Relationship advice

BlueAshSky

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Hello everyone! I am hoping to receive some insight on what i should do as i am at a loss for answers.

My fiance and I have had major troubles for almost 2 years. We have been together for 4 years and engaged for 3. We both come from a christian background but i am ashamed to say have not lived that way for the better part of our relationship. Things between us used to be amazing but lately it has been very hard.
He works a lot. 60+ hours during the week, sometimes more on the weekend so i feel we have grown apart because of that

Lately we fight a lot, some things petty some not, and the affection and love we always had is almost nonexistant. It feels like he is repulsed by me. I feel ugly and useless because the few hours we do get a night it is almost like I do not exist.

I work part time and spend the rest of my time taking care of the house and chasing a passion, but I will always try and make time yet he is unresponsive.

I am not sure what I can do to get him to open up to me and talk. I am not sure where we stand or how he feels. He is no longer supportive or caring. Never has nice things to say or even smile. We have tried consulting a pastor but my fiance has flaked out on going 3 times. What else can I do :(

I pray every night lately but I am still as lost as ever.
 

FutureAndAHope

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I would say "you need to marry" if you want the relationship to continue ... relationships, marriage in particular is a commitment. You need to be committed to one another, not seeking a love rush, but being there for one another for better or worse. It is only as you deeply commit to one another that love can grow. Hard times define how much you are prepared to love. Love is not a feeling. It is based upon God's word. We love our partner because we have committed to them.
 
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BlueAshSky

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I would say "you need to marry" if you want the relationship to continue ... relationships, marriage in particular is a commitment. You need to be committed to one another, not seeking a love rush, but being there for one another for better or worse. It is only as you deeply commit to one another that love can grow. Hard times define how much you are prepared to love. Love is not a feeling. It is based upon God's word. We love our partner because we have committed to them.

We have pushed the date back twice now. We were going to get married this coming july but we are thinking next jan now. I wish we could do it sooner though.
 
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FutureAndAHope

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Maybe when you pray, pray that it will come to pass sooner rather than latter. While you remain unmarried there is for the partner always a thought, well we are not married yet, maybe there are options. I am not saying it is happening, but the temptation to not fully commit can be there.
 
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BlueAshSky

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Maybe when you pray, pray that it will come to pass sooner rather than latter. While you remain unmarried there is for the partner always a thought, well we are not married yet, maybe there are options. I am not saying it is happening, but the temptation to not fully commit can be there.
I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about that. I will continue praying about this.. thank you
 
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Martyr's Crown

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Hmm... I think there are two options available for you.

one is as FutureAndAHope tells you to marry soon, especially if you are certain of that both of you are meant to be. This is very important knowing, it would be a shame getting married to the wrong person.

Second option is if there are already coming up red flags in the relationship, this would be an indication for you to not marry. Being together for many years doesn't always mean you are always brought together by God, some can even marry after having met and been together for just a few months just because they "know" they are destined to being together.

Praying to God is always wise. :)
 
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RaymondG

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I would say, from experience.... Thank God you have not gotten married yet, and move on. But I know most people like to learn from their own mistakes and instead of the mistakes of others....so here is plan B. Get married with the knowledge that things will get a lot worse after......and this may last years.....but as time progress, things will get better, you will get closer, and you will think back on these times and say "I dont know how we made it through......But Im glad we did."
 
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Tolworth John

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If you are not communicating now, getting married will NOT suddenly make everything all right.
If he will not talk to you now, he will not talk to you after marriage.
May I suggest asking him what is happening in his life? What are his hopes and dreams?

If he will not sit down and talk, you could try writing him a letter asking the same questions.

If he will not reply. Start looking for full time job in preparation for leaving him.

Try to communicate two or three times and then tell him its talk or split and carry it out.

Next time don't live with him untill married.
 
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ValleyGal

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He is working a lot. I work 35 hours a week and attend grad school for 10 credits per term, and have been doing this since September. I also take care of the house, cooking, shopping, etc. Even before I separated from my husband in January, I did all that - the only thing he did was clean up after dinner, but I still took care of kitchen stuff often. I also had the stress of being the sole income earner, a failing marriage, two close friends who died and two family members who are (1) dead and (1) dying. I am tired. Very, very tired, and I have very little left to give my adult son and nothing left to give my husband, who refused to meet my needs for emotional, physical, or financial safety. Your partner may very well be in the same sort of position. Sixty hours of work every week is a lot of work! It is exhausting, and he just might not have the energy to invest in anyone.

Imo, you have the options mentioned above, or you could be very firm about boundaries. Try to have a mutual conversation, but if he won't, then you need him to at least listen. His actions are having a detrimental effect on you as a person as well as on the relationship. If he will not engage with you, then you can't really say you're "engaged"....in fact, he has disengaged. Tell him the effects of his withdrawal, and how you are responding to his actions. Then let him know what will happen if he continues to withdraw or disengage. There will be no more relationship because relationships take two fully engaged people to make it work.

Another post mentioned commitment. There are two things that make up commitment - care and consistency. If he cares, you will experience that as significance; if he is consistent, you will experience that as security. The same goes for you. If you care about him, he will feel significant, and if you are consistent, he will feel secure. Admittedly problems can happen when one of you thinks you are being caring and the other interprets that negatively. For example, I suggested marrying in my country for immigration purposes, but he took that as an insult to his parents, and he carried bitterness around for five years about it. Everything I did was filtered through his suspicious lens of mistrust about my intentions. So communication about care is key. If there is any time one of you does not feel significant, ask the other to clarify their intentions. For you it might look like this: "when we don't talk for days on end, I feel neglected. Is there a reason you might be withdrawing?" This gives him the opportunity clarify his motives and might say "no, I'm just so tired and I know that if I start talking about my day, we will be up talking when I really need to be sleeping."

It need not be a long and drawn-out discussion, but enough for him to provide his own reasons so you do not have to guess and possibly guess negatively, which might then negatively impact your relationship.

I hope you are able to work things out.
 
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NothingIsImpossible

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This is why couples needs a break. Maybe you both should take a vacation formwork and spend "us time" together. Though maybe its not the best option since your not married and I assume live together (unless I read into that wrong). You don't want to vacation together and build up romance that leads to sex on accident.

As for getting married fast.... I'm split. You could marry but that really wont' change whats going on currently. Just may lead to more stress and you two growing more distant. Maybe you two should have a serious talk about all this. Two people working and trying to have time for each other isn't easy from what I've seen. You both end up so tired that you really just want to rest and not spend more time doing anything else.

If your starting to fight more and what not then maybe its a red flag that marriage isn't an option yet. Thats the good thing about getting to the fiancee stage, you still have time to back out if you think things aren't working out well. I know that sounds like "Oh I could never do that, I love him!" but sometimes we are so blinded by what we think is love that we miss the barrage of signs Gods showing us to run away. Its how people end up married who hate each other.

I should know. I made the mistake before. The red flags were practically a ocean of flags and despite me drowing in the flags I still held out hope things would work out ok and we could marry and be happily ever after. I'm glad we didn't marry because I can see we would have split (not that I believe in it).

Also the fact the wedding date has been pushed back makes me think theres hesitation or some cold feet maybe. Marriage is a big commitment. Bigger then most realize before hand.
 
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BlueAshSky

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Hmm... I think there are two options available for you.

one is as FutureAndAHope tells you to marry soon, especially if you are certain of that both of you are meant to be. This is very important knowing, it would be a shame getting married to the wrong person.

Second option is if there are already coming up red flags in the relationship, this would be an indication for you to not marry. Being together for many years doesn't always mean you are always brought together by God, some can even marry after having met and been together for just a few months just because they "know" they are destined to being together.

Praying to God is always wise. :)
I guess I do feel like we are meant to be because i love him and i know he loves me as he has told me so many times and was always so sweet and caring and protective. I dont know what I can do because I feel like I am failing as a future wife
 
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BlueAshSky

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This is why couples needs a break. Maybe you both should take a vacation formwork and spend "us time" together. Though maybe its not the best option since your not married and I assume live together (unless I read into that wrong). You don't want to vacation together and build up romance that leads to sex on accident.

As for getting married fast.... I'm split. You could marry but that really wont' change whats going on currently. Just may lead to more stress and you two growing more distant. Maybe you two should have a serious talk about all this. Two people working and trying to have time for each other isn't easy from what I've seen. You both end up so tired that you really just want to rest and not spend more time doing anything else.

If your starting to fight more and what not then maybe its a red flag that marriage isn't an option yet. Thats the good thing about getting to the fiancee stage, you still have time to back out if you think things aren't working out well. I know that sounds like "Oh I could never do that, I love him!" but sometimes we are so blinded by what we think is love that we miss the barrage of signs Gods showing us to run away. Its how people end up married who hate each other.

I should know. I made the mistake before. The red flags were practically a ocean of flags and despite me drowing in the flags I still held out hope things would work out ok and we could marry and be happily ever after. I'm glad we didn't marry because I can see we would have split (not that I believe in it).

Also the fact the wedding date has been pushed back makes me think theres hesitation or some cold feet maybe. Marriage is a big commitment. Bigger then most realize before hand.

Idk I have tried talking to him like you suggested but it seems I can never get anywhere. He always has a reason to not talk or blows me off all together. It is frustrating some times but i do love him and just want us to be happy again. I wish I knew what I could do to win him over and show that I am worth his time, i am not asking for a lot of time just more than nothing... i know he is stressed out but I want him to let me in so I can make his home life better and show him that it is where he can relax after working so much he just always wants to go somewhere or do something without me

I will suggest a vacation but im afraid he wont like the idea because he always has a reason to go to work.

And i dont think he has cold feet about the wedding we have just been in hard situations for the past two years. Thank you so much for your replies
 
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turkle

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Idk I have tried talking to him like you suggested but it seems I can never get anywhere. He always has a reason to not talk or blows me off all together.

I wish I knew what I could do to win him over and show that I am worth his time, i am not asking for a lot of time just more than nothing.

but I want him to let me in so I can make his home life better

he just always wants to go somewhere or do something without me
I think you really need to take a hard look at your own words. You can't talk with him, he won't talk to you, he blows you off, you think he doesn't perceive you as worth his time, his idea of enjoyment is to do something without you.

These are not things that get better after the wedding. He is clearly showing you who he is and what he thinks of you. It sounds like you've been living together for a while, and your relationship has gone downhill. He doesn't want to talk with a pastor. I'm guessing he's not interested in counseling either. He says he loves you sometimes, but that is meaningless unless his actions match his words.

I've seen this same thing happen dozens of times. The woman clings to a man who doesn't respect her, and desperately wants him to change. He is not interested in changing, and checks out emotionally. The wedding keeps getting pushed back (seriously, you don't need a wedding to get married.. it's really very simple.) Then, finally, the marriage takes place and nothing changes. Dissatisfaction grows deeper, and they become the next statistic.

Fortunately, you haven't made the commitment yet. I know that in your shoes, I would never, ever marry a man who treated me like that. You are having a terrible time with him, and you're not even married yet. Imagine what a lifetime of this would be like. Imagine having children, and he's so emotionally checked out that the parenting is left all to you.

Nothing will change unless he is deeply committed to having a loving relationship with you. So far he is not. If he isn't willing to get pre-marital counseling because he doesn't care how you feel and he's perfectly happy with the way he is now, then in your shoes I would be out the door today.
 
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Goodbook

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Your situation sounds similar to like what a person I know is facing. Except she has a son already.

If you dont have children, and you arent married...
Well firstly pray. If you are to marry seek wise counsel. How are your futureinlaws?
Why is your fiance working so hard...do you have a mortgage to pay off, what is his line of work that needs 60hours plus a week that is excessive. Does he have time for church and fellowship? I would say if hes not into commitiing, that an engagement of 3 years seems longer than necessary.

Even God rested on the seventh day from his work, so if your fiance isnt having this rest remind him as it cant be good for his health to work so hard all the time.
Sometimes companies have cheap vacation places you can go, if hes in a union or part of its social club..i remember I when I was working full time and part of the union they had discount on baches and holiday homes you could book and the organsiation even organised outings etc and families and partners could go.

I mean you could try talking to his boss!
 
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BlueAshSky

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I think you really need to take a hard look at your own words. You can't talk with him, he won't talk to you, he blows you off, you think he doesn't perceive you as worth his time, his idea of enjoyment is to do something without you.

These are not things that get better after the wedding. He is clearly showing you who he is and what he thinks of you. It sounds like you've been living together for a while, and your relationship has gone downhill. He doesn't want to talk with a pastor. I'm guessing he's not interested in counseling either. He says he loves you sometimes, but that is meaningless unless his actions match his words.

I've seen this same thing happen dozens of times. The woman clings to a man who doesn't respect her, and desperately wants him to change. He is not interested in changing, and checks out emotionally. The wedding keeps getting pushed back (seriously, you don't need a wedding to get married.. it's really very simple.) Then, finally, the marriage takes place and nothing changes. Dissatisfaction grows deeper, and they become the next statistic.

Fortunately, you haven't made the commitment yet. I know that in your shoes, I would never, ever marry a man who treated me like that. You are having a terrible time with him, and you're not even married yet. Imagine what a lifetime of this would be like. Imagine having children, and he's so emotionally checked out that the parenting is left all to you.

Nothing will change unless he is deeply committed to having a loving relationship with you. So far he is not. If he isn't willing to get pre-marital counseling because he doesn't care how you feel and he's perfectly happy with the way he is now, then in your shoes I would be out the door today.

Thank you for your honesty.
Everything we have seen and been through together, plus being emotionally connected with his entire family, and him mine, makes it seem like not an option to just leave. I want so badly for this to be worked out and to make him happy again but maybe you are right and i am in denial and cannot make him happy again. He helped me get through a tough spot and supported me in college and we always talked about how wonderful it would be to move in together and start a family but now that we have done everything we planned it isnt seeming as wonderful to him

He works a lot because he is trying to get in a good position and is in an 'all eyes are on him' type of situation. We have talked about him taking less hours but he worries about savings and everything else, which i understand but at the same time wish he understood that i would be happy even if he made less money... i just want to be together. With him. We dont have to have all these nice things.
Telling him that doesnt seem to change anything and he just continually wants to grind to do more at his job..
 
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Zatek

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Right off the bat your approach to relationships is completely wrong, though not uncommon as it is a myth perpetuated by the culture as a whole. Success in any relationship is about progress, whether its business, friendship, or romantic. Being engaged for long periods of time is stupid. If you are sure you are right for each other then get married. Right away. Go down to your local courthouse and get married right then. You can still have whatever big or small ceremony you want later. Being engaged for months or even years not only leads to temptations of sin, but also to long unnecessary periods of no progress in your relationship.

As a couple you should have goals on what your going to do as a married couple. Are you going to start a business together? Start a family? It can be almost anything, just something that you two enjoy and are passionate about and can build and create together.

The reason you are fighting is almost certainly due to the lack of progress. Lack of progress leads to feeling bad or worthless, and when you feel bad or worthless you often treat other people that way as well.

I do think it is the man's responsibility to be the leader in the relationship, but since you're here and not him I can only give you advice:

#1] Don't take his behavior personally. I know it's hard not to, but it is almost universally true that people treat other people based upon how they feel about themselves. You have been together for 4 years so it isn't that he doesn't like you or care about you, but I would bet that he is unhappy as well and that is causing him to treat you badly. Not that that's a good excuse, but it is reality.

#2] You need to rekindle the relationship. Easier said than done of course, and sometimes it can be too late, but that's what needs to be done. Since he has already refused to show up for counselling you need to send a firm and clear message. I would recommend you leave for 2-3 weeks, go stay with friends or family, preferably our of state. The way I recommend phrasing it is something along the lines of "I love you, and I want to be with you, but only if you want to be with me too. I'm going to go stay with my friends/family for 2 weeks to give you some time to figure out what you want. When I get back if you've decided you do want to be with me then we can work on fixing our relationship, but if not then I'll move out". Something along those lines that really emphasizes the voluntary aspect of relationship, no demands, just does he want to be with you.

#3] Hope for the best but be prepared to accept the worst. Maybe you get back and he says he loves you and wants to fix things, but then he skips out on another counseling session. If that happens, it's over. Don't give him the ultimatum, just leave. His behavior reveals his true feelings about you, not his words. If he continues to treat you poorly then that's it. Move on. Cut your losses. Find a guy who does want to be with you. Change can be scary, but wasting your life in a loveless relationship is far worse.

Just to close out my post with some final thoughts, you really need to develop the skill of reading people's personality. This whole idea of dating for years is ridiculous. You should have a really good idea whether the person is a good fit for you by the end of the first date if you can understand personalities and ask the right questions. Ask fun and revealing questions like what would they do with the rest of their life if they never needed to work a 9/5 job again, or what things they want to accomplish during their life? Anyone who can't answers those questions is an extremely poor candidate for a spouse. If I could sit down and have a 30 minute conversation with your fiance I could easily tell you what your chances are of things working out without even asking him any questions about your relationship. If he says he does want to make things work maybe you can find someone in your area who is good at reading personalities and "evaluate" him.
 
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BlueAshSky

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Right off the bat your approach to relationships is completely wrong, though not uncommon as it is a myth perpetuated by the culture as a whole. Success in any relationship is about progress, whether its business, friendship, or romantic. Being engaged for long periods of time is stupid. If you are sure you are right for each other then get married. Right away. Go down to your local courthouse and get married right then. You can still have whatever big or small ceremony you want later. Being engaged for months or even years not only leads to temptations of sin, but also to long unnecessary periods of no progress in your relationship.

As a couple you should have goals on what your going to do as a married couple. Are you going to start a business together? Start a family? It can be almost anything, just something that you two enjoy and are passionate about and can build and create together.

The reason you are fighting is almost certainly due to the lack of progress. Lack of progress leads to feeling bad or worthless, and when you feel bad or worthless you often treat other people that way as well.

I do think it is the man's responsibility to be the leader in the relationship, but since you're here and not him I can only give you advice:

#1] Don't take his behavior personally. I know it's hard not to, but it is almost universally true that people treat other people based upon how they feel about themselves. You have been together for 4 years so it isn't that he doesn't like you or care about you, but I would bet that he is unhappy as well and that is causing him to treat you badly. Not that that's a good excuse, but it is reality.

#2] You need to rekindle the relationship. Easier said than done of course, and sometimes it can be too late, but that's what needs to be done. Since he has already refused to show up for counselling you need to send a firm and clear message. I would recommend you leave for 2-3 weeks, go stay with friends or family, preferably our of state. The way I recommend phrasing it is something along the lines of "I love you, and I want to be with you, but only if you want to be with me too. I'm going to go stay with my friends/family for 2 weeks to give you some time to figure out what you want. When I get back if you've decided you do want to be with me then we can work on fixing our relationship, but if not then I'll move out". Something along those lines that really emphasizes the voluntary aspect of relationship, no demands, just does he want to be with you.

#3] Hope for the best but be prepared to accept the worst. Maybe you get back and he says he loves you and wants to fix things, but then he skips out on another counseling session. If that happens, it's over. Don't give him the ultimatum, just leave. His behavior reveals his true feelings about you, not his words. If he continues to treat you poorly then that's it. Move on. Cut your losses. Find a guy who does want to be with you. Change can be scary, but wasting your life in a loveless relationship is far worse.

Just to close out my post with some final thoughts, you really need to develop the skill of reading people's personality. This whole idea of dating for years is ridiculous. You should have a really good idea whether the person is a good fit for you by the end of the first date if you can understand personalities and ask the right questions. Ask fun and revealing questions like what would they do with the rest of their life if they never needed to work a 9/5 job again, or what things they want to accomplish during their life? Anyone who can't answers those questions is an extremely poor candidate for a spouse. If I could sit down and have a 30 minute conversation with your fiance I could easily tell you what your chances are of things working out without even asking him any questions about your relationship. If he says he does want to make things work maybe you can find someone in your area who is good at reading personalities and "evaluate" him.

Thank you for your advice.
I like to think i know him very well and we always have had ambitions and dreams. I dont think the problem is my inability to read him as it is his signals have completely changed . We have discussed marriage and a family and even moving to another state to chase different dreams it just feels like now that our lives have slowed down a bit he is burnt out on everything including me but my efforts at sparking that flare again have fallen short. Maybe your right that I should leave for a bit to show him im not going to settle for him ignoring and hurting me with his words and actions. I hate the idea of becoming another burden or stress for him so i try and just be easy going and not make drastic actions. I try not to take it personally but it is hard because he is my best friend
Thanks again for taking the time to help.me everyone it is nice being able to get my thoughts out that are normally kept inside because i cant talk to anyone about this really

God bless you
 
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Kit Sigmon

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From the way you have written your post it sounds to me like you
two are shacking up?
If you two be christians, then this isn't how you should be living...
you aren't to be taking each other for a "test drive".
You both are to be living lives that honor God, His Word and
honor the person you love and are wanting to marry.
Living in rebellion to the Word of God isn't going to bring godly blessings
not does it edify, it hinders your faith walk and hinders your prayers etc.
Discontinue shacking up and do seek godly counsel asap.
 
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RaymondG

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From the way you have written your post it sounds to me like you
two are shacking up?
If you two be christians, then this isn't how you should be living...
you aren't to be taking each other for a "test drive".
You both are to be living lives that honor God, His Word and
honor the person you love and are wanting to marry.
Living in rebellion to the Word of God isn't going to bring godly blessings
not does it edify, it hinders your faith walk and hinders your prayers etc.
Discontinue shacking up and do seek godly counsel asap.
Im very surprised that it took this long for someone to realize and say something about this.... The religious guys are slacking.
 
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