im struggling with suicidal thoughts

[CFFosterAngel51]

it is all in repetition. these things, being told i can't be a christian if i am depressed.
I don't know who told you this, but they obviously don't read the same Bible that I and many others read. The psalms alone are filled with countless times where David is depressed. You can feel his depression, you can feel the dispair as he cries out to God for mercy. And he was a man after God's own heart!

being told if i choose to help another by forcing myself to switch the one i pursue (because the one i was pursuing was feeling trapped and sick and i was feeling bad too) and pretending somebody else can accept me even if they show no proof, that it means i am a liar.
Sometimes when we are pursueing people, with our own hurts or needs, we are desperate and push too much. Sometimes when we are pursueing, the other person is dealing with their own hurts or needs and our interest is frightening for them.. and it has nothing to do with us, but with their past experiences.

and the Lord who a voice keeps saying he cares seems to just sit and watch. now i feel he is saying im not listening to him, but i can't hear him so how can i listen? im confused what voices are coming from God right now.

When we become distressed, it is difficult to hear the still small voice that calls to us. Not because we're not listening, but because of all the chaos we feel inside. I know God cares for you - He chose you as His child, or you wouldn't be seeking to hear His voice. He knows you can't hear Him right now... and He will persist to call to you.

Sometimes I think we are so distraught, He just sits there with us until we are ready to respond to Him.

Think about it... in person, if we are feeling bad or angry or upset, how accurately do we hear the person right in front of us, the one that we can see their face, hear their voice and read their lips? Many times when we're in distress, we don't even hear the person in front of us with their intent or what they really said. So when God speaks to us in a time of our distress, it may take us time to hear Him. It doesn't mean we're good or bad... it just means we're having a tough time. But He will be faithful to stay with us... He won't let us go... we let go.

Hold on. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I agree with the other recommendations to seek someone, a professional, to talk with about how you're feeling. Seek out ways to help yourself through this time... it's a hard road, but it's doable. And God is merciful to help us through it... sometimes even when we don't want it.

I know... I've been there too.

In Him, Kristen

 

[JoshuaM]

i am having a tough time

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

I'm here now if you want to talk some more hon.

 

[JoshuaM]

well i said i would talk more in the morning. im barely awake though.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

that's cool, give it time, and only if you need to.
have production meeting to attend, back in 30 minutes or so.

 

[BlessEwe]

In 1976 my mother was murdered or committed suicide. My oldest sister tried many times to kill herself, and when she got a terminal illness while she was dieing, all she wanted to do was live.
My sister loved Jesus, yet she went through so much with depression, in and out of hospitals.

I feel so many in the church didn't understand her and hurt her more than help.

Why, because so many have never lived it and said/did the wrong things.

I know Jesus is right there with you, and has felt your pain of being called a liar.

I ran from pain most of my life, and I am now at 50 in recovery.

I finally after all of these years have found peace. Not that things are perfect, But it is How I respond to things!

Do you have control of what others say or do?
No....
You are not a liar so you can not carry that, and let it go to God.

Talking to others such as the crisis hot line helps to hear your own voice allowing your brain and heart to work things out.

Writing like you are on this forum is also a good thing, also writing a letter to God like David did is so healing. Keep that letter and I promise you, in a few weeks or even sooner you will see Gods Hand gently
moving and guiding you even though you don't feel it now.

The most important thing right now is don't act on your emotions. Get on your knees and pray, if you can't pray just ask the Holy Spirit to pray for you.
God is not a roller coaster of emotions like we are, He is never changing this is why we call Him our foundation, our solid rock. Even in the strongest storm Jesus slept and rested, so can we.

Know that He is God, and is holding you like
CFFosterAngel51 said.
when the enemy tries to lie to you, know that it is a lie.

you have so many here who do care about you and truly care, write what you are feeling right now.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

the hard thing, i know, is that the "enemy" doesn't lie outright with a neon sign flashing saying "hi i'm Satan and this is a lie." no, the "enemy" lies by grabbing ahold of some self-righteous, full-of-self, smarmy oozing pseudo-Christian and spews those lies forth in the name of God and sometimes even makes them seem backed up with Scripture. THAT is what is hard. You enter a system that "teaches" you to be humble, to listen to others and learn from them, to "submit" to those in "authority" (older or in a "position") ... and then along come these filth to try to shove poison down your throat.

Joshua, they can shove .... but don't you swallow!! Don't swallow for a moment!! FIGHT their lies, FIGHT them -- FIGHT for the truth of YOUR being as YOU actually are, NOT as they try to make you seem or sound, NOT as they "spin" it. FIGHT!!

 

[JoshuaM]

which lies are you referring to people saying to me?

 

[BlessEwe]

i feel nothing but depression and pain. no matter how hard i try to show i am honest, nobody believes me though i have not been known to be a habitual liar. no matter how hard i try to get a job, i cannot get one, no matter how hard i try to retain most fellowship, the people go away. no matter how much i am crying to God right now, it is hard to tell if he is there. makes me just want to die

I believe this is the one, although it has been mentioned several times in your posts.

 

[Delphin]

I have had the problem of being called a liar, when I was not one. Always have I tried to be as honest and upright as one can be, and yet people have a hard time believing the truth. Their hearts are not right with God, I fear. Is it possible that hearing lies is that much more pleasant? I wonder! The only person you need to please is the one looking back at you in the mirror. The only person that is capable of making you happy is that same person, YOU!

Are you worth it? You are worth it. You are worth every bit of the things you already have, the things you already are, and the things you will be. Your future is worth more than a priceless diamond.

You are in control of finding your own worth. If you are honest, that is priceless. If you are a caring person, that is priceless. If you are a hard worker, that is priceless, etc., etc. Don't let anyone put you down for being honest. Walk away for a short while, if you must, but don't let them do that.

As far as getting a job, there are many people in terrible conditions because they cannot find a job. The economy is terrible right now, and a lot of places just are not hiring. Oh, if they do hire, usually they hire their friends, or family. We need to know someone these days before we get what we need. It's terrible. So you are not the only one without a good job. Keep trying though, because everyone has to have a lot of 'no's' come their way first before a 'yes' comes along. In the meantime, perhaps you can mow someone's lawn who is sick, and water their lawn and garden. Or perhaps you can just visit someone who is lonely and needs a friend. Even a phone call to an old friend may cheer you up.

There are a lot of ways to help others out and in the process make you feel better about yourself.

You are worth the effort of trying to keep your life going ... and only you can do that. Don't rely on others to boost you, or flatter you, or even like you. They won't do it. If they won't do it for you, then they won't do it for me, or anyone.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

which lies are you referring to people saying to me?

All of them, but specifically anything said to you which attempts to define who/what you are when you are NOT that. Such as calling you a liar when you are telling the truth, for starters. It is very dangerous to let others define you. You can lose yourself that way, drown in self-destruction as a result. Been there. FIGHT those lies. DECLARE who/what you really are. REFUSE to swallow the poison they try to shove down your throat. You are NOT what they claim. You are what YOU REALLY ARE -- nothing more, nothing less -- the good points and the flaws, the insights and the blind spots, the virtues and the sins -- and NOT what anyone else wants to label you as or claim you are.

 

[JoshuaM]

its not that i believe what they say. it is that it hurts so much who is saying it and it hurts how much seems going wrong.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

i see. i'm sorry.
i have a hard time separating my issues from other people's. i suppose that is why i am so useless.

 

[JoshuaM]

no you are not useless. depression does that to us. it makes us feel useless and everything intensified, and things are quite confusion. God has been using you to help me in this thread, despite all the demons who keep trying to bring you down. God has a purpose for everyone. Sometimes it is hard for us to see it in our pain.

I did not mention I am having a lot of reoccurring back pain which is extremely painful also. it makes it hard for me to lay down and sleep.

 

[Criada]

Praying for you Josh.
It's hard to see when eveything is so darka nd hopeless seeming, but God is still there, and He still loves you very much.
His plan for you hasn't changed - hold on and you will get through this.
I know that seems like an empty cliche at the moment, but I know it is true.
God bless you brother - you are loved and appreciated, truly!

 

[JoshuaM]

im having these thoughts again. i don't think i will do it, but im very depressed.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

no you are not useless. depression does that to us. it makes us feel useless and everything intensified, and things are quite confusion. God has been using you to help me in this thread, despite all the demons who keep trying to bring you down. God has a purpose for everyone. Sometimes it is hard for us to see it in our pain.

I did not mention I am having a lot of reoccurring back pain which is extremely painful also. it makes it hard for me to lay down and sleep.

thank you for your encouragement Josh! see even despite my demons and your depression we can still encourage one another!! that's worth at least a minute of praise.

God has been showing me more and more that He intends to USE ME IN HIS SERVICE EXACTLY THE WAY I AM -- which i know most ppl would have trouble grasping but I don't cuz when God & me rap it is serious bidness. So, OK, so I am daimonizomai. I am HIS daimonizomai. Right? Or look at it this way: Lucifer/Satan may be "the devil" but it's HIS (God's) devil.

i'm sorry to hear about the back pain. i've dealt with severe back pain issues off & on a lot the past few years and it SUCKS. the pain is excruciating and relentless and you literally cannot concentrate on anything else and you constantly are shifting in your body trying to escape it ... i hope THAT at least gets better for you soon. i have an excellent chiropractor for mine but it still can take 2-3 weeks to get mine back out of pain mode again.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Josh, can you think of anything to praise God for this morning?
Even just one little thing that you are thankful about?
One tiny blessing?

I am thankful for my life. I have the most exciting life in the world!!! it might look kinda boring on the surface to outsiders but all the GOOD bits are on the inside ...even if I'm delusional, God has given me marvellous and wonderful delusions that fascinate, thrill and entertain me to no end! You see? There is ALWAYS something to find to praise God for!! Lift your voice in praise and you might find your spirit lifting with it ... give it a try?

 

[JoshuaM]

i am thankful for some good things which happened prior to now. i do not think you are Satan.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

who said anything about thinking I'm Satan?