Feeling Bad about Being Over 40 and Single

[Blessed Introvert]

No worries God can use you in your singleness to help others.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I had an aunt who had just retired from teaching school when her husband passed away. She spent her time traveling to National Parks and took a summer job at one. She said there were a couple of men who were interested in her. She would let them take her to dinner, but not get heavily involved in any relationships. She said after spending a life caring for other people's kids and her husband at home, she wanted to do what she wanted to do, and come and go when she wanted. She was done taking care of other people.

So she was just getting free dinners of these guys?

 

[Messerve]

Good idea. Be careful too if they start playing with their hair.

Actually the main instance I can think of a man's wife playing with her hair around me was when I joked I had lice... (I wonder why I'm single? hahaha) Her hair was tied up in a bun before I knew what happened!

However, the unintended affect of that interaction was that it put some probably needed distance between us. For awhile I was very concerned because she had been messaging me privately - during his birthday celebration no less. And being a good friend of his, I felt very guilty about that. He knew that she messaged me sometimes, but I don't think he knew it would go on for hours...

So finally in one of our conversations (on Valentine's Day, which I unthinkingly initiated) I made it clear that I didn't intend on getting between them or being part of a weird love triangle thing. Since then, my friend and I are even closer and despite my joke about lice, I remain a more distant friend of his wife's.

 

[HisGraceAbounds]

Does anyone feel bad when they are judged for not being married? When people write blogs about how women who are over 40 and not married will remain unmarried, that they are miserable, doomed to loneliness, etc.

For me the judgment about not being married isn't nearly as bad as the judgment I get from people who find out I don't have any desire to be married or to even date. I get a lot of "why" questions from people with a look of disbelief on their faces. Even trying to remain silent or very mum about my personal life gets me some funny looks.

It's not easy to be different, think different, feel different in this world. People, by and large, have expectations (even if they are consciously aware of them), and if you don't meet those expectations, you get treated differently - and not in a good way. Secular folks or Christians - it makes no difference.. In fact, I've been treated worse by Christians because of my views than I have from secular folks.

 

[A. Sinner]

I’m 45 , male, kinda p1$$3d off that I’m not married with kids. I’m a good catch too, what the heck man

 

[Messerve]

I’m 45 , male, kinda p1$$3d off that I’m not married with kids. I’m a good catch too, what the heck man

Maybe you're just too good? Women are scared because they know they'll never match up to you.

 

[exitstageright]

Good idea. Be careful too if they start playing with their hair.

Or, if they start playing with your hair.
For example,when I was newly married, at 33,I was in a casino,on a cruise ship, playing the slot machine. An attractive woman,in her sixties,approached me and said, "Hi!". I then said "Hi" to her. Then she started playing with my hair! I got up and left. I then thought to my self,"Why,oh why did women not flirt with me like that when I was single?"
At that time.my wife,her aunt,my mother-law,and my father-in law were elsewhere on the same ship!
There was no way that I was going to fool around with this strange woman.

 

[Messerve]

For me the judgment about not being married isn't nearly as bad as the judgment I get from people who find out I don't have any desire to be married or to even date. I get a lot of "why" questions from people with a look of disbelief on their faces. Even trying to remain silent or very mum about my personal life gets me some funny looks.

It's not easy to be different, think different, feel different in this world. People, by and large, have expectations (even if they are consciously aware of them), and if you don't meet those expectations, you get treated differently - and not in a good way. Secular folks or Christians - it makes no difference.. In fact, I've been treated worse by Christians because of my views than I have from secular folks.

I think the secular world kind of assumes a single man is sleeping around covertly even if you don't seem like the type to do that. So in some ways, that wins you some credit with them for being so good at keeping your secret and putting on a Christian face at the same time. It's what they would do if they were single, so they assume it's what you're doing.

Within the church, however, the issue is that they know a true follower of Jesus shouldn't at all be living like that, so then they have to draw a different conclusion. They assume either you are not really a Christian and are sleeping around secretly, that you have an unbiblical sexual attraction that forces you to be celibate or that you actually are being faithful and waiting and for some reason God hasn't given you a girl yet. But that last one seems the least likely to them and they don't get why you wouldn't have a girl if you're a godly guy.

They ignore a lot of things about modern-day women (Christian women included) like only looking for a man who's tall or has money or has a "bad boy" aura. It's all so wrong, but that's what catches women's attention so often. So if you're average or less than average height, very kind and gentlemanly, or not particularly successful and rich then your chances diminish considerably.

All three describe me. Help.

 

[Sam91]

I think the secular world kind of assumes a single man is sleeping around covertly even if you don't seem like the type to do that. So in some ways, that wins you some credit with them for being so good at keeping your secret and putting on a Christian face at the same time. It's what they would do if they were single, so they assume it's what you're doing.

Within the church, however, the issue is that they know a true follower of Jesus shouldn't at all be living like that, so then they have to draw a different conclusion. They assume either you are not really a Christian and are sleeping around secretly, that you have an unbiblical sexual attraction that forces you to be celibate or that you actually are being faithful and waiting and for some reason God hasn't given you a girl yet. But that last one seems the least likely to them and they don't get why you wouldn't have a girl if you're a godly guy.

They ignore a lot of things about modern-day women (Christian women included) like only looking for a man who's tall or has money or has a "bad boy" aura. It's all so wrong, but that's what catches women's attention so often. So if you're average or less than average height, very kind and gentlemanly, or not particularly successful and rich then your chances diminish considerably.

All three describe me. Help.

I don't think women are looking for that. Plenty of short men are married. There is a guy same height as me (5 foot 1.. he might be taller, haven't checked.. but it seems as though he is my height) at my church. He is married to a GP.

I'm resolutely single but to me the most attractive qualities are a kind heart and a nice and respectful nature to all around him. I simply would not be interested in a tall, funny guy if he had a judgemental, arrogant or cynical attitude. I would need to see the fruit of the spirit in his life.

 

[bèlla]

I think the secular world kind of assumes a single man is sleeping around covertly even if you don't seem like the type to do that.

I never thought that nor have the women I’ve known. Oftentimes its the reverse. We give too much credit and fail to exercise suspicion in our interactions without provocation. I don’t readily assume the worst about anyone.

So in some ways, that wins you some credit with them for being so good at keeping your secret and putting on a Christian face at the same time. It's what they would do if they were single, so they assume it's what you're doing.

How is deception credible? No woman respects that. We know we’ll be on the receiving end of the same. And if she’s too blind to figure it out a friend will provide the wake up call on her behalf.

But that last one seems the least likely to them and they don't get why you wouldn't have a girl if you're a godly guy.

There are a lot of men struggling to find a companion. Christians and unbelievers. It isn’t easy and the same is true for women. There are many reasons that contribute to someone’s singleness and they aren’t always negative.

They ignore a lot of things about modern-day women (Christian women included) like only looking for a man who's tall or has money or has a "bad boy" aura.

No one truly wants an unhealthy relationship. Broken people often make poor choices which lead to bad pairings. But few are welcoming the calamity with open arms.

And most men aren’t six feet. I see a lot of women paired with men who are average height or shorter. As for money, most men aren’t affluent or wealthy but they still find companions.

Providers who want a sincere relationship are generally attracted to women whose mindset and disposition are primarily concerned with his welfare and the home. He knows that he can devote himself to work because she’s capable of handling the rest. It is a partnership. He rewards her prowess and it frees him for greater growth.

It's all so wrong, but that's what catches women's attention so often. So if you're average or less than average height, very kind and gentlemanly, or not particularly successful and rich then your chances diminish considerably.

I think your mindset plays a big part in who you attract. If you expect to fail and believe your attributes won’t be well received it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What a woman desires most is someone who treats her well, is willing to listen, and makes her feel she matters. Most of the things you’re referencing are of no concern or not an option for the majority of the people you encounter.

I think its errant to assign absolutes to anyone. Some men want a trophy. Others want a power couple dynamic and more than a few crave a wife and mother. You’ll encounter all three in secular and Christian circles.

In a perfect world we’d base our decisions wholly on the heart and spirit. But its fallen. Rest assured you’re doing the same. Your criteria may not include the things mentioned but bias is a fact of life.

As this thread proves, many men are seeking someone physically attractive and a few were candid in their replies. No one said they were willing to consider an overweight partner even though statistics tell us otherwise. That is becoming the norm.

In the end, we must look to the Lord. If we’re pliable and willing to listen He can address the stumbling blocks that inhibit us from finding the one we seek. Sometimes we’re challenged to go outside our comfort zone.

 

[Messerve]

I never thought that nor have the women I’ve known. Oftentimes its the reverse. We give too much credit and fail to exercise suspicion in our interactions without provocation. I don’t readily assume the worst about anyone.



How is deception credible? No woman respects that. We know we’ll be on the receiving end of the same. And if she’s too blind to figure it out a friend will provide the wake up call on her behalf.



There are a lot of men struggling to find a companion. Christians and unbelievers. It isn’t easy and the same is true for women. There are many reasons that contribute to someone’s singleness and they aren’t always negative.



No one truly wants an unhealthy relationship. Broken people often make poor choices which lead to bad pairings. But few are welcoming the calamity with open arms.

And most men aren’t six feet. I see a lot of women paired with men who are average height or shorter. As for money, most men aren’t affluent or wealthy but they still find companions.

Providers who want a sincere relationship are generally attracted to women whose mindset and disposition are primarily concerned with his welfare and the home. He knows that he can devote himself to work because she’s capable of handling the rest. It is a partnership. He rewards her prowess and it frees him for greater growth.



I think your mindset plays a big part in who you attract. If you expect to fail and believe your attributes won’t be well received it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What a woman desires most is someone who treats her well, is willing to listen, and makes her feel she matters. Most of the things you’re referencing are of no concern or not an option for the majority of the people you encounter.

I think its errant to assign absolutes to anyone. Some men want a trophy. Others want a power couple dynamic and more than a few crave a wife and mother. You’ll encounter all three in secular and Christian circles.

In a perfect world we’d base our decisions wholly on the heart and spirit. But its fallen. Rest assured you’re doing the same. Your criteria may not include the things mentioned but bias is a fact of life.

As this thread proves, many men are seeking someone physically attractive and a few were candid in their replies. No one said they were willing to consider an overweight partner even though statistics tell us otherwise. That is becoming the norm.

In the end, we must look to the Lord. If we’re pliable and willing to listen He can address the stumbling blocks that inhibit us from finding the one we seek. Sometimes we’re challenged to go outside our comfort zone.

So I was speaking more from the perspective of other men, not women. You win points in the eyes of worldly men if they suspect you're really good at keeping a secret - and they tend to assume that you're not as single as you appear. I can't really speak as well about what women of the world would say about a single man who says he's waiting. Though I would think they'd have more appreciation for it and probably believe it more often, too.

You may be right in your point about the mindset thing. Though I don't drag my feet and get depressed, I do often assume my chances are small of ever finding a woman who would actually want to live life with me. I think I just have a very low self-esteem. I have a friend who is very dedicated to me, and I'm constantly questioning why he would want to do anything with me and how our friendship has lasted this long...

You're right about those statistics about whom men are attracted to. I know some guys who ogle at pictures of models, but their girlfriends don't look like that at all. I've never figured out how that works...

 

[bèlla]

So I was speaking more from the perspective of other men, not women. You win points in the eyes of worldly men if they suspect you're really good at keeping a secret - and they tend to assume that you're not as single as you appear.

I have only dated secular men. The people you’re speaking of aren’t honorable. Why would you need to be secretive unless there’s deception? They’re probably assuming that people are as underhanded as them. But most men aren’t that way. There are ethical and unethical men in both camps.

I never had anyone question my celibacy or doubt it. Not because I’m awkward or inexperienced. It was the openness and absence of jadedness that gave it away. Sometimes men say things to gauge your reaction. Though I seem to forget my male IQ these days.

I can't really speak as well about what women of the world would say about a single man who says he's waiting. Though I would think they'd have more appreciation for it and probably believe it more often, too.

I wouldn’t assume anything negative. I don’t want someone whose bedded hundreds. That has no appeal for me. But I’m equally aware the likelihood he’s been with another is strong. If he’s not a virgin that isn’t a deal breaker.

I just have a very low self-esteem. I have a friend who is very dedicated to me, and I'm constantly questioning why he would want to do anything with me and how our friendship has lasted this long...

When you love someone the heart is sated when they’re near or you’re serving them. It doesn’t always make sense to the recipient. They may never understand.

I used to tell someone; I love you like the stars. I was describing a depth of love I was incapable of measuring. When I’m giving or sharing my heart I’m operating on a frequency of bliss and peace unlike my norm. It feeds something within that I don’t comprehend but deeply respect.

You're right about those statistics about whom men are attracted to. I know some guys who ogle at pictures of models, but their girlfriends don't look like that at all. I've never figured out how that works...

I know aesthetic beauty is important to many. But our society rewards it at great levels. And the scarcer it becomes the higher the tag. Attractive women want to be valued for what they bring to the table besides a pretty face or lovely form. Being someone’s doll isn’t the cakewalk most assume.

I believe relationships involve give and take. Ideally, both are contributing to the betterment of the other person. But physical alterations are a sensitive issue for most. However, I think its possible to broach the subject lovingly and provide the support and accountability that may be lacking. She should offer the same in his areas of weakness too.

 

[Sam91]

So I was speaking more from the perspective of other men, not women. You win points in the eyes of worldly men if they suspect you're really good at keeping a secret - and they tend to assume that you're not as single as you appear. I can't really speak as well about what women of the world would say about a single man who says he's waiting. Though I would think they'd have more appreciation for it and probably believe it more often, too.

You may be right in your point about the mindset thing. Though I don't drag my feet and get depressed, I do often assume my chances are small of ever finding a woman who would actually want to live life with me. I think I just have a very low self-esteem. I have a friend who is very dedicated to me, and I'm constantly questioning why he would want to do anything with me and how our friendship has lasted this long...

You're right about those statistics about whom men are attracted to. I know some guys who ogle at pictures of models, but their girlfriends don't look like that at all. I've never figured out how that works...

I also haven't had anyone question my celibacy, openess or integrity. I can't imagine suspecting anyone within my church either.

Titus 1:15 To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted.

If the people you mentioned are Christians maybe it might be time to find other Christians who have been renewed in mind to fellowship more with. If you still think like this it might be worth taking thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) and praying about them. You're not of the world anymore, you're in Christ and this way of thinking hinders.

I'm not meaning to be impolite and I hope that I don't come across as anything other than supportive. There's a lot more peace to be had when we aren't focussing on the sinful ways of the world. Philippians 4:6-8

With love in Christ,

Samantha.

 

[Messerve]

I also haven't had anyone question my celibacy, openess or integrity. I can't imagine suspecting anyone within my church either.

Titus 1:15 To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted.

If the people you mentioned are Christians maybe it might be time to find other Christians who have been renewed in mind to fellowship more with. If you still think like this it might be worth taking thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) and praying about them. You're not of the world anymore, you're in Christ and this way of thinking hinders.

I'm not meaning to be impolite and I hope that I don't come across as anything other than supportive. There's a lot more peace to be had when we aren't focusing on the sinful ways of the world. Philippians 4:6-8

With love in Christ,

Samantha.

Yeah you may be right. I try to be realistic, but I may just be wrong altogether. I haven't had anyone actually question me to my face, but there are certain individuals who seem cold to me and I always just imagine it's because they have doubts about my personal life as a single man.

My co-workers DO think that way and I know that for a fact. So I think it's rubbing off on me a little. I don't think that way about any other single Christians, but I do often figure it's the case with any single person outside the church. And, honestly, it usually IS the case. At least where I come from.

 

[Sam91]

Yeah you may be right. I try to be realistic, but I may just be wrong altogether. I haven't had anyone actually question me to my face, but there are certain individuals who seem cold to me and I always just imagine it's because they have doubts about my personal life as a single man.

My co-workers DO think that way and I know that for a fact. So I think it's rubbing off on me a little. I don't think that way about any other single Christians, but I do often figure it's the case with any single person outside the church. And, honestly, it usually IS the case. At least where I come from.

I think that explains a lot of it. Seek fellowship more with Christians. They are supposed to not judge you, they are supposed to think of you as a brother in Christ... They are supposed to love you! (If they don't then it's not your fault, it's their walk with God and failings... I fail too) You are a redeemed Child of the the Lord God Almighty. You are clothed in Christ's righteousness. You are worthy in Christ to wear the armour of God! (Ephesians 6) I used to feel unworthy to wear the helmet of Salvation, breast plate of righteousness etc...

However, I learned that even if I behaved my very best I would still not be good enough. God still loves you, His creation. He still has compassion and good will towards you. He will teach, lead, renew you. He will strengthen you. How amazing is that?! You who are but like a grain of sand, lifespan of a fraction of blink of an eye compared to eternity... as insignificant as the rest of us... Yet, Almighty God still cares for you! He still loves you... He still loves me... it's unfathomable. Also, don't compare yourself to others... we're all in need of Him just as much as each other. Proverbs 3:5-6

PS try not to let your co-workers thinking affect you. Your co-workers if not Christian are in the world and think like the world. They, unfortunately are dead in their sins. Pray for them.

 

[ToBeLoved]

Does anyone feel bad when they are judged for not being married? When people write blogs about how women who are over 40 and not married will remain unmarried, that they are miserable, doomed to loneliness, etc.

No. Not at all.

We can’t let other people’s expectations rule us. We are followers of Christ and God has His plan for us.

 

[bèlla]

I think your personal beliefs are amplifying outside opinions. I used to mentor someone who had little experience with the opposite sex. She was 21.Another friend was in his late 30’s with a medical condition which prevented physical intercourse. But he learned to cope.

We all have challenges. Stop focusing on outside opinion and put your attention on God and allow Him to build your esteem and worth.

 

[Messerve]

I think that explains a lot of it. Seek fellowship more with Christians. They are supposed to not judge you, they are supposed to think of you as a brother in Christ... They are supposed to love you! (If they don't then it's not your fault, it's their walk with God and failings... I fail too) You are a redeemed Child of the the Lord God Almighty. You are clothed in Christ's righteousness. You are worthy in Christ to wear the armour of God! (Ephesians 6) I used to feel unworthy to wear the helmet of Salvation, breast plate of righteousness etc...

However, I learned that even if I behaved my very best I would still not be good enough. God still loves you, His creation. He still has compassion and good will towards you. He will teach, lead, renew you. He will strengthen you. How amazing is that?! You who are but like a grain of sand, lifespan of a fraction of blink of an eye compared to eternity... as insignificant as the rest of us... Yet, Almighty God still cares for you! He still loves you... He still loves me... it's unfathomable. Also, don't compare yourself to others... we're all in need of Him just as much as each other. Proverbs 3:5-6

PS try not to let your co-workers thinking affect you. Your co-workers if not Christian are in the world and think like the world. They, unfortunately are dead in their sins. Pray for them.

Thanks! I appreciate all the Scripture you've shared. Lately I have been thinking about how much I really need to put on the Armor of God again because lately I've felt like I'm maybe wearing this piece and that piece but then some other pieces are falling off. It's crazy that for all those years of Sunday school as a kid learning about the Armor of God I still forget about it all the time.

I need something to bring new life to my faith. I've been to church practically every Sunday my whole life, I graduated from Bible college, I've participated in all kinds of ministries, I lived with missionaries for three weeks, I've done street ministry and helped victims of sex trafficking, I preached at a nursing home, etc, etc. I'm at the point where not a lot strikes me as something I haven't heard already and I kind of don't feel like just joining another Bible study, as great as they can be.

Everything is so temporary in the church. These wonderful, new ministry outreach ideas appear and everyone jumps on board and then one year later (if even that) it's a vague memory and everyone is moving on to the next great ministry idea. Not to mention all the people who come and go at churches. I thought it was supposed to be a family? How do people just up and leave and not say a word to anyone if we're a family? I'm really tired of constant changes and meeting new people and riding the waves.

So I struggle to want more fellowship sometimes. It's seems sort of futile at times. Yet I know it's probably something I need, too, so it's all just frustrating.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

You're right about those statistics about whom men are attracted to. I know some guys who ogle at pictures of models, but their girlfriends don't look like that at all. I've never figured out how that works...

they settled for what they could get rather than what they wanted. it's what most people do.

 

[Sam91]

Thanks! I appreciate all the Scripture you've shared. Lately I have been thinking about how much I really need to put on the Armor of God again because lately I've felt like I'm maybe wearing this piece and that piece but then some other pieces are falling off. It's crazy that for all those years of Sunday school as a kid learning about the Armor of God I still forget about it all the time.

I need something to bring new life to my faith. I've been to church practically every Sunday my whole life, I graduated from Bible college, I've participated in all kinds of ministries, I lived with missionaries for three weeks, I've done street ministry and helped victims of sex trafficking, I preached at a nursing home, etc, etc. I'm at the point where not a lot strikes me as something I haven't heard already and I kind of don't feel like just joining another Bible study, as great as they can be.

Everything is so temporary in the church. These wonderful, new ministry outreach ideas appear and everyone jumps on board and then one year later (if even that) it's a vague memory and everyone is moving on to the next great ministry idea. Not to mention all the people who come and go at churches. I thought it was supposed to be a family? How do people just up and leave and not say a word to anyone if we're a family? I'm really tired of constant changes and meeting new people and riding the waves.

So I struggle to want more fellowship sometimes. It's seems sort of futile at times. Yet I know it's probably something I need, too, so it's all just frustrating.

Well, I don't think about wearing my armour either. However, I remember feeling unworthy to wear it. You've been much more actively involved in the Church than me. Maybe you need to rest in Him and seek His strength and healing. Ask Him to give you what you need.

I was feeling like I was getting lukewarm and prayed last week for the gold refined by fire. (Revelation 2 or 3). I have had lots of trials since but throughout all that I have been led to read by coincidence of what the Lord did through worse times when I was fervent in an old prayer journal. Then miraculously the person who gave me such a hard, scary time messaged me on facebook messenger to try to condemn me, subtly threaten me and find fault with me. This led to me wanting to pray for Him, which filled me with gratitude to the Lord and awe! He protected me, equipped me, reminded me of what He had done in the past and showed me anew the delight in His ways (praying for those who want to hurt you).

You sound weary. Isaiah 40:28-31 (It's 2.30am here, so I might be reading through my own the tired lens . ) You also seem to be recognising things about your church which you have a good point over.

I'm glad of this really chaotic week as it has helped me.

Good night brother.