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what are you feeling right now? (23)

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W2L

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Everything negative that I have ever endured weighs down on me. Experiences, words, thoughts, like a huge weight, or a dark gloomy cloud. I wonder if this is PTSD. Ever since I was young I have been different, and I think it has hurt me in many ways. Always struggling, always different. Such a burden. I also see things that others don't and its distressing. I see so much darkness in the world, and myself too. I fight the fight of faith, I will fight till the end.
 
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W2L

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Colossians 3:3 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ, who is your[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory

2 Corinthians 4:18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 5:7 For we walk by faith, not by sight.
 
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Jeshu

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Everything negative that I have ever endured weighs down on me. Experiences, words, thoughts, like a huge weight, or a dark gloomy cloud. I wonder if this is PTSD. Ever since I was young I have been different, and I think it has hurt me in many ways. Always struggling, always different. Such a burden. I also see things that others don't and its distressing. I see so much darkness in the world, and myself too. I fight the fight of faith, I will fight till the end.

It could well be, it depends how the negativity displays itself in your life I suppose.

My main symptoms are trauma memories, rage, insomnia, panic attacks, nightmares, massive bouts of sudden insecurity, (often unexplained,) deep distrust, especially towards people who display characteristics of those persons who attacked me. For example sarcasm, dirty talk, bullying or any kind of physical violence. There is so much too it brother. Severe trauma can also be stored in body memories so they don't have to be conscious at all from that perspective, very difficult to trace.

I found that the best way to explain it, is as the bible tells us about foundations - what are the foundations of your reality today? Where did you build on?

For example a lot of my P.T.S.D stems originally from a violent sexual which almost killed me. I was only a kid and didn't know anything much about sex for I wasn't sexually active yet at the time of the assault. Consequently I build my early sex life on the memories and things I had learned during my assault and in this way utterly corrupted my sexual experiences and the direction sexual feelings often took me.

I didn't understand this at all at the time and was soon completely divided within myself. Where the bad life my trauma put in me build itself up against the good life that was my true self. This division within me caused me to have a horrific split in my personality, where I was overcome by the very wrongs that were torturing me at other times, which displayed itself most clearly in these horrific rages that would play itself of within me without knowing why and terrible tension, panic attacks and bouts of sudden unexplained severe insecurities.

Hadn't it been for my wife I would have never known what good sex was. For I loved her and kept my corrupted sexual self completely separate from my relationship with my wife, though it raged against it. (can you see the division again?) Though in the end my bad life overtook my good life with my wife and destroyed it completely and we had to rebuild our lives together through forgiveness and acceptance. I don't think my sexuality could have ever been rebuild if it hadn't been for my unbelievable forgiving and faithful wife God gave me, who absorbed all the bad that attacked her and sanctifying me through her unconditional love for me.

Now I found that the real problem is suppressing brother. This is where I have done the most damage in my life with my bad life. See I hid my bad life for I was scared to death from it, and deeply ashamed, confused and understood everything upside down and inside out and not in the right perspective.

Like blaming myself for being sexually assaulted for example. The incredible damage I did to myself thinking and feeling like that for 44 years.

So if you have experienced severe trauma brother then the best is to loose your life completely and let Jesus rebuild it. Just read back on my last psychotic experience and see for yourself how that can manifest itself - not suppressing anything that lives inside, but letting everything come out and placing it into God's loving truth to be sanctified. Where instead of suppressing the bad life within you you carefully release it, no matter how wrong it all seems, and let God's Word rebuild you from the bottom up. My psychosis would always wreck my good life completely but now my psychosis is begin to produce more and more good life instead of bad, that is how powerful God's loving truth is. I'm sure that it will soon stop bothering me for Jesus is completely in that part of my life now.

Another way of looking at it is to inject God's unconditional love into the places where everything is wrong (especially where you are in suppressed mode within yourself - e.g trying to stop the wrong coming up or taking control over it in a loveless way - or paradoxically - are active in the very wrongs that have uncontrollably control over your good life.

It wasn't until I began to give God's love and grace to myself in my unstoppable wrongs that these patterns began to reverse over time and healing of willful being in wrong could finally be addressed by God's loving truth. I never learned to that until I was rock bottom in my pit where all the wrong life within me had taken me by then.

Think about the wheels within wheels that is our Lord - each time you put God's love into bad, the bad begins to die and the good put in grows in its place until all the bad life has been turned to good life instead. Where the division of goat and sheep take place - or an other way of looking at is that your poisonous drinking water is being purified into living waters instead.

For me when the trauma memories come now, instead of sparking wrong, they spark right and instead of causing more havoc they bring me to Christ. The same with my psychosis, my rage, my panic attacks, physical unwellness everything - even my insomnia Jesus turns for good instead of bad. Such a incredible victory brother from that perspective. For now bad brings me good instead of more bad.

So I urge you to let your negativity come out by loving it to death with God's loving truth, without trying to control that process, but trusting that Jesus knows what is wrong much better than you do and He knows how to rebuild you right - you can't do it yourself.

Be of good courage brother, you have the loving truth of God already in you, so simple pass it around within yourself to yourself and let His loving truth sanctify you. Just make sure you let evil be evil still and the righteous be righteous still by keeping your eyes on Christ and no one else.

Much love to help you on your way brother.
 
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My hallucinations have finally stopped altogether. Feeling a little low but otherwise fine. Trying to get as much sleep as I can get.

Thanks for praying
Gerry, so glad you are better. Sleep is probably the best thing for you now. Your mind has been very busy lately.

Also pleased that Shadow has gotten some relief. Healing may take a bit of time but at least the pain has eased. Unfortunately the wound is in the busy throughway by which food, drink, air and vocals must pass. My prayers for her healing as well as your needed improved sleep and peace of mind.

Our vet is a wonderful gentle souled Christian man who lives in a beautiful farm house right across the road. Judy looks after their horses when he is away. When they built their home a few years ago I joked that he should put up a plaque and dedicate a wing of his house to us since we have spent so much money at his animal hospital over the years! Whenever there is a tornado warning we go to their place since it is made of brick and in a sheltered location.

Really, he has looked after our 4 legged brood for years and was there to mourn with us when we had to put them to sleep.

I was feeling very low yesterday. Took a couple extra Xanax along with the usual Lunesta and 10mg Melatonin and slept well, which is what I needed. Went to bed at 8pm, fed the dogs and took them out at 6:30, then dutifully fell back to sleep until 10:30. I needed that.

Judy is having surgery on the foot she broke last April on Oct. 19. It was diagnosed wrong at the time so the treatment was wrong, hence the necessary surgery now since it didn't heal properly.

We have 2 festivals coming up in Oct. and also we are backup musicians for two singer/guitarist teenage young ladies doing their thing as well. Also an important gig for us on Nov 11 so I have been practicing at home 1-2 hours a day.

I have been in prayer and contemplation more often now; my thoughts and prayers turn often to those souls living in the Carribean and the southeastern US coastal areas.
 
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Gerry, so glad you are better. Sleep is probably the best thing for you now. Your mind has been very busy lately.

Also pleased that Shadow has gotten some relief. Healing may take a bit of time but at least the pain has eased. Unfortunately the wound is in the busy throughway by which food, drink, air and vocals must pass. My prayers for her healing as well ad your needed improved sleep and peace of mind.

Our vet is a wonderful gentle souled Christian man who lives in a beautiful farm house right across the road. Judy looks after their horses when he is away. When they built their home a few years ago I joked that he should put up a plaque and dedicate a wing of his house to us since we have spent so much money at his animal hospital over the years! Whenever there is a tornado warning we go to their place since it is made of brick and in a sheltered location.

Really, he has looked after our 4 legged brood for years and was there to mourn with us when we had to put them to sleep.

I was feeling very low yesterday. Took a couple extra Xanax along with the usual Lunesta and 10mg Melatonin and slept well, which is what I needed. Went to bed at 8pm, fed the dogs and took them out at 6:30, then dutifully fell back to sleep until 10:30. I needed that.

Judy is gaving surgery on the foot she broke last April on Oct. 19. It was diagnosed wrong at the time so the treatment was wrong, hence the necessary surgery now since it didn't heal properly.

We have 2 festivals coming up in Oct. and also we are backup musicians for two singer/guitarist teeage young ladies doing their thing as well. Also an important gig for us on Nov 11 so I have been practicing at home 1-2 hours a day.

I have been in prayer and contemplation more often now; my thoughts and prayers turn often to those souls living in the Carribean and the southeastern US coastal areas.


Good hearing from you Ron. I'm not sleeping as you can see. I slept only 1 or at max 2 hours at the time at the moment. Yesterday I got about 6 hours all up doing that. Hopefully soon I'll be ready for a few more hours.

My hallucinations are as good as completely gone now. Sometimes just a little like things come into focus but then already fasde away again. I still have little calming meds to help me with these last stages. At least I get some sleep now, it was bad for a bit, though it still isn't very good.

I started to take vitamin B3 - I'm up to 4000-5000 mg a day, not sure how high I need to go to get complete relief but it can go as high as 18000 mg a day for severe schizophrenic experiences. Amazing how I can feel the supplement working even just 20 minutes after taking it. Together with 5-htp it is making a world of difference that is for sure.

Shadow is doing fine. She got a 24 hour injection against the pain and is eating and drinking again now. Though she sleeps most of the time and has very little energy compared to normal, must be the pain killer.

Keep praying for those suffering people brother. That is why Jesus brings them to mind. Send them your prayers and your love. Jesus will make sure it does what it needs to do, without taking any of it for Himself but rather increasing it with His love.

Be blessed brother.
 
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Everything negative that I have ever endured weighs down on me. Experiences, words, thoughts, like a huge weight, or a dark gloomy cloud. I wonder if this is PTSD. Ever since I was young I have been different, and I think it has hurt me in many ways. Always struggling, always different. Such a burden. I also see things that others don't and its distressing. I see so much darkness in the world, and myself too. I fight the fight of faith, I will fight till the end.
I can SO identify with you right now. I have such a burden of heaviness. I sometimes see (usually with my spiritual eyes only)/sense things that others don't and it drives me to my knees if I respond rightly. If I respond wrongly I become overwhelmed with depression and want to shut down. I get a sense of what some of the OT prophets went through emotionally with their depression battles but I am not gifted with prophecy; just a certain sensitivity. My wife is dismissive so I don't speak of such things to her.

Continue to express yourself here, pursue the wonderful hobby you've chosen as an expressive tension release, and stay close to Jesus Christ. I feel in the not too distant future we will be given a choice to either follow Him with all our hearts, no compromising, or lose all we have in this life, even our own lives. Love you, brother.
 
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My main symptoms are trauma memories, rage, insomnia, panic attacks, nightmares, massive bouts of sudden insecurity, (often unexplained,) deep distrust, especially towards people who display characteristics of those persons who attacked me. For example sarcasm, dirty talk, bullying or any kind of physical violence. There is so much too it brother. Severe trauma can also be stored in body memories so they don't have to be conscious at all from that perspective, very difficult to trace.

.

This describes me well. I have, or have had, everything you described above.
 
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I can SO identify with you right now. I have such a burden of heaviness. I sometimes see (usually with my spiritual eyes only)/sense things that others don't and it drives me to my knees if I respond rightly. If I respond wrongly I become overwhelmed with depression and want to shut down. I get a sense of what some of the OT prophets went through emotionally with their depression battles but I am not gifted with prophecy; just a certain sensivity. My wife is dismissive so I don't speak of such things to her.

Continue to express yourself here, pursue the wonderful hobby you've chosen as an expressive tension release, and stay close to Jesus Christ. I feel in the not too distant future we will be given a choice to either follow Him with all our hearts, no compromising, or lose all we have in this life, even our own lives. Love you, brother.

Thank you brother.
 
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Now I found that the real problem is suppressing brother. This is where I have done the most damage in my life with my bad life.
This has been amazingly common in my life too, and most people I know by 'acquaintance' [churches, neighbors, and family] also.

Only when there is one or more persons to share my life with , in Y'SHUA MESSIAH,
has there been
the relief Y'SHUA provides for us. ('alone' doesn't work nearly as well as 2 or 3 gathered together in HIS NAME; except as Y'SHUA directed for private prayer alone with YHWH).
Yet it is so difficult , so rare, to find 2 or 3 in Y'SHUA who are willing to spend the time in prayer , bible reading, and fellowship ,
to see the healing that 'automatically' with much groaning and tears and REJOICING/ JOYOUSNESS is worked out by Y'SHUA in my/our lives....
never giving up.
ALWAYS HOPING in Y'SHUA in YHWH'S GRACE and HIS ABUNDANT, GENEROUS, UNMEASURED SUPPLY.
 
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This has been amazingly common in my life too, and most people I know by 'acquaintance' [churches, neighbors, and family] also.

Only when there is one or more persons to share my life with , in Y'SHUA MESSIAH,
has there been
the relief Y'SHUA provides for us. ('alone' doesn't work nearly as well as 2 or 3 gathered together in HIS NAME; except as Y'SHUA directed for private prayer alone with YHWH).
Yet it is so difficult , so rare, to find 2 or 3 in Y'SHUA who are willing to spend the time in prayer , bible reading, and fellowship ,
to see the healing that 'automatically' with much groaning and tears and REJOICING/ JOYOUSNESS is worked out by Y'SHUA in my/our lives....
never giving up.
ALWAYS HOPING in Y'SHUA in YHWH'S GRACE and HIS ABUNDANT, GENEROUS, UNMEASURED SUPPLY.
My experience is that its better not to share your secret pain because people judge you. Its sad really. Extremist, denominational, religious fanatical, elitists often look for things to accuse you of if you don't belong to their group. Sigh, its so not edifying.
 
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yeshuaslavejeff

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My experience is that its better not to share your secret pain because people judge you.
Yes, that is basically always true online.
And also in almost ALL publicly known Churches and any other groups [schools, universities, colleges, civic clubs, chess clubs, tennis clubs, government, social, educational, economic, business, military, etc etc ...]
There are only a few people in life, for most people,
who can find others to share life with IN Y'SHUA. (as it is written in HIS WORD)
They don't advertise; they're NOT on the internet, and usually NOT in chruch or any other so-called christian place.
If and when they have advertised in the past, they are almost always accosted, threatened, attacked, and shut down/ dispersed with or without violence.
 
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W2L

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Yes, that is basically always true online.
And also in almost ALL publicly known Churches and any other groups [schools, universities, colleges, civic clubs, chess clubs, tennis clubs, government, social, educational, economic, business, military, etc etc ...]
There are only a few people in life, for most people,
who can find others to share life with IN Y'SHUA. (as it is written in HIS WORD)
They don't advertise; they're NOT on the internet, and usually NOT in chruch or any other so-called christian place.
If and when they have advertised in the past, they are almost always accosted, threatened, attacked, and shut down/ dispersed with or without violence.
Yup. The ones we seek, if I understand you correctly, are those whos sin and or circumstances have truly humbled them. They don't judge but instead try to edify.
 
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yeshuaslavejeff

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Yup. The ones we seek, if I understand you correctly, are those whos sin and or circumstances have truly humbled them. They don't judge but instead try to edify.
Basically yes. (on the narrow road; rare fellowship in Y'SHUA; ALIVE with HIM).
As in ACTS, EPHESIANS, PHILIPPIANS, REVELATION, MALACHI, et al SCRIPTURE.
We [ecclesia according to SCRIPTURE] bring healing to others (spiritual AND physical), comfort the downtrodden, hurt no one,
give what we have to them when they need it without any hesitation at all
- already having given up private ownership of material things
AND our own 'rights' we lay aside, even our own lives we lay down,
as Y'SHUA MESSIAH did, as YHWH'S WORD says to.
HE IS our supply. HE IS our provider for everything (as HIS WORD says HE PROVIDED extravagantly generously for us BEFORE creating the world - HE planned it all, and provided over and above what is needed for life here on earth, and in the life to come).
 
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I called in an order for a refill on Ambien so I hope they did that.

Went to Bozeman yesterday. And for a hike. It was so beautiful but cold.
I had a regular customer, an asphalt co. in Polson, about 55 mi. north of Missoula up Hwy. 93. I saw some beautiful parts of MT since I always came from the east from WY up I-90, and yes, it can get cold.
 
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This describes me well. I have, or have had, everything you described above.

Perhaps you will benefit from staphysagria like I did. This is a homeopathic remedy that helps people deal with trauma. The sad truth is that most PTSD symptoms stay throughout our lives the way to deal with them is to let Jesus turn the bad to right after which in stead of bringing you exclusively bad life it will begin to bring you good life. Vitamin B3 (niacin) B5 and B complex or executive may also assist for mental health and energy.

Have a read of this

http://www.nmrc.ca/advanced-niacin-therapy-for-severe-stress-ptsd/
 
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Jeshu

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My experience is that its better not to share your secret pain because people judge you. Its sad really. Extremist, denominational, religious fanatical, elitists often look for things to accuse you of if you don't belong to their group. Sigh, its so not edifying.

The kingdom of God is not about heeding fear and staying in the dark though brother, this is why satan has made it so unsafe in so many of God's Churches. Judgmental attitude breeds hiding, fear, suppression, deceit, and hypocrisy in the very people who need love, forgiveness and other real life support and acceptance.

Just look into your bad life brother and see how much concealment and fear is hiding in all of that. This is because the darkness hurting you there doesn't want you to come into the light. However scorning the shame and dressing in humble array will overcome such darkness in the end, as you can see Jesus do on the cross, so He will do it in your life. Be of good courage brother.

Fearing judgmental tongue in the ultimate analyses means you have not been set free in those parts of your life yet, or at least it has been very much like that for me. The more I put the darkness into His light the more its power over me crumbled within me and the freer I'm able to talk about all the horror wron took me through, which then has the ability to help others suffering from the same problem.

Once the wrong is absolved by Christ's blood it looses its scorpion sting, honestly true brother. So maybe finding a loving understanding Christian councilor can help you overcome this horrible barrier.

This is why I reckon this depression forum has been good for me - for I have been able to have loving communion with brothers and sisters in Christ who understand hardship without judging that, unlike I have been able to do in my Church. Hopefully soon I will be able to go back there and put a little yeast in dough there as well. When my rage is overcome I should be able to do that, and there is very little left of that horrific energy that's for sure now that Christ has taught me to love rightly and justly and understand how to let Christ sanctify me when I fall.

Peace
 
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Perhaps you will benefit from staphysagria like I did. This is a homeopathic remedy that helps people deal with trauma. The sad truth is that most PTSD symptoms stay throughout our lives the way to deal with them is to let Jesus turn the bad to right after which in stead of bringing you exclusively bad life it will begin to bring you good life. Vitamin B3 (niacin) B5 and B complex or executive may also assist for mental health and energy.

Have a read of this

http://www.nmrc.ca/advanced-niacin-therapy-for-severe-stress-ptsd/
I'll keep it in my mind, thank you.
 
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