Right now I'm kind of freaking out. I am afraid that I do not have the Holy Spirit/ghost. I'm very worried that my repentance is out of fear and that my coming to Christ was not a calling from God, but me trying to save myself. Come to think of it when I did come to God I was very afraid of hell and I still am. There have been times where I have been filled with joy and happy to serve the Lord because of how overjoyed and sure I was with Peace knowing that I was saved. I have aknowledged that I am a sinner and I need God to forgive me through Jesus's sacrifice on the cross. I know that I have to trust him and have faith in him for my salvation. I believe in Jesus but I can't tell if my belief is real or not, I have faith in Jesus but I don't know if it's real or not. I've sought to live according to God's will and I've definitely produced some fruit, I've also turned away from a lot of sin in my life and have asked jesus to help me overcome sin daily. I constantly pray to God in prayer thanking him for the trials he puts me through and I hope that this is just one of them. I am worried sick that I do not actually have the Holy Spirit and that all the things that I've been doing have just been my feeble attempts at saving myself and that God has not called me at all but my stupid, mortal, sefish, horrible, sick, twisted mind has lead me to God as a sort of safety net for insurance. I want to be sincere and I want to serve God but I'm just so afraid that he hasn't really called me and the fact that I'm putting so much effort into learning about God, doing what his word says, turning away from sin, and praying to him is just proof that I am not sincere and that my efforts is attempt to overcompensate. I'm crying while writing this because it's so sad to think about god just looking at me shaking his head in disgrace at me because I wasn't one of the elect that he has called to him and he hasn't granted me the gift of repentance and faith for salvation because it's not his will to save me. I know God is sovereign and just to choose who he hardens and who he has mercy but serving to glorify god is extremely hard with the end destination of my fight of faith being second death. I have spread the gospel to people even when I really was embarrassed and scared for awkwardness and even brought my friend to faith in Christ but it's so hard to serve with this constant fear that God condems me. I call on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and God to forgive me and rescue me daily, I aknowledge that I'm sinner daily, I ask God to fill me with the Holy Spirit daily, but I just feel like the fact that I still struggle with the feelings of unrest, uncertainty, and condemnation shows that God has handed me over to my own terrible twisted mind and that my purpose is not to be a child of God, but a vehicle for God's wrath as desribed in romans 9. I go through feelings of not doing enough to please God and that I have to be more obedient to feelings that I am trusting too much in myself and not enough on grace. I feel horrible and have gone from panic mode to sheer sadness and tears while writing this. Please help me. Tell me the truth about what you all think and not just stuff to make me feel better please.
Great post my brother in Christ!!!
I am a convinced Classical Reformed Calvinist; not to be confused with Hyper-Calvinist. Anyway, I have spend most of my time studying Justification & Sanctification, Grace & Works, Covenant of Works & Covenant of Grace, legalism & antinomianism, Paul & James. I think you get the picture. John Bunyan wrote that legalism & antinomianism is crucial for believers to understand in relation to Justification by Faith Alone!
What you are facing brother, we have or are facing everyday. As Graeme Goldworthy once wrote even believers need to hear/read the Gospel everyday. Because we are Simultaneously Righteous and a Sinners. Luther & Calvin agreed that we (the ungodly) are DECLARED righteous before a Holy God because of Christ who is the object of our Faith. We receive with empty hands a Divine gift of Love and Grace for FREE!
Romans 4:4 Now to the one who works, wages are not credited as a gift but as an obligation. 5 However, to the one who does not work but trusts God who justifies the ungodly, their faith is credited as righteousness.
So my brother in Christ, it will come a lot of times that I will need you to share the Gospel of Grace with me. So listen, and take the sweetest water you'll ever taste. Our assurance, confidence, peace of conscience is the Son of God. Whom was sent to redeem the ungodly from their sins. So He came down, in time & history in the flesh, under the Law. The Promised Seed came not to abolish the Law, but to fulfill it with perfect obedience for us the ungodly.
Matt. 5:17
Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them, but to fulfill them.
Now notice it says God justifies the ungodly Romans 4:5. Not to the once who works, but in the one who believes in God who justifies the ungodly! This is the good news, not repent and believe. This is where a lot of Christians get lost. Not even our works as believers saves us. Because Christians tend to locate their salvation in their response or works, rather than in the Gospel itself; namely Christ Jesus Alone! If a Christian does not understand the distinction between Justification & Sanctification. They will confuse and distort the Gospel as Law, and Law as Gospel.
The Gospel is the good news that the Gospel has done what the Law requires! The Law say "DO", the Gospel says "DONE"! This is the good news for the ungodly. Now have I denied good works in the Christian Life? No! But where one places them determines if they do understand the Good News or not. In Justification of a sinner there is no place here. In Sanctification of the Sinner, yes good deeds are perform. But this is a Life Long Process because we have not entered glorification yet. But we already saved in Christ, God does not leave us stranded half-way, to fin for ourselves. In the Covenant of Redemption God swears that He WILL DO FOR US!
Scripture, when it treats of justification by faith, leads us in a very different direction. Turning away our view from our own works, it bids us look only to the mercy of God and the perfection of Christ. The order of justification which it sets before us is this: first, God of his mere gratuitous goodness is pleased to embrace the sinner, in whom he sees nothing that can move him to mercy but wretchedness, because he sees him altogether naked and destitute of good works. He, therefore, seeks the cause of kindness in himself, that thus he may affect the sinner by a sense of his goodness, and induce him, in distrust of his own works, to cast himself entirely upon his mercy for salvation. This is the meaning of faith by which the sinner comes into the possession of salvation, when, according to the doctrine of the Gospel, he perceives that he is reconciled by God; when, by the intercession of Christ, he obtains the pardon of his sins, and is justified; and, though renewed by the Spirit of God, considers that, instead of leaning on his own works, he must look solely to the righteousness which is treasured up for him
in Christ.
John Calvin Institutes of the Christian Religion (3.11.16)
The phrase “in him” I have preferred to retain, rather than render it “by him” because it has in my opinion more expressiveness and force. For we are enriched in Christ, inasmuch as we are members of his body, and are engrafted into him: nay more, being made one with him, he makes us share with him in everything that he has received from the Father.
John Calvin Commentary on 1 Corinthians 1:5
And I leave you with this gem from the Heidelberg Catechism. Hope you enjoy. Reach out to me if you need more.
59. Q.
But what does it help you
now that you believe all this?
A.
In Christ I am righteous before God
and heir to life everlasting.
1
60. Q.
How are you righteous before God?
A.
Only by true faith in Jesus Christ.
1
Although my conscience accuses me
that I have grievously sinned
against all God's commandments,
have never kept any of them,
2
and am still inclined to all evil,
3
yet God, without any merit of my own,
4
out of mere grace,
5
imputes to me
the perfect satisfaction,
righteousness, and holiness of Christ.
6
He grants these to me
as if I had never had nor committed
any sin,
and as if I myself had accomplished
all the obedience
which Christ has rendered for me,
7
if only I accept this gift
with a believing heart.
8