Relationship advice

[BlueAshSky]

We are living together but he has always respected me to wait for marriage which i know has been hard and it has been for me too

I talked with him tonight and tried to be more assertive with how I feel and he listened for a while.
He said that he has been thinking of going and staying with his brother because he needs to take a break. This breaks my heart because he made it sound like it was so difficult for him to see me for 2 hours a night most of which he ignores me. He said he will continue contributing money for our place because he doesnt want to leave me stranded. I was like, well why leave?? I wish we could just figure this out instead of always running away. He says he will be leaving tomorrow

I just feel useless and unloved. Sorry for putting this here but it helps to get it off my chest and i cant sleep because of this. I feel like God has ignored all of my prayers and the man i love wants to abandon me i wish i knew what was wrong with me
Please pray for us
God bless

 

[ValleyGal]

There might be nothing wrong with you at all. It may be that you are not as compatible as you thought. Or maybe he is having a hard time putting to words what it is that makes him so unhappy with you. There might not even be a reason. This is a very hard thing, to face the idea of having to lose someone you have loved so well. It is painful. You gave him your heart and trusted him with it, and he proved untrustworthy to take it, hold it, care for it, breathe life into it. I'm so sorry that you are facing a separation. It is simply not easy; it is heartbreaking. But you cannot make him stay. You can't make him love you or engage with you. When he stopped pursuing you, that is when the relationship first started to break down. A man in love will pursue his beloved, even after years of marriage, he will still seek her out, be interested in her, want to know everything about her, and pursue emotional intimacy. Why would you want to continue to be with someone who does not want you? As heartbreaking as it is, take your grief and turn from this relationship... unless he starts to pursue you again.

 

[Martyr's Crown]

I feel like God has ignored all of my prayers and the man i love wants to abandon me i wish i knew what was wrong with me

There is nothing wrong with you. God answers prayers the way which is best for you or for the situation you are fit in, or the way He finds it best. Sometimes a prayer might not be answered the way you'd hoped for because it is a simple; "No", from God. Other times we just need to keep on praying and being patient. God has listened to all of your prayers and still listens to you, but the outcome will not always be the way you want.

Maybe your fiancé isn't right for you? If you are already unhappy in the relationship now there won't be any guarantee that you will become happier if you two would get married. And especially not if he no longer shows any interest nurturing the relationship between you two. Maybe some time away from each other will be good for both of you, this way it will be easier to think everything through and find out whether you two should continue together or not. You can continue praying to God, take also own time spent with Him and reading in His Word. Put all of this over unto His hands, and then you just rest in Him, knowing that everything will work out as it is best for in your situation. A break-up isn't always pleasent, but sometimes it is necessary to be done. It could also be that he realizes that he does care for and loves you a lot, then everything will work out for the better. But you should be open for both options now. Leave it all over unto God, and let Him work it through the way which is best for you both! *Hugs*

 

[BlueAshSky]

Well he left today. I helped him.pack his bag and it was all i could do to not cry but now i cant stop thinking about everything and what i could do differently or if i shouldnt have said anything to begin with. He said he will come back this week to get some other things which hurts to hear him say but i hope he changes his mind.
He kissed my forhead before he left which was the most affection i have gotten in a while and that just makes it worse .

I talked with my mom for hours and she said i could move back with her if i need to but that is three hours away. i would have to quit my job too. Everything feels like it is falling apart

 

[BlueAshSky]

There is nothing wrong with you. God answers prayers the way which is best for you or for the situation you are fit in, or the way He finds it best. Sometimes a prayer might not be answered the way you'd hoped for because it is a simple; "No", from God. Other times we just need to keep on praying and being patient. God has listened to all of your prayers and still listens to you, but the outcome will not always be the way you want.

Maybe your fiancé isn't right for you? If you are already unhappy in the relationship now there won't be any guarantee that you will become happier if you two would get married. And especially not if he no longer shows any interest nurturing the relationship between you two. Maybe some time away from each other will be good for both of you, this way it will be easier to think everything through and find out whether you two should continue together or not. You can continue praying to God, take also own time spent with Him and reading in His Word. Put all of this over unto His hands, and then you just rest in Him, knowing that everything will work out as it is best for in your situation. A break-up isn't always pleasent, but sometimes it is necessary to be done. It could also be that he realizes that he does care for and loves you a lot, then everything will work out for the better. But you should be open for both options now. Leave it all over unto God, and let Him work it through the way which is best for you both! *Hugs*

You are so nice thank you

It is hard to think we are not meant to be together because it always felt we were. It was perfect and we were so happy

 

[Blade]

BlueAshSky God would say this "what do you want?" I have been married over 30+ years. So did we fight before. Yes.. in fact for over 20y almost day in day out. I cant look back think should I have.. well I have two boys. My best friends said I should not marry her. I made the choice. THEN I asked Him. What was HE to say? He knew my heart so it was "what do you want"?

Was it worth it? I have two boys.. can you see? I am not like most. You know..we were married when some friend of ours "missionarries"..she told us. Its not always 50/50. Some times is 75/25 and other times its 100/0. And girl....with out JESUS.. the pain is more then most will ever be able to handle. It does in fact hurt. To see to know what OTHERS get from there spouse and YOU..you get nothing...to then.. love them as if they did give you everything.

See I cant change anyone. MY LOVE.. I can be the servant to her....give her be everything she ever wanted..yet.. to get the same.. I can not force this. The TWO have to be come one. Christ HAS to be the head the center. We can HOPE and PRAY all we want..but even GOD can not force anyone to change. Again over 30 years been married. And to this day.. there are THINGS other take for granted that I ..hurts.. have never got to taste....so to speak. I am letting you see flesh. I do not live there. Chrsit is SO MUCH MORE then anything anyone can give or do. So... I will love her the way I love my Jesus.. the way he Loves me.. I love her. If this is the way it is till He comes.. Praise GOD! I made this bed so to speak.

I didnt get to this point easy. It has a price. Where all woudl have ran.. I stayed. See all my life I look at it like what if was me. So..if I was her what would I want? As MEAN AWFUL as I could be.. I would want someone to love me to never ever give up on me.. So this what I do..and I have two boys.. so...to wish pray I had NEVER married her.. to have saved 20+years of pain ..would be selfish.

Point is in all this. Jesus Christ is real. You are NOT married yet. You have no kids. So.. one might want to take a stand. To put JESUS 1st. To put both 1st. To say .this is the way it will be. To say.. if we can not be like ********* then I dont want to get married. This is ME talking. I look back and see 20/20 lol. Back then.. fighting or not.. I wanted her and period.

I dont know do what you never did. We did go to Chruch all the time. Never prayed as one. So.. try that. Say I want us to pray together.. start really short if you want and build. But always put HIM CHRIST 1st..then HE can work and change the heart. But.. take if from me. If you do you YOUR way.. then take what ever comes. And the price really really hurts since CHRSIT was not part of it. You have the chance to put HIM 1st. What ever you do or did.. confess and move on. Try leaving a...THINGS out till you get married. Make that day be WOW. Give him something to WAIT for! You know?

If he loves you he will wait. Put JESUS 1st.. so what do YOU WANT? Sorry I shared so much. Pray for me.. why? The past..I am human.. and the pain.. sometimes is .. Jesus is real.. man if He was not real.. HE really does give you a love a peace you never had. Really put HIm 1st..not by WORKS..but your heart..the WORKS will follow your heart. You are SO LOVED! And When YOU pust CHRIST 1st.. HE will move on his heart and you WILL see a change!@

 

[Martyr's Crown]

Well he left today. I helped him.pack his bag and it was all i could do to not cry but now i cant stop thinking about everything and what i could do differently or if i shouldnt have said anything to begin with. He said he will come back this week to get some other things which hurts to hear him say but i hope he changes his mind.
He kissed my forhead before he left which was the most affection i have gotten in a while and that just makes it worse .

I talked with my mom for hours and she said i could move back with her if i need to but that is three hours away. i would have to quit my job too. Everything feels like it is falling apart

I understand this is a very hard time for you. It isn't easy, though it might be the best decision for you both at this point. Better than to continue feeling unloved and neglected by him, as you have told earlier in here. Now it is clever to think about what you should do whilst he is staying at his brother's place, maybe staying at a friend's place? Or go visiting some friends for some support as well as try having some fun together?

You are so nice thank you

It is hard to think we are not meant to be together because it always felt we were. It was perfect and we were so happy

I have a friend who felt much of the same as you. She was also engaged and they had already wedding plans put in front of them, until they decided cancelling everything. I think it was her fiancé that didn't want to continue, he had his reasons which I don't remember what was now, but they had also had much difficulties in their relationship. In the beginning she too thought he was the right one for her, so when everything got broken off in their relationship it was very difficult for her. She realized later that he hadn't been such a nice boyfriend towards her either, she might not have seen this if they'd continue the relationship and then gotten married.

I don't want to take away your hopes for a change, sometimes it is needed taking a break in a relationship. There are many couples who finds back again to each other after having had a break or been separated for a while. Just keep your focus and trust put in Jesus Christ, no matter what happens.

I will pray for you.

 

[turkle]

You are so nice thank you

It is hard to think we are not meant to be together because it always felt we were. It was perfect and we were so happy

Every relationship starts out happy, when the flame is new. Jesus talked about building faith on solid rock, not shifting sand. The same applies to relationships. If the relationship is built on feelings, then the feelings die out quickly. But if it is built upon mutual love, respect, common values and desire to edify each other, then it can usually stand the test of time. From what you've said, it's clear that your relationship was not like this.

I cannot imagine wanting to remain in a relationship where you are not valued at all. I cannot imagine loving a man who doesn't care about me. When I was dating, I broke off several relationships because I could see that the man was too self absorbed to be a good husband. The man I finally chose, my husband, has never stopped pursuing me or actively seeking out daily ways to bless and edify me. I do the same for him. Even in this situation, we have difficulties, but because we really love and respect each other, we are able to work through our differences calmly and with love. But I can assure you, if my husband treated me the way your boyfriend treats you before marriage, I never would have married him. No way. Why set yourself up for a lifetime of misery?

Many women hold on to bad relationships because they don't think they can find anyone better. Many are afraid of being alone. Many settle because they think that what they have is better than nothing. You can comb through these forums and see post after post after post from women who married the wrong man for bad reasons, and they are stuck and desperate to get out. They are miserable, their husbands are miserable, their children are miserable. If only they had gone into marriage with Godly wisdom instead of their own desperate desire to be married, they would have spared everyone tremendous grief.

You have an opportunity now to step back and carefully evaluate your own motives and choices. Now is the time to stop following your feelings and look at what you know to be the truth. You are fortunate that you don't have to deal with divorce and custody issues. If you make your choices with Godly wisdom, you will never have to. But if you continue to pursue a man who clearly doesn't care about you, then you have set yourself up for a future of sad consequences. Please seek Godly help from a wise woman in your church to help you to see the truths that you are blind to... because emotions make us all blind to what is obvious to everyone else. You can see that from the responses you have received here in this forum. I pray that you are able to face truth and make wise choices, even if they are temporarily painful. Temporary pain is so much better than pain for the rest of your life, and the lives of your future children.

 

[BlueAshSky]

You are both right and my mom said the same thing that and I should focus making myself happy. It is hard the thought of losing a piece of.my heart but I guess I should have been ready for this too happen but I still did not want to accept it even if i lost it along time ago.. I have been thinking all night and morning about it.
I want to just focus on my business and get closer with friends and God because i have put things off to meet our needs at home. Even though i know all.of this i still feel defeated and ugly and just dumb. My mom said i shouldnt beat myself up but it thats all i want to do...

Thank you again for your kindness and honesty. Some things i read make me upset but I realize i have no reason to be defensive because you are trying to help and it is true. Thank you again.

 

[Goodbook]

Seek His kingdom first and all things will be added unto you.

Its heartbreaking but you may have to let him go. The bible says if the unbeliever wants to depart, let them depart.
My sister was living with a guy for more than 3 years and he made absolutely no move to even propose to her, and then left her for someone else, it was rotten thing to do to my sister but she was blinded.

God has better things for you. They split up and shes now got her own flat and she wasnt even relying on him for work, now, I think he was the leech really. I talked with her friend and she said all her friends hated him for what he did. It might be your friends have been trying to tell you the truth about this guy but youve ignored them. Her friends despaired but said well shes an adult and can make her own choices. We are all kind of relieved he didnt end up marrying her. What kind of guy just moves in on a someone and then cheats on her, when she was first seeing him he was already living with a girl and didnt even tell her! When she found out she was mad but then stupid,y still wanted him anyway. Its hard to tell your own sister shes being STUPID.

 

[turkle]

You are both right and my mom said the same thing that and I should focus making myself happy.

While striving for happiness is nice, I think what you really need to strive for is self respect. When you respect yourself, you are able to set reasonable boundaries and avoid being taken advantage of. You don't feel like a door mat, allowing him to walk all over you and continue being selfish. I think it's important to respect yourself in order to find a person who respects you, because you set the tone from the start. That doesn't mean that you are mean or bullying, but when you have healthy, God given self respect, people respect you. Self respect leads to happiness, and without it, I don't think you can be happy.

I want to just focus on my business and get closer with friends and God because i have put things off to meet our needs at home.

This is key. If you have been sacrificing your relationship with God, then you have made your boyfriend an idol. But if your relationship with God is healthy and you are walking closely with Him, you are able to hear His direction for you. Your relationship with God is more important than anything.

Some things i read make me upset but I realize i have no reason to be defensive because you are trying to help and it is true.

I understand. Your statement shows a lot of wisdom. The truth is often very painful, but it is always important to face the truth. Otherwise you are chasing a fantasy, and that never, ever turns out well.

In all honesty, though you may not see it now, your boyfriend's moving out is very possibly the best thing that is happening to you. This gives you the opportunity to really look at yourself and your own motives, and to move towards Godly wisdom. I have a feeling that in a fairly short while, you'll be relieved that it worked out the way it did. Then you will have learned a valuable lesson (like never moving in with someone you're not married to) and enjoy the wisdom and freedom of God.

 

[BlueAshSky]

While striving for happiness is nice, I think what you really need to strive for is self respect. When you respect yourself, you are able to set reasonable boundaries and avoid being taken advantage of. You don't feel like a door mat, allowing him to walk all over you and continue being selfish. I think it's important to respect yourself in order to find a person who respects you, because you set the tone from the start. That doesn't mean that you are mean or bullying, but when you have healthy, God given self respect, people respect you. Self respect leads to happiness, and without it, I don't think you can be happy.


This is key. If you have been sacrificing your relationship with God, then you have made your boyfriend an idol. But if your relationship with God is healthy and you are walking closely with Him, you are able to hear His direction for you. Your relationship with God is more important than anything.


I understand. Your statement shows a lot of wisdom. The truth is often very painful, but it is always important to face the truth. Otherwise you are chasing a fantasy, and that never, ever turns out well.

In all honesty, though you may not see it now, your boyfriend's moving out is very possibly the best thing that is happening to you. This gives you the opportunity to really look at yourself and your own motives, and to move towards Godly wisdom. I have a feeling that in a fairly short while, you'll be relieved that it worked out the way it did. Then you will have learned a valuable lesson (like never moving in with someone you're not married to) and enjoy the wisdom and freedom of God.

That is a good point i do tend to set my own desires aside if it means i can help someones else. Sometimes people can take advantage of that... but i cant always help it because i like helping but i see what you are saying because it can be tiresome
And also thank you because you are right and i need to talk to God again and pray and go to church.

Its hard to think about it too much because it still hurts. Thank you so much for the encouragement and support. I didnt think i would get so many friendly people replying thank you

 

[turkle]

There's nothing wrong with setting aside your own desires for another's benefit. Jesus taught us to think of others more than ourselves. But that doesn't mean that you should become a door mat. Boundaries are important. If you allow others to take advantage of you and walk on you, then you won't be respected. I understand that it is a fine line to walk. My husband knows that he cannot take advantage of me and if he tries that I will call him on it...so he doesn't. But I always think of him before myself in a healthy way. It takes a while to understand the difference. You can only learn by experience, I think.

It's a hard, hard lesson, but it looks like you are learning. I hope that the next person you give your heart to will see an emotionally healthy woman that he can respect, and will treat with respect. When that happens, you will thank God that you didn't marry this person.

 

[slippinginfaith]

Hello everyone! I am hoping to receive some insight on what i should do as i am at a loss for answers.

My fiance and I have had major troubles for almost 2 years. We have been together for 4 years and engaged for 3. We both come from a christian background but i am ashamed to say have not lived that way for the better part of our relationship. Things between us used to be amazing but lately it has been very hard.
He works a lot. 60+ hours during the week, sometimes more on the weekend so i feel we have grown apart because of that

Lately we fight a lot, some things petty some not, and the affection and love we always had is almost nonexistant. It feels like he is repulsed by me. I feel ugly and useless because the few hours we do get a night it is almost like I do not exist.

I work part time and spend the rest of my time taking care of the house and chasing a passion, but I will always try and make time yet he is unresponsive.

I am not sure what I can do to get him to open up to me and talk. I am not sure where we stand or how he feels. He is no longer supportive or caring. Never has nice things to say or even smile. We have tried consulting a pastor but my fiance has flaked out on going 3 times. What else can I do

I pray every night lately but I am still as lost as ever.

I would disagree with the girl who said you must get married for the sake of commitment. If anything, it will entangle him involuntarily and he would want to release himself from the chains of marriage and ask for a divorce in the future. I think you should ask him to open up and have a real long, deep talk because otherwise, what is relationship without communication (since it is the key). Pray, that helps too. Good luck!

 

[BlueAshSky]

There's nothing wrong with setting aside your own desires for another's benefit. Jesus taught us to think of others more than ourselves. But that doesn't mean that you should become a door mat. Boundaries are important. If you allow others to take advantage of you and walk on you, then you won't be respected. I understand that it is a fine line to walk. My husband knows that he cannot take advantage of me and if he tries that I will call him on it...so he doesn't. But I always think of him before myself in a healthy way. It takes a while to understand the difference. You can only learn by experience, I think.

It's a hard, hard lesson, but it looks like you are learning. I hope that the next person you give your heart to will see an emotionally healthy woman that he can respect, and will treat with respect. When that happens, you will thank God that you didn't marry this person.

That is very inspiring thank you for sharing

 

[BlueAshSky]

I would disagree with the girl who said you must get married for the sake of commitment. If anything, it will entangle him involuntarily and he would want to release himself from the chains of marriage and ask for a divorce in the future. I think you should ask him to open up and have a real long, deep talk because otherwise, what is relationship without communication (since it is the key). Pray, that helps too. Good luck!

That is true and i always thought we were on the same page so i didnt think about it being like chains and i would never want that anyway. Thank you so much

 

[Terri cummings 27]

Hello everyone! I am hoping to receive some insight on what i should do as i am at a loss for answers.

My fiance and I have had major troubles for almost 2 years. We have been together for 4 years and engaged for 3. We both come from a christian background but i am ashamed to say have not lived that way for the better part of our relationship. Things between us used to be amazing but lately it has been very hard.
He works a lot. 60+ hours during the week, sometimes more on the weekend so i feel we have grown apart because of that

Lately we fight a lot, some things petty some not, and the affection and love we always had is almost nonexistant. It feels like he is repulsed by me. I feel ugly and useless because the few hours we do get a night it is almost like I do not exist.

I work part time and spend the rest of my time taking care of the house and chasing a passion, but I will always try and make time yet he is unresponsive.

I am not sure what I can do to get him to open up to me and talk. I am not sure where we stand or how he feels. He is no longer supportive or caring. Never has nice things to say or even smile. We have tried consulting a pastor but my fiance has flaked out on going 3 times. What else can I do

I pray every night lately but I am still as lost as ever.

 

[PeaceB]

Sounds to me like you need to find a new man. I think you can do better, and be happier. That is just my two cents based on what you wrote. It sucks to break up but sometimes you have to let go of something in order for God to put something better in your life. Hope it works out.

 

[pastor marty]

I guess I do feel like we are meant to be because i love him and i know he loves me as he has told me so many times and was always so sweet and caring and protective. I dont know what I can do because I feel like I am failing as a future wife

saying,"I love U" only requires the exhalation of a bunch of air & the ability 2 make sounds.C/luv=B/luv=show luv;this I get. I taught my parrot 2 squak,"luvUboss"4 a cookie.Think I should marry her ??Failin' as a future wife?? 2/B humble enuff 2 say that just triggered my BS meter. Methinks thy kind heart would B/better served by a prince who regards it a more than a 'happy-meal. C'mon fellow Christians, chime in here.Help an old man comfort a kid'n'luv.The last time I had a problem like this; Nixon was pres. peace&popsycles--pastormarty

 

[pastor marty]

Idk I have tried talking to him like you suggested but it seems I can never get anywhere. He always has a reason to not talk or blows me off all together. It is frustrating some times but i do love him and just want us to be happy again. I wish I knew what I could do to win him over and show that I am worth his time, i am not asking for a lot of time just more than nothing... i know he is stressed out but I want him to let me in so I can make his home life better and show him that it is where he can relax after working so much he just always wants to go somewhere or do something without me

I will suggest a vacation but im afraid he wont like the idea because he always has a reason to go to work.

And i dont think he has cold feet about the wedding we have just been in hard situations for the past two years. Thank you so much for your replies

if his feet were any colder they'rd be penguins livin' on them.If yer soul was really composed & a good girlfriend came 2/U & said all the sad stuff U have;wouldn't U say;"Sis,drop that loser like a hot rock & trust Geode (G.O.D.) 2 send U,(maybe not a prince) but at least not another sniveler,mama's boy;(commitment is what they do 2 mental patients)Don't settle 4 rusty metal.Pearlz before swine;good girls w/user slime. Pick a proverb of yer choice. P&P-marty