Job 16:9-11 New Living Translation (NLT)
9 God hates me and angrily tears me apart.
He snaps his teeth at me
and pierces me with his eyes.
10 People jeer and laugh at me.
They slap my cheek in contempt.
A mob gathers against me.
11 God has handed me over to sinners.
He has tossed me into the hands of the wicked.
That's about how I feel right now. Despite all prayers from myself and other Christians who are more righteous than me my situation just gets worse and worse and more and more bad things happen to me. I've lost more hearing, I've been sexually assaulted. All in one weekend. And I'm surrounded on all sides it seems by people who want to blame me for my misfortunes. I'm told that what other people do to me is my own fault. I'm reminded once again that even amongst Christians there are men with thoughts that are unChristlike and disgusting towards women, who liken their behavior towards that of common animals and call it "good" or "natural" despite the fact that God calls us to be better than that.
I'm tired. I don't want to go on anymore. I wish God would heal me or kill me but He has repeatedly said no to either of those things. I've tried to be good. I've tried to love God more and follow His commands. I've apologized for sins and prayed for those who do evil against me and others. I have done my best as a flawed human being. And it's for nothing. God still doesn't outwardly love me like He does His other children. The cycle of terrible life stories in my family continues with me despite every effort to break the cycle.
I wish Jesus would come now but it's just not happening. I wish God would just do something. Anything at all. But He's turned His face against me and I can't seem to get His attention. I can't seem to get that loving care that He gives to most everyone else. I watch Him bless and heal and uplift others and I'm happy for them. But why not me? What is so wrong with me from the day I was conceived that the Lord has to crush me like this? Why break my heart and then break the hearts of those around me because of me?
God restored Job but I know that the same will not be done for me. God has killed me in every way that matters.
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