This was originally posted in the marriage forum but I'm reposting here by request so everyone else may join the discussion too.
There are some good pastors out there who understand the dynamics of abuse. I've found them to be few and far between. Several dynamics are at play:
a) protection of the ol' boys
b) twisting Scripture verses about wives submitting to husbands
c) the outsized influence in the churches of the popular book "Love and Respect", aka "The Husband's Calling to Abuse His Wife" that has made many recommended reading lists and widely adapted by conservative churches; however the book plays on Bible-y phrases and concepts that are unquestioned in the filters of many conservative believers to subtly twist and shift the enactment of submission beyond anything the Bible would recognize.
Here is one story of an abused wife who sought help from the church. I'm so very sad to say this is result is more typical than not. So, so sad.
Women Say Harvest Protected Abusive Husbands, Not Abused Wives, Part Two | Julie Roys
"Love and Respect's" fingerprints are all over this part:
"
However, Frers [the abused wife] said in 2012, she told Becky Willey that she was afraid to join her husband who had three months earlier moved to Fairfax, Virginia, to plant a church. Frers said Willey dismissed her concerns, saying that all she had to do was sleep with her husband and things would be fine.
Frers said this answer was typical for Becky Willey. Frers said in meetings with other pastors’ wives, Willey would teach wives that their number one role as wives was to give their husbands what no one else could—sex. Frers said Willey told wives that it was a sin for women to refuse their husbands sexually. This was one of the reasons Frers said she didn’t tell leaders at HBC Davenport about her husband’s sexual abuse. “I feared (my husband),” Frers said, “but I feared God even more.”
Interesting.
I have found, in my experience, that pastors avoid the whole "women submit to your husbands" altogether.
I found that they had no issue with dealing with abuse for either side, men abusing women or women abusing men... this is a no brainier these days and totally unacceptable. Any abuse is going to be easily condemned without worry of any of what you are suggesting.
I am very surprised by the text in blue... I cannot see any pastor saying that to a wife in my area of this planet.
Maybe it's our different vantage points, you being a woman and I being a man..
From where I stand, pastors, here anyway, won't go down the road of teaching the dreaded "biblical marriage" anymore.
Telling a woman, today, that she should submit, is not even on the table and few will tackle that subject.
I must say, before I get hammered by people assuming I am a "male chauvinist pig", that I disagree with any abuse. I don't think women should be barefoot and pregnant. Nor do I have any issue with them working, making more than their husbands (as mind did). I think whoever is home first gets supper on... all parties share duties around the house.. Men should know how to run the washer and dryer.... and how to scrub a dish and dry it.
I do know, however, that there is a perfect arrangement that God had for men and women in the marriage.. I saw it in my parents. My dad was the head.. my mother wanted for nothing. He protected her and she came first before anything. She was his queen. She respected him and he was the king.
We were raised to never fight or hit unless it was to protect you or someone else.. and never ever a female.
I'm sorry that your life has lead you to this mindset.. but... in my experience, this is not the case... not in my neck of the woods.