- Jul 27, 2007
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I used to have very distinct bipolar episodes that I could actually sit and chart them. And I'd have a good level period that I could clean up the mess the episode left behind. Now, I fly through them faster than I can bat an eye--least it feels that way. Maybe the ECTs are making things worse. I have them twice a month and everything always hits the fan the few days before my next treatment.
But tonight I can feel the instability of my brain. I can feel reality slipping here and there, and I can't express the fear that brings.
This afternoon my family and I went to visit some friends like we've been doing each Saturday (or sometimes every other Saturday). The adults have watched "Lost" (Season 4 if you've watch) together and the kids play in the friends' daughter's room. This particular episode dealt with "Hugo's forward-flash (as opposed to back-flash) --yes it's a trippy series. Any ways he winds up in a mental institution and it's hard to tell if he's really having hallucinations or if there's a rational explanation.
We finished the dvd a little early so we watched "Know1ing" I hadn't heard of it before so I wasn't all that interested in watching it. But it started out with a school yard full of elementary students. I was hooked. It was one of those that at least made you, at least, look at your beliefs if not question them. One of the students was hearing whispers and was driven to write a whole page full of numbers. Then when the paper was taken away she continued to write them into a wooden door with her fingers until they bled. Everyone just figured she was sick and years later she died of an overdose. According to the movie, though, it turned out she wasn't mentally affected but fore-saw and fore-heard the coming apocalypse.
So here I sit here, contemplating the line of reality and watching those movies just threw rocks in the fan. Sometimes this "line" consists outter threats like bees or wasps which I happen to be phobic of, and other times it involves inner threats like seeing myself driving into opposing traffic (I either panic or feel the urge to follow). My emotions seem to be on the back burner. Or maybe its depression without the extreme sadness that I've had before. But my thoughts aren't slowed like usual either, but running a mile a minute.
Sorry so long-winded, but as for my query... How does this fit in the life of a profess-er of Christ? Can they be a possess-er too? or are they just possessed by the evil one? I hope I don't run over any toes with this train of thought. But I seem to be getting worse not better with treatment and I fear they'll find a way to commit me to an institution permanently. And what does one do with passages like 2 Timothy 1:7 that says God has given us a sound mind. All this doesn't sound like a "sound mind" to me. I wish I could just stop thinking. I just want it all to stop.
But tonight I can feel the instability of my brain. I can feel reality slipping here and there, and I can't express the fear that brings.
This afternoon my family and I went to visit some friends like we've been doing each Saturday (or sometimes every other Saturday). The adults have watched "Lost" (Season 4 if you've watch) together and the kids play in the friends' daughter's room. This particular episode dealt with "Hugo's forward-flash (as opposed to back-flash) --yes it's a trippy series. Any ways he winds up in a mental institution and it's hard to tell if he's really having hallucinations or if there's a rational explanation.
We finished the dvd a little early so we watched "Know1ing" I hadn't heard of it before so I wasn't all that interested in watching it. But it started out with a school yard full of elementary students. I was hooked. It was one of those that at least made you, at least, look at your beliefs if not question them. One of the students was hearing whispers and was driven to write a whole page full of numbers. Then when the paper was taken away she continued to write them into a wooden door with her fingers until they bled. Everyone just figured she was sick and years later she died of an overdose. According to the movie, though, it turned out she wasn't mentally affected but fore-saw and fore-heard the coming apocalypse.
So here I sit here, contemplating the line of reality and watching those movies just threw rocks in the fan. Sometimes this "line" consists outter threats like bees or wasps which I happen to be phobic of, and other times it involves inner threats like seeing myself driving into opposing traffic (I either panic or feel the urge to follow). My emotions seem to be on the back burner. Or maybe its depression without the extreme sadness that I've had before. But my thoughts aren't slowed like usual either, but running a mile a minute.
Sorry so long-winded, but as for my query... How does this fit in the life of a profess-er of Christ? Can they be a possess-er too? or are they just possessed by the evil one? I hope I don't run over any toes with this train of thought. But I seem to be getting worse not better with treatment and I fear they'll find a way to commit me to an institution permanently. And what does one do with passages like 2 Timothy 1:7 that says God has given us a sound mind. All this doesn't sound like a "sound mind" to me. I wish I could just stop thinking. I just want it all to stop.