Spiritual Abuse

[angeltrue]

I

I don't think spiritual abuse in the home is much different - it's still the same arbitrary "authoritarian don't-question-me" type of spirit at work. I think it's very easy to fall prey to it, and believers need to stay alert that they don't commit it, and they don't allow others to commit it.

Parents have authority over a child, but a child should be allowed to question and discuss their decisions, as long as it's reasonable. The verse came to mind from Timothy: Rightly handling the word of truth. I have experienced that those who commit spiritual abuse do not correctly handle the word of truth.

I think a word of warning is in order, as I have seen the damage this abuse of authority inflicts. Those new in the faith, or who haven't developed discernment can fall prey to believe the assertions made by these people, that "they" are "the one" who is "guided by the Holy Spirit" or "God put them in their position" - and they violate their own conscience because these people assert they speak for God. That's dangerous.

How many people went to that abusive church after my friend and us left, and were sucked into inflicting harm on someone, who now is disgusted with "Christians?" How many people are going onto that busy forum, not knowing the evil lurking there?

I'm sorry to learn that this happened in your home Padiske. Did it leave any lasting scars? Did you find a way to overcome it?

I see your point about about boundaries, and telling a member to not come to church drunk - that is legitimate. But it's the crossing over, the intimidation, the assertion that your word is sacrosanct, that scares me.

 

[Phil 1:21]

She is close to God, however; I believe much closer to God than those pastors.

In the end, that is so much more important than the denomination written above the door of a building. I've seen what your friend went through. I've seen Catholic kids ridiculed by "adults" (quotes intentional) because of their faith, and I've lost track of how many times I've heard Catholics (here and elsewhere) say that only those who submit to the Pope are going to heaven. It's sad and unfortunate, but people are people.

 

[Paidiske]

I'm sorry to learn that this happened in your home Padiske. Did it leave any lasting scars? Did you find a way to overcome it?

It was part of a much larger pattern of abuse, and that left significant lasting wounds, yes. I think, for me, growing into and taking on a role in which I am able to exercise authority in a careful, loving and gentle way, has been a very healing thing. (Not that I'm perfect; but part of it is being able to recognise when I've got it wrong and go and apologise to that person. And each time I do that, it's like reaffirming that abuse is not the right path).

I see your point about about boundaries, and telling a member to not come to church drunk - that is legitimate. But it's the crossing over, the intimidation, the assertion that your word is sacrosanct, that scares me.

I couldn't agree more.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

it is indeed abusive when anyone would seek to bind the conscience and condemn anyone beyond what God's Word in Scripture would allow.

on the flip side, in this supercharged egotistical society we live in, most people don't like others telling them how to live their lives.

 

[angeltrue]

In the end, that is so much more important than the denomination written above the door of a building. I've seen what your friend went through. I've seen Catholic kids ridiculed by "adults" (quotes intentional) because of their faith, and I've lost track of how many times I've heard Catholics (here and elsewhere) say that only those who submit to the Pope are going to heaven. It's sad and unfortunate, but people are people.

I see that you cut through to the truth, that her being close to God is more important than the denomination written above the door of a building. I wish more people held that view. The pastors who inflicted the harm were older than my friend, yet their ages didn't reflect spiritual maturity. That's concerning that Catholics would assert that about the Pope.

It's difficult to navigate, but I think we need to keep seeking truth, even if we have to leave a church or a body of believers. I had another friend, an unbeliever, who told me her husband said: "you have to watch those born-agains." She thought Christians were synonymous with corruption. A guy who worked at the same company as my husband was something big in his church. He was caught stealing from their company. There is so much hypocrisy, that it really is a narrow road we must walk.

 

[angeltrue]

it is indeed abusive when anyone would seek to bind the conscience and condemn anyone beyond what God's Word in Scripture would allow.

on the flip side, in this supercharged egotistical society we live in, most people don't like others telling them how to live their lives.

Thanks for your viewpoint W. We do live in a "supercharged egotistical society." That's a point to keep in mind, to ask ourselves whether we really just don't want correction, or if there is a valid reason for questioning the decisions of leaders. I think it takes a lot of discernment to "rightly handle the word of truth." I saw what I believed, was misapplication of scripture verses, to suit their viewpoints. I think it takes someone very humble, who is willing to look within themselves to see any wrong way within. No matter how I tried to reason with the separate individuals, I encountered a brick wall of hostility. It was pride.

I'm learning from this discussion, thanks to all of you. My viewpoints are evolving. I think the best safeguard is humility. We've all seen it, the pomposity and "proud look" of people we've encountered throughout our lives. We've also encountered the other kind. Those who exude humility.

 

[PeterDona]

Hi Peter,

So you don't think that you experienced true spiritual abuse, you think that the fault lied within you? (Or somewhere in between!?)

I like your humble attitude. I think what you said is important - we have to take the time and search our own heart as we ask God to search us: "...And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:24

At what point would you think that the fault did't lie within you, but in another?

I'm working through my own beliefs on this, and would like to know others' experiences.

I think I have had a tendency to go for small intense fellowships, but the problem is that such fellowships can act very drastically at times. I had bad experiences with both fellowships, but maybe really my root problem was that I did not have a solid belief that God WILL take care of me. So that would mean that I tend to lean towards people instead of leaning towards God. That is a good lesson to learn, that God is my provider (Jehovah Jireh), and that I can lean on Him.
regards, Peter

 

[Bluerose31]

I'm writing an article on spiritual abuse. My husband and I encountered it in a church we tried, and I later experienced it on (another) Christian forum.

I've found the authoritarian abuse by leaders in varying positions in the church and on forums, is often confusing, and we don't recognize what it is right away. Sensitive spirits are wounded by professing Christians, who don't seem to care that they inflict pain, and insist their hurtful actions shouldn't be questioned.

It is my belief that spiritual abuse is a severe form of pride, and is a sin and that Christian leaders will do almost anything to keep their sin, and the truth about themselves hidden.

I did cursory research and learned that spiritual abuse is widespread, and I'd like to get feedback from other believers, as to whether they have experienced it or not. I'm including some signs of spiritual abuse:

The following are several signs of spiritual abuse:

• Stating personal religious convictions and preferences as fact for everyone
• Religious convictions and preferences are stated as black and white
• Requirements for church attendance
• Dress and clothing requirements (appearance is a priority)
• Closed minded about different interpretations of Scripture
• Misinterpretations of scripture
• Questioning the leaders is discouraged
• Judging others
• Excessive gossip
• Hostility towards “heathens” and others who are not believers
• Only people who go to a certain church are believers
• Only reading a certain Bible version is allowed
• Sexuality is seen as dirty, bad, and/or sinful
• Strict discipline standards for children
• Promoting spanking above all other forms of discipline
• Guilt trips for taking vacation and missing church
• Teaching Tithing
• Emphasis on traditions
• Music standards
• Performance appraisals
• Push towards perfection
• Required devotional or quiet time
• Levels or degrees of spirituality
• Focusing on the penalty for sinning
• Emphasis on God “chastening” you
• Looking down on people who have left the church or denomination
• Requiring a refusal of medical services
• Required membership
• Discarding psychology
• Mental health issues are considered sinful or non-existent
• Depression/Anxiety considered a sin
• Your not spiritual enough if something bad happens to you
• God is judging you for sin in your life
• Being told “You need more faith” or “You don’t have enough faith”
• Child discipline tactics that include warnings about God’s wrath
• Rigid black and white thinking/answers to questions
• Too much emphasis on the spiritual and not enough emphasis on the physical
• Fears about the punishments of God
• Negative messages about sexuality
• Taught to deny the apatites of the body
• Emphasis on reading the Bible and praying heavily to appease God and avoid punishment
• Messages that you aren’t spiritual enough
• Your “suffering” (whatever it may be) is a result of some sin in your life
• Your physical illness is punishment for some sin in your life

Very good information on spiritual abuse, thank you

 

[Thedictator]

Your list has no context most of the stuff you have on here sounds like someone with an authority complex. Jesus Christ would be guilty of some of the things on your list. You need to give context.

 

[angeltrue]

It was part of a much larger pattern of abuse, and that left significant lasting wounds, yes. I think, for me, growing into and taking on a role in which I am able to exercise authority in a careful, loving and gentle way, has been a very healing thing. (Not that I'm perfect; but part of it is being able to recognise when I've got it wrong and go and apologise to that person. And each time I do that, it's like reaffirming that abuse is not the right path).



I couldn't agree more.

It's encouraging to hear that you acknowledge when you've got it wrong, and apologize. I believe that those who are humble make the best leaders.

Both times I have encountered spiritual abuse, the individuals refused to consider they could be wrong. There was no willingness to discuss it, or bring in a neutral third-party. They invalidated my feelings, and were callous in how they hurt my friend. This type of abuse is insidious, and I believe satan can work through these types of leaders who refuse to be held accountable.
I think because you experienced spiritual abuse yourself and know it's damaging effects, you might exercise authority much more carefully than an individual who has not been on the receiving end of it. Prior to you sharing your experience, I hadn't considered spiritual abuse as something that might happen in the home. I think that's a valuable point that might be helpful to believers, for many reasons.

 

[friend of]

It is my belief that spiritual abuse is a severe form of pride, and is a sin and that Christian leaders will do almost anything to keep their sin, and the truth about themselves hidden.

Yes indeed. I'm of the mind to think that Matthew 7:22-23 was talking specifically about those who are spiritually prideful. Pride permeates all sin, but spiritual pride prepares graves for saints and drives people away from Christ, especially when these people get into position of power within a congregation.

Bless you for compiling that excellent list!

 

[angeltrue]

I

It was part of a much larger pattern of abuse, and that left significant lasting wounds, yes. I think, for me, growing into and taking on a role in which I am able to exercise authority in a careful, loving and gentle way, has been a very healing thing. (Not that I'm perfect; but part of it is being able to recognise when I've got it wrong and go and apologise to that person. And each time I do that, it's like reaffirming that abuse is not the right path).



I couldn't agree more.

I'm sorry to hear that. I don't want to discount the pain you must have endured. I know it must be hard. But it sounds like God turned you into a better person because of it. It's encouraging to hear that you acknowledge when you've got it wrong, and apologize. I'm beginning to realize that those who are humble make the best leaders.

Both times I have encountered spiritual abuse, the individuals refused to consider they could be wrong - even the least bit. There was no willingness to discuss it, or bring in a neutral third-party. They invalidated my feelings, and were callous in how they hurt my friend - as if she didn't matter. It was confusing because we hold pastors up. This type of abuse is insidious, and I believe satan can work through these types of leaders who refuse to be held accountable. I've noticed they operate in collusion with at least one other person.

I think because you experienced spiritual abuse yourself and know it's damaging effects, you might exercise authority much more carefully than an individual who has not been on the receiving end of it. Prior to you sharing your experience, I hadn't considered spiritual abuse as something that might happen in the home. I think that's a valuable point that might be helpful to believers, for many reasons.

 

[angeltrue]

Very good information on spiritual abuse, thank you

Thank you. I have to find a better list, as the one above seems to be too broad.

 

[angeltrue]

Your list has no context most of the stuff you have on here sounds like someone with an authority complex. Jesus Christ would be guilty of some of the things on your list. You need to give context.

Thank you for your input, I am going to look for a list that is not so broad.

 

[angeltrue]

Yes indeed. I'm of the mind to think that Matthew 7:22-23 was talking specifically about those who are spiritually prideful. Pride permeates all sin, but spiritual pride prepares graves for saints and drives people away from Christ, especially when these people get into position of power within a congregation.

Bless you for compiling that excellent list!

Thanks for reminding me of that verse. I like discussion because others come up with relevant scripture I had not thought of. I don't get out anymore, and I miss bible study where scripture is studied and shared.

I agree with you fully - spiritual pride drives people away from Christ. After the incident with the abuse of my friend at that church, we were confused, and unsure what to do. I contacted several online pastors, and I spoke with one wonderful, and humble pastor. He helped me by clarifying issues, and he helped my friend because she felt validated. He was very humble, and though I forget most of what he wrote, but the one point that helped me the most, was that he said he didn't think that he would want to belong to a church like that. He helped us make the decision to leave the church. It was the right decision.

But how much damage is done to believers whose spiritual growth is stunted because they won't return to church again, and then the church body loses that person's gift. There are potentially many other possibilities. I think there is probably an unknown group of individuals wounded by a church, who have turned their back on Christ.

 

[friend of]

In my experience, the majority of those in positions of authority within the church, shouldn't even be teaching in the first place. Humility is a trademark of the true servant of Christ. Anyway, take care. Prayers for you!

 

[little1]

Sometimes people get put into a position of leadership and they were not chosen by God. They have the ability to lead but not the anointing to lead. It just causes hurt when we do things with out the Lord. They often get people who "have the right last name" or someone with an excellent skills set.
We all do it. We look at what the world values. Degrees, good looks, charisma, economic success or an all round successful individual who can socialize and serve with no problems etc.
In the bible God chose the incapable, the servant the week.
Now a days being a pastor or leader is prestigious. Many young people's dream "career choice" is a leader. The unhealed part of them want it for the wrong reason.

We need God to lift people up to lead. We must pray God builds His church.

Only God knows the horrific carnage spiritual manipulation and abuse has caused. He takes it very serious. I know far to many individuals who have been savaged by wolves in sheep's clothing.

As a person who loves to pray I feel protective. I hate seeing sheep hurt. We need to pray

 

[now faith]

None of what is being discussed here is spiritual, other than legalism and that would be demonic.
You are describing convict and challenge theology that places guilt on the flock constantly.
It is most common in Churches who are independent fundamental Baptist but I'm sure others are the same way too.
The notion that what ever the Pastor says is true,no matter what God's Word says is a good sign.
They are small groups that stay in emotional turmoil due to trying to live up to the Pastors OCD problems.
Often the leadership has sin issues themselves such as lust and lies to cover their faults.
In the right environment not all of your points are bad,but when you feel worthless when you get out of Sunday prison ,you know you simply have to leave.
They will always be toxic and always quench the Spirit that dwells in you.
They run more people from God than they bring.
The doctrine is focused on the Church more than the Body of Christ.
Their ego will not let them approve of any other Churches other than one just like them miles away.
My advice is not to dwell on them just move on to a Church that is centered around Christ and the teaching of God's Word in proper context,not twisting it to make up stupid rules.

Matthew: 23. 27. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness. 28. Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity. 29. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! because ye build the tombs of the prophets, and garnish the sepulchres of the righteous, 30. And say, If we had been in the days of our fathers, we would not have been partakers with them in the blood of the prophets. 31. Wherefore ye be witnesses unto yourselves, that ye are the children of them which killed the prophets. 32. Fill ye up then the measure of your fathers. 33. Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell? 34. Wherefore, behold, I send unto you prophets, and wise men, and scribes: and some of them ye shall kill and crucify; and some of them shall ye scourge in your synagogues, and persecute them from city to city

 

[buzuxi02]

I can only agree to about half of that list. In fact it sounds bigoted and hippocritical. Because a person believes in certain truths that his community may regard as doctrine but you may not agree with, is abusive? Isn't rthe insistence on many things on that list reverse discrimination and abuse? Sounds like a list that was thought up by some antifa sjw marxist. I can assure you that list was created by a secular humanist looking to spread atheism. Note the obsession on that list of the "goodness" of the carnal appetites.

 

[little1]

I can only agree to about half of that list. In fact it sounds bigoted and hippocritical. Because a person believes in certain truths that his community may regard as doctrine but you may not agree with, is abusive? Isn't your insistence on many things on that list reverse discrimination and abuse? Sounds like a list that was thought up by some antifa sjw marxist.

not an SJW .. don't say that lol she already said the list was no good
spiritual abuse is real its not pretend SJW rubbish it is real