There's only one more day to go before our "date"... In a matter of one telephone conversation, my inner-world started changing...
About 2 months ago i dated PJ for two months... Then i left him. He would have gone away for 6 months and i had a nagging ex that kept on telling me how much he still loves me and how much he still cares. I broke-up with PJ thinking that it's one way to test whether the ex was telling the truth or was just saying it so that i would actually leave PJ... and then of course, i couldn't really deal with the fact of him going away for 6 months. (I actually thought he was selfish to start a new relationship, if he was going away for work which was already in the pipeline... and my prayers of him not going, didn't come to fruition in those 2 months in anyway..)
Then it happened that PJ ended being able to go to the Hillsong concert on very short notice. We ended up hanging out there together...
I laughed at something he said... and suddenly realised that i stopped laughing literally at the same time i broke up with him. I pushed it aside, thinking that he'll still be going away for 6 months, and that i shouldn't even think in any direction of any significance... But i enjoyed his company soooooo much! I realised that i missed him soooooo much! I also realised that i never bothered to think about how i felt about the breakup, probably due to the fact that i figured it's pointless to deal with it, or investigate anything around it... Saying goodbye was awkwardly hard and i didn't want to... I wanted to be sure that i'll never stop seeing him, but i knew goodbye was what i had to say, instead of uhming-and-ahming the whole time...
The following day, i entertained myself thinking about him and all the things i supressed... Realising that he means so much more to me than just someone else and that he's actually a person that i would want to keep in my life...it's dull without him... (I figured it's safe to face what i'm feeling inside, since he'll be going away in anyway!) I started wondering why i missed the fact that he meant more to me... I remembered my best friend's phone call, where she just wanted to inform me that of all the guys i've dated, we seem like the best match she's ever seen (she's been my best friend for the last 20 years and have never said anything like that before)... obviously i ignored it, and still broke it off with him...
Anyways, so while daydreaming about him... he phoned me... and after chatting for a while, he informed me that they are not going away anymore. And in seconds, my whole inner-world just turned around...
He arranged for us to go out tomorrow............ I don't know what to expect! I am so nervous and so excited... It feels like i'm holding my breath, and that i'll exhale when tomorrow comes...
And then i ask myself: How could i have missed knowing this? It makes me sad, thinking that i did have the opportunity to have a relationship with him, and i kicked against it, dreading the fact that he would leave for 6 months... And now... now i don't even know if there is another chance. I don't know if i should take that chance... (dating an ex... i've done that before and it's never worked out)
And God obviously knows about my inner turmoil... and gave me this verse:
Jam 1:5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
So i realised that God's with me... even though i haven't received a clear answer yet... (I'm just feeling greatly drawn to PJ) Then this morning, He gave me:
Deuteronomy 5:33
Stay on the path that the Lord your God has commanded you to follow, so that you may live and prosper and prolong your days.
Hmm, obviously i would have to wait on Him then...
About 2 months ago i dated PJ for two months... Then i left him. He would have gone away for 6 months and i had a nagging ex that kept on telling me how much he still loves me and how much he still cares. I broke-up with PJ thinking that it's one way to test whether the ex was telling the truth or was just saying it so that i would actually leave PJ... and then of course, i couldn't really deal with the fact of him going away for 6 months. (I actually thought he was selfish to start a new relationship, if he was going away for work which was already in the pipeline... and my prayers of him not going, didn't come to fruition in those 2 months in anyway..)
Then it happened that PJ ended being able to go to the Hillsong concert on very short notice. We ended up hanging out there together...
I laughed at something he said... and suddenly realised that i stopped laughing literally at the same time i broke up with him. I pushed it aside, thinking that he'll still be going away for 6 months, and that i shouldn't even think in any direction of any significance... But i enjoyed his company soooooo much! I realised that i missed him soooooo much! I also realised that i never bothered to think about how i felt about the breakup, probably due to the fact that i figured it's pointless to deal with it, or investigate anything around it... Saying goodbye was awkwardly hard and i didn't want to... I wanted to be sure that i'll never stop seeing him, but i knew goodbye was what i had to say, instead of uhming-and-ahming the whole time...
The following day, i entertained myself thinking about him and all the things i supressed... Realising that he means so much more to me than just someone else and that he's actually a person that i would want to keep in my life...it's dull without him... (I figured it's safe to face what i'm feeling inside, since he'll be going away in anyway!) I started wondering why i missed the fact that he meant more to me... I remembered my best friend's phone call, where she just wanted to inform me that of all the guys i've dated, we seem like the best match she's ever seen (she's been my best friend for the last 20 years and have never said anything like that before)... obviously i ignored it, and still broke it off with him...
Anyways, so while daydreaming about him... he phoned me... and after chatting for a while, he informed me that they are not going away anymore. And in seconds, my whole inner-world just turned around...
He arranged for us to go out tomorrow............ I don't know what to expect! I am so nervous and so excited... It feels like i'm holding my breath, and that i'll exhale when tomorrow comes...
And then i ask myself: How could i have missed knowing this? It makes me sad, thinking that i did have the opportunity to have a relationship with him, and i kicked against it, dreading the fact that he would leave for 6 months... And now... now i don't even know if there is another chance. I don't know if i should take that chance... (dating an ex... i've done that before and it's never worked out)
And God obviously knows about my inner turmoil... and gave me this verse:
Jam 1:5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
So i realised that God's with me... even though i haven't received a clear answer yet... (I'm just feeling greatly drawn to PJ) Then this morning, He gave me:
Deuteronomy 5:33
Stay on the path that the Lord your God has commanded you to follow, so that you may live and prosper and prolong your days.
Hmm, obviously i would have to wait on Him then...
