Right Thing To Do? (Married Couple Issue)

[adriw7878]

We are both 56 yo. Married 32 yrs now. She was my first love. First 28 yrs of our marriage was a lovely and story book romance ... until I was comatosed for 2 yrs. Medical negligence issue.

1. When I first woke up from my comatosed state, I saw a worried look in my wife's face. She was planning to intern me in a disabled hospice.

2. She was very active in gym (6-7 am) Mon-Fri. Lost 20 lbs from what I remembered (ie 2014) and new dress code. I complimented her on her looks.

3. She was having a very disturbing actions (for me) with her mobile now. In the evenings (Mon-Fri), she would be having very friendly (smiling and giggling) SMS with someone .... these chats took about 30 mins and sometimes starts at 11 pm. When I asked, "Who was that you were chatting with?", she will go to the bathroom to delete chats and phone logs then come out and say "My private matters."

4. She goes to work at 7.30 am and come home after midnight !? She is the VP of a large MNC not a junior staff ???? I told her "Your work is so stressful. Just resign. We don't need the money." She replied "No. I enjoy my work." She told me her late hours were to motivate/counsel her staff.

5. Then after 6 months therapy (walking and talking), I felt stronger and more mobile. I approached her to make love with her, she turned her body from me and said "Go to bed. You are sick." I felt I was delivered a blow to my mid section and my emotional state was affected ... but have now stabilized.

6.She also encouraged me to travel on my own to improve my condition ... I have been to Melbourne and Singapore to visit friends. I survived ! Now, I can drive around the neighborhood too.

7. She took the $500K settlement from hospital/doctor to me and banked into our joint account. She withdrew the money and placed under FD in her name.

8. She told her siblings I am a changed man after my medical issue but not her mobile friend ... who I believe they (she & friend) do meet occassionally.

Here is what I am facing daily?

1. She set a schedule for me. Mon-Tues she will have dinner with me. Wed-Fri she will have dinner with staff and then clubbing ... she will be back by midnight. Will not tell me which club she was at and will not answer my calls when I call her.

2. She is still very secretive with her mobile but chats not active at home now. Her mobile is in her hand even in the house .... to loo and shower room.

3. Because of her actions, I took her off my will and all my cash to my 2 children only. (Previously, she had 50% of my cash and the rest shared by my 2 children.) She got to know this becos lawyer sent confirmation to me and she opened my letter.

4. Now, she became the lovey-dovey wife again and occassionally initiate love making sessions with me. I know these are just her acts only ... as she will occassionally asked me whether I have included her in my will ? I replied "I will get to it soon."

Items 1 & 2 above are my main issues, is it wrong for husband to ask to see who the friendly party she was chatting with? I want to divorce her and live a suspicious-free life.

Can and should I do that?

 

[faroukfarouk]

In other words, you are asking: ought you to show her unconditional love? or cold suspicion?

 

[Halbhh]

We are both 56 yo. Married 32 yrs now. She was my first love. First 28 yrs of our marriage was a lovely and story book romance ... until I was comatosed for 2 yrs. Medical negligence issue.

1. When I first woke up from my comatosed state, I saw a worried look in my wife's face. She was planning to intern me in a disabled hospice.

2. She was very active in gym (6-7 am) Mon-Fri. Lost 20 lbs from what I remembered (ie 2014) and new dress code. I complimented her on her looks.

3. She was having a very disturbing actions (for me) with her mobile now. In the evenings (Mon-Fri), she would be having very friendly (smiling and giggling) SMS with someone .... these chats took about 30 mins and sometimes starts at 11 pm. When I asked, "Who was that you were chatting with?", she will go to the bathroom to delete chats and phone logs then come out and say "My private matters."

4. She goes to work at 7.30 am and come home after midnight !? She is the VP of a large MNC not a junior staff ???? I told her "Your work is so stressful. Just resign. We don't need the money." She replied "No. I enjoy my work." She told me her late hours were to motivate/counsel her staff.

5. Then after 6 months therapy (walking and talking), I felt stronger and more mobile. I approached her to make love with her, she turned her body from me and said "Go to bed. You are sick." I felt I was delivered a blow to my mid section and my emotional state was affected ... but have now stabilized.

6.She also encouraged me to travel on my own to improve my condition ... I have been to Melbourne and Singapore to visit friends. I survived ! Now, I can drive around the neighborhood too.

7. She took the $500K settlement from hospital/doctor to me and banked into our joint account. She withdrew the money and placed under FD in her name.

8. She told her siblings I am a changed man after my medical issue but not her mobile friend ... who I believe they (she & friend) do meet occassionally.

Here is what I am facing daily?

1. She set a schedule for me. Mon-Tues she will have dinner with me. Wed-Fri she will have dinner with staff and then clubbing ... she will be back by midnight. Will not tell me which club she was at and will not answer my calls when I call her.

2. She is still very secretive with her mobile but chats not active at home now. Her mobile is in her hand even in the house .... to loo and shower room.

3. Because of her actions, I took her off my will and all my cash to my 2 children only. (Previously, she had 50% of my cash and the rest shared by my 2 children.) She got to know this becos lawyer sent confirmation to me and she opened my letter.

4. Now, she became the lovey-dovey wife again and occassionally initiate love making sessions with me. I know these are just her acts only ... as she will occassionally asked me whether I have included her in my will ? I replied "I will get to it soon."

Items 1 & 2 above are my main issues, is it wrong for husband to ask to see who the friendly party she was chatting with? I want to divorce her and live a suspicious-free life.

Can and should I do that?

Do you truly believe in Christ risen from the grave, and Who will come again, to judge the living and the dead?

Put your hope in Him.

Read what He said. Make Him the actual real center of your life. Forgive her, and focus on Him.

 

[longwait]

If she is so concerned about being included in your will then it looks like that is what she is after.

 

[adriw7878]

I did have a coffee chat with her a few months ago. This was how it went ....

Me: Dear, I know I was comatosed 2 years ago and it could be stressful for you. If you have had any affair, I understand and will not hold it against you but you MUST stop it and we build or marriage again. Maybe, a peaceful divorce could be another option.

Wife: I have my needs but not a divorce.
(She ended the discussion on this matter and she will only discuss divorce if I hand her my monetary interests.)

She still clubbing until midnight (Wed-Fri) and said that's her right to de-stress from her work.

 

[Blade]

Forgive me ..and praying.. but this is NOT the place for this. People only hear ONE side. Reach out to some Church that preaches the word.. talk to the pastor. Or some Christian counselor. And take this to the Father..or our lord Jesus Christ. He can do ANYTHING

 

[Ron Gurley]

Here is some Bible wisdom for your marriage IF both of you are true Christ-following believers:

God makes spiritual unions between male and female. From Eden until now, the two shall become "ONE FLESH". In the RCC, it is one of the revered 7 sacraments.

Genesis 2:24
For this reason a MAN (male) shall leave his father and his mother,
and be joined to his WIFE; (female)
and they (A&E) shall become "one flesh"....(spiritually joined)

Genesis 1:27
God created man in His own (spiritual) image,
in the image of God He created him;
male and female He created them.

Matthew 19:4-6 (NASB)...Jesus: Concerning Marriage and Divorce
...“Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said,
‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?
So they are no longer two, but one flesh.
What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

Ephesians 5: 22-33... Marriage is Like Christ and the "Church"
each individual among you also is to love his own WIFE even as himself,
and the wife must see to it that she respects her HUSBAND.

Malachi 2:15 (NIV)
Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring.
So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.

...GOD HATES DIVORCE! HE LOVES DIVORCEE's! It is a forgivable sin!

And the spouses must FORGIVE + FORGET to avoid divorce!

Paul may have identified THE problem:

2 Cor. 6 (NASB)
14 Do not be bound together (yoked) with unbelievers; for
what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or
what fellowship has light with darkness? 15 Or
what harmony has Christ with Belial, or
what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? 16 Or
what agreement has the temple of God with idols?

The SOUL of WO-MAN has a different DYNAMIC balance than that of a MAN! Viva la Difference!

The Soul of Mankind (male and female) is also a DYNAMIC REACTION of its 3 parts:
1. MIND...the process of intellect...stored knowledge...its function is "thinking" / "reasoning": MAN = heavy dose
2. WILL...your decision maker...your computer-reactor...your balancer
3. EMOTIONS...how you "feel"...natural reactions / intuitive responses: Wo-MAN = heavy dose

The RULES!?!

Matthew 5:27-28,31-32...Jesus: Sermon on the Mount to crowds + disciples
27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’;
28 but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart....
31 “It was said, ‘Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a certificate of divorce’;
32 but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Matthew 19:8..He said to them,
“Because of your hardness of heart, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives;
but from the beginning (Eden) it has not been this way.

1 Corinthians 7 (NASB)...Paul's Teaching on Marriage...The EXCEPTIONS?
12 But to the rest I say, NOT the Lord,
that if any brother (believer) has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her.
13 And a woman who has an unbelieving husband,
and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away.
14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband;
for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy.
Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave;
the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.
16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband?
Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?

 

[adriw7878]

Thanks Ron for the encouragement.

As mentioned earlier, I told her to stop clubbing out there and put the past 2 years behind. She seemed "addicted" to the clubbing scenes and even made plans with friends to clubs in my presence knowing I can't make the outing.

So, it's to continue to suffer within and just let her have her 'fun' and perhaps infidelity .... a Christian way ???

 

[adriw7878]

Today she seemed to acknowledge I know her clubbing evenings were not a girls' night out. She admitted there were men company too. I told her I don't like what I am sensing and maybe a divorce would be an peaceful solution for her clubbing and other "unholy" activities .... I cited 3 male friends we knew who had affairs after clubbing with willing women who don't mind their company. I asked her "what would your man friend think about you? Keeping them company until midnight. Dancing sure will lead to rubbing and progress even further actions."

She then asked me where I will be staying after we divorce. I told her "I have my plans."

 

[EmotionlessTruth]

We are both 56 yo. Married 32 yrs now. She was my first love. First 28 yrs of our marriage was a lovely and story book romance ... until I was comatosed for 2 yrs. Medical negligence issue.

1. When I first woke up from my comatosed state, I saw a worried look in my wife's face. She was planning to intern me in a disabled hospice.

2. She was very active in gym (6-7 am) Mon-Fri. Lost 20 lbs from what I remembered (ie 2014) and new dress code. I complimented her on her looks.

3. She was having a very disturbing actions (for me) with her mobile now. In the evenings (Mon-Fri), she would be having very friendly (smiling and giggling) SMS with someone .... these chats took about 30 mins and sometimes starts at 11 pm. When I asked, "Who was that you were chatting with?", she will go to the bathroom to delete chats and phone logs then come out and say "My private matters."

4. She goes to work at 7.30 am and come home after midnight !? She is the VP of a large MNC not a junior staff ???? I told her "Your work is so stressful. Just resign. We don't need the money." She replied "No. I enjoy my work." She told me her late hours were to motivate/counsel her staff.

5. Then after 6 months therapy (walking and talking), I felt stronger and more mobile. I approached her to make love with her, she turned her body from me and said "Go to bed. You are sick." I felt I was delivered a blow to my mid section and my emotional state was affected ... but have now stabilized.

6.She also encouraged me to travel on my own to improve my condition ... I have been to Melbourne and Singapore to visit friends. I survived ! Now, I can drive around the neighborhood too.

7. She took the $500K settlement from hospital/doctor to me and banked into our joint account. She withdrew the money and placed under FD in her name.

8. She told her siblings I am a changed man after my medical issue but not her mobile friend ... who I believe they (she & friend) do meet occassionally.

Here is what I am facing daily?

1. She set a schedule for me. Mon-Tues she will have dinner with me. Wed-Fri she will have dinner with staff and then clubbing ... she will be back by midnight. Will not tell me which club she was at and will not answer my calls when I call her.

2. She is still very secretive with her mobile but chats not active at home now. Her mobile is in her hand even in the house .... to loo and shower room.

3. Because of her actions, I took her off my will and all my cash to my 2 children only. (Previously, she had 50% of my cash and the rest shared by my 2 children.) She got to know this becos lawyer sent confirmation to me and she opened my letter.

4. Now, she became the lovey-dovey wife again and occassionally initiate love making sessions with me. I know these are just her acts only ... as she will occassionally asked me whether I have included her in my will ? I replied "I will get to it soon."

Items 1 & 2 above are my main issues, is it wrong for husband to ask to see who the friendly party she was chatting with? I want to divorce her and live a suspicious-free life.

Can and should I do that?

Wow! First of all, I think 32 years of marriage should NOT be thrown away.

My advice about her secret friend comes from my understanding of God's will (as limited as my understanding is)... (a) she should NOT have a secret friend; (2) you should not consider divorce but get help. Is she willing to get help?

Is she willing to go to a marriage workshop or weekend retreat? One I think is powerful is the Family Life weekend to member. I have not experienced the New Life Marriage Intensive Weekend, but it sounds very, very good and I think I actually need this myself (I just can't afford it right now).

Is your wife a Christian? I mean, does she REALLY buy into the truth of the Gospel or is she just a typical "good" person who attends church - this will make a difference. Also, where are you on your own faith journey? The question of "divorce" should really be off the table, but I do understand the pain.

Finally, I will pray for you. I do hope you and your wife of 32 years can work this out.

 

[EmotionlessTruth]

Forgive me ..and praying.. but this is NOT the place for this. People only hear ONE side. Reach out to some Church that preaches the word.. talk to the pastor. Or some Christian counselor. And take this to the Father..or our lord Jesus Christ. He can do ANYTHING

Blade, I am new to these forums so I may not understand: What do you mean, "this is NOT the place for this"? It seems this guy is asking for help from these forum? Do I simply not understand something? Thanks!

 

[adriw7878]

Thanks bro and sis for replying to my question. She changed into someone I don't recognize anymore .....
1. We are a Marriage Weekend Team Couple. So I know we must be open and communicate with each other. But she kept saying "I have no issue."

2. She no longer listen to any Christian songs in car or her iphone. Kept blasting sentimental songs (80s & 90s) on her iphone as soon as she wakes up in the morning or from the time she opens the door when she gets home.

3. She no longers want to attend church. As I can drive, she asks me to go to church on my own.

4. I even signed up for professional marriage counselling. She said "I have no issue better you attend on your own."

5. She now makes it her clubbing evenings (Wed-Fri) and will be back by midnight.

Acceptable?

 

[Boaz308]

That is hard, Pray for your wife. She is also living in rebellion and running from God. You need to put your foot down about her going out. That is not okay, but if you do nothing, say nothing then you are enabling it. That is also not okay either.

 

[EmotionlessTruth]

Have you considered "going to the club" with her? Decide to love. Seek her, persue her but don't agree- just observe, give, and offer support.

Jesus went to a wedding and went into the homes and ate with sinful people. In fact, he was called a friend of tax collectors and sinners. Maybe you can win her friends to Christ just by showing how much you love her and to what lenghts you will go to communicate this love? If she dances with another man, after they dance walk over and let him know that she is free to choose, but you are still her husband, you still love her, and that you plan to persue her with all your heart.

Leave notes of love and support. You don't have to start with "repent and come back to God". You can start like Jesus did in John 4 with the woman at the well. He did NOT correct or rebuke until she showed openness. In fact, Jesus showed acceptance and respect for her as a person first, even before addressing her lifestyle.

We are called to die to ourselves. This is very hard to do. Yet, if you really do love her, but she is NOT willing to attend counseling or a marriage retreat, then you MUST start by doing what YOU can, and that includes that you stop complaining in your heart (I didn't say stop hurting - this really hurts, I'm sure) and start loving her from the heart, empowered by the Holy Spirit. This will hurt, but that is why we need the spirit of God.

 

[EmotionlessTruth]

That is hard, Pray for your wife. She is also living in rebellion and running from God. You need to put your foot down about her going out. That is not okay, but if you do nothing, say nothing then you are enabling it. That is also not okay either.

I disagree. Don't "put your foot down". Instead, love her but don't compromise your faith. See my other reply (#14) for details.

 

[FireDragon76]

Was your marriage healthy before you were in a coma? You didn't talk about this at all. You can't be so hasty to evaluate a relationship negatively just because it is enduring stress.

I agree with what has been said, find a good church that will support you. And keep legalism out of your head. It's not like you need to take any particular stand at all if you don't really want to.

There's a book called Re-Bonding that might be helpful.

Rebonding: Preventing and Restoring Damaged Relationships

 

[EmotionlessTruth]

Thanks Ron for the encouragement.

As mentioned earlier, I told her to stop clubbing out there and put the past 2 years behind. She seemed "addicted" to the clubbing scenes and even made plans with friends to clubs in my presence knowing I can't make the outing.

So, it's to continue to suffer within and just let her have her 'fun' and perhaps infidelity .... a Christian way ???

Why can't you go? Why can't you make the outing? Do you have a friend, a brother from church that can help you if mobility is a problem?

 

[FireDragon76]

One of the Supreme Court Justices, Sandra O'Connor, had a husband that had alzheimer's later in life, his personality changed, and he fell in love with another woman. She learned to actually be happy for him, rather than to be jealous. She still loved her husband, but she no longer felt posessive of him. I think this might be a relevant lesson to learn. Sometimes horrible things happen and we must cope with our resentment or it will destroy everything good in our lives.

Anyawys, I just know legalism is the wrong way to respond to this. Probably the best thing to do is to seek counselling for yourself first, so you can think in a clear headed manner and evaluate your relationship and whether it can continue.

 

[adriw7878]

Why can't you go? Why can't you make the outing? Do you have a friend, a brother from church that can help you if mobility is a problem?

The issues with going to the clubs with her are :-
1. It's smoky and I am not a smoker.
2. Loud music and it's very uncomfortable for me.
3. I don't drink alcohol .... she prefers whisky rocks.
4. She wants to dance in the clubs ... and I am physically challenged.
5. She set Weds, Thurs & Fridays as her clubbing nights ... back home at 12 midnights (sometimes 1 am). But I can only go with her on Weds .... Thurs & Fridays her 'personal time outs" .... ridiculous!

 

[adriw7878]

Was your marriage healthy before you were in a coma? You didn't talk about this at all. You can't be so hasty to evaluate a relationship negatively just because it is enduring stress.

I agree with what has been said, find a good church that will support you. And keep legalism out of your head. It's not like you need to take any particular stand at all if you don't really want to.

There's a book called Re-Bonding that might be helpful.

Rebonding: Preventing and Restoring Damaged Relationships

I would say we are a loving couple before my medical issue. We served as "Christian Marriage Encouragers" for 10 years and ministered to over 500 couples over that time. When I woke up from coma .... I met a new person (wife) who's secretive and likes going out on her own (worst does not want me to know where and who she is with).

She stopped going to church .... I think when I was comatosed. She also resigned from Couple/Marriage ministry where we served for 10 years.

Lately, she goes to gym for workout on Sundays at 7.30 am .... while church service is at 8.30 am. I woke up when she's leaving the house for gym ... I'd get ready and make my way to church on my own. I'd be going therapy on my own ... let's see what therapist says.