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Why I don't recommend abused women seek help from pastors or the church

Discussion in '"My Two Cents Worth"' started by Endeavourer, Sep 4, 2019.

  1. Paidiske

    Paidiske Clara bonam audax Supporter

    +16,156
    Australia
    Anglican
    Married
    What I would like to see from you is a retraction of any suggestion that abuse can be solved with "more sex." "Marital problems and how to have a successful marriage" are off topic to the OP.

    There are lots of reasons why abused spouses stay. It does sound as if in this situation she listened too much to people in the church who pressured her to stay.

    But that was part of the point of this thread; to point out the problem of people in churches who do not understand abuse and who do things like pressure abused spouses to stay.

    Romance is not going to fix abuse. Before romance can even be possible, there must be basic safety. Every relationship needs to be safe for everyone in that relationship.

    Bringing up romance in response to abuse is not helpful; it suggests that the victim can fix the problem by being more romantic (or giving more sex), and that is false.
     
  2. createdtoworship

    createdtoworship In the grip of grace

    +1,707
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    well I have said what needed to be said, carry on. Unsubscribing. (the rest of your post I agree with and did not even remotely suggest, if someone want to know what I actually said, then just read some of my posts here. GBY)
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2020
  3. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33 Supporter

    +6,794
    Anglican
    Married
    When only one spouse is interested and the other is being coerced - that's not called "romance". There's another name for that situation.
     
  4. Sam91

    Sam91 Child of the Living God Supporter

    +7,996
    United Kingdom
    Christian
    Private
    Sex does not solve abuse. An abusive person abuses because there is something wrong with them.

    The abused spouse it not to blame. S/he is innocent of being the cause of abuse. Plenty of people live in hard situations and don't respond with violence. Those that do are at fault and bear the responsibility. It's up to the abuser to heal and change thier thinking. God is Healer.

    However, after suffering a short period of abuse (I left) at the hands of a supposed Christian I know sex has nothing to do with it. We had intercourse daily and I was at fault for not wanting to be molested and kiss intimately infront of my children. It would have been wrong to submit to what he wanted. I was abused for supposedly refusing to submit. My plea that I need to walk in the Spirit and not in the flesh all day was ignored.

    He ripped up my bible infront of my then 9 year old. He first assaulted me within days of marriage. I wasn't sure why. I just sobbed. We had been awake about 15 minutes. He said to do the same to him. I refused. The next time he kicked me while I was changing my child's nappy. A couple of weeks later he bit me leaving a huge bruise on my elbow.

    At the same time he would disparage everything about me in rants and I would sit there trying not to sin. I got very good at forgiveness and bearing insult without hating and praying earnestly for strength and wisdom. Praise the Lord.

    He also tried to hide a camera to record us in bed. Thankfully, somehow I just knew and I found the camera. Then a night later came a viscious attack. I'm 5 foot 1, he is 6 foot 7. He punched me repetitively in my head. I screamed call the police and he called the police and I was arrested. I didn't get chance to mention the assault because in the UK they tell you not to say anything until you have spoken to a solicitor. She told me to just say no comment. It was 1 am and she was just on the phome and only had the police's side of the story. She didn't take mine. It is a shame because had I been able to speak there and then there might have been enough evidence to charge him. (By the time I did tell them and they saw the bruises and medical report a few days later there was no proof I sustained the injuries when I said.)

    My church thought I was the bad guy because I was too traumatised to speak at church that weekend.

    The next day I asked for a separation and counselling. He said 'that was the final nail in my coffin'. I recorded him in the back garden saying 'I'm going to commit a crime and you will get the blame for it, you will go to prison. A category A prison' I called 999, the police wouldn't do anything so I said there was no way my kids and I could stay in the house and we weren't safe so to help us leave. They got him to stay the night in a hotel on my credit card.

    He came back just after the kids went to school. I fled in my pyjama's with only my bank card and my youngest. I went into refuge. That night the police phoned me saying i needed to tell them where I was. I refused. I said I had fled and I would go to speak to them the other day and I have done nothing wrong. Turns out he had accused me of writing him a death threat letter. I hadn't so it blew over eventually. (No one who knew me had either because I hadn't told anyone what was happening. I was too embarassed and scared).

    All this was in 2.5months of marriage. I was then told by people in my church to forgive him. He went about saying I had bipolar, I don't. I was traumatised from the attack.

    I left that church. Fortunately, my reputation was only damaged there. I had lived in the area for many years and had not had anything dysfunctional happen before. My church had only known me a few months and him for 2 months. He would try to preach at everyone so they trusted him over me. He spoke the part.

    When I moved back into my house once he left I looked through his things as I packed them. I found he had a criminal past for domestic violence and had been to prison. He had been on remand too for attacking his brother with an axe. Abuse isn't about sex.

    By the way this was a while back. I am over it. God is good!
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2020
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  5. Sam91

    Sam91 Child of the Living God Supporter

    +7,996
    United Kingdom
    Christian
    Private
    Also, that term 'holding out' is offensive. Affection is a two way street. Is the term used when men don't want to be affectionate? No, then there is an issue which needs attended to with support and tact. I've not heard of men being treated in such a way to order them to be intimate.

    Since when is demanding that a women engage in such activity acceptable rather than beseeching a guy to love her like Christ loves the church? Rather than think of his needs he ought to put her's above his own instead of demanding that from the injured party.

    Our God loves justice and hates oppression. We are to stand up for the meek and not allow oppression within our midst. Since when should we tell people to indulge the flesh instead of pointing the sinner to Christ?
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2020
  6. bekkilyn

    bekkilyn Contemplative Christian Supporter

    +6,331
    United States
    United Methodist
    Celibate
    US-Others
    No wonder fewer people are getting married nowadays. Who wants to subject themselves to a binding contract of sexual obligation for the purpose of staving off a lifetime of physical and emotional abuse? Yuck.
     
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