Everything negative that I have ever endured weighs down on me. Experiences, words, thoughts, like a huge weight, or a dark gloomy cloud. I wonder if this is PTSD. Ever since I was young I have been different, and I think it has hurt me in many ways. Always struggling, always different. Such a burden. I also see things that others don't and its distressing. I see so much darkness in the world, and myself too. I fight the fight of faith, I will fight till the end.
It could well be, it depends how the negativity displays itself in your life I suppose.
My main symptoms are trauma memories, rage, insomnia, panic attacks, nightmares, massive bouts of sudden insecurity, (often unexplained,) deep distrust, especially towards people who display characteristics of those persons who attacked me. For example sarcasm, dirty talk, bullying or any kind of physical violence. There is so much too it brother. Severe trauma can also be stored in body memories so they don't have to be conscious at all from that perspective, very difficult to trace.
I found that the best way to explain it, is as the bible tells us about foundations - what are the foundations of your reality today? Where did you build on?
For example a lot of my P.T.S.D stems originally from a violent sexual which almost killed me. I was only a kid and didn't know anything much about sex for I wasn't sexually active yet at the time of the assault. Consequently I build my early sex life on the memories and things I had learned during my assault and in this way utterly corrupted my sexual experiences and the direction sexual feelings often took me.
I didn't understand this at all at the time and was soon completely divided within myself. Where the bad life my trauma put in me build itself up against the good life that was my true self. This division within me caused me to have a horrific split in my personality, where I was overcome by the very wrongs that were torturing me at other times, which displayed itself most clearly in these horrific rages that would play itself of within me without knowing why and terrible tension, panic attacks and bouts of sudden unexplained severe insecurities.
Hadn't it been for my wife I would have never known what good sex was. For I loved her and kept my corrupted sexual self completely separate from my relationship with my wife, though it raged against it. (can you see the division again?) Though in the end my bad life overtook my good life with my wife and destroyed it completely and we had to rebuild our lives together through forgiveness and acceptance. I don't think my sexuality could have ever been rebuild if it hadn't been for my unbelievable forgiving and faithful wife God gave me, who absorbed all the bad that attacked her and sanctifying me through her unconditional love for me.
Now I found that the real problem is suppressing brother. This is where I have done the most damage in my life with my bad life. See I hid my bad life for I was scared to death from it, and deeply ashamed, confused and understood everything upside down and inside out and not in the right perspective.
Like blaming myself for being sexually assaulted for example. The incredible damage I did to myself thinking and feeling like that for 44 years.
So if you have experienced severe trauma brother then the best is to loose your life completely and let Jesus rebuild it. Just read back on my last psychotic experience and see for yourself how that can manifest itself - not suppressing anything that lives inside, but letting everything come out and placing it into God's loving truth to be sanctified. Where instead of suppressing the bad life within you you carefully release it, no matter how wrong it all seems, and let God's Word rebuild you from the bottom up. My psychosis would always wreck my good life completely but now my psychosis is begin to produce more and more good life instead of bad, that is how powerful God's loving truth is. I'm sure that it will soon stop bothering me for Jesus is completely in that part of my life now.
Another way of looking at it is to inject God's unconditional love into the places where everything is wrong (especially where you are in suppressed mode within yourself - e.g trying to stop the wrong coming up or taking control over it in a loveless way - or paradoxically - are active in the very wrongs that have uncontrollably control over your good life.
It wasn't until I began to give God's love and grace to myself in my unstoppable wrongs that these patterns began to reverse over time and healing of willful being in wrong could finally be addressed by God's loving truth. I never learned to that until I was rock bottom in my pit where all the wrong life within me had taken me by then.
Think about the wheels within wheels that is our Lord - each time you put God's love into bad, the bad begins to die and the good put in grows in its place until all the bad life has been turned to good life instead. Where the division of goat and sheep take place - or an other way of looking at is that your poisonous drinking water is being purified into living waters instead.
For me when the trauma memories come now, instead of sparking wrong, they spark right and instead of causing more havoc they bring me to Christ. The same with my psychosis, my rage, my panic attacks, physical unwellness everything - even my insomnia Jesus turns for good instead of bad. Such a incredible victory brother from that perspective. For now bad brings me good instead of more bad.
So I urge you to let your negativity come out by loving it to death with God's loving truth, without trying to control that process, but trusting that Jesus knows what is wrong much better than you do and He knows how to rebuild you right - you can't do it yourself.
Be of good courage brother, you have the loving truth of God already in you, so simple pass it around within yourself to yourself and let His loving truth sanctify you. Just make sure you let evil be evil still and the righteous be righteous still by keeping your eyes on Christ and no one else.
Much love to help you on your way brother.