im struggling with suicidal thoughts

[EternallyPierced]

Good Morning Joshua

 

[JoshuaM]

as been showing me more and more that He intends to USE ME IN HIS SERVICE EXACTLY THE WAY I AM -- which i know most ppl would have trouble grasping but I don't cuz when God & me rap it is serious bidness. So, OK, so I am daimonizomai. I am HIS daimonizomai. Right? Or look at it this way: Lucifer/Satan may be "the devil" but it's HIS (God's) devil.

i guess im confused by this. you asked me to say what i am thankful for and all i can see im thankful for is a roof, a little money, food, some place to sleep. there are a lot of things, but i feel it will change soon and i will lose everything. i do not know how to deal with this. i used to be a stronger leader. people are saying i cannot be. maybe its true.

 

[JoshuaM]

to me right now it seems like im only remaining on this earth to pay off debts i owe. it seems my life has no other purpose. not to be loved, not to have a stable job, not to be on a mission.. but to pay of my debts and die.

 

[EternallyPierced]

First of all it's not true. That's the devil talking to you filling your head full of lies. You have such great potential, he'll do anything he can to try to stop you.

Charles Spurgeon once said "The greatest hearts cannot be made without the greatest sorrow". God doesn't let you go through things just for the sake of growing through them. He has a purpose and a plan for you. He's refining you in the fire. You may to have to suffer and be put to the test for a while but persevere and you will come out stronger then ever before. I know you can do it

I was really attacked spiritually not to long ago. I felt very depressed and wondered if things were ever going to get any better. I couldn't feel God's present and I was so very confused. I could only hope and trust that someday, I would get back on track again. And then one day, I woke up and things were different. It was like I had woken up out of a bad dream. I was so very happy that I had held on and not given up. It reminds me of the footprints story. Have you ever heard it?

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Josh, that sounds like basic existential angst. We all have that to some degree at various times in our lives. A sense of dearth of meaningfulness. The only way to deal with it that I know of is to deliberately and purposefully create meaning for yourself -- even if it's just temporary. Plus you are lovesick right now, pining for a relationship that has either ended or is in rocky straits, yes? That makes everything turn gray and taste of ash. Do you have 3-d ppl you can interact with, get together and just have a little harmless fun for a spell?

 

[JoshuaM]

i heard of it. i read that poem before. i however have been suffering many years and each year it gets a little worse. since 2005 it speeds up, it deepens, it darkens, it makes me feel distressed. I cannot sleep or eat normal ways, i cannot be happy most of my days. there is nothing good i see coming. The Lord can do stuff, but i do not know what He will do and i would like real encouragement from Him. Instead i am mad at Him. He takes my beloved, He takes my job, He takes my health, and my mind and lets Satan drive me crazy. I feel as if darkness has overtaken me. I continuously dream of demons harassing me, i feel they really are. In dreams i am harassed, i feel i must become a monster to escape the real evil. but even in stronger form in my dreams i want to do good. but you see, this depression and spiritual stuff sinks even to my subconscious mind. i do not feel hope.

 

[JoshuaM]

Josh, that sounds like basic existential angst. We all have that to some degree at various times in our lives. A sense of dearth of meaningfulness. The only way to deal with it that I know of is to deliberately and purposefully create meaning for yourself -- even if it's just temporary. Plus you are lovesick right now, pining for a relationship that has either ended or is in rocky straits, yes? That makes everything turn gray and taste of ash. Do you have 3-d ppl you can interact with, get together and just have a little harmless fun for a spell?

it seems ended. my love, my best friend rather see my sometimes depression and imperfection as a weak pathetic loser. it is like eating ash or dirt. i do not have local friends anymore. the only people to interact with are at school and those are meaningless conversations that do me no good. i have nobody to get together with and have fun. there is nothing fun left for me.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

I VERY MUCH like the way you are being REAL about your feelings, Josh. That's a tremendously good sign of a native strength and health in you. That core seed of health and strength will be your ally in this battle, Friend. DO NOT let anyone "shame" you out of your anger at God right now. God is big enough to handle you being mad at Him.

Have you read the book of Job lately, in a modern translation?
I highly recommend it for this kind of journey.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

it seems ended. my love, my best friend rather see my sometimes depression and imperfection as a weak pathetic loser. it is like eating ash or dirt. i do not have local friends anymore. the only people to interact with are at school and those are meaningless conversations that do me no good. i have nobody to get together with and have fun. there is nothing fun left for me.

i totally hear you about meaningless conversations -- they are like salt in the wound.
no chance you live anywhere near me? we could get together and do something if you do!

 

[JoshuaM]

a little while ago i listened to so poem about Job and i am very familiar with Job and soon will be listening in an audio Bible about Job.

 

[JoshuaM]

i totally hear you about meaningless conversations -- they are like salt in the wound.
no chance you live anywhere near me? we could get together and do something if you do!

i live in Arizona in the USA. i think you live somewhere else. those things, yes they are like salt on my wounds.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

You are fortunate. When my crisis came I could not permit myself to entertain the notion that Job had anything to say to me. I felt so wretched and unclean with my sin and with being pursued and "courted" by demons, that I felt it would be blasphemous to claim the same position before God as Job had. Of course I know better now, but at the time it was a conundrum for me.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Yeah, Arizona is a long haul from the eastern seaboard.
I do wish there was more I could do for you, Friend.

 

[EternallyPierced]

I VERY MUCH like the way you are being REAL about your feelings, Josh. That's a tremendously good sign of a native strength and health in you. That core seed of health and strength will be your ally in this battle, Friend. DO NOT let anyone "shame" you out of your anger at God right now. God is big enough to handle you being mad at Him.

Have you read the book of Job lately, in a modern translation?
I highly recommend it for this kind of journey.

That's funny Moriah, I was just about to say the same thing. Job went through the exact same things that your going through Joshua. All he had was taken from him, his health, his wealth, his family and friends, all that he had, yet he refused to give up. Turns out it was all a big test and he was given more then he had to begin with. I would highly recommend it. It has greatly encouraged me many times.

 

[JoshuaM]

i do not think i am Job's equal. but i do not understand my circumstance. i am going to try and get some sleep again. thanks for chatting.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

IF i can manage to, Joshua i will try to say a prayer for you.
AS you can imagine, praying in any sense now these days grows difficult on me

 

[Criada]

Josh, I'm praying for you, as ever!
Wish you were closer...

Hang in there, brother - the clouds will go eventually.
And you have friends here who care - that is something to thank God for!

 

[JoshuaM]

clouds are here so long it is hard to believe they will go. i will rest another 30 minutes then i will go be depressed at school for almost 3 hours

 

[Criada]

Praying!

 

[madison1101]

Joshua,
Being depressed is not a sin, and not a sign that someone is or is not a Christian. Sometimes, depression is due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, and requires medication to make the chemicals right. Sometimes, we believe distorted ideas about ourselves, or our situations, and that causes us to be depressed. Sometimes, it is both. That is why I recommendd that you get help with your depression, professional help.

If you continue to have suicidal thoughts, get to an emergency room for an evaluation. A professional should help you deal with your depression and work through it, while evaluating you for medication.

I have been there and understand it well. I also work in a psychiatric hospital with people who have attempted suicide. It is an awful thing to deal with. Worse, is for the family members who have to bury a person who has succeeded in killing themselves. My husband had to bury his father when we were first married.

God bless.
Trish