Hello, my name is Christina. I am going to share with you my story of coming to know God and His purpose for my life. My testimony.
Lets start with that I was raised in a Catholic family. It was just me and my mother and brother. We went to church when my brother and I were little. That's it. Aside from that we never learned the bible and in fact, "God" was a swear in our house.
There was also very little love. Ok, like none. I was never hugged, kisses, told I love you. No affection. My brother was aloud to act like my father. Which meant he could smack me, throw things at me, and be emotionally abusive.
Ok so... basically, I was very depressed, poor upbringing...yada yada. I think that is enough to paint the picture.
I grow up, have my first relationship and it ends very baddly, three years later. My one friendship at the time was barely existent and my mother and I hated each other. I felt like I had no one.
Along came James. He wanted to know me. All of me, as he said. Hook, line and sinker.
It only took a month ,before he wa living with me. It was ok at first. Then the lies started. His manner of speech changed. I found evidence of him cheating.
I should have left around a month in. But I didn't. I thought, "Who else is
Going to love me?"
Time went on and James got heavily into drugs. Eventually he got tired of waiting for me to be ready to be physical and essentiay took that away. I became pregnant with our son during which time one of James' friends sexually assaulted me. During a fight I remember I told James that i could have been killed that night(he had a knife, so yeah, that's why I don't like them), he said "I wish you had been."
Years went by. I was lied to. Stolen from. Cheated on. Threatened. And raped countless times. (If you're wondering how you get raped by your boyfriend, its simple. You tell him no and he takes it anyway. Even when youre asleep)
So after five years of every kind of abuse, (physical was only once, choked me), I was more depresses than ever in my life. I felt worthless. I resigned myself to that life. I would never be happy. My son would grow up being abused and learn to treat women the way his father treated me. I didn't think I deserved better. I resented myself so much for staying because my son was suffering too.
The abuse was so bad that I started to wish terrible things would happen to James. I was in such despair that I felt like I was on auto pilot. And I had no one to turn to.
Then one day James brought home some books.
He tossed one at me saying I needed to read it because it would help me " build a healthy self image" as one of the bullet points on the back cover read. It was a book by a Christian pastor titled, "Your best life now."
After all the times James had cursed God and told me that He could not help me, not only was God helping me, He was using James to do it!
I read that book everyday. Reading about God's love for me made me want to cry, but I had to hide my emotions from James or he would have asked what was going on.
I learned that God did not want me to suffer. I was made for more.
When James was not home I started talking to domestic violence hotline. I worked on getting things ready to leave. All the while reading.
Ill be honest, I started to chicken out. I argued, one more week.But then James found ought I wanted to leave so I left the next morning while he was working.
One week later, living in a shelter for abused women and children, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter.
If I had stayed that extra week like I wanted to out of fear I want to have still been with him when I found out I was pregnant. I would have felt too guilty to leave him knowing I was carrying his child. It was no accident that I had not cleared the text message to a friend talking about leaving him. He of course look through my messages. I found out he knew by seeing that he had responded back to my friend asking her why I wanted to leave.
One small detail. Saved my life and the lives of my children.
I ended up moving the shelter to my mother's house. We did not get along well so then we moved in with a friend of mine. The same friend with whom I had drifted apart from years ago when I had met James.
The first day that we stayed with her we all went to a barbecue. Somehow we got into a discussion about faith. I told her vaguely about the whole thing with the book.
After about a month of my son and I living there with her and we were ready to move into our own place, my friend asked me if sometime I would want to go to church with her. She had not been in a long time due to some painful things in her own life. She told me how the things I had sent to her that day I moved in with my son, made her decide to go back to church. I did not think I would want to attend all the time.
Two years later I go to that same church every Sunday. I with saved in that church December 6th 2015, five days after my birthday. I had left James on July 16, 2015.
Since then I have prayed about my purpose. And I believe it is to tell my story, to minister, to preach. ( there's more about that in my blogs yes a shameless plug).
I have something now that I never knew existed until that book was handed to me. I have the unfailing, unconditional love of God. He picked me up and dusted me off. He raised me up out of my despair. Even before I knew Him, He knew me. I was not worthless for lost or forgotten. I was going through when I need to go through in order to be here to tell you about it today.
If I had not suffered if I had not lived through that despair, I would not have needed that book. I would not know God.
If you are there right now where I was back then, I am telling you all the certainty of my heart that you are loved. You are worthy you are priceless. You deserve better you deserve happiness. You have value with a depth beyond measure. Live in darkness no more. Rise For your light has come.
All my heart and soul,
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