God's Will and My Failed First Step(s) in the Christian Walk

[Bob8102]

Because I have both Religious OCD and wavering faith at best, I have been seeking salvation by Jesus Christ the Lord for over 14 years and have never been able to hold onto assurance of salvation. My most recent thread was “I cannot bring myself to trust” in “Struggles by Non-Christians.” After an extended discussion with caring Hazelelponi, I came to the understanding I am a Christian. But as usual, doubt again followed and I have gone back to Jesus for salvation numerous times since then. Each time I give my life to Christ, I mean it sincerely. But because my faith wavers on a moment-by-moment basis, one to a few moments after sincerely asking Christ to “Take Me!”, I waver back to living for self on a moment-by-moment basis. It seems I cannot take the first step or steps in the Christian walk because my faith wavers that severely. Not being able to take the first step drives doubt of being really saved in the first place.

I have long had a concern about the line or chasm between God’s will and my will. I was raised in the belief that I should use my brain/mind to figure things out and to decide on courses of action. I once wrote in a post on this forum something to the effect of: “Gospel tracts often say that God has a wonderful plan for your life. But I have a wonderful plan for my life.”

I once explained this concern to a pastor. He asked me what I had for breakfast. Then he asked me about my decision as to which shirt to wear for the day. He asked if I thought I was out of God’s will in making those decisions. I said, no. He went on to indicate that it is up to us to make various decisions, apparently including things like career, where to live and maybe even whom to marry. I have thought about that, but I am not so sure.

I heard a true story about a man whose daughter had done something bad and he sent her up to her room. As dinner time approached, she called down “Can I come down for supper?” He said “Yes.” He said she did not have to keep asking detailed questions during supper. For instance she did not have to ask, “Dad, can I put my next biteful of food on my fork?” “Dad, can I place the next forkful of food in my mouth?” “Dad, can I chew and swallow my mouthful of food?” Etc. He said that if she had asked questions like that, he would have run away from home. This story was part of a teaching on God’s will.

I could see his point except for the fact that it seems like a slippery slope between “Dad, can I come down for dinner?” and “Dad, can I take my next bite of food?” Where do you draw the line? We can use our brains to, say, as a kid, learn ‘don’t put your finger into an electrical socket’ and so it would seem, we could use our brains to figure out our career, where we are going to live, and whom we are going to marry.

My question is, can one be a born-again Christian, be in the will of God, be being led by the Spirit, and still have the latitude to use their brain to decide what to do next? For that matter, to decide what to do in the next sixty seconds?

I would understand that one should aim for being in the will of God. But with my wavering faith, I can try to sincerely ask Jesus that His will be done, not mine, as some pray, but only keep that commitment up sincerely for one to a few moments. Then I waver away and it’s back to living for myself, moment by moment, after that. This propensity drives doubt of salvation.

And yet I really want eternal life. I have repeatedly gone to God about this in intense sincerity.

The problem might be due to a past (present?) cynical approach in which I want the security of being saved yet to continue to live for myself, moment by moment. A person with such a cynical approach may not be savable. This leads to asking Christ to be my Lord and Savior, thinking for a moment that I have been saved, then immediately pulling back to go my own way. One idea is that God might be giving me what I am seeking: salvation in a moment, but, since I pull back, doubting salvation the next. Or he may be looking down at my cynical approach and saying, this guy is not serious. I cannot save him.

I have sought and doubted salvation, in a sense, continually (really, repeatedly) for over 14 years since my mother died. I have been dysfunctional and unable to do anything else, such as work to earn a living. I am liable to run out of resources and not be able to afford to live.

Yesterday is an example. I thought I had really, sincerely, come to Christ and been saved. Turning from seeking salvation to taking care of scheduled, practical matters, I got stymied by the thought that I am really doing my will, not God’s.

Let me give a hypothetical example. Suppose, one is about to take out the garbage. But first, one wants to make sure they belong to Christ and are saved. They sincerely give their life to Christ, then turn to taking out the garbage. As they start to take out the garbage, in their heart they think, “I am doing this for me. I am doing this of, by and for myself. I am doing this of my own will, under my own power, for my own purposes.” Their commitment to Christ is gone now that they have turned to carry out a task. It is like, in my heart, I think that the only practical way to get things done is to do them in, of, by and for myself. The only practical way to live is to live for myself, moment by moment. I can try to live for Christ for a moment, but then it’s back to real life, the next moment.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

But as usual, doubt again followed and I have gone back to Jesus for salvation numerous times since then.

Intrusive thoughts can be debilitating and we all get them to different degrees. What I am certain of is those who suffer from this condition have little control over it. They are not responsible therefore,in your case, continuous doubting will continously be forgiven. Rest in that.

Be Blessed

 

[Bob8102]

Thanks, Maria, for your response. It is encouraging.

Yesterday, with nothing on my schedule but to go to church, I was able to sit back, understand myself to be saved, and decide that, starting today, I would proceed with my schedule and agenda without concerning myself with whether or not I was in God’s will. I was figuring that as God needed to change my plans, He would. My responsibility was going to be to carry forward with my plans and schedule, and let things happen as God sees fit.

That is the commitment that I started out today with. That mode of operation did not last long. I started out the day with some Bible reading, and the reading of the notes in my Dr. David Jeremiah Study Bible. I am in the third chapter of Luke. After I read the chapter the first time through, I read the study notes. It was some things in the study notes that got me thinking. I needed to realize Who Jesus is, and genuinely seek “Your will be done not mine.” As it came time for me to start on my scheduled tasks, I was remembering the verse that says. “whatever you do, do it heartily, as unto the Lord and not as unto men.” This is not natural for me. I tend to go by, “whatever I do, do it heartily, for MYSELF, first, for others, second.” ‘For God’ may or may not even make the list. Part of my thoughts this morning was to think about the time when the Samaritan woman that Jesus met at the well, went into the town and told people about Jesus. They came out to hear Him. Then they said to the woman something to the effect of, ‘Now we believe, not because of what you said, for we have heard Him ourselves and have come to realize that this is indeed the savior of the world.’ I tried concentrating on that and concentrating on Him. At least briefly or sporadically. But then my mind would switch into regular gear and I would probably switch back to living for myself, moment by moment.

I started telling Jesus that I needed to KNOW I was in His kingdom, safe in His arms forever, no mater what. I told Him that I know there are bad reasons for wanting assurance of salvation, such as to think one can go on living for themselves, moment by moment, instead of living for Jesus moment by moment, and still understand they are saved and eternally secure. But, I said, there are also VALID reasons for wanting eternal security. I was thinking that if I could just declare myself to be saved, I could proceed with my plans. But what went along with that thought is the thought, “But maybe I am not really saved.”

JD Greaar, who wrote the book, Stop Asking Jesus Into Your Heart: How to know for sure you are saved, said that by the time he was eighteen, he had probably asked Jesus into his heart 5000 times. He said that his first year in college was the worst year of his life. He was earning good grades in a good school, but doubting his salvation, and this doubt was driving him to despair. In his spare time, he did not go out and party with his friends, but stayed chained to his desk, studying the Bible and Bible commentaries. On one or more occasions, I decided to follow his pattern. I said, I will seek to earn good grades in a good school – that is, seek to carry out my natural-realm plans and agenda – but, in my spare time, seek salvation. Once, I tried saying that I will declare myself to be saved, so that I can function in the good school, but in my spare time, just in case I’m not really saved, will continue to seek salvation. The idea was to attempt to live in two “parallel universes,” one in which I was saved, and the other, in which I might not be saved.

Well, I have discovered that I cannot do that. I cannot even try to earn good grades in a good school while doubting my salvation.

So, today, as time to begin my schedule rolled around, and I just could not keep up a permanent perception of being saved, I decided to post this instead of carrying out my “duties.”

Since my mother died in 2011, I have been full time seeking salvation. I have been living on an inheritance, not able to function such as to work a job to earn a living. I am heading for a financial cliff, over which I run out of money and cannot afford to live. I figure I cannot, with my background, get a job that will pay me enough to really live on. I have had a two-pronged plan to avoid going over the financial cliff. One, I have a business idea and two, I have an invention idea. I do not know if the invention is truly workable, but I have strong reason, these days, to think it might be. I am really into the idea of this invention. I think it might work, and that, if so, it could provide me, and possibly others, with sustenance so that we could eat. But I figure that, even if workable, it would be at least a few to several years before it came to fruition. I expect to go over the financial cliff before then. So, I have the business idea and have been hoping that that will provide me with a decent income sooner, in the meantime.

I want to ‘earn good grades in a good school.’ That is, I would like for my agenda to be carried out. But experience is showing me that I cannot function while doubting my salvation. And I am always going to doubt my salvation while defaulting to living for myself, moment by moment, instead of living for Jesus, moment by moment.

I had a conversation one time with a guy whom I refer to as “Josh-in-the-Woods.” He said that, earlier in his life, he would give his life to Christ, then, at the next moment, say to himself, “I am OK with Jesus. Now I’m going to do what I want.” After this got repeated some number of times, he then found himself, eight hours a day, walking through the woods and crying out, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” Eventually, he went to a Christian psychiatrist. The psych said to him, “Do you believe God has bought you here?” He said, yes. He was then diagnosed with OCD and prescribed medication. He said that, eventually, he came out of the woods, got a job, got married and had kids. I have wanted to ask him how he got assurance of salvation, but have not had the chance to do so. One thing I know, is that no amount of medication nor psych counseling will give one assurance of salvation.

I’ve likened myself to Josh-in-the-Woods. I don’t do literally the same thing he did in the woods, but my spiritual and psyche state are like his. One Christian leader once told me, “Non-Christians do not walk through the woods all day, saying, ‘Son of David, have mercy on me!’” Another Christian once told me that what he sees in me is “Work out your salvation with fear and trembling.”

Some people are convinced that I am a Christian. Just not me.