well actually it says adultery is grounds for putting away. I urge you to seek the truth in this that fits the message from God as a whole.

Are you committing adultery? Yes. You are still married, and you are choosing to live with that lady, and have sex with her albeit not in a normal capacity. If you choose this, then stay committed to it. Throw out the excuse about it being for the children, that doesn't wash.

If you choose to divorce your wife, realize you may be running from one fire to another by not taking any time in between. And honestly it sounds like a recipe for a lot of hurt.

jfj503 · Jul 1, 2005

I haven't touched my wife in over four years,I can't really bare being in the same room
with her Svt4him. No sex,nothin ! I agree with you about taking time after a divorce.

And Rhemheim you're right too, I need to protect this other womans reputation she's new to our church.I 'm 50 and didn't think I'd be goiing through all of this again in
my life...

It may well be emotional adultry. Even though she broke her vow ,I did make the vow to God too.How do I deal with my pain, start drinking again after 21 years.I know that sounds stupid,well thanks for input you guys got me through one more day.

Svt4Him · Jul 1, 2005

Let me say I'm sorry for what you're going through. I think it is a terribly hard thing and I personally think God never created us to bear that kind of pain. That said, when you say you are staying in the marriage for the sake of the children, you are giving them a burden that they don't need, and using them as an excuse. I could be wrong. That said, if you decide to divorce, divorce. If you don't, then you have to call it what it is. Sure your wife broke her vow, but if you decide to stay with her after that, then you have to honour your vow.

And it doesn't sound stupid to want to drink. Like I said, I don't think we were meant to deal with things like this. Personally I'd try and take it one day at a time.

jfj503 · Jul 1, 2005

I am looking for for my wedding ring now.I think she has it !What if I cause someone else
to stumble at church or fall in love with me.There aren't many single men there, mostly single moms,and youth,married couples . God forgive me.

jfj503 · Jul 2, 2005

I spoke with my pastor following a mens' group meeting this morning.Actually
he approached me and asked if " so and so" was one of the ladies I was interested in.
I said, yes she is.Basically he said I needed to be accountable,stop
praying for her ,avoid her and be brutal.Wow real easy for him to say.I mentioned the ring and he said go to pawn shop and pick up a cheap one.My pastor is much more wise than I'll ever be. Obedience is gonna be painful folks.

As far as my wife is concerned I have sought the Lord and many counsel and am
leaning towards a split I may need you guys down the road...Please pray for me...

Oh yeah, please anyone with a drinking problem don't use alcohol.It was foolish of me to say that I need to drink again to hide my pain. I apologize!

Serving4Christ · Jul 2, 2005

My heart bleeds for you in your situation. I'm so sorry you have endured such pain in life. I know God has detailed each of our lives out, however, hearing a story like this just adds to my amazement of how God develops us through such hardships. I can see very clearly now how I have been personally developed through my own hardships, all the while never able to view it when I was in it.

He streghtens us. He will stregthen you. He provides us comfort, He is comforting you. He gives us peace, He yields to you His perfect peace.

I struggled with my decision to file. My pastor said to go forth with my filing after attempting several times to get through to my ex. It was the hardest news I think I swallowed. I struggled for months understanding why he would say such a thing. Then one day, peace opened up in my heart like a fresh lilly in bloom on Easter Sunday.

What I've come to understand in all the pain from my divorce and struggles leading up to the divorce is God's timing is perfect. I could never understand that in the midst of the situation, but now...my eyes are open. Those who have enough faith to keep their eyes on God during these periods of struggle, hardships, lonliness, pain, trials, and tribulation will be so much further advanced in their walk with God than I ever was.

I wish you peace and comfort, and I pray for your strength until the day of your delivery from this emotional roller coaster. Their wil be people that tell you you're wrong and then there will be people who tell you you're right. I read both on this page...

Peace comes when you understand that you'll answer the actions to God someday and when you're prepared to do that, you'll find the peace you're seeking. To understand we have a loving God that picks us up and brushes us off when we fall is to understand that on the day of Judgment, Our Lord will confess your name before the Father and say, this is my friend...I was with him. What a friend we have in Jesus. Give your heart to Him, talk with Him, let Him know how you're feeling, and seek peace in knowing if you'll let Him lead you...and help discern all this trauma, who can be against you?

Use this board to help you discern, but don't use this board to beat yourself up! Seek the face of God and let His Spirit do that for you. My prayers are with you.

jfj503 · Jul 3, 2005

Hey Serving4...Your Pastor said file,hmmm...generally they won't even go there..
My associate pastor after hearing about the abortion said to stand up for God and take action,not file(my mistake)Sometimes we need to just trust our leaders.My heart goes out to you too bro.Nobody is beating me up..it's is a tremendous blessing to be here.My blood relatives are the ones who are brutal with me. We are all blessed by this site.Thankyou for encouraging me.I do have so many unanswered questions about the aftermath of divorce and the impact it will have on my children though..
I don't know if you had kids? I am under so much pressure(health and marriage) that I escaped into a fantasy world and fell in love.Pastor said the devil likes to do this to people.Well if we are obedient to God who knows what our futures hold for us.Time to get ready for worship!

Serving4Christ · Jul 3, 2005

jfj503 said:
Hey Serving4...Your Pastor said file,hmmm...generally they won't even go there..
My associate pastor after hearing about the abortion said to stand up for God and take action,not file(my mistake)Sometimes we need to just trust our leaders.My heart goes out to you too bro.Nobody is beating me up..it's is a tremendous blessing to be here.My blood relatives are the ones who are brutal with me. We are all blessed by this site.Thankyou for encouraging me.I do have so many unanswered questions about the aftermath of divorce and the impact it will have on my children though..
I don't know if you had kids? I am under so much pressure(health and marriage) that I escaped into a fantasy world and fell in love.Pastor said the devil likes to do this to people.Well if we are obedient to God who knows what our futures hold for us.Time to get ready for worship!

I do have kids, 3 of them to be precise, ages: 10, 5, and 2. I too had many unanswered questions through my divorce. I too was also, and still, concerned about the aftermath of divorce and the effect on my kids. I recently underwent a cardiac ablation to fix abnmormal heart rhythms that were causing me to pass out...different medications to see what would work, exploring the possibility of a pacemaker to fix the passing out, frequent visits to the psychologist, different anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety medications. ALL BROUGHT ON because of the stress of this divorce, financial costs related to the divorce, and the mounting pressures from creditors, daycare, and full custody after she choked my 9-year old.

I understand your pressures. I cried out daily to God and asked him to please take away my hurt and pain. Some days I thought He was never listening to me. I'm happy to tell you, I'm more happy today than I've been my ENTIRE life! I know it's because of His timing, and looking back, believe I wouldn't be this happy had it been on my own timing. Since when do we know what's good for us?

Good luck...and seek Peace.

jfj503 · Jul 5, 2005

Hi Serving,
I will be praying for u as you come to mind ! Have you checked out any alternative doctors.or alternative treatments.I have ...intravenous magnesium and B vitamins and minerals,vit C may help your heart condition.I get a meyers cocktail pushed into my vein it take s about four minutes.I take alot of magnesium , I think 11 to 15cc.It cleared up an aryhtmia I was having.Don't do it orally ,you will get the runs... agree stress will knock you down ...
God Bless

jenelis · Jul 7, 2005

I feel for you. Sounds like a horrible situation for you... the children.. and even to some extent the ex. She likely feels jsut as trapped as you feel.

I don't have advise on getting divorced. I myself am divorced, but would advise against it in MOST situations.

I'm glad for you that you have found someone who makes you happy. God loves you and you deserve to be happy-- regardless of any past mistakes. You have done your penance.

I hope you feel Christ's guidance as you make the decisions that will mold your future.

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