Oh lots to process. Lots of questions.
Im debating whether or not to discuss anything that's going on with me in group today. I attend a "life balance workshop" on Thursdays at the community college. It's basically a two-hour-long group therapy session. But we get a $25 gift card for attending as well as a $25 gas card. So for two hours once a week I go sit in a circle and listen to other women talk. Occasionally I interject, but there's not much room for it.
The things I would really want to talk about...all have to do with faith, or God and what not. And what really bugs me is that talking about God is kind of frowned upon in schools or in public places. Apparently I'm not even supposed to wear a cross at work! This irritates me. unfortunately my rather large turquoise cross broke the other day when I was taking it off. Boo. But I have another one on hold at work that is much smaller and more subtle. And I intend to wear it regardless of permission. My career coach at school told me not to ask my boss if I could wear a cross. She said to wait and see if I see anyone else wearing one. If I do especially if it's a manager I can assume it's safe to wear one. So... we have to walk on eggshells now when it comes to religion? Really? He is the center of it All! Life would be so meaningless without Him. So in other words when I pay for my cross ( 20% off this weekend) I am
GOING TO WEAR IT.
---AT WORK. EVERYWHERE---
And I'm going to keep singing my Christian music even at the gas station where they look at me like I have two heads. Im going to keep blogging on here even if I don't get many views or comments. ( because that's not what it's about).
" even if it gets me convicted I'll be on my knees with my hands lifted. If serving You's against the law of man, if living out my faith in you is banned then I'll stand right before the jury. If saying I believe is out of line if I'm judged cuz I'm going to give my life to show the world the love that fills me then I want to be guilty"
Even when I have doubts and questions and insecurities, this is what lifts me up. Lifting Him up.
Maybe Im not "supposed to" be a teacher of His word, being a woman. It is this precise idea that had me so downtrodden yesterday. Why would He put a desire in my heart that His word suggests I cannot fulfill? ( I am referring to when Paul states in 1st Timothy 2:12 that a woman must not teach). I have yet to actually pull my Bible out and read that whole chapter for myself and see it in its full context. ( well what are you waiting for christina? Get to it). I mean no disrespect but I have been going off of the opinions of others which can be dangerous. As I have heard Joyce say, " it's not enough just to get spoon-fed the word by someone who has already studied it. You need to read it for yourself and study it for yourself". That's not an exact quote but pretty...you know, close. And to add to that, God ought to be our ultimate source of Truth. Yes it's okay to seek guidance from others, there wouldn't be so many of us on this planet if we weren't meant to help one another. But God needs to be first. We can make other people our Idol when we constantly turn to others and neglect to turn to God. I know, we don't exactly hear God speak back to us the same way we hear another human being speak back to us. It takes a lot of time with Him and time in His word, developing that close personal relationship. And patience. Oh my goodness patience. I need patience now! Lol.
My personal relationship with Him, I'm sad to say, is underdeveloped. I still struggle with the intimacy. Its so powerful... I just don't know how to handle it.
But you know what? He is still right there in my heart where I askid Him to be. Even though everything I thought I knew has been tested. Even though I am doubtful. I wonder if maybe it was all in my head and I never heard from Him. Maybe it was all wishful thinking. He is still with me. He is still for me. He still loves me.
Maybe Im not supposed to preach. I don't know. Maybe Im supposed to be the supporter. The one who lifts her partner up. The " woman behind the man" so to speak. And I would be honored to have that position. But I don't just want to be behind the scenes I want to be getting my hands dirty too. I desire to be out there making a difference. I want to be God's tool to bring hope to the Hopeless. I want to help feed those in need, help the suffering, be a light in this darkness. Maybe I have made myself too big. ( metaphorically I mean although I'm not a small girl) If that is the case Lord I pray that you cut me down the size. For apart from You I can do nothing. And let everything I say and do point to You. Cut me down. May I decrease as You increase. For it is for the good of Your glory that I should fulfill these desires of my heart, and not my own. Even with these blogs. Cut me down. It's not about the likes it the comments. Its about You. Lifting You up.
Oh sorry, got into prayer a bit there.
Aaaaaamen.
Someone reading might be saying, " go ahead keep praying!" lol. Amen random reader. And I will later in private. That's where the more intimate prayer comes into play. What type of prayer that builds a relationship with Him. The type that I need more of. If I could just get over the Blasted fear of intimacy! ( yes I realize that fearing intimacy with God just sound utterly ridiculous)
Ah... I know such precious little.
I do know the desires of my heart. And though I am somewhat confused on some things right now... I feel that God has placed those desires Within Me. I mean when I was a little girl I would daydream about how to end world hunger. How many children do that? How many children sit on the school bus like I did looking out the window seeing the trees and thinking " if we could just eat trees as though they were giant broccoli... people wouldn't have to starve!" I seriously had these thoughts when I was an itty bitty little girl. And not just once. This is something I daydreamed about several times. I mean I still remember it vividly and I'm 28. And no one was talking to me about these kind of things as a child. Unless you count that growing up my mom would tell my brother and I if we didn't eat our food she would send it to a starving Child In China. We would get smart and say well if a child in China is starving then go ahead and send our food because we're not eating it! Sometimes we would even argue with it if we did eat our food that poor kid in China wouldn't get it! Ha.
I paused for a while here upon the realization that my mother has no idea I ever had those kinds of thoughts. I don't think I ever told anyone. She knows I'm a Christian which she doesn't like, she is a non-practicing Catholic. She knows that I attend church and bible study, which she believes I am choosing over my children. She will want to do things on a Sunday and I will tell her I have to go to church. Or I have to go to Bible study. And she said to me, " you have to decide which is more important your children or some boring Bible study." ouch mom. My children are very important to me which is why I need to keep myself in God. So I can pass the love of Him on to them.
But... I realize my mom does not know me very well. She doesn't know about my blogs on here. She does not know... the depth of my faith. I don't talk about it with her. I would not feel comfortable. She asks me to turn off my Christian music. She tells me that going to church twice a week is wat too much. Its boring she says. Too many rules in the Bible she says.
Sigh. Im off topic. Unless I decide to call this a rant. In which case I can ramble away LOL. And I do this so well don't I? Ramble. " you tolerate me you really really tolerate me!"
Anyway, I have a lot to sort out. I don't want to go back to the emptiness of not knowing what I'm here for. Maybe it's not to preach in a church...I don't know. I do know the desires of my heart. I desire to be out there making a difference. I desire to be God's tool. An extension of Him. And I know that I get joy from lifting Him up and I get joy from study verses, breaking them down, dissecting them and finding cross references. Maybe I'm not especially good at it yet, I still have a lot to learn. And maybe, even though I enjoy that, it's not necessarily part of my purpose. Though I got to admit in typing that last sentence... something down deep inside me says it is a part of it. Whatever He has in store I know it will be beautiful beyond my imagination. His word promises me beauty instead of ashes (or "for" depending on the translation) and this gives me hope for a future full of love and meaning and purpose. Hope for light instead of darkness. And that light will be every bit as warm and beautiful as the darkness was cruel and cold.
Im debating whether or not to discuss anything that's going on with me in group today. I attend a "life balance workshop" on Thursdays at the community college. It's basically a two-hour-long group therapy session. But we get a $25 gift card for attending as well as a $25 gas card. So for two hours once a week I go sit in a circle and listen to other women talk. Occasionally I interject, but there's not much room for it.
The things I would really want to talk about...all have to do with faith, or God and what not. And what really bugs me is that talking about God is kind of frowned upon in schools or in public places. Apparently I'm not even supposed to wear a cross at work! This irritates me. unfortunately my rather large turquoise cross broke the other day when I was taking it off. Boo. But I have another one on hold at work that is much smaller and more subtle. And I intend to wear it regardless of permission. My career coach at school told me not to ask my boss if I could wear a cross. She said to wait and see if I see anyone else wearing one. If I do especially if it's a manager I can assume it's safe to wear one. So... we have to walk on eggshells now when it comes to religion? Really? He is the center of it All! Life would be so meaningless without Him. So in other words when I pay for my cross ( 20% off this weekend) I am
GOING TO WEAR IT.
---AT WORK. EVERYWHERE---
And I'm going to keep singing my Christian music even at the gas station where they look at me like I have two heads. Im going to keep blogging on here even if I don't get many views or comments. ( because that's not what it's about).
" even if it gets me convicted I'll be on my knees with my hands lifted. If serving You's against the law of man, if living out my faith in you is banned then I'll stand right before the jury. If saying I believe is out of line if I'm judged cuz I'm going to give my life to show the world the love that fills me then I want to be guilty"
Even when I have doubts and questions and insecurities, this is what lifts me up. Lifting Him up.
Maybe Im not "supposed to" be a teacher of His word, being a woman. It is this precise idea that had me so downtrodden yesterday. Why would He put a desire in my heart that His word suggests I cannot fulfill? ( I am referring to when Paul states in 1st Timothy 2:12 that a woman must not teach). I have yet to actually pull my Bible out and read that whole chapter for myself and see it in its full context. ( well what are you waiting for christina? Get to it). I mean no disrespect but I have been going off of the opinions of others which can be dangerous. As I have heard Joyce say, " it's not enough just to get spoon-fed the word by someone who has already studied it. You need to read it for yourself and study it for yourself". That's not an exact quote but pretty...you know, close. And to add to that, God ought to be our ultimate source of Truth. Yes it's okay to seek guidance from others, there wouldn't be so many of us on this planet if we weren't meant to help one another. But God needs to be first. We can make other people our Idol when we constantly turn to others and neglect to turn to God. I know, we don't exactly hear God speak back to us the same way we hear another human being speak back to us. It takes a lot of time with Him and time in His word, developing that close personal relationship. And patience. Oh my goodness patience. I need patience now! Lol.
My personal relationship with Him, I'm sad to say, is underdeveloped. I still struggle with the intimacy. Its so powerful... I just don't know how to handle it.
But you know what? He is still right there in my heart where I askid Him to be. Even though everything I thought I knew has been tested. Even though I am doubtful. I wonder if maybe it was all in my head and I never heard from Him. Maybe it was all wishful thinking. He is still with me. He is still for me. He still loves me.
Maybe Im not supposed to preach. I don't know. Maybe Im supposed to be the supporter. The one who lifts her partner up. The " woman behind the man" so to speak. And I would be honored to have that position. But I don't just want to be behind the scenes I want to be getting my hands dirty too. I desire to be out there making a difference. I want to be God's tool to bring hope to the Hopeless. I want to help feed those in need, help the suffering, be a light in this darkness. Maybe I have made myself too big. ( metaphorically I mean although I'm not a small girl) If that is the case Lord I pray that you cut me down the size. For apart from You I can do nothing. And let everything I say and do point to You. Cut me down. May I decrease as You increase. For it is for the good of Your glory that I should fulfill these desires of my heart, and not my own. Even with these blogs. Cut me down. It's not about the likes it the comments. Its about You. Lifting You up.
Oh sorry, got into prayer a bit there.
Aaaaaamen.
Someone reading might be saying, " go ahead keep praying!" lol. Amen random reader. And I will later in private. That's where the more intimate prayer comes into play. What type of prayer that builds a relationship with Him. The type that I need more of. If I could just get over the Blasted fear of intimacy! ( yes I realize that fearing intimacy with God just sound utterly ridiculous)
Ah... I know such precious little.
I do know the desires of my heart. And though I am somewhat confused on some things right now... I feel that God has placed those desires Within Me. I mean when I was a little girl I would daydream about how to end world hunger. How many children do that? How many children sit on the school bus like I did looking out the window seeing the trees and thinking " if we could just eat trees as though they were giant broccoli... people wouldn't have to starve!" I seriously had these thoughts when I was an itty bitty little girl. And not just once. This is something I daydreamed about several times. I mean I still remember it vividly and I'm 28. And no one was talking to me about these kind of things as a child. Unless you count that growing up my mom would tell my brother and I if we didn't eat our food she would send it to a starving Child In China. We would get smart and say well if a child in China is starving then go ahead and send our food because we're not eating it! Sometimes we would even argue with it if we did eat our food that poor kid in China wouldn't get it! Ha.
I paused for a while here upon the realization that my mother has no idea I ever had those kinds of thoughts. I don't think I ever told anyone. She knows I'm a Christian which she doesn't like, she is a non-practicing Catholic. She knows that I attend church and bible study, which she believes I am choosing over my children. She will want to do things on a Sunday and I will tell her I have to go to church. Or I have to go to Bible study. And she said to me, " you have to decide which is more important your children or some boring Bible study." ouch mom. My children are very important to me which is why I need to keep myself in God. So I can pass the love of Him on to them.
But... I realize my mom does not know me very well. She doesn't know about my blogs on here. She does not know... the depth of my faith. I don't talk about it with her. I would not feel comfortable. She asks me to turn off my Christian music. She tells me that going to church twice a week is wat too much. Its boring she says. Too many rules in the Bible she says.
Sigh. Im off topic. Unless I decide to call this a rant. In which case I can ramble away LOL. And I do this so well don't I? Ramble. " you tolerate me you really really tolerate me!"
Anyway, I have a lot to sort out. I don't want to go back to the emptiness of not knowing what I'm here for. Maybe it's not to preach in a church...I don't know. I do know the desires of my heart. I desire to be out there making a difference. I desire to be God's tool. An extension of Him. And I know that I get joy from lifting Him up and I get joy from study verses, breaking them down, dissecting them and finding cross references. Maybe I'm not especially good at it yet, I still have a lot to learn. And maybe, even though I enjoy that, it's not necessarily part of my purpose. Though I got to admit in typing that last sentence... something down deep inside me says it is a part of it. Whatever He has in store I know it will be beautiful beyond my imagination. His word promises me beauty instead of ashes (or "for" depending on the translation) and this gives me hope for a future full of love and meaning and purpose. Hope for light instead of darkness. And that light will be every bit as warm and beautiful as the darkness was cruel and cold.
