Not being honest with myself

[SPB1987]

It has been a couple of weeks since I lasted posted here. As many of you know I am attending a Church of Christ with my wife but I am struggling with belief. I was baptized over a year a go and am questioning whether I should have even been baptized in the first place. The title of my thread may seem confusing but let me go ahead and clarify what it means.

I was talking to my wife the other night about why I am struggling to believe or have faith. We discussed a few key points and it has led me to believe that I am not being completely honest with myself. She told me that she thinks I am likely making up excuses to not believe because I have a problem committing to something. I feel that she may be right. I have a tendency to backtrack on things and in general a tendency to not commit to things that do not involve my wife and our 2 kids. I have certainly gotten better over the years but I am always concerned that I am making a mistake.

In light of all of this, I am going to make an attempt to attend church regularly with her and hopefully we can start reading the bible together. I know she would like me to be the one that leads the family to church and takes on that biblical role and I understand why. I have been struggling with this for quite some time and I even at times feel like I know what I am supposed to be doing(maybe God is putting this on me and pulling me in?) but am having a hard time committing to it and understanding how to do it.

 

[Hakan101]

It has been a couple of weeks since I lasted posted here. As many of you know I am attending a Church of Christ with my wife but I am struggling with belief. I was baptized over a year a go and am questioning whether I should have even been baptized in the first place. The title of my thread may seem confusing but let me go ahead and clarify what it means.

I was talking to my wife the other night about why I am struggling to believe or have faith. We discussed a few key points and it has led me to believe that I am not being completely honest with myself. She told me that she thinks I am likely making up excuses to not believe because I have a problem committing to something. I feel that she may be right. I have a tendency to backtrack on things and in general a tendency to not commit to things that do not involve my wife and our 2 kids. I have certainly gotten better over the years but I am always concerned that I am making a mistake.

In light of all of this, I am going to make an attempt to attend church regularly with her and hopefully we can start reading the bible together. I know she would like me to be the one that leads the family to church and takes on that biblical role and I understand why. I have been struggling with this for quite some time and I even at times feel like I know what I am supposed to be doing(maybe God is putting this on me and pulling me in?) but am having a hard time committing to it and understanding how to do it.

Wow! You're 24 and are already married with two kids? Impressive!

It sounds like you are off to a good start. Keep in mind that your faith in God does involve your family as well, as you said it is the father's role to lead the household in faith. So it's definitely worth committing to.

I know it can be hard to understand it all, just take it day by day and keep praying to God. He will make you the strong man your family needs.

 

[SPB1987]

Wow! You're 24 and are already married with two kids? Impressive!

It sounds like you are off to a good start. Keep in mind that your faith in God does involve your family as well, as you said it is the father's role to lead the household in faith. So it's definitely worth committing to.

I know it can be hard to understand it all, just take it day by day and keep praying to God. He will make you the strong man your family needs.

Thanks for your reply. We are not planning on having anymore kids. Part of my problem is the amount of stress I am under. I am in school fool time(Bachelors degree om November 2012!) and I work 6 days a week at a job I really hate. There I go making excuses again, lol! Well you get the idea though. I love being a husband and a father!

 

[Hakan101]

Thanks for your reply. We are not planning on having anymore kids. Part of my problem is the amount of stress I am under. I am in school fool time(Bachelors degree om November 2012!) and I work 6 days a week at a job I really hate. There I go making excuses again, lol! Well you get the idea though. I love being a husband and a father!

Lol no I hear ya! Sounds like your plate is stacked pretty high! Well it's a good thing you only have a year left for the degree. I'm feeling stressed enough from school and I don't have a wife or kids . Stay strong in the Lord my friend!

 

[drich0150]

It has been a couple of weeks since I lasted posted here. As many of you know I am attending a Church of Christ with my wife but I am struggling with belief. I was baptized over a year a go and am questioning whether I should have even been baptized in the first place. The title of my thread may seem confusing but let me go ahead and clarify what it means.

I was talking to my wife the other night about why I am struggling to believe or have faith. We discussed a few key points and it has led me to believe that I am not being completely honest with myself. She told me that she thinks I am likely making up excuses to not believe because I have a problem committing to something. I feel that she may be right. I have a tendency to backtrack on things and in general a tendency to not commit to things that do not involve my wife and our 2 kids. I have certainly gotten better over the years but I am always concerned that I am making a mistake.

In light of all of this, I am going to make an attempt to attend church regularly with her and hopefully we can start reading the bible together. I know she would like me to be the one that leads the family to church and takes on that biblical role and I understand why. I have been struggling with this for quite some time and I even at times feel like I know what I am supposed to be doing(maybe God is putting this on me and pulling me in?) but am having a hard time committing to it and understanding how to do it.

How to do what? Become motivated or need God?

 

[SPB1987]

How to do what? Become motivated or need God?

Basically, how to be a Christian. I understand how to become one but the living your life as a Christian should is the difficult part. I also just generally have a hard time truly believing deep down. I am a very skeptical person and have a difficult time having faith in something that I can not see, hear, feel or touch. This is a major barrier for me and I am unsure how to work through it. I have never been particularly religious and throughout my upbringing, church was rarely a focal point in my life. My family would go through phases where we went to church frequently and then we would seldom go for years at a time.

 

[drich0150]

Basically, how to be a Christian.

I've been a member of the CoC for sometime as well and may I note that once one comes to Christ outside of some strict legalism the Church of Christ does not offer much in the way of help the believer to establish a relationship with God. It's kinda up to you to stumble into Him or to actively seek him out.

I understand how to become one but the living your life as a Christian should is the difficult part. I also just generally have a hard time truly believing deep down. I am a very skeptical person and have a difficult time having faith in something that I can not see, hear, feel or touch. This is a major barrier for me and I am unsure how to work through it.

This was to me as well till I stumbled across the teachings of in Luke 11starting at verse 5.

5 Then He said to them, “[d]Suppose one of you has a friend, and goes to him at midnight and says to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves; 6 for a friend of mine has come to me from a journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; 7 and from inside he answers and says, ‘Do not bother me; the door has already been shut and my children [e]and I are in bed; I cannot get up and give you anything.’ 8 I tell you, even though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet (D)because of his [f]persistence he will get up and give him as much as he needs. 9 “So I say to you, [g](E)ask, and it will be given to you; [h]seek, and you will find; [i]knock, and it will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks, receives; and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it will be opened. 11 Now [j]suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a [k]fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he? 12 Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he? 13 (F)If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your [l]heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?”

Christ tells us how to obtain a measure of the Holy Spirit. Not necessarily the shake on the ground and speak in a different language Spirit but the Holy Spirit that offers Gifts as in 1Cor 12 and chapter 14, and Spiritual Fruit as offered in Gal 5:22 But (AQ)the fruit of the Spirit is (AR)love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, (AS)self-control; against such things (AT)there is no law. 24 Now those who [k]belong to (AU)Christ Jesus have (AV)crucified the flesh with its passions and (AW)desires.

In these "fruit" you will have the proof and understanding you seek.

So how do we Ask, Seek and Knock? We ask in earnest prayer, we seek with all of the fervency our Heart, Mind, Spirit and strength will allow, in the bible Church and places like this, we knock by repeating this process till we get what we want.

I have never been particularly religious and throughout my upbringing, church was rarely a focal point in my life. My family would go through phases where we went to church frequently and then we would seldom go for years at a time.

Religion for the sake of religion is never a good thing. So you have that going for you. So Go to church with the express purpose of Finding God. Turn the corners in your building expecting to find Him, and He promises one day you will.

 

[Faulty]

Basically, how to be a Christian. I understand how to become one but the living your life as a Christian should is the difficult part. I also just generally have a hard time truly believing deep down. I am a very skeptical person and have a difficult time having faith in something that I can not see, hear, feel or touch. This is a major barrier for me and I am unsure how to work through it.

Drich gave you a very good passage of scripture for this concern.

When you're sitting on the couch and your kids come to you for a drink or some food, they aren't seeing you making food or mixing Kool-Aid, they aren't seeing it, hearing it, touching it, but they trust that you will get up off the couch, go into the kitchen and make something for them. They trust you that their drink will not be poison, or their food will not be hiding tiny shards of glass. In fact, they don't even consider such things. Rather, they trust their father without question, to do what is right and have no other expectation.

Simple child-like faith. If they can trust you without seeing, hearing, feeling, and questioning everything you do out of distrust towards you, why must it be so difficult for us to do so concerning the things of our Father?

 

[bling]

It has been a couple of weeks since I lasted posted here. As many of you know I am attending a Church of Christ with my wife but I am struggling with belief. I was baptized over a year a go and am questioning whether I should have even been baptized in the first place. The title of my thread may seem confusing but let me go ahead and clarify what it means.

I was talking to my wife the other night about why I am struggling to believe or have faith. We discussed a few key points and it has led me to believe that I am not being completely honest with myself. She told me that she thinks I am likely making up excuses to not believe because I have a problem committing to something. I feel that she may be right. I have a tendency to backtrack on things and in general a tendency to not commit to things that do not involve my wife and our 2 kids. I have certainly gotten better over the years but I am always concerned that I am making a mistake.

In light of all of this, I am going to make an attempt to attend church regularly with her and hopefully we can start reading the bible together. I know she would like me to be the one that leads the family to church and takes on that biblical role and I understand why. I have been struggling with this for quite some time and I even at times feel like I know what I am supposed to be doing(maybe God is putting this on me and pulling me in?) but am having a hard time committing to it and understanding how to do it.

Wow! That is called “the kick the tire syndrome”. As soon as anyone makes a commitment to something big, they want to back away (car salesman see this all the time). You are acting very normal in this matter. The need is for more information to support your decision (you made the right decision at the time, but your free will was not immediately taken away, so you continue to commit (this is called grow). Mental growth is not one straight line and spiritual growth is not one strait line up.

You are not called to preach a sermon or teach a class, but start small with the faith you and Love you do have and let it grow. How about washing the dishes for your wife even when there is a game on? (This is what I mean and you might be doing it, but start doing it not just because you feel you should, but do it because of what God has done for you.)

 

[LBP]

Having been in your shoes - at about your age, I was active in the ultra-conservative Campus Crusade for Christ but constantly wondering "Do all these people around me REALLY believe this stuff - REALLY, deep down?" - I would simply say that no amount of church-going, Bible-reading or sincere effort on your part will ever make you believe - really believe, deep down - that which you are simply incapable of believing. So I wouldn't fight it or let it drag me down. I firmly believe that everyone from the Pope and Billy Graham on down has some little corner of their inner being where they still wonder, "Is all of this a complete delusion? Am I just kidding myself?" Be honest with yourself about what you can believe, even if it's just the bare possibility that God may exist and that Christianity may have some reality to it, and move forward from there. I think you will find over a period of time that the activity of the Holy Spirit in your life will seem increasingly real and that you will look back and see changes that you weren't even aware of as they were occurring. You may never come to accept the whole ball of wax or feel entirely comfortable in any church that insists its members at least pretend to believe every point in its Statement of Faith, but you can still be a good Christian who feels the power of God in his life.

 

[Emmy]

Dear SPB1987. God gave us 10 Commandments, and Jesus gave us 2 Commandments: 1) Love God with all our hearts, with all our souls, and with all our minds. 2) Love our neighbour as ourselves. What does that entail? " Treat all you know and all you meet, as you would love to be treated." Jesus makes it easy to understand and straightforward. God is Love, and God wants loving children/sons and daughters. We are on Earth to learn to love and to care, to give up our selfish desires, and become loving sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. Jesus will give us His Love and Joy, and the Holy Spirit will give us His Love, also. Jesus told us to " ask and ye will receive," then we thank God and share all Love and Joy with all around us. God will see our sincere efforts to love and care, and God will bless us, And God will know: We love Him because we are following His Commandments to love: God as He deserves to be loved, ( He made us in His image and is our Heavenly Father) and love all others, as we love ouselves. We might stumble or fail, but we ask God to forgive us, as we will forgive others, and carry on loving and caring. We are the only ones in this Universe to represent our God, our loving and caring God, so let us show the world how much we love God, and let the world notice how much God loves us. People will notice and treat us the same, and Love will grow and grow. Love is very catching and Love is our strong weapon: Love will overcome all, and love will change all to the better. Jesus`s 2 Commandmands say all what God tells us in His 10 Commandments. All we say or do, let us become the children our Heavenly Father wants, make Love our be All, and become All. I say this with love, SPB. Greetings from Emmy, your sister in Christ.

 

[aiki]

Basically, how to be a Christian. I understand how to become one but the living your life as a Christian should is the difficult part.

The root of your relationship with God ought to be love:

Joshua 23:11
11 Therefore take careful heed to yourselves, that you love the Lord your God.

Ephesians 3:17-19
17 that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love,
18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height--
19 to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Everything you do as a Christian ought to be predicated upon your love for God. As the apostle Paul indicates in the verse above, being "rooted and grounded in love" for God and Christ is the only way to be "filled with all the fullness of God." If you operate as a Christian from a sense of duty and obligation toward God, or from a cold adherence to religion, you will soon begin to feel like a prisoner who obeys because he must, not because He wants to. This kind of dynamic for spiritual living quickly becomes onerous and if it is not abandoned, will lead inevitably to sin. God wants from us the obedience of loving children, not the begrudging obedience of slaves.

When love for God fuels your walk with Him, it will be a joy to pray, and study God's Word, and live obediently to His commands. If you don't have a love for God you must ask Him for it; you will not find within yourself the kind of love God desires. He must instill in you His love which you reflect back to Him. Our love, you see, is naturally corrupt and self-seeking; it is weak, and impure - a thin shadow of God's love. Only God's holy, sacrificial, never-failing love will do.

Romans 5:5-8
5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
6 For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
7 For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die.
8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

I also just generally have a hard time truly believing deep down. I am a very skeptical person and have a difficult time having faith in something that I can not see, hear, feel or touch. This is a major barrier for me and I am unsure how to work through it.

I suspect that you are like everyone else and believe in a great many things you cannot see, hear, feel or taste. Do you believe in integrity? How about joy? Do you believe bravery exists? What about contentment? Or gravity? None of these things can be put in a test tube, or boxed up and sold, or examined under a microscope. We observe the effects of these things in the behaviour of others (someone saving a child from drowning, or an apple falling to the ground, or a happy smile) and in our world, but no one has ever chewed on integrity itself, or smelled gravity, or dipped their hand in a tub of contentment, or discovered the weight of bravery. In the same way, you cannot put God in a test tube, or observe Him directly in a telescope, but you can see His effect upon the universe.

I have never been particularly religious and throughout my upbringing, church was rarely a focal point in my life. My family would go through phases where we went to church frequently and then we would seldom go for years at a time.

This is what happens when a relationship with God is reduced to a religious form, when love for Him is replaced with mere piety and moral duty.

Selah.

 

[golgotha61]

It has been a couple of weeks since I lasted posted here. As many of you know I am attending a Church of Christ with my wife but I am struggling with belief. I was baptized over a year a go and am questioning whether I should have even been baptized in the first place. The title of my thread may seem confusing but let me go ahead and clarify what it means.

I was talking to my wife the other night about why I am struggling to believe or have faith. We discussed a few key points and it has led me to believe that I am not being completely honest with myself. She told me that she thinks I am likely making up excuses to not believe because I have a problem committing to something. I feel that she may be right. I have a tendency to backtrack on things and in general a tendency to not commit to things that do not involve my wife and our 2 kids. I have certainly gotten better over the years but I am always concerned that I am making a mistake.

In light of all of this, I am going to make an attempt to attend church regularly with her and hopefully we can start reading the bible together. I know she would like me to be the one that leads the family to church and takes on that biblical role and I understand why. I have been struggling with this for quite some time and I even at times feel like I know what I am supposed to be doing(maybe God is putting this on me and pulling me in?) but am having a hard time committing to it and understanding how to do it.

You remind me of the man in the Gospel of Mark who's son was possessed by an unclean spirit that caused him to be mute and deaf as well as caused seizures. He sought a healing for his son from Christ. The father had heard of Christ and may have seen first hand His works and power over disease and demons. He expressed what most of us felt when we first proclaimed faith in Christ:

Mark 9:23-24 (NKJV)
23 Jesus said to him, "If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes."
24 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!"



For a long time, I couldn't understand how one could believe and yet not. Then I did a word study and this is what I found. In verse 24, the word believe is translated: to have faith (in, upon, or with respect to, a person or thing), i.e. credit; by implication to entrust (especially one's spiritual well-being to Christ) :- believe (-r), commit (to trust), put in trust with.Strong's Talking Greek & Hebrew Dictionary. Out of the 248 times the word is used in the NT, it is translated believe 239 times.



The word unbelief is translated: faithlessness, i.e. (negative) disbelief (want of Christian faith), or (positive) unfaithfulness (disobedience) :- unbelief.Strong's Talking Greek & Hebrew Dictionary. The 12 times this word is used in the NT, it is translated unbelief 12 times.


It appears that the man trusted Christ and had faith in what He could do but his unbelief looks as though he perhaps is concerned with his disobedience of unfaithfulness. If you read the book of Mark and the context of where this encounter takes place, you will see that Christ had already given several messages on Christian living and this man could have heard these messages or at the very least, someone had told him of what Christ taught. It looks as though the man knows Christ can do this miracle but feels unworthy personally to receive such a gift.

Your self examination is anything but dishonest. I think perhaps you are too hard on yourself. You cannot turn toward God unless He first turns you John 16:8. I believe we come to Christ because He has first called us and if this is true and God never fails to finish what He starts, it is a settled deal.

I say it is a settled deal because of an article I read by Niehaus that describes God enjoying our presence with Him in eternity right now. This is possible because of God's eternality; all time is as the present to God since He is eternal and always was and always will be.

I hope this helps. God bless and relax; let God work in you.

 

[razeontherock]

It has been a couple of weeks since I lasted posted here. As many of you know I am attending a Church of Christ with my wife but I am struggling with belief. I was baptized over a year a go and am questioning whether I should have even been baptized in the first place. The title of my thread may seem confusing but let me go ahead and clarify what it means.

I was talking to my wife the other night about why I am struggling to believe or have faith. We discussed a few key points and it has led me to believe that I am not being completely honest with myself. She told me that she thinks I am likely making up excuses to not believe because I have a problem committing to something. I feel that she may be right. I have a tendency to backtrack on things and in general a tendency to not commit to things that do not involve my wife and our 2 kids. I have certainly gotten better over the years but I am always concerned that I am making a mistake.

In light of all of this, I am going to make an attempt to attend church regularly with her and hopefully we can start reading the bible together. I know she would like me to be the one that leads the family to church and takes on that biblical role and I understand why. I have been struggling with this for quite some time and I even at times feel like I know what I am supposed to be doing(maybe God is putting this on me and pulling me in?) but am having a hard time committing to it and understanding how to do it.

Thi is what we call "growth." Welcome to the family of God!

 

[razeontherock]

Basically, how to be a Christian. I understand how to become one but the living your life as a Christian should is the difficult part. I also just generally have a hard time truly believing deep down. I am a very skeptical person and have a difficult time having faith in something that I can not see, hear, feel or touch. This is a major barrier for me and I am unsure how to work through it. I have never been particularly religious and throughout my upbringing, church was rarely a focal point in my life. My family would go through phases where we went to church frequently and then we would seldom go for years at a time.

The big thing that will help you here is your (earthly) family. You will come across plenty of times when you need God! One foot in front of the other; in the meantime here is the word God gives you re: your wife - "cleave:"

1) to cling, stick, stay close, cleave, keep close, stick to, stick with, follow closely, join to, overtake, catch
a) (Qal)
1) to cling, cleave to
2) to stay with
b) (Pual) to be joined together
c) (Hiphil)
1) to cause to cleave to
2) to pursue closely
3) to overtake

 

[SPB1987]

The root of your relationship with God ought to be love:

Joshua 23:11
11 Therefore take careful heed to yourselves, that you love the Lord your God.

Ephesians 3:17-19
17 that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love,
18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height--
19 to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Everything you do as a Christian ought to be predicated upon your love for God. As the apostle Paul indicates in the verse above, being "rooted and grounded in love" for God and Christ is the only way to be "filled with all the fullness of God." If you operate as a Christian from a sense of duty and obligation toward God, or from a cold adherence to religion, you will soon begin to feel like a prisoner who obeys because he must, not because He wants to. This kind of dynamic for spiritual living quickly becomes onerous and if it is not abandoned, will lead inevitably to sin. God wants from us the obedience of loving children, not the begrudging obedience of slaves.

When love for God fuels your walk with Him, it will be a joy to pray, and study God's Word, and live obediently to His commands. If you don't have a love for God you must ask Him for it; you will not find within yourself the kind of love God desires. He must instill in you His love which you reflect back to Him. Our love, you see, is naturally corrupt and self-seeking; it is weak, and impure - a thin shadow of God's love. Only God's holy, sacrificial, never-failing love will do.

Romans 5:5-8
5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
6 For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
7 For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die.
8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

I suspect that you are like everyone else and believe in a great many things you cannot see, hear, feel or taste. Do you believe in integrity? How about joy? Do you believe bravery exists? What about contentment? Or gravity? None of these things can be put in a test tube, or boxed up and sold, or examined under a microscope. We observe the effects of these things in the behaviour of others (someone saving a child from drowning, or an apple falling to the ground, or a happy smile) and in our world, but no one has ever chewed on integrity itself, or smelled gravity, or dipped their hand in a tub of contentment, or discovered the weight of bravery. In the same way, you cannot put God in a test tube, or observe Him directly in a telescope, but you can see His effect upon the universe.

This is what happens when a relationship with God is reduced to a religious form, when love for Him is replaced with mere piety and moral duty.

Selah.

Well comparing God to something like bravery, gravity, etc does not work for me. I experience gravity, joy, bravery, etc on a regular basis. I can be sure that I am experiencing these things but I can not be sure that I am or have ever experienced these things. I would love to call myself a Christian, but refrain from doing so anymore because I have such a hard time with faith or believing at all.

 

[razeontherock]

(Revelation 12:11) "And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony"

See that? We know you're a Christian, because your main weapon is being attacked. Stand and fight, your family needs you to.

 

[SPB1987]

(Revelation 12:11) "And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony"

See that? We know you're a Christian, because your main weapon is being attacked. Stand and fight, your family needs you to.

I am afraid that I am confused by your statement. Can you explain this a little more?

 

[razeontherock]

Sure. The word of your testimony is a critical thing, especially at your stage! Your post reveals you are afraid to even say you're a Christian. Compare:

(Romans 10:9) "That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved."

and

"Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. (Matthew 10:33) But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven."

Seems like a big deal, huh? So we know for a fact that you're being attacked by our common enemy, to try to make you feel like you shouldn't confess any such thing. These things don't "just happen." This is Spiritual! There is a lot at stake. You have painted a bullseye on yourself, in the sights of our common enemy.

Please don't feel condemned by anything I'm saying; everything you're going through is normal, and represents growth. But just like any plant, it is most vulnerable when it first sprouts ... you need water, (Word) sunlight, (His Presence via prayer and worship) good soil (living right, per your ability) and He will give the increase. (Growth you can see and feel)

 

[SPB1987]

Sure. The word of your testimony is a critical thing, especially at your stage! Your post reveals you are afraid to even say you're a Christian. Compare:

(Romans 10:9) "That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved."

and

"Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. (Matthew 10:33) But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven."

Seems like a big deal, huh? So we know for a fact that you're being attacked by our common enemy, to try to make you feel like you shouldn't confess any such thing. These things don't "just happen." This is Spiritual! There is a lot at stake. You have painted a bullseye on yourself, in the sights of our common enemy.

Please don't feel condemned by anything I'm saying; everything you're going through is normal, and represents growth. But just like any plant, it is most vulnerable when it first sprouts ... you need water, (Word) sunlight, (His Presence via prayer and worship) good soil (living right, per your ability) and He will give the increase. (Growth you can see and feel)

That makes sense. I honestly have denied being a Christian to many people. There are many that know I go to church but I am just not prepared to discuss my situation with anyone for fear of criticism and being asked questions. I am also generally not a very personable person, I try not to let people get close to me. I do feel in many ways that I am not doing the right things but just am unsure as to how to correct them. There is a verse that I remember someone quoting me on here that deals with finding God and then leaving him. I can not remember the exact verse but it sais something along the lines of anyone who experiences God and then turns away can never be brought back in. I sometimes wonder if I am subject to this.