i do not feel close to God, and my best friend always thinks im a liar no matter what. i never lie to her. there isn't any job opportunities and i desperately need one. in all this it makes college seem like a waste of time, and it also makes me feel trying to live is a waste of time.
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im struggling with suicidal thoughts
- Thread starter JoshuaM
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Moriah_Conquering_Wind
Well-Known Member
just on a practical note, as trite and stupid as it might sound, this website has actually saved my life twice:
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide
if you are really close to doing something drastic, please take a moment to go there and read it. and read it again.
my mother used to say: suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. meaning, of course, all troubles in life WILL have an end. some linger a bit, others are short and fleeting, but if you end your life you CANNOT "take it back" and you will have thrown away all opportunity to enjoy all the GOOD things that are waiting for you around the next bend.
it ALWAYS looks like it's never going to end. you know what? trouble and suffering in many ways are like a bad acid trip: the worst part about it is forgetting the simple fact that you took a drug and you WILL come down in approximately twelve hours and YES this WILL END. just not this moment. i used to be a drug user and i had a few bad experiences with LSD. just focusing on breathing in and out and telling myself, "you have taken a drug. in 12 hours you WILL come down and all this WILL end" got me through it. (Although the very FIRST time I had a bad trip, and went catatonic and could not speak, it was GOD who brought me through THAT!! but that's another story for another time....) my POINT is, of course, that it may be helpful to you if you remind yourself that "this too shall pass." the pains you feel now and the situations causing them WILL subside eventually.
and no, there is no magick bullet to ensure it will never happen again, either. i don't know about you but i got stuck at one point in my life obsessed with the idea of holding on for dear life to every pain I suffered (not in an unforgiving sense but in the EXPERIENTIAL sense, keeping it "fresh") because i was sure if i did i would FIGURE OUT "something" (some vague nameless thing) that kept causing it and be able to shut that off at the source. i did not want to let go of pains because i was convinced that letting go of them got me hypnotized on happy juice or something (so to speak) to where i would FORGET i was "working on this problem" and FORGET "where i was" on it. i was nowhere; i was believing a load of nonsense! there is no way to game the system; rain will come as sure as sunshine, day gives way to night gives way to day again which in turn gives way to night. clinging to the sorrows won't enable you to figure them out and thereafter avoid them. it is safe to let it GO!
Try to remember that existence is JOY, and the sorrows are but shadows. They pass and are done -- but there is That Which Remains. LIVE FOR that which remains. BUILD your sense of continuity -- of the flow of your life from one point to the next -- upon the joys and delights of existence, not upon its sorrows and shadows. If the internal narrative of your life is one of a stream of pain awareness punctuated by a few bright spots, that's a signal letting you know that you're building your continuity of consciousness incorrectly. Do you get what I'm saying here?
this is part of why i absolutely cannot believe in an eternal-torment afterlife, either -- but that's another topic for another time as well ...
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide
if you are really close to doing something drastic, please take a moment to go there and read it. and read it again.
my mother used to say: suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. meaning, of course, all troubles in life WILL have an end. some linger a bit, others are short and fleeting, but if you end your life you CANNOT "take it back" and you will have thrown away all opportunity to enjoy all the GOOD things that are waiting for you around the next bend.
it ALWAYS looks like it's never going to end. you know what? trouble and suffering in many ways are like a bad acid trip: the worst part about it is forgetting the simple fact that you took a drug and you WILL come down in approximately twelve hours and YES this WILL END. just not this moment. i used to be a drug user and i had a few bad experiences with LSD. just focusing on breathing in and out and telling myself, "you have taken a drug. in 12 hours you WILL come down and all this WILL end" got me through it. (Although the very FIRST time I had a bad trip, and went catatonic and could not speak, it was GOD who brought me through THAT!! but that's another story for another time....) my POINT is, of course, that it may be helpful to you if you remind yourself that "this too shall pass." the pains you feel now and the situations causing them WILL subside eventually.
and no, there is no magick bullet to ensure it will never happen again, either. i don't know about you but i got stuck at one point in my life obsessed with the idea of holding on for dear life to every pain I suffered (not in an unforgiving sense but in the EXPERIENTIAL sense, keeping it "fresh") because i was sure if i did i would FIGURE OUT "something" (some vague nameless thing) that kept causing it and be able to shut that off at the source. i did not want to let go of pains because i was convinced that letting go of them got me hypnotized on happy juice or something (so to speak) to where i would FORGET i was "working on this problem" and FORGET "where i was" on it. i was nowhere; i was believing a load of nonsense! there is no way to game the system; rain will come as sure as sunshine, day gives way to night gives way to day again which in turn gives way to night. clinging to the sorrows won't enable you to figure them out and thereafter avoid them. it is safe to let it GO!
Try to remember that existence is JOY, and the sorrows are but shadows. They pass and are done -- but there is That Which Remains. LIVE FOR that which remains. BUILD your sense of continuity -- of the flow of your life from one point to the next -- upon the joys and delights of existence, not upon its sorrows and shadows. If the internal narrative of your life is one of a stream of pain awareness punctuated by a few bright spots, that's a signal letting you know that you're building your continuity of consciousness incorrectly. Do you get what I'm saying here?
this is part of why i absolutely cannot believe in an eternal-torment afterlife, either -- but that's another topic for another time as well ...
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i am not calling those lines. i need a friend not some fake person trying to tell me how to do things like they really care about me. That is why i want to do it. there is no good thing coming for me so why let this continue? nobody loves me. if the Lord still loved me right now He will reach to my heart and help me when i am crying out to him.
P.S. the persons at psych central are mostly jerks.
P.S. the persons at psych central are mostly jerks.
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Moriah_Conquering_Wind
Well-Known Member
well, i never called anyone either. i just read the stuff on the website there and it helped.
God still loves you. I am here.
God still loves you. I am here.
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Moriah_Conquering_Wind
Well-Known Member
Things will get better Joshua. I promise.
And until they do, it's OK to be real about your feelings. I'm here if you want to talk.
And until they do, it's OK to be real about your feelings. I'm here if you want to talk.
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i feel nothing but depression and pain. no matter how hard i try to show i am honest, nobody believes me though i have not been known to be a habitual liar. no matter how hard i try to get a job, i cannot get one, no matter how hard i try to retain most fellowship, the people go away. no matter how much i am crying to God right now, it is hard to tell if he is there. makes me just want to die
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The thing is, Joshua, you are not alone in this.
Many people have felt the same. I had abusive parents who wouldn't let me go out of the house at age 20. I left them a note saying I was going to die. They said not to, they couldn't afford a funeral, and only crazy people say these things.
Things change. I never ever thought I would have the life I do.
Right now, I live with my father, am unemployed, and his house is being foreclosed.
I don't know what will happen, but God is in control.
You are not a nameless face on here, I met Moriah and she was (and still is) a blessing and inspiration.
You can be too. God has a purpose for you. Twice, when I was little I almost died in accidents but God arranged things so I didn't.
He has a will for you, even online!
You can pm me also.
Many people have felt the same. I had abusive parents who wouldn't let me go out of the house at age 20. I left them a note saying I was going to die. They said not to, they couldn't afford a funeral, and only crazy people say these things.
Things change. I never ever thought I would have the life I do.
Right now, I live with my father, am unemployed, and his house is being foreclosed.
I don't know what will happen, but God is in control.
You are not a nameless face on here, I met Moriah and she was (and still is) a blessing and inspiration.
You can be too. God has a purpose for you. Twice, when I was little I almost died in accidents but God arranged things so I didn't.
He has a will for you, even online!
You can pm me also.
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i think maybe he used to want me to live that is why he saved my life a few times, but now i feel he will let me die soon, so i feel i just waste my time trying to live.
and im sick of people saying that if i am very depressed myself and trying to encourage others it means i am a false teacher, i serve satan and am just being a hypocrite. then i get mocked. once i was suicidal a person told me i should do suicide then and told me the only reason he offered to talk to me was for a favor for a girl, and he didn't really care if i died. sometimes i believe God will help others but turns his back on me. that is how i feel now.
and im sick of people saying that if i am very depressed myself and trying to encourage others it means i am a false teacher, i serve satan and am just being a hypocrite. then i get mocked. once i was suicidal a person told me i should do suicide then and told me the only reason he offered to talk to me was for a favor for a girl, and he didn't really care if i died. sometimes i believe God will help others but turns his back on me. that is how i feel now.
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Our feelings are not always accurate. Many times I've said he doesn't care, and then boom, He comes through.
Sometimes it took Him a long time.
Sometimes it took Him a long time.
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Moriah_Conquering_Wind
Well-Known Member
Josh I sense there's something deeper than what you're saying here ... can you bring it out into the light ?
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it is all in repetition. these things, being told i can't be a christian if i am depressed. being told if i choose to help another by forcing myself to switch the one i pursue (because the one i was pursuing was feeling trapped and sick and i was feeling bad too) and pretending somebody else can accept me even if they show no proof, that it means i am a liar. and the Lord who a voice keeps saying he cares seems to just sit and watch. now i feel he is saying im not listening to him, but i can't hear him so how can i listen? im confused what voices are coming from God right now.
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Moriah_Conquering_Wind
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i think i can relate to most if not all of these. i know i can definitely relate to the people thing. being abandoned and betrayed by others seems to be what i do best in life.
and i'm not even the one doing it.i really needed to hear God tonight, to feel Him near, and i did not. when i went outside to talk to God i got overtaken by the Abyss again. i did some things that were evil and I think blasphemous too. But also necessary. I thought I asked God to stop Them -- but He didn't. Still, i don't bear Him ill will. I trust in His mercy. I HAVE to, I don't have much choice. Depression and pain are awful, I know, but do they leave you feeling dirty inside? Like you've violated your own soul as well as offended God? No? Well, if not, then there's a start! Because they shouldn't -- you can't do anything about them. Joshua, hon, depression is NOT a character flaw!! you did nothing wrong to incur this upon yourself.
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Moriah_Conquering_Wind
Well-Known Member
i missed this part before, sorry.
i know exactly what you mean about the first statement. i get that all the time, that because I am daimonizomai I am a false teacher when I try to open the Scriptures to others, I'm a dangerous satanic 'infiltrator', whatever. But it is NOT TRUE Joshua. Your experience with something IS what qualifies you to help others struggling with it. God uses that experience to enable you to reach out to others and really be of use to them in their struggles.
And that was just plain NASTY what that guy said to you. Even if it were true he should NEVER have SAID SO. Good GRIEF.
People can be so thoughtless and MEAN spirited. {{{{{{{{{{{{{Joshua }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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but it does not make me feel any better. i feel there is nothing good will come in my life anymore.
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Moriah_Conquering_Wind
Well-Known Member
Depression is NOT a character flaw.
Depression is NOT a moral failing on your part.
Depression IS a very real condition which can occur on its own from biochemical issues or be triggered by unhappy events and brother you have been through some crap the past few weeks.
Depression is NOT forever, and it DOES have a solution that is better than suiciding.
You are NOT a liar. You have your perceptions and your experience, same as the rest of us, and you share yours in the hopes of helping others or gaining insight into yourself to benefit your own struggles. Same as the rest of us. The only LIAR is that waggy naggy finger pointing anywhere but at itself and thus attempting to call YOU a liar. I don't know you well, but in the few posts I've read of yours you seem honest, sincere, and real enough for me.
i can totally relate to the notion of "God just sitting back & watching" as well as the cacophany of voices and trying to find His in all that mess. i have been there in some of the worst ways imaginable. and it's not just God's voice versus my head but there are Other voices in there too.
Hon I am fading fast, I need sleep. Will you promise me you will talk with me later this morning on here?
I care about you Joshua, and I WANT YOU TO LIVE. No one is putting me up to this -- I followed your link here because I wanted to.I will talk to you more in about 6 hours or so if you wish.
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Joshua, brother, I wish I lived nearby so I could try to cheer you up in person, but since I don't, words will have to do. I seriously don't understand what's up with the people around you. If we on this forum, who have never met you, can be supportive and believe you, why can't they? While I don't understand them, I do know that there must be people where you live who aren't like them. Have you tried another church? Or maybe a support group for people suffering from depression?
Regarding the hotlines. I do think the people who work there do it because they care. They might not know you, but I seriously believe they want to help. I do understand you don't want to call, but there are genuine people out there who are interested in helping you!
I know what it's like to not be believed. Suicide might seem tempting, but the only thing it will do is make the lies win.
Regarding the hotlines. I do think the people who work there do it because they care. They might not know you, but I seriously believe they want to help. I do understand you don't want to call, but there are genuine people out there who are interested in helping you!
I know what it's like to not be believed. Suicide might seem tempting, but the only thing it will do is make the lies win.
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thanks for your help. this helped some. i will get some sleep now. if i am thinking these thoughts again i will come vent here. i will try and come back in 6 hours but not sure i can that soon
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M
mildwind
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Hi Joshua,
I wanted to commit suicide too one time. When I'm going to do so, I heard God told me that His love will never forsake me nor leave me. So I decide to give God and myself one more chance. To believe in Him once again. Now I live happyly with a great job, family and friends around. Don't give up brother. God can turn the impossible to possible. Jesus love you. There's a miracle when you believe. Suicide is only for those who are timid and useless people, who just think they can escape from problem. Who know, actually after death, there're much more problems awaiting. You deserve the Heaven not Hell, Joshua. Keep you in prayer.
I wanted to commit suicide too one time. When I'm going to do so, I heard God told me that His love will never forsake me nor leave me. So I decide to give God and myself one more chance. To believe in Him once again. Now I live happyly with a great job, family and friends around. Don't give up brother. God can turn the impossible to possible. Jesus love you. There's a miracle when you believe. Suicide is only for those who are timid and useless people, who just think they can escape from problem. Who know, actually after death, there're much more problems awaiting. You deserve the Heaven not Hell, Joshua. Keep you in prayer.
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N
Nobility
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Hi there Josh... I know you and I haven't always been the best of friends - but I just want you to know I am thinking of you and praying for you.
Jesus has a plan for you -you know that! Just because you can't see it right now doesn't mean it's not real and true... I guess I sort of understand where you are coming from since I've been suicidal myself in the past (and not so past - not now though)
Please do something for me though? If you are ready to commit suicide, either go see any pastor (or similar person who can help) or go to your Emergency Room
Jesus has a plan for you -you know that! Just because you can't see it right now doesn't mean it's not real and true... I guess I sort of understand where you are coming from since I've been suicidal myself in the past (and not so past - not now though)
If I was to tell you that I was suicidal right now, what would you try do mate? Help me, talk with me, and try to do everything you could? That's what these people are trying to do too... It's not because they are jerks...
Please do something for me though? If you are ready to commit suicide, either go see any pastor (or similar person who can help) or go to your Emergency Room
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