What's on your mind?

[bèlla]

Yes, some good thoughts. My intuition tells me the question is coming from an I want to know you deeper. I'm tired of superficial getting to know you questions. Two prior conversations from this year of "I want depth" seem to come to mind. And one text "I don't mind deep and dark". I could be wrong, but that's what association popped in my head. No one has asked me that question, they just try to figure without asking.

Superficial discussions don't allow you to see the bones. You need to go beyond pleasantries to see their character. And the things that make them tick and struggle. Because you're a help-meet. The goal is helping one another. Parlor talk is fine for social settings. But not when you're vetting a companion. They need to unveil.

When you mentioned this, the thought popped in my head, did this impact those that were in concentration camps and those that went home to steak and potatoes. Not a position of wealth but life and death.

Have you read Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl? I believe the will to live is innate. Some people respond to adversity by wanting to quit and others roll up their sleeves and fight. He saw the same in the camps.

Those on the other side are wrestling (or not) with a different issue. It's a matter of conscience. The BLM Movement is a good example. While I don't agree with brutality of any sort. I can't support unrelated violations in response to the event. It's wrong.

Yeah, I was thinking about it and as appealing as that relationship sounds of the man treating his wife as the queen, I don't think that's me. And the only reason I feel its a potential red flag a the beginning, is what is the price? Just like I buy you stuff, now you owe me? If that makes any sense. It was small. The context was a request for more photos instead of just one.

We can minister to people from all walks of life. But we're not fashioned for everyone.

The guy that I was trying to get over confessed his mental (temper) health problem immediately on our first date. His example/story he told seemed like something that an intuitive wife could have helped intervene in a public situation. And by text before in conversations he let me know about his first wife falsely accusing him of abuse and charges were dropped. It always made me wonder if there was more to that with the way things turned out.

You need a diffusive countenance and thick skin. He's gonna lose his cool. If you take it personal you'll be hurt. As far as abuse, I'd do a background check. I wouldn't marry him without it. You need to see his history. One off situations aren't the norm. There's usually a pattern. You have to protect yourself.

Yeah, its important. The last guy in September that I went on a date with told me of his kidney issues and the bills he's still paying off. It was in our first phone conversation that came out.

That's what I'm talking about. I respect that a lot.

 

[bèlla]

Thinking how cool it would be if hearts and emoji's could be someday overlapping on text. For example, we can highlight text with colors, but we haven't been able to put symbols over text yet. Kay Arthur does this with inductive bible studies, picking out key words.

You've done Precepts? How uncanny. So have I!

 

[bèlla]

The friend I ran with also was invited to come by. She told me later when she saw the house and talked to him while I showered that she immediately thought of the camel through the eye of the needle. The way he talked as if he was jealous of his clients wealth. He talked in such a manner that I think it sort of disrespected the wealth they had. Just him touching their telescope looking out over the waters I thought was not right.

That's commonplace. You need the personality and equipping to minister to the wealthy. The possibility of jealousy and coveting is great.

My friend also said she sensed something right about the clients that had lived there since 08' but had never put their photos up on the wall. There were quiet a few other questions she had too as to why he was doing favors that is not usually an architects job.

Maybe they paid him or he was trying to gain favor?

When this guy first saw my profile he stated that he liked it because I seemed to have a 'lust for life and active". The key word lust alerted me I may need to move on and I started asking hard questions (about his alcohol consumption & listed religion), but somewhere in there I must have compromised and lost my coarse. Hopefully I can remember these things painfully for the next time I move forward with a series of dates.

Most men won't admit they're looking for eye candy. Especially Christian ones. If you suspect it, ask him if he wants a looking glass instead. Someone who shines favorably on him and enhances his image. If he says yes, ask him for examples.

 

[sampa]

.....

 

[bèlla]

This is an entrepreneur, but I think he may be beyond his peak. This is just my intuition. By the way he talked, it seemed like he was trying to live larger than what he actually had. With his $1,000-$2,000 membership in a large city club (association), $250 pairs of jeans, all his vehicles (old classics), the type of dogs he has... his clients were muti-millionaires while I think he's sub 100k. I believe the gal he's with now is a little above 100k.

As for his behavior, there's two sides to the coin. He has to put himself in the vicinity to encounter high net worth prospects. Looking the part is part of it. On the other hand, he may crave the lifestyle he's servicing. It's probably a bit of both.

He's in a difficult position. Most women aren't breadwinners. Few men could accept that role. Maybe she's a sweet spot.

I never was interested in entrepreneurs before him, but it has peaked my interest and makes me wonder if faith can coincide.

You can be Christian and have a successful business. Money doesn't change people. It reveals what's already there. A greedy person will be greedy. A generous person will be generous. No two convictions are the same. That's where the Holy Spirit comes in.

The thought that came to my mind when I was in the house was that he's like a "groundkeeper". I think its a way to keep the funds coming in because I'm not sure his work is the greatest and he's had issues that he's had to go back and repair. I think that house was the first clients he had after his masters degree.

Groundskeepers maintain the lawn and garden (and everything related to the grounds). Caretakers look after the property when the owners are away. House sitters do the same. They're less expensive.

Very true. I will have to remember that one. I did often think about that and wondered if he dumped his prior girlfriend because he had recently been promoted to president of his town. He said she had no moral compass, but when confronted about it, he said "yeah I did have fun".

He traded her in for someone who fit the role. That's why questions are necessary. Is the position skin deep or a co-pilot? You want the latter always. Pay attention to the little things that show his humanity. Not the glamorous stuff.

 

[MehGuy]

I need to reboot my life.

 

[sampa]

....

 

[sampa]

....

 

[sampa]

I need to reboot my life.

I hope its a good kind of reboot?

 

[MehGuy]

I hope its a good kind of reboot?

Yeah, it's a good kind.

Time to be more independent and honest.

 

[bèlla]

I know its an important part of history, but I don't do well with these kinds of things. It was just a thought.

I don't enjoy it either. The book was good but really difficult.

he wants someone honest and sincere that may come with some baggage but as they develop, they can check the luggage at the curb with a fresh start with and new partner and enjoy being a couple. He wants someone who is open and honest and wants the same from him.

It isn't uncommon for men to take on someone in need. Damsels are appealing to someone and others enjoy contributing to a person's betterment. Women do the same. We want to help or believe we can fix or rescue him.

This guy didn't say anything about being a queen, but the phrase "your wish is my demand" was humorous and intriguing, but made me think of queen or Kept treatment. Not that I've experienced that, just that it has that feel.

Kept women are usually unemployed. Though some work and receive an allowance.

Very interesting, never experienced this. This year, 2020 is the closest I've had to interactions with men in more prominent positions. Its wierd, I think its partially because I'm not as casual in my atire or what I'm looking for as I wasin my 30's. I've been working on updates this past year.

Having varied experiences is good. You never know who you'll meet. It allows you to gauge your comfort zone and explore new terrain.

Yes! That's why I mentioned towards the end I felt like I needed to see a therapist when he was on his timeshare down south where he met the girl he's with now. His periods of silence drove me nuts and even though I was honest and he said I could ask anything, I didn't sense I could ask anyting.

It sounds like his personality doesn't enrich your person. He's complicated.

 

[bèlla]

Yes, he went to parties with gay clients that I don't think he wanted to, but it was a necessary part and he'd put up with their flauntedness toward him since he was attractive. He spoke a certain way that was sort of with a flare.

Wow, that's hard. Hubby would need a new gig.

When I checked his assets they were so low for what he's making that it made me question how he spend more on his lifestyle than the 3 houses he owns (one being a business).

Keeping up with wealthy clients is hard if you don't have the discretionary income. Membership fees, dining, and travel will break your bank. He can save on clothing if he has a good tailor. The lifestyle is taxing on the budget.

Nothing I've seen, but I can imagine. I wouldn't be able to be a power couple as much as I'd like to or dream of it.

Why not? It isn't based on a number. Vision is the tipping point.

I think ENTJ's get tired of lazy people.

ENTJ's aren't easy to deal with. They're so competent they forget that isn't the case for everyone. I'm one of them.

I find this interesting that you said that, because I was about to write about the archtect being all about social media, when he's in a relationship. THe current one its like he's advertising or she's tagging trying to make others jealous of their relationship.

I don't put anyone on my social media. We can do that after the wedding.

 

[sampa]

Bella, I can't thank you enough for responding to some of this. I think my friends can only handle so much. it really helps me to sort out things and you've given me some answers others can't give. Such a blessing.

isn't uncommon for men to take on someone in need. Damsels are appealing to someone and others enjoy contributing to a person's betterment. Women do the same. We want to help or believe we can fix or rescue him.

He has kind of fizzled out. I think you hit the nail on the head that he's seeking damsels in distress. I didn't realize until reviewing my profile I have a picture of me in a beautiful gold dress next to a Christmas tree and a broken ornament in my hands. The caption reads, "and sometimes there are broken pieces." A pastor had commented how clever that caption was and that he liked it. I think once people get to know me they see that I'm not broken in the way that they would expect because so many people have gone through so many relationships with all kinds of damage. I have but it seems like God has swooped in each time and rescued me. Its like a protective father that knows what's best for his daughter.

It doesn't matter if you're addressing thousands or millions. The heart is the issue. God places people in different echelons of society. He knows what we can handle

Yes! Amen.

Why not? It isn't based on a number. Vision is the tipping point.

My systemic lupus is what prevents me. I remember befriending a guy when I was in my 20s living in Japan that was very charismatic. Built up and your typical fraternity boy turned born again. When we were traveling together and going to a retreat, he said we're going to rock this place. He was talking about the dynamic energy that both of us held. That's probably the closest I came to being as a dynamic couple. He annoyed me so bad with his loud music though. He went on to evangelism and Korea. I was able to see some of his YouTube programs.

I've seen women make bad decisions in this area more than once.

Yes, I can agree, I've seen it personally and the guy that I dated September that was an apologist, his parents had millions and his mother squandered it. He detested how she just wasted money. He was so grateful when we were on one of our dates in a big city at a restaurant and I knew he was on a budget, and I chose the cheaper dish. He almost fell over in his chair and couldn't thank me enough. And told me how his mother would have never done that.

He saw my post in an etiquette group. I described ladyship and her role as a spouse. He wrote me and asked where to find her.

That's an interesting story. Not your usual.

He was the youngest man I ever dated. He talked me...strong-armed me into it. We're so compatible its scary.

How young was he? I've always been attracted to younger men (5-20yrs). It's just only recently in The last 5 years that I've been open to older (11-12yr), of course more established and youthful.

I don't put anyone on my social media. We can do that after the wedding.

Yes, I'm starting to learn this. The one thing I have decided is that I will have to agree with somebody that I take a break if we break up. And announcing our status is not until engagement. That is the one thing that I told the prior guy from the spring that I wasn't willing to do tags of us together and that my dating life is private. He mentioned kind of with embarrassment about how his prior girlfriend posted so much, but he left it there which I thought was good so I could see some of his history. For the time he wasn't in an established relationship from March till the start of August his social media didn't have much activity on it. It's like a relationship is the only way that he can feel alive.

People who want to be seen and receive adulation take that route. Old school WASPs won't. I have no family or friends on my accounts. That's no ones business

Okay, that makes sense. That's amazing that you don't have family or friends on there. That's one of the only ways I can keep in touch with my sister and some of the family to see updates. But at the same time there's a value of privacy and I can totally see it fitting.

used to talk to someone who would create social media posts for me. I thought it was my imagination. But a friend knew him longer than I did. She said yeah, that's for you. He was quoting authors I read and mentioned in emails. And making graphics. I thought I was going crazy. But I knew he wasn't into Austen and Bronte!

This!!! You just confirmed what nobody else could seem to confirm about the guy that was the architect. I know there are things he is doing and posted that is in direct reference to me. Even though it's minimal the things I have seen, I'm pretty sure. One of the things that confirms it is when you see post that they never were posting before or had interest in before meeting you. Or doing things that they never thought of until you suggested it.

Keep in mind, you have more men approaching you than they have women responding to their posts. Haters gonna hate.

You are totally right. Just tonight when I was messaging a guy that is a brother in Christ (we are too far from each other and can't relocate) and talking about my rejection. He has been on this site for who knows how long and has only 46 likes and I've been on it since before Thanksgiving and have 1,400 likes. I can't see it since I'm not paying. And from what I've seen on the site I would imagine 98% are scammers. Statistically guys get less, but that just seems outrageous.

On the site the radio TV real estate guy was on, from August to December I had over a 100 likes waiting for me when I paid for a month membership. And 60 messages, it was overwhelming to decipher and respond to or not.

I've never tried Tinder, and I wonder if the statistics would be just as high as the one with 1400 likes. If it's because of a hookup culture.

 

[bèlla]

@sampa,

I had a funny experience a couple of weeks ago. I meant to text cara but I sent the link to my mum. It was something on here. That earned a call.

She's been kind of bleh for a bit about my prospects. The other day she laid it out and told me not to bring anyone home I met online.

My family used to be very conservative. I think they're swinging back in that direction. I mentioned someone and she was like, hmmm. *lol*

Southerners have a way with words. They can get their point across nicely.

 

[sampa]

@sampa,

I had a funny experience a couple of weeks ago. I meant to text cara but I sent the link to my mum. It was something on here. That earned a call.

She's been kind of bleh for a bit about my prospects. The other day she laid it out and told me not to bring anyone home I met online.

My family used to be very conservative. I think they're swinging back in that direction. I mentioned someone and she was like, hmmm. *lol*

Southerners have a way with words. They can get their point across nicely.

That's too funny that you text to your mom when you meant to send it to someone else.

Yes, same with my mom. She was so unhappy last spring when I started dating the architect. and made all kinds of suggestions for local churches to join and where the singles are, but then when I told her about the rundown of 20 years of dating and where it has brought me, she reconsidered. Last weekend I told her a couple of things about online dating, and she smiled. She knows that they are a part of the equation and what keeps some Christians away. That I am here for them and they don't have to worry about having to leave their house and that I'm trying to do my best to figure out the future for taking care of them. As they have taken care of me.

Who knows maybe all this online dating is preparing us for some when we can actually meet in person in our local area when we're least expecting it. I just pray that I am growing relationally and better prepared to be a suitable helper when the time comes.

 

[Jacob Sabin]

Looking forward to going to bed soon.

 

[bèlla]

Bella, I can't thank you enough for responding to some of this. I think my friends can only handle so much. it really helps me to sort out things and you've given me some answers others can't give. Such a blessing.

I'm happy to do so. No need to thank me. I've enjoyed it.

I think once people get to know me they see that I'm not broken in the way that they would expect because so many people have gone through so many relationships with all kinds of damage. I have but it seems like God has swooped in each time and rescued me. Its like a protective father that knows what's best for his daughter.

Broken people aren't very discerning. Their pain is in the way. They're apt to embrace suitors who appear like knights but their motives are otherwise. *tucks that in your tool belt*

My systemic lupus is what prevents me.

That isn't an impediment to keeping. That's where it began for me. When I was sick I met a lot of men who wanted to look after me. I didn't understand it. I was strong and independent and capable. But my body was breaking down. Finally, someone told me that assistance wasn't a denial of my strength. Helping me blessed them in return. I relented.

Your condition isn't a hindrance to being cared for or sharing your message. There are many ways to impact others.

Yes, I can agree, I've seen it personally and the guy that I dated September that was an apologist, his parents had millions and his mother squandered it. He detested how she just wasted money. He was so grateful when we were on one of our dates in a big city at a restaurant and I knew he was on a budget, and I chose the cheaper dish. He almost fell over in his chair and couldn't thank me enough. And told me how his mother would have never done that.

That's crazy. I couldn't do that to my husband and family.

Yes, I'm starting to learn this. The one thing I have decided is that I will have to agree with somebody that I take a break if we break up. And announcing our status is not until engagement.

Some people see social media as validation of a relationship. You can delete the posts. It isn't permanent. I don't need to be on anyone's feed. It doesn't matter.

It's like a relationship is the only way that he can feel alive.

How do you feel about that?

I've never tried Tinder, and I wonder if the statistics would be just as high as the one with 1400 likes. If it's because of a hookup culture.

I've never tried it. But given the culture I'd guess you need great pics.

 

[bèlla]

That's too funny that you text to your mom when you meant to send it to someone else.

The post was out there. She thought it was a Black Friday deal. Poor thing. *lol*

Yes, same with my mom. She was so unhappy last spring when I started dating the architect. and made all kinds of suggestions for local churches to join and where the singles are, but then when I told her about the rundown of 20 years of dating and where it has brought me, she reconsidered.

My mother has been along the ride from the start. I came online in my early twenties. I've met a few people. She's met some of them.

It was my dream to live overseas. Now I can. She wants me to experience it to the fullest and do all the things I've wanted to do. She believes I'm unencumbered for a reason. That allows me focus on school, work, ministry, etc.

Last weekend I told her a couple of things about online dating, and she smiled. She knows that they are a part of the equation and what keeps some Christians away. That I am here for them and they don't have to worry about having to leave their house and that I'm trying to do my best to figure out the future for taking care of them. As they have taken care of me.

That's beautiful. The Lord will bless your generosity. Take your time. You'll find the right person. He needs to be God's choice.

Who knows maybe all this online dating is preparing us for some when we can actually meet in person in our local area when we're least expecting it. I just pray that I am growing relationally and better prepared to be a suitable helper when the time comes.

Here's some questions I may throw out:

Where do you see yourself in five years and what have you done to get there?
How much have you checked off your bucket list?
If you could build anything what would it be and why?
How do you want to be remembered?

 

[sampa]

Broken people aren't very discerning. Their pain is in the way. They're apt to embrace suitors who appear like knights but their motives are otherwise. *tucks that in your tool belt*

Yes, I think your right. I was awoken with thoughts/vision at 2 am that were not my own and I'd never seen before. I think I know what I need to do, its a matter of either deleting or letting him fade. I think my response about what makes me tick or that I don't answer every message right away probably repels the guy that has "a soft spot for those in need".

Your condition isn't a hindrance to being cared for or sharing your message. There are many ways to impact others.

Yes, and I hope to find someone like the guy that I went on a date with in September that said he saw my condition as a ministry. But I'm not sure if they are just words.

That's crazy. I couldn't do that to my husband and family.

Yes, and interestingly the guy I dated in the spring said the same thing happened with his step-mom, she squandered millions after his fathers death and that's one of the reasons he inherited a time-share that he goes once a year. I've never heard stories like this till this year.

When we met he was 29. I protested. He told me to be quiet. *lol* The energy was so good. He knew how to handle me. Few do.

Sounds like he had the maturity

How do you feel about that?

Not sure, "empty". It feels like the teens who cut themselves just to feel something. I think he was looking for someone that could be his therapist and I definitely don't have the kind of strength to handle the glimpses I got of his withdrawals.

I didn't have my pics on the site. I put one up on a venue the mastermind and I frequented. He posted right behind me and quoted my post. It was a shot I'd taken for him. I changed avatars. He didn't need to say anything. I knew.

Interesting.

 

[sampa]

My responsibilities are next to nothing. I don't have to look after my parents. They put things in place and there's an agreement between she and my aunts for mutual care. That's what they want. She doesn't want me doing it. She wants me pursuing my purpose. She believes its my time to soar.

So glad that you have the support, that's awesome!

In her opinion, the likelihood of meeting someone online with similar circumstances is slim. The closest I've come is Mr. East Coast. She wants me to find someone who can add to my life. Not someone hoping I'll make their life easier.

I can understand. I'll be praying.

Where do you see yourself in five years and what have you done to get there?
How much have you checked off your bucket list?
If you could build anything what would it be and why?
How do you want to be remembered?

Very good questions. I'm sure you've established all of your own. I'm not sure if you wanted me to list it here, but I did as a motivation to do it.
Where do you see yourself in five years and what have you done to get there?
Easy, 5 years debts paid off, buy a new used car with the funds I start in a savings during the debt repayment (4 years). Take my mom on a trip a year after paying off the debts. Hopefully out of my current job and into the federal position in this area I've been applying for. Run a marathon 2022 and by that time start duathlon training. Saving up to buy a house and money for repairs. Saving for the trip to the UK & Japan 5 years after (2030). I also hope to have a home church to the location I moved a year ago, I had to revert back to the one I was with before because of the pandemic virtually. I want to be teaching bible classes to others and one on one mentorship. Also maybe hosting studies in my home. Hopefully in 5 years the yard I have will be much more developed with flowers and gardening than where it is currently. I really hope to have a new radio (bought in 90s) and laptop (2010 laptop) by then.

How much have you checked off your bucket list?
Don't believe in a bucket list, but I always have goals. 4 years ago I created a 31 list, hoping to accomplish thing that had been sitting undone for 15 years (because of various responsibilities and travel) within the first month. Didn't work and I realized some of the projects would take months. So at the end of the year I've added to that list with different colors, prioritized and reflected back on what was accomplished. I usually accomplish 5-7. I count things that are partially done as accomplished, its movement.

And as far as dreams, the example I used of New Orleans is a perfect example of how God has changed my heart. What I dreamed in my 20s is not the same as now. The Lord continues to change my heart on those things. And I was able to do things I hadn't dreamed, but God already knew he designed me for those. I never had much ambition in my younger years for international travel and those things happened not at my own expense. I've wanted to be in another job and have applied like crazy, but the Lord closed those doors and opened ways financially to meet my needs. Same with progression in the military, the doors were closed to advance, but the Lord wanted me to still be there. Its like my wILL is so strong that the Lord keeps me in lower positions to create humility in me. But as far as some of my dreams, I've found ways around what I couldn't do, like having a tea party and having someone I knew that did missions in the UK be the speaker. I'll have another one virtually for my birthday next year with a speaker. And during the pandemic, I planned out trips to many locations and foods I'd not tried before while accomplishing my running training plan.

The biggest is getting through everything, out of snowplowing so I can sort through my photos/albums and revisit the videos I used to take and do some editing. Maybe produce videos that translate my stories into teachings/short films.

If you could build anything what would it be and why?
I have not desire to build anything, but my biological father always dreamed of building a HOUSE OF JOSEPH. I think the idea was for those in need. Given the money and the question asked of me, I would start with that and continue his legacy with the help of my sister being involved.

How do you want to be remembered?
Of coarse I want others to remember for the spirit of Christ and impacting others for eternal glory. That quality of life is more important than quantity. And many times that investment is not in material things. That my prayers impact and uplift those in need. And if anything living a life that was outside the norm, one that inspiring life changing movies are made of.