So, I'm trying to follow God once again and I have been (unsuccessfully) for a while. I'm trying to turn from my sin, I'm reading the Bible even though I'm not that into it, and I'm trying to pray to God. Regarding that last one I have hit a snag. I have a lot of problems. I'm 24, have aspergers syndrome, live with my parents, don't have a job (I can't get a full time job because my mother put me on disability when I was in high school), don't have a drivers license. I have no friends (not that I'd want one because I generally can't stand people) except my family which is why I'd never move out by myself even if given the opportunity, I have been separated from God for 14 years though I've tried vociferously to get back to him. I have a degree in Criminal Justice and I'm getting another degree in paralegal, so I'm not a complete failure. And all of this poses a problem because I want something basic in my life that as the years pass it looks like I'll never have. I want a wife and children, a car, a house, a job, children, and to live a moral life. I desire strongly to have a girlfriend right now, a companion to make life more livable and have since I was old enough to like girls. I have lived a past in high school where I was treated like garbage by everyone; and I live in a family where my borderline personality suffering mother sometimes abuses alcohol and my father who (also has aspergers) sometimes gets angry enough to lay hands upon her.
What I'm saying is that I have a lot of problems and I have brought all of them to God many times over the course of many years and he has not dealt with a single one of them. I have absolutely no power over my life. I cannot get a full time job myself, I cannot attract woman on my own, I cannot make my insane parents sane. I have been robbed of everything that makes a man a man, and whats more I have no real relationship with God. I pray and pray to God and he says and does absolutely nothing. I ask what he wants me to do to come back to him and he says nothing. So then I demand that he tells me what to do and does nothing. Then I yell and curse and rail against him and he still does nothing. I ask for a girlfriend and future wife and he gives me nothing. I ask he give me guidance on what to do in my life and he says nothing. My God has never competently lifted a finger for my benefit. What times he has intervened in my life has either left me confused or did not solve the problem. I'm trying to follow God again as I've tried many times but my prayer to him today was basically "what is there to talk about? I have many problems that I keep bringing to you and you don't even show any outward signs that you are listening. So if you don't care about my problems, if you will not tell me how to return to you, if you will not help me in following you, there is nothing to talk about." There is literally nothing to talk about with an absentee God.
What I'm saying is that I have a lot of problems and I have brought all of them to God many times over the course of many years and he has not dealt with a single one of them. I have absolutely no power over my life. I cannot get a full time job myself, I cannot attract woman on my own, I cannot make my insane parents sane. I have been robbed of everything that makes a man a man, and whats more I have no real relationship with God. I pray and pray to God and he says and does absolutely nothing. I ask what he wants me to do to come back to him and he says nothing. So then I demand that he tells me what to do and does nothing. Then I yell and curse and rail against him and he still does nothing. I ask for a girlfriend and future wife and he gives me nothing. I ask he give me guidance on what to do in my life and he says nothing. My God has never competently lifted a finger for my benefit. What times he has intervened in my life has either left me confused or did not solve the problem. I'm trying to follow God again as I've tried many times but my prayer to him today was basically "what is there to talk about? I have many problems that I keep bringing to you and you don't even show any outward signs that you are listening. So if you don't care about my problems, if you will not tell me how to return to you, if you will not help me in following you, there is nothing to talk about." There is literally nothing to talk about with an absentee God.
