It feels like forever since i've last visited this site...
Life got to the point not understanding anything anymore... Saturday was the first time that i truly laughed in months! How did life get reduced to hollow complaints, continual chasing after wind, ducking from people knifing you in the back, trying to help others with such a crippled spirit!
I have searched and for a second i'm feeling like Solomon (without the wisdom) who searched high and low, experienced all and realised it shall come to pass, that nothing BUT GOD really matters... And i'm only... is it 28 already?!
What does one do to actually untie all strings attached to the world and at the same time keep loving the world with the same unfailing love that God have for me? I wish i could just get a formula and follow it...
The long-awaited (well, waiting on God for a day, can sometimes feel like forever, therefore legitimising my 3 excruciating weeks) breakthrough was amazing, and i would like to post it here, so that when i am in search of answers, i might just stumble across my own blog:
I got to the point of wondering how God can expect us to love the unloveable people who hurt us... and this does not even refer to a particular friend, or group... hurt came from family members, best friends, boyfriends, church friends... At some point, i just decided ENOUGH! I'm going to stand still and wait for people to approach me, give me some love, show some care, reach out... I was tired and felt that everybody rejected me with nobody nurturing my needs or even just care.
On Saturday, i was sitting with my ex, listing to Hillsong United. Suddenly, it felt like i was holding my breath since i've broken up with him on the 10th of October. I was holding my breath, because i was feeling guilty about it. (I wanted to stay with him and i wanted to leave him for so many reasons, but i never really wanted to face it, because he was on his way... to be gone for 6 months, with an ex breathing down my neck at work...) I mistreated him, and just facing the fact that i felt guilty about it, was a breakthrough of some sort. And he was so sweet... still...
But the breakthrough came when it was said that we are made to have a yearning to be love and to love. That is part of being human. (Technically it made me feel better, because i started resenting myself for having feelings at all and to miss a human being more than God, but now i figure, it's because God is always with me, but he is not...)
Then, came the great moment... GOD CAME AND MET ME!!!! Life is to love, and to reflect the love that is given to us by God. We can not keep our hearts bound and closed to protect it from getting hurt, it will, but at least God will be there to dry your tears and to restore a broken heart.
I thought that i'm loving, but just not showing it... But they showed a glass-ball all closed-up with a dark cloth... No light shining from it. Now, if there's no light shining from it, is there really light inside? (Hmm, so much for me thinking that at least i still love, even though i don't show it!?) Light needs to come in in order to go out...
"Guard your heart with all diligence..." didn't mean that you should stop it from caring more than you can handle... (i thought it did!!!) It means that you should actually take care of it, and be cautious to not let it become hardened and darkened... (In my misunderstanding, i was actually hardening my heart.)
Today is a different story, i've come to this new knowledge and it is awesome, but i find it hard... It takes a while to soften a heart, it takes effort to keep the joy...
It's hard to keep having joy when you get hurt, because you love... But i'm learning...
And, the most important thing:
KEEP A THANKFUL HEART, AND PRAISE GOD FOR HIS UNFAILING LOVE AND GOODNESS...
Life got to the point not understanding anything anymore... Saturday was the first time that i truly laughed in months! How did life get reduced to hollow complaints, continual chasing after wind, ducking from people knifing you in the back, trying to help others with such a crippled spirit!
I have searched and for a second i'm feeling like Solomon (without the wisdom) who searched high and low, experienced all and realised it shall come to pass, that nothing BUT GOD really matters... And i'm only... is it 28 already?!
What does one do to actually untie all strings attached to the world and at the same time keep loving the world with the same unfailing love that God have for me? I wish i could just get a formula and follow it...
The long-awaited (well, waiting on God for a day, can sometimes feel like forever, therefore legitimising my 3 excruciating weeks) breakthrough was amazing, and i would like to post it here, so that when i am in search of answers, i might just stumble across my own blog:
I got to the point of wondering how God can expect us to love the unloveable people who hurt us... and this does not even refer to a particular friend, or group... hurt came from family members, best friends, boyfriends, church friends... At some point, i just decided ENOUGH! I'm going to stand still and wait for people to approach me, give me some love, show some care, reach out... I was tired and felt that everybody rejected me with nobody nurturing my needs or even just care.
On Saturday, i was sitting with my ex, listing to Hillsong United. Suddenly, it felt like i was holding my breath since i've broken up with him on the 10th of October. I was holding my breath, because i was feeling guilty about it. (I wanted to stay with him and i wanted to leave him for so many reasons, but i never really wanted to face it, because he was on his way... to be gone for 6 months, with an ex breathing down my neck at work...) I mistreated him, and just facing the fact that i felt guilty about it, was a breakthrough of some sort. And he was so sweet... still...
But the breakthrough came when it was said that we are made to have a yearning to be love and to love. That is part of being human. (Technically it made me feel better, because i started resenting myself for having feelings at all and to miss a human being more than God, but now i figure, it's because God is always with me, but he is not...)
Then, came the great moment... GOD CAME AND MET ME!!!! Life is to love, and to reflect the love that is given to us by God. We can not keep our hearts bound and closed to protect it from getting hurt, it will, but at least God will be there to dry your tears and to restore a broken heart.
I thought that i'm loving, but just not showing it... But they showed a glass-ball all closed-up with a dark cloth... No light shining from it. Now, if there's no light shining from it, is there really light inside? (Hmm, so much for me thinking that at least i still love, even though i don't show it!?) Light needs to come in in order to go out...
"Guard your heart with all diligence..." didn't mean that you should stop it from caring more than you can handle... (i thought it did!!!) It means that you should actually take care of it, and be cautious to not let it become hardened and darkened... (In my misunderstanding, i was actually hardening my heart.)
Today is a different story, i've come to this new knowledge and it is awesome, but i find it hard... It takes a while to soften a heart, it takes effort to keep the joy...
It's hard to keep having joy when you get hurt, because you love... But i'm learning...
And, the most important thing:
KEEP A THANKFUL HEART, AND PRAISE GOD FOR HIS UNFAILING LOVE AND GOODNESS...
