I am hurting. I am filled with so much pain and sadness. You know this and I know You can feel it too. I am sure You are there right beside me weeping Your own tears of sadness with me. I am sure You can feel my anguish as Your own.
I am too sad to be angry with You. I haven't got the right to even be angry with You when You love me so much. Sometimes even the people we love can't make anything better. I know that if You wanted you could snap Your fingers and take my burdens away. You could take away my hearing loss, my tinnitus, my visual snow, my bad posture, my poverty, my loneliness, my depression, my anxiety. However, You have chosen not to and I must continue on in this way until the end of my days.
You have heard my prayers for relief, for strength, for help. You have heard me in the loneliness of the night when I have even prayed for a quick death. There is still a part of me that dreads living the rest of my life and wishes that I could have an end to it all so that I can go home to You. It's terrible yet wondrous how when things are taken away from us we end up desperately yearning to be with You.
I am weary, God, of my struggles and burdens that You have placed me under. I am weary of the world and its lack of true happiness. I look around me and see so much pain and sorrow. There are so many people much better than I that are suffering so greatly with no relief or help in sight. It is hard for me to reconcile how precious our lives are to You when they are filled with so much sorrow. It is hard for me to accept that this is You will for our lives. I fail and fail to see how the good you bring about from such suffering is worth it all. We are made more compassionate, more righteous, more dependent on You. But in the end that avails us nothing in the face of our burdens. How can someone rejoice in these meager fruits when they do us very little good?
I pray to You and hear no answer. I look for Your presence and cannot feel it. I await Your help and deliverance and it does not come. But I know You are there because You promised to always be there. I have faith that You know my tears and You are there with me but I cannot rest in that faith. I am forever stuck in the Valley of the Shadow of Death awaiting the day when You send Your Son back to us to rescue us from everything.
Lord, all I have to go on is my faith in You alone. That's it. I have nothing else. Please, I beg of You, don't let me down. Don't abandon me in my time of need. Don't leave me with nothing to help me. Don't merely look upon my pain and feel it with me. I need You to be a God of action. I need You to point me in the direction I need to go and put Your hand in my life. Please allow me to feel happiness and laughter again. Be merciful to me. Don't let my faith in You be in vain.
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