razzelflabben
Contributor
that was the reactionary response, both when my husband was into inappropriate content and when his work schedule hindered sexual relations. I've lived both of those, no hypothetical there, that is how it went down. Loads of discussion, looking at the options, then he had to decide for himself.Razzle - I'm sorry, I'm not excluding you at all, I just saw your post. I will say this about it, there is no question to be answered, so don't say I'm not getting the answer that I want, what I'm not getting is simple reactionary responses. Which brings me to Tropical.
actually, I thought her answers were very honest and straight forward.Tropical - the experiment has become so twisted, I'm not about to waste time unraveling what just took place in your last comment. You have to stop thinking about the way your husband 'is' and respond to the husband that I painted. There is a reason that you cannot think of the real him. You're responding with thoughts of the real him in a fake scenario and you can't do that. All you have to do is read the scenario, respond naturally as to your reactions, concerns, responses, questions, feelings, etc. toward the husband on your screen. You can't mix the two husbands... your real one and this one. Yes, picture the painted husband as your own, but not your actual husband. You're saying things like, "well, you're saying this, and my husband would never because of that, and my husband and I do this, so naturally that," and so on, when the objective is to look at the husband on the screen and say, "ok... if 'this guy' is my husband, then this or that would make me feel, respond, ask this/that," etc....does that make sense?
what some of us here are trying to tell you, is that even that attitude, is part of your wife. A part that should not keep you from sexual desires if your focused on the wife you love, not the lust that appeals to your eyes. But you won't hear that, because you want to be excused from allowing God to transform your mind, heart, desires. What we are telling you, is that unless you allow God to transform your mind, heart, desires, your marriage is doomed.Goodspeed - this is precisely what has 85% of my "feelings" associated with this whole ordeal, on lock! I keep trying to explain, which in parallel to your statement, I made back some pages ago, that yes, I want to be sexually attracted to my wife, but what has caused the bitterness and frustration is her attitude toward it... like, "wow... can you care a bit please!"
to the side of extreme, let me ask you this, as it relates to Dh788's comment. If your wife was thin and gorgeous, but was having an affair, even told you about it and about how she didn't desire you, didn't want you, wasn't attracted to you, would you still find her attractive? If she said to you, "you disgust me" would you still want to jump her? What if you saw her with the other guy, making out, flirting, would you still want to have sexual relations with her? I have been counseling with a young woman for the last months who is in a very similar situation with her husband, as in he is the one having an affair, he is the one bashing her at every moment possible, etc. But still, she longs to be faithful only to him, she still finds him sexy, not because of how he looks, but because of the life they went through together, 5 kids, 2 adopted kids, a death on their property, and all the other stuff in between, that is what makes him still sexy to her. It's about seeing through the eyes of love, not the eyes of lust. Is she angry, you bet, even wants to do some things to hurt him, but to her, he is still her husband, she still loves him, she still finds him attractive even though he is one of the ugliest men I know at the moment and she would agree. Real love has a way of blinding us to the flaws in others, and replacing it with desires that are wholesome, godly, which is all some of us are trying to tell you. Life happens, bodies change, even our motivations, our determinations, our dreams, everything changes over time, but the couple who sees each other through the eyes of love, not lust, will desire one another no matter the changes that come, even if laziness is part of that change. even when lies and deceptions are what came along, you might help the spouse to end the sins, but sin doesn't even change your desire, when the desire is a Godly one.Dh788 - trust me, after this, I don't ever look at anybody's "marital issues/problems" as minuscule or irrelevant anymore, so no offense taken because I know although it can be worse elsewhere, bottom line, just because your hurt is yellow and looks like a building, and mine is black and looks like a door... hurt is hurt, and hurt is garbage... and I'm very saddened that both of you guys are living that reality... I am truly saddened about that! Will definitely be prayerful for you guys.
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